HULK SMASH!
Now, for our grand finale! I shall hand back the tests, but I must first remember to take attendance!
"All right, class, settle down," Xavier declares the next morning, "first we must... um... hold on... there was something of dire importance which will determine the fate of our entire school...
"Oh, well, I shall now hand back your tests. Quicksilver?" Pietro races around the classroom at lightning-fast speeds, handing back the entire class' papers in a matter of seconds. Meanwhile, Inspector Kelly shakes his head in the back of the room.
"Okay, Doom," Reed says, "on the count of three, we'll open our papers up and see what we got. Of course, I already know what I got!"
"Yes, yes, you told Doom. But, Doom could have done better." A crowd is now forming around the two rivals and counting down.
"Three," shouts Nightcrawler.
"Two," shouts the Green Goblin.
"One," shouts Thor.
"And ze-" Fisk begins, but just then, Banner begins shouting out.
"A forty-three? How the did I get a $!& forty-three?"
"Oh, why it's quite simple, Bruce," Xavier explains, wheeling up and looking at the man's paper. "Right over... here! See, you misspelled the word 'nuclear'. You wrote 'nucular'."
"What? How dare you insult my spelling! This is making me very angry! You won't like me when I'm angry!!!!!" Suddenly, Banner's skin turned green and he grew to the size of a behemoth! He was changing into the Hulk! "HULK SMASH!"
Just then, the Hulk slammed his fists into the ground, causing a seismic ring to take out the entire school down to its foundations. Immediately, everyone in the school – whether they be hero, villain, or somewhere in-between – attacked the Hulk to defend their school! Well, everyone other Inspector Kelly did, that is...
Bobby Drake prepared to put the Hulk on ice, as he went frosty, sliding on his ice like a sled.
"Need to be cooled down, big guy?" he bellowed, but Hulk to one mighty fist, shattered Bobby ice-skates and sent the Iceman hurtling to the ground.
Meanwhile, Tony Stark flew up high and assaulted the monster with lasers shot from his hands.
"Are you registered?" he asked, but Hulk tore apart a water fountain and used it as a shield, then hurled it towards his attacker, knocking out Iron Man.
"Told ya so!" Doctor Strange was cheering, sticking his tongue at Bruce, who simply swatted away the minor distraction.
Quicksilver ran around the Hulk very quickly in order to create a hurricane. Hulk held his arms out so that, as he spun, he bowled over Pietro.
Pyro came up, shooting flames at the Hulk, who curtly responded, "Thank you. Hulk was cold." But, just then, Captain America threw his shimmering shield and hit Hulk in the head. "HULK SMASH!" Hulk grabbed Pyro and tossed him at the Cap, knocking out both of them.
"Fire at will!" Fisk and Sable simultaneously declared, putting aside their differences (sort of). What Fisk didn't realize, of course, was that Sable's men shot the Red Skull, who had been in the middle of planting grenades and preparing to set them off at the time – a plan which could have actually worked – and put him out temporarily.
"You imbecile!" Kingpin declared, grabbing Silver Sable and squeezing the consciousness out of her.
"But he was a naz- naz- i..." Hulk took this distraction as an opening and smacked the Kingpin on the back of the head.
"This'll be no problem, Bub!" Wolverine declared, slashing out at Hulk and making him angrier. Hulk slammed Wolverine into the ground.
"I am Galactus, devourer of worlds!" Galactus bellowed. "And you, you are a brute who could best me in any fight! After all, you, unlike I, are actually vulnerable, and the invulnerable bosses are always the easiest in video games! So, it must be true in reality as well!" Hulk grabbed Galactus by the leg. "HULK SMASH!" Then, he swung Galactus around and tossed him miles into the distance.
"Told you so!!!!!" Galactus echoed.
"Die, Green-Guy, die!" Ultron screeched when suddenly, a beeping sound was heard and Ultron looked down to see a small Post-It note on his metallic chest. Ultron picked it up and read. "'Don't forget to change batteries: Requires Double-A's.' NOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo..." And on that note, Ultron's batteries died.
"This'll be a sinch!" Johnny Storm declares, flaring in. "Hey, Hulkie – remember me? You know, from Marvel Team-Up #Something-or-another?" Hulk punched Torch out, barely feeling the singe.
Next on the list was Peter Parker, who webbed Hulk's eyes. Hulk snatched it off, shouting "HULK SMASH!" and stepped on Spidey mid-swing.
