No clue how to name this chapter, there is no great action but a lot to think about. Enjoy and review for love, grace, faith and Jack Daniels.

Thank you note: Much, much, much thanks Ditte3. You really helped me out, I wrote much faster after your reactions and my ego is the size of Mars at the moment. THANKS! (The jetski is coming your way)

Disclaim: Let's start with the good things, I own Lizz, Julio, Djessy… that sounds good! And that car and one packets of Black Devils. I do not own Agent SJ Sands and that… blows big time. Well you can't have it all, now can you?

Warning: yeah, let's drop another warning for bad spelling. I think I've become much better since I started English for a good few years ago. But I'm still learning, I'm still Dutch and still dyslectic. Some things will never chance.

Chapter 12)Whirlpool of thoughts

He'd been staring at the TV screen without watching it. Everything kept spinning and spinning in his head. He had been held hostage, got a gun against his head, drove almost into a couple of cars so she could set them on fire… And now he sat here, somewhere in nowhere. Watching a flickering TV screen.

The door got opened and Lizz stepped in a bit unease. Finally he could rip his eyes of the screen.

"A-are you alright? I heard some screams from the hallway."

She smiled nervous. "I'm okay."

"Then can you finally tell me what the hell is happening?!?" He exploded. "You almost shot! You destroyed cars… You… and he! And she?! Who is she?! Why did you kidnapped her?! She is a doctor and you could use a doctor right now, both of you! Because your out of your mind! Your loco!"

She looked to her feet and started to toy with her bracelet.

"Why didn't you let her take him away!" He spat. "You said it yourself, he is crazy and dangerous! Why didn't you let her take him away! You could've been safe!"

She sat down on the bed next to him and pulled her knees up. "You won't understand."

He cleared his throat. "Try me Lizz, tell me everything. He isn't your uncle right?"

She shook her head. "No, where not even related. He just turned up one day… No, that's not right." She sighted trying to find the words. "About one year ago on the day of the dead I found him shot to shred, bleeding and… he-. I took him in not know what I took in."

Julio's eyes grew. "And your family just let you?"

"Well, I don't really have any family left. That I know of." The fumbling with her bracelet turned nasty. "That's a long story, but let's just say I flee to Mexico because I've done some stupid things myself."

"Like what?"

She let her bracelet alone and looked up. "I stool millions from my stepfathers bank account, it was a payback and a good start for a new life. Just… don't think about that to much, it's difficult."

He felt puzzled. "No kidding."

"After a week or so he was pretty fixed up, a good thing though because that's when trouble came. My stepfather found out where I was and we had to run away. Well drive away."

"You can drive?"

"Back then I couldn't but you learn very quick if you have to." He just nodded after that.

"After that we basically drove through Mexico trying to find some place safe. He set me up a few times, I did too. Some old enemy turned into a friend, at least for me. Sands still hates him. It's all so extremely messed up and complicated I don't really know how to explain. You should have been there to understand."

"Still I don't get why you didn't left him to that doctor. He is crazy and dangerous, why do you care for him all that much?"

Her bearing changes and he couldn't remember her eyes being so serious. "Because he became a better man. And I know why he does what he does. He took bullets for me, he killed for me. I'm not saying it's good, not at all." She paused. "I think I'm to fare into this to see the right from wrong in the big picture. He is crazy, I know that. But he would never hurt me on purpose. And that Djessy… She is not taking him away, over my dead body. I know this all sounds like I lost it too. But, I guess that's my life now. And I'm sorry that I thought I could change that. I'm sorry that your mixed into my life. In a day or so that will be over and I'll pay you enough to make it back and buy a new car and a new shop, Julio. I promise."

"I still don't get it Lizz." He muttered and massaged his temple. She gave him a watery smile.

"That's okay, I'm still trying to figure it all out. That's how life works with mister Chaos."

"Don't you miss that then, just to live life like… normal people?" He asked.

She shrugged. "What's normal? I grew up in a 'normal' family, well for the first few years. I don't think I'll ever live a normal life. I can't go back there. You have no idea what kind of things I've seen and as soon as I have time to think those things come back. I've seen dead people, shot, I saw a person murder another. I've been through horrible thinks that I don't think I'll ever keep up a normal relationship going. I don't think normal is healthy for me, not any more."

"So your just going to run from city to city until you die?"

"I think so, that's my life. Our life since the day of the dead. That won't chance, not with all the money of the word."

He gave her a long look, she seemed a bit dreaming and starred at the figures on the carpet.

