Date Written: February 18, 2008
Flo: It's been a while, hasn't it? My brain's overflowing with ideas and I'm having trouble getting to them all and finishing them. Hell, I even have another One Piece fic started. I plan on finishing at least one fic, though, before posting another. -nod nod-
WARNINGS! Um, maybe dirty jokes since that's what I'm feelin' right now and a few of my fics have them… okay, a large bit.
Hope you enjoy!
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"So the monkey says, 'I have no son!' to which his wife replied, 'Then have a daughter!' This instance of spousal disagreement with a child is precisely what we need in our next issue!"
"Yeah, but how are they going to have a kid who looks like they actually consumed? If there's a kid, then the people are going to demand it be like a mini-mixed Zoro-Sanji."
"I was thinking Sanji eats a devil fruit?"
"Oh, the Ma Ma Fruit! But wouldn't a pregnant Sanji look gross?"
"Hm, yeah. Even I, the greatest artist to sail the seas and walk on land, can't make a pregnant man have that motherly glow thing… and he'd have to produce milk or something."
"Ew! God, we might as well turn him into a girl if we gotta think this much! But that won't sell a single issue, it'd be like digging your own grave."
"Um, don't you mean 'our graves?' As in both of us?"
A horrified scream suddenly rang throughout the entire ship, quickly followed by incoherent shouts that belonged to Zoro and Sanji.
"So anyway, the idea for a domesticated ZoroSanji doujinshi would definitely sell and perhaps even branch us out to the could be consumers who aren't into hardcore, nasty, dirty, insanely hot and oh-so delicious to read ZoroSanji action." Nami had to pause to dab at a bit of drool making it's way down her chin. "How about we start a mini series where they actually get married and stuff? Ha, Sanji with a veil sounds priceless! Oh, we should put that on the cover, Usopp! Write that down."
"Sanji… veil… cover… But what about Zoro?"
"Hm, well his tux shouldn't be too put together or else we'd have an OOC Zoro and we can't afford such a careless mistake. I'd hate to have to deal with wankers. Are you taking notes?"
"Yeah, I got it, messed up groom on Zoro's part."
"Good, that's the simple part. Now for Sanji, we have to think of a dress that's not a school girl's uniform, maid, nurse, or waitress. You know, something not for sex."
"Wow, we're really going off from our normal course here."
"I couldn't help but over hear this little meeting between you two, so would you mind if I added something to it?"
"Oh, of course not, Robin! You read a lot, you should know what you're talking about. Plus, you're not a complete idiot like the rest of our crew."
Ignoring Usopp's indignant squawk, Robin continued, "Well, I think you should put Cook-san in a tuxedo like Bushido-san, only with a little more white in it and put together properly, of course. It gives a good contrast between the two," -slight giggle- "lovers and still keeps Cook-san in character."
"Ah, you're absolutely right! Usopp, scratch everything I just told you about Sanji and put what Robin said, it's genius!"
SLAM!
"Zoro, would you mind not slamming the doors?"
"He can slam those things all he wants just to show you my ship will never break! I had all the doors specially reinforced to withstand any and all of your teenage hormonal outbursts of rage and-!"
"Later, Franky. We have something to discuss with Nami."
"'We?'"
Zoro pulled up a limp yet twitchy Sanji by the collar before promptly dropping him onto the deck. The rest of the crew regarded this before Usopp shouted, "Holy crap, one of you've finally mentally wounded the other!"
"Shut up, the dart brow's just fainted like the pansy he is!"
"What was that, shitty swordsman?!"
"It's a miracle!" Luffy seemed to have deemed it a good time to come into the conversation, until he decided dancing with glee over the resurrection of Sanji with Chopper and Usopp was better.
Sanji, meanwhile, stood up and dusted himself off, trying to keep as much cool as possible considering the circumstances. Zoro scoffed at this, seeing the twitch still going on with his ridiculous eyebrow. Seriously, was that some birth defect or what? He briefly wondered if his mom had that, too, and how it would look on some lady. That image somehow morphed into Sanji with boobs, and while that wasn't a far cry from the truth in Zoro's opinion, it sure wasn't a good thing to be thinking of. So he quickly went to his most previous thoughts, which were of that freaky comic thing of Sanji and him doing the most bizarre acts he's ever seen. That was a huge leap, considering he'd seen some pretty fucked up stuff (square, giraffe guy being the latest), but what was illustrated on those pages was enough to make his brain explode. Seriously, who did that stuff?! Definitely not him and definitely not with the cook! He'd really have to let Nami have it and… oh yeah.
"What the hell were you doing in me and Robin's room?!" This shout was punctuated with Nami's fist connecting with the backside of his head. Once he became one with the deck, he saw Sanji wasn't too far off and in a similar state. Only in a sissy way.
Apparently, while Zoro was finding inner peace (daydreaming, to the rest of the world), Sanji had been explaining what had happened and was trying to wrap his perverted mind around why Nami would do such a thing.
To which Nami sighed after distributing punishment and said, "I suppose it was going to be found out sooner or later. To make things short, Usopp and I are making porn of you two and selling it. Sanji, I'm thirsty. Could you fix me a strawberry daiquiri?" (1)
"Of course, Nami-swaaaaan!" Sanji trilled. He then spun around and gave a death glare to Usopp. "You drew that crap, didn't you?!"