"OOF! Talk about between a rock and a hard place!"
"I do not care how mighty thou may be!" Thor boomed. "For thy strength can not compete with that of a god!" And on that note, he swung his hammer at Hulk, who side-stepped the attack.
Meanwhile, Magneto was preparing to launch a sharp piece of metal through the Hulk's heart from behind, but then Hulk stepped aside for some reason. Magneto looked up to see a hammer flying towards him.
"Eep!" he shouted, dropping the shard and clutching the hammer with his magnetic fields. "Oh, wow, that's convenient. How come I never thought of before?" He turned to Thor. "You dare attack Magneto!" Then, Magneto hurtled Thor's hammer back to its owner – it does always come back – as Thor sent out a defensive lightning bolt. The two simultaneously struck each other out of the battle.
Suddenly, Kitty Pryde phased up out of the ground. "You know, Professor, I'm still waiting to finish that Danger Room stimula- OH, MAN! THE HULK! THE DANGER ROOM HAS COME ALIVE!!!!!!" Hulk turned to her and – "HULK SMASH!" – smashed her into the ground while she was solidifying, trapping Shadowcat half in the earth.
"Ah, this is boring," Mephisto declared, and snapped his fingers. Suddenly, Vision, Invisible Woman, Sabretooth, Mystique, Nova, and Carnage appeared and ran to defeat the Hulk.
"Told ya so!" Thing declared, as the Hulk jumped on the other side of the wall Ben was standing on to use it as a lever and send Thing straight into his fist.
"Oh, c'mon, Satan!" Cassidy cried out. "You're too merciful!" And then, he slashed Mephisto across the chest, knocking him out. Suddenly, Hulk came up from behind and knocked Carnage deep under the soil.
Sue Richards tried to contain the Hulk within a forcefield, but this only made him angrier. And so, with a loud "HULK SMASH!", the Hulk hammered at the forcefield until the Invisible Woman was exhausted.
Meanwhile, Uatu took out his cell phone and ordered a pizza from the planet Zenn-La. "Yes, I know your home was destroyed, but this is going to be a long battle and we're gonna get really hungry. I mean – yes, the lunch lady's are back from the dead, but – no, I don't have a credit card, but -" Then, the Hulk came and crushed Watcher's cell, making him burst into tears. "Incessant talking man – or thing – making Hulk angry."
"I thought that was your bad spelling!" Osborne shouted, riding his glider around and tossing pumpkin bombs. The Hulk smacked a few back as if they volleyballs and the Goblin's glider exploded, sending the Green Goblin back to earth.
Mystique and Nova, however, attempted to attack at the same time, from different directions. Predictly, Hulk jumped over their attacks and sent them on a collision course.
Punisher took his heavy artillery and shot Hulk a million times over as if he wanted Hulk to get angrier and stronger. "HULK SMASH!" Hulk then threw a mighty uppercut which smacked Punisher hundreds of yards away.
Just then, Victor Shade popped his head out the Hulk's chest. "Hello," he smirked as the confused Hulk threw a punch at himself. Kurt Wagner, however, forgot that Vision was intangible and teleported in the way.
"Nightcrawler!" Shade yelped as Nightcrawler fell to the ground, coming out of Hulk's chest and forgetting to remain intangible. In other, Hulk smashed between his fists. "OOF!"
Just then, Hank Pym came along, enormous. "I heard of your problems and -" Then, he saw home many people had been defeated by the Hulk and changed his mind. "Then again, I was only in one scene, so I feel no compellation here." He then returned from whence he came
Suddenly, Kreed came up from behind and began clawing at the Hulk's back. The Hulk slowly reached back, picked him up, examined him, and said, "Little man makes Hulk angry." Then, he dropped a whimpering Sabretooth to the earth below.
Daredevil, meanwhile, tried a few aerial acrobatic tricks, hoping to distract and calm the Hulk. Of course, just then, Mrs. Nothingtodowithmarvelcomicsinanywaywhatsoever came in a really big truck, hitting into the Hulk and angering him some more. "HULK SMASH!" he shouted as he crushed the truck, crumpled it into a heap, and threw it at Daredevil (Mrs. Nothingtodowithmarvelcomicsinanywaywhatsoever dashed out just in time, exhausted), knocking him out of the skies.
"Well," Reed said, turning to Doom. "Look's like it's just the two of us now."
"Wait a minute – we are?" Doom suddenly realized.