"You don't sound unhappy about it."

"I was some time ago. Then I got the chance to go back and live a normal life. But when I was alone I found out things as normalcy passed me. I couldn't get back, not even when he was in that Centre with Djessy. I chanced to much."

Julio didn't know what to think, it felt like he stepped into another world. Her world that seemed to dangerous to live in. He wondered how she could have survived, he'd been in it for about a day and he felt the urge of crying and hiding under the blankets like a little boy would do after watching a horror movie. Only this movie was reality.

"Let's get some sleep, tomorrow morning we have to leave by dawn. So that's not more then four hours to sleep." She yawned.

"Where are we going tomorrow?"

She lay down under the blankets. "O, sorry I so totally forgot. Where going to some drug city to get fake ID's since we will be in the picture. There we will drop you off at the station or something. I'll figure out some story for you, so if the CIA comes knocking on your door you know what to say and it won't put you in danger."

She clicked the light out and fell asleep, he didn't he just stared into the darkness while his thoughts were spinning and spinning.

.-.-.

"Get up, it's morning." Someone shoved him and patted on his shoulder. "Jeez, get your lazy ass all up, were going!"

He quirked his head up and rolled to his side. "Fuck off, I feel like dead meat."

The blankets got pulled off. "We have to go, surely you don't want your next wake up to be from the CIA."

That idea made it more bearable to get up. Feeling his back ache from being knocked down by the drugs, he sat up. The first thing he did, as he did every morning, was to make sure his glasses where firmly against his brows. So he didn't have to face the world as a freak, but as a man.

"What time is it?" That was number two of his morning ritual.

"'Bout five."

"That's early."

"I figured all of the other agents would be early-birds."

"True, they all live on coffee and coke. Wonderful way of rushing through your life."

She snored. "Yes, sounds even better then the American dream."

He heard her wander through the room. He felt below his pillow until his hands griped around a gun. Not the handgun from Djessy, but his gun. He reloaded it in now time, played with the cold steal for a moment and listen to her. She kept an eye on him, trying not to let it be noticed. 'Sweet, but fucking annoying.' He razed the gun. "Bang, bang I shot you down."

"That's not funny." She answered.

"Who said it should be." He replied on a humming tune. "My baby shot me down." He mimicked a gun, pressed his index finger against his temple and pulled the 'trigger'.

"Wonderful singing voice Sands." She sneered and pushed the last few items in her bag. "Next year I'll put you up for Idols, you might even make it to Broadway."

He gave her an amused look and pushed the gun between his belt. "We should buy a few holsters, walking with a gun near your dick can make a scene."

"Walking with you, with Djessy on cuffs makes a scene no matter what." She told. "But your right, in that drugtown of yours I'm sure we can find some."

After he'd heard the doc's name everything what she said after was a bit of a blur. For a moment there was panic climbing up his throat, before he realised he had a gun fully loaded if she even tried coming near him.

"Speaking of the good old doc, why isn't she mangling into this conversation. Surely she has a opinion about this all."

"She won't, not for a few hours. I drugged her before she woke up. I guessed with the doses, but if it could knock you cold she won't be a problem for a while."

"What stuff is it anyway?" He asked, remembering how numb he'd felt.

"Dunno, but it works." She answered blunt. "Are you ready to go? You have to drag her to the car. I told the manager my mom had some kind of epileptic attack and we have to take her to a doctor."

"Your on a roll kid, next time let the manager drag her to the car."

"O please, some exercise will do you good."

He heard her un cuff the iron and he stood up, repulsed by the fact he touch her again. 'I could just shoot her, I could. If I wanted to. I have the power to do that now.' With on last glare at Lizz he took the doc's arm and swung it around his shoulder.

"O, baby I'll shot you down."

.-.-.

Julio felt terrible uncomfortable sitting in the Cadillac against the drugged woman who had aimed at him not so very long ago. He was use to drive in his truck, with much room, that ragging noise on the background and the smell of smoke. This car didn't make any of those familiar sounds, had just enough space to breath and smelled to cheap perfume from hookers. O, and add the fact that the car had been repainted a few time and had now the colour of baby-pink mixed with some kind of green glow over it.

While Julio rolled on of the windows down, moral hit bottom up front front. Lizz was just driving, one very long and straight road. Sands was just sitting there, trying to catch the sleep he'd missed after the short night.

"Before you fall asleep and I follow next, can you start thinking about the things the CIA might want from you." He hear Lizz mutter.