Usopp jumped before spazzing out, saying, "Well, you see, it was originally a joke comic and stuff with absolutely no dirty, disturbing situations! Ha ha, it was more like you two being all gushy and lovey and everything and it was funny because you two would never in a million years be like that with each other and it's all quite a large misunderstanding and for the love of all that is good I'm sorry!"
"How do you sleep at night?" Zoro growled. His sleep wouldn't be affected by this, but his dreams probably would be. It almost made him not want to take his mid morning nap… almost.
"Chopper's mastered hypnotism," Usopp whimpered.
"It's really cool!" Luffy added.
"Shut up, bastards!" Chopper sang, going into his usual little dance.
"Just don't snap your fingers," Luffy continued, "'cause then Usopp will go skinny dipping."
"What?!"
"It was Franky's idea!"
"It's refreshing," Franky explained.
"I didn't need to know that," Nami muttered while Robin smirked. "Sanji, my daiquiri?"
Mr. Bipolar frolicked away to the kitchen at that with a heart filled, "Coming right up!"
The rest of the crew then began a discussion on skinny dipping etiquette, leaving Zoro to ponder why the hell he was stuck with such an absent minded crew. It was really pissing him off because he had come to discuss something and he damn well was going to discuss it! True, he honestly didn't care nearly as much as Sanji (who would no doubt pummel Usopp once he finished being a bitch boy slave), but it was still an issue in that it was done behind his back. Simple logic tells us that there was a reason for that and Roronoa Zoro had every right to know what that reason was… damnit.
"So no skinny dipping during the day or night?" Franky was saying. "Then when can we do it?!"
"Early morning and evening, if you must," Nami explained. "It's for your own safety and the safety of everyone else's eyes."
"I think the main problem here is that I've been programmed to do it when I don't want to!" Usopp exclaimed.
"We don't know that, yet," Luffy said. "We haven't tried it, it might not work… So I say, as captain, that we experiment! Ready?"
"No!"
"Oka-!"
Before Luffy had a chance to snap his fingers, Zoro grabbed his hand to hault it and successfully got everyone's attention. Of course, he then had to quickly grab Luffy's other hand, too. Then he was successful in getting everyone's attention (assuming Luffy couldn't snap his toes).
"Thank you, Zoro," Usopp sighed.
"I wouldn't talk so soon if I were you," Zoro warned. "You and that witch have a lot of explaining to do."
"I already told you," Nami said, obviously annoyed. "Usopp and me are making porn of you and Sanji and selling it. Geez, I would think even you could understand that!"
"Of course I do! What I mean is why?!"
Silence.
"Why not?"
"Are you serious?!"
"Yeah, I mean, I hate to say it but we can't get all our money from just stealing it. Especially with new crew members, a larger ship, it all adds up to nearly double. So when Usopp made that comic of you two, I realized that it would probably make a killing in the doujinshi world. It's for the better of our crew!"
"Don't try to make it sound like you're a caring person!"
"How dare you make such an untrue statement! Why, I'm the author of your stories and I'm always getting letters saying how sweet it is! I'm FULL of compassion, damnit!"
"It's true," Robin said. "The way she fabricates the events are very heartwarming. Highly unlikely, but heartwarming."
"That makes it even worse!" Zoro shouted. "Give me one of those books, I gotta see how much you people have ruined my reputation."
"Fine," Nami groaned. "We'll start you off with the first of our series. Before this one we just had a few short stories that didn't really go with each other and quickly decided that a full on story was in order. This one" -she had gone to some random storage closet and pulled out a book from behind a wall… weird- "begins all the way back at the Baratie and goes on from there."
"It's really good!" Chopper suddenly said from under Zoro's legs. "Robin, Franky and me all got a better understanding of how you two met by reading it!"
Zoro got a strange image of the three of them reading this presumed porn together in a bed like some family story time… again, weird.
"Even you've read these, Chopper?" Zoro asked.
"Well, not all. Nami says I shouldn't read certain parts until I'm way older. But I'm in there, too! I turn you into a bull and Sanji into a deer! Isn't that cool?!"
"What?!"
"Forget it, it's later," Usopp said, apparently over his fears for the time being. "And for the record, we tried to keep you as bad ass as possible!"
Zoro merely grunted as he sat down and began to read.
The first image was a splash page of Sanji and himself in some ridiculously cozy position on a cough, as if they were lovers or something.
Better get used to that idea if I'm really gonna read this crap, Zoro thought.
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1.) I want a strawberry daiquiri. Anyone else?
A/N: We'll be getting back to Sanji next chapter, I felt it was necessary to have a Zoro POV chapter. Plus, I love writing guys like him. So fun! XD Funny thing, I started this in November, got stuck, reread it two days ago, deleted it, and rewrote the whole thing in the past two days. What helped was some Japanese fanart site with ultra-uke skinny Sanji and feral-dog with a thing for nipples Zoro. Ming you, it was very well drawn ultra-uke skinny Snaji and feral-dog with a thing for nipples Zoro so I wasn't terribly disturbed by it. It was oddly inspiring...
You know what to do!
Please leave a review!
As always, CONSTUCTIVE criticism is welcomed with strawberry daiquiris… seriously, that sounds delicious right now.