"Well, that was kind of all the teachers and fellow classmates minus Xavier and Inspector Kelly, so yeah."
"Um, Richards, we're not the only class in this school, you know..."
"Shush!" Reed whispered. "That's true, but we can't let the readers know that!"
"Ah, I see..."
"So, um, truce?"
"For now," Doom replied, "but you do realize that the deal is still on, Richards, correct?"
"I wouldn't have it any other way. Now, then, let's go kick some ugly butt!"
Reed and Doom then charged at the Hulk who grabbed them, one in each hand.
"Um, you see, Bruce," Reed said, "when I said 'ugly', um..."
"It was his idea!"
"Hey!"
"HULK SMASH!" Hulk banged two into each other and knocked them out.
Oh, please, Xavier thought, this is ridiculous! A school full of meta-humans and not one of them can bring down a single oversized brute? Clearly, they need more time in the Danger Room... Inspector Kelly, can you do anything? That last part was directed into Kelly's mind.
"ARE YOU INSANE, MISTER XAVIER???? THIS IS THE HULK, NOT A CONGRESSMAN!!!!"
Then, I suppose it's up to me. Xavier wheeled up to Hulk, slightly annoyed about being called "Mister" again. He was concentrating on a heavy mental attack aimed to calm the rampaging beast.
The Hulk flicked him away.
"All right, that's it! No more Professor-Nice-Guy!" Professor X shouted. Though he had lost his wheelchair, he now crawled towards the Hulk, increasing the power of the mental assault which would shortly follow.
Hulk swatted him off to the side.
"OOF! IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?" The professor was now worming his way towards the Hulk, prepared for a deadly mental breakdown.
The Hulk karate-chopped his back, as Professor Xavier lost consciousness.
Wait a minute, he suddenly realized, why didn't I attack from afar? Great going, Charles...
It seemed as if the Hulk had now beaten everyone other than Inspector Kelly, who wasn't about to fight the Hulk, anyway. But just then, Spider-Man got a second wind!
"HULK SMASH!"
"Do you have to always be redundant, Hulky? Y'know, this is getting elongated." On that note, Spider-Man punched down low – very low. The Hulk winced in pain, then keeled over, turning back into Bruce Banner on the way.
"Why didn't I think of that?" Reed wondered.
As Bruce got up and looked around, he wondered how the others had managed to stop him.
"What did you guys do? Hit me with a nucular missile?"
"No, we... err... How do I put this?" Doom tried to find a way to explain. "Spider-Man hit you in the -"
---
Meanwhile, having recovered his wheelchair, Xavier sped after Inspector Kelly.
"Well, that was a nice day, now, wasn't it?"
"Are you kidding me, Mr. Xavier?" Kelly curtly replied. "I'm gonna flunk this school and tear apart at its foundations!" The inspector looked up at the ruins of Marvel High. "Or at least what's left of them!"
"What? We did nothing to deserve a poor grade – nothing!"
"Are you kidding me, Mr. Xavier? You kicked a student in the- the-"
"He was the Hulk, Inspector Kelly!"
"Criminal insanity is no excuse! A cheap shot is a cheap shot, Mr. Xavier," Kelly ended, turning around.
"How many times must I tell you: Do. Not. Call. Me. Mister."
Inspector Kelly turned around to continue arguing when a thought entered his head. Perhaps I shouldn't flunk him for a cheap shot on the Hulk. After all, green's a bad color. And perhaps I should actually be a good person and call him "Professor", not "Mister". Yes, I think I'll do that. I'll leave now.
And so, as Inspector Kelly left the building (or at least what was left of it), Professor Xavier grinned. "I should do that more often."
---
Meanwhile, Reed Richards and Victor Von Doom finally retrieved their tests and returned to the Baxter Building. There, they prepared to open them.
"All right, Doom, time for you to be mine. My monkey-boy, that is."
"You make Doom laugh, Richards, for surely Doom is the smarter."
They tore their seals and began to slip out the tests, when suddenly, both were lit on fire.
"What the hell?" Doom hollered.
"No, I'm the servant of Hell!" Reed reminded him.
The two mortal enemies ran to the window and looked out to see a flaming man fly into the distance.
"JOHNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
---
Well, the roller-coaster approached its end and I hope you've enjoyed. I sure have. Though I have no plans for a sequel, if y'all like, tell me. There's nothing like peer pressure to get more out of me!