"Ya think I haven't thought about that yet?" The loco snapped back, with a few warning tones in his voice. Then he readjust, both in his temper as his bearing and leaned back relaxed.

"They could want a hell lot of things from me. A, they could want some information I gathered over the years. B, they just want me to hush about all the dirty little things there beautiful organisation does. C-"

"-Like what?" She interrupted him.

He sighted, partly annoyed by her ignorance and the way she cut his story off. "Dozen of things, blackmailing countries, murdering politicise that have a brighter vision then that they'd like to see. Hmm, what more. O, the usual torture methods most people might find a bit harsh and medieval. Then you have the sudden disappearing of people, drug money, smuggle both drugs as people. Doing laundry, turning the blood-money into something useful. And, well the fact that they take people as me in says enough don't ya think?"

Julio's head snapped to Lizz thrilled to know how she was going to react. She just hummed and turned on the radio. His mouth dropped. 'Are you deaf?! Didn't you just hear what he said?!'

Probable not because she didn't seemed to be scared or shocked by it. Well, he was. Very much. The people sitting in the same car as he sat in where playing hide and seek with one big and invincible organisation where murder and secrets where rule number one. Another fact that also made him shiver was that the CIA had taking Sands in as an agent. If people like he where part of that organisation then… Would he even make it home?

'Home…' His annoying brothers, his crying little sister and his mother and father flashed by. How would they react if they found out his bed was empty and he didn't even leave a note. Didn't even say goodbye...

Quickly he turned to the window. He didn't even had the chance to say goodbye. In a matter of minutes, maybe even seconds his life had turned 360 degree. His casual way of life was gone, no more fixing up cars, no more being late for dinner. No more spending hours behind the counter reading comics.

Now his life really lay in the hands of God. And in those of Lizz and the loco. That fact made him shiver. There was something so terrible wrong with that man. The way he treated Lizz and everyone around him, his cold way of making clear what he wanted and how he wanted it. And the habit of wearing sunglasses twenty-four-seven. That wasn't normal. Nothing around him was normal.

There where so many pieces, to many to make a puzzle. He started to understand how un-normal Lizz her life was. To many little pieces to fix the big parts. And he only knew half of it…

The woman next to him started to move, he jumped and nudged his head on the exact same spot. He rubbed it annoyed by his stress. "Lizz, she starting to wake up."

The blond turned and observed the doctor for a moment. "Na, I think she will be alright for a hour or so."

"Your sure?" He poked in her ribs and the doctor let out a soft sound. "I think she's nearly close to waking up." Suddenly he frowned. "Why are we riding so slow?"

Lizz turned back. "I dunno, according to this car the engine is near full… Wait?!" She slammed on the dashboard. "He points that since we left… O shitty."

The car started rid slower, even while Lizz hammered down on the gas-pedal.

"SHIT!" Lizz spat.

"Lizz, please tell me you were intelligent enough to check this piece of crap before we drove away." The loco growled with tight jaws.

Lizz blushed. "Uhu…"

The loco sunk deep into his seat. "That's it where doomed." He glared to his left. "Why don't you shoot me through the head, idiotic little-"

"-Shut it, I've been thinking like twenty-thousand things at the same time! It's not that strange I forgot one little detail-"

"-Kid, you just screwed us over. And for the second time in one week you really piss me off." Before Lizz had a chance to get a word between he was already out and slammed the door shut.

Julio watch her slammed on the wheel and hiss something. She rubbed her temple. "This blows." They both watched as Djessy gave another soft mutter.

"This really blows..."

"What are we going to do now?" Julio asked worried.

She shrugged. "Beats me." She opened her door. "You stay in the car and give a yell if that nasty woman wakes up."

.-.-.

From the coolness of the car into the hot beaming sun sucked. It sucked now and it would always suck. That was Lizz her opinion about the Mexican weather. It was always as if you got slammed right into the face with a hot fist. You could practically lean against the hot air. But that was just one of the many things she didn't like about Mexico. She didn't like the food, it was to hot just as the weather and it all tastes the same. And the corruption and not be able to hang out wherever you like if you where a girl. Mexico could suck big time.

But of course with ever minus there is a plus. You could always wear short skirts and tops. You always remained a tinted skin, like the models on covers without using tones of high-quality make up. And if you wanted something, you could get it without questions, without waiting and without filling in forms.

So in a general sense of speaking, Mexico did well. If you had money. And that wasn't a problem. At the moment.

"Look I'm sorry alright?" She muttered, leaning on the roof of the car. She watched as he inhaled and didn't react when he blew the smoke in her face. She had that coming.

"Sorry won't do it kid. Were stranded in Midsea-Mexican-desert."

She pouted. "Well see it in a positive perspective."

"Which is?"

She went silent after that. "At least they don't know where we are."

One of his eyebrow rose. "And your sure of that because…"

"Because they would be here by now?" She started to doubt her answer, after she'd said it. And lost hope when he gave her an awkward look.

"Okay this blows."

"I was going for fucked bout yeah, this blows Lizzy." Sands answered.

Lizz narrowed her eyes. "How come your so calm? Normally you will threaten me if I bought the wrong kind of cereals. Now I practically handed us to the CIA on a silver plate and you haven't even yelled at me."

He made a gestured that tried to wave away her question. "So what's your point."

"My point is, you don't even try to drag me over the car and punch me in the face. You don't have your gun ready to be trigger. Your not even interrupting me while I'm rattling to you! Explain that!"

He breathed in harsh. "Fine, kid you wanna know why I'm trying to stay calm and not cut your throat?! Because this thing is humming again and as soon as I get slightly pissed, angry or anxious this little thingy is going to trigger me and I'll snap, got that?!" He took another deep breath. "So, yeah I'm trying to get rid of the urge to scream at you senseless because as soon as I do that I'll go loco. And since you and I both know there isn't much of meds around and where in the middle of fucking nowhere I don't think it'll do anything good, savvy?!"

She crossed her arms. "You have a point."

"Good." He ruffled on the roof with his fingers, with his other hand he took out another cigarette that lay also on the hot metal of the car. "And fuck me if you nag about smoking."

"I wont." Although lung-cancer almost slipped out her mouth.

The door on Julio's side opened and Sands growled. Julio withdraw a little and stared at her as little puppies can do too. Why are you doing this to me, he seemed to say.

"She woke up and starts to talk. I just thought you would like to know that." He gave Sands one long look, who gave him a thigh grin and stepped back in the car.

"O, Lizz why did you fall for Saint Edgy. I mean no offence but that guy will jump when he sees his own shadow." Sands pointed out.

"Just because he is not use to you and everything that includes you doesn't mean he's chicken." She said sulky. "Remember my first few weeks? I was scared too."

"That was because I had a gun pushed against your temple whole day and you had a million theft with your name on it. That was different Lizz."

She shrugged. "Whatever. I'm going to check on Djessy before we have another problem."

.-.-.

The buzzing in his head started to increase and it annoyed him. He was perfectly able to hear and understand what was happening around him, but there was a rustle through it all. Like when you listen to a old radio. He could block the voices, but make them less. He didn't react and tried to act like he didn't hear any of it.

But it was there and that started to nibble on his fear. That wasn't good, not at all. As soon as fear kicked in hurt wasn't very far. Somehow they become friends, living along his life. And he had to watch out for them. Because how much they enjoyed the others company, they never like him that much.

'You can't take me down fuckwit.' He pressed out the cigarette and crushed it in his hand. He could feel the burning of the last remaining bit of heat. But that wasn't important. He needed to feel to stay… It sounded so god damn retarded. 'But it's necessary. Don't listen, don't listen think about other things…'

Like what… How the CIA was going to smoke him? How long he would last without his meds, water and cigs? How long it would take until his brain was fried… He moaned and tapped on his temple. 'Fuck.'

Now there was whispering. Slow and low. Both very much the opposite of good. Both very wrong to hear. It always started with the nameless first one. Stressing him out just for being there. It would always make him do those crazy things. Bad things, evil things. Hurt, fear, let the buds take other people down. So he could stay standing.

Because it would hiss and threaten if he didn't listened, didn't react, ignored or fought with it. Then it would get all cheered up and summon something up that could hurt him like hell. No, it wasn't hell. He'd been in hell already, eight fucking years to count precise. Or maybe it was hell and he just got dragged back into it. It was the fear, the darkness, the pain. The faint feeling of knowing he couldn't make it stop. Because it was in his own head. And she wouldn't let him blow that up.

Then there was another. He didn't fear that one. He was mortified of that one. Because that last one made him remember everything and everyone he ever harmed. The tone, the grief in the words and the venom. It might be the worse of the three. Because it made him doubt. Hate himself, feeling sick, unworthy to live. And maybe he was, because what was he?

'One big bluff.' He answered himself. 'One guy screwed over ten times to many. Not lucky, stabbed in the back. And insane. That's me Sheldon Jeffery Sands the guy that didn't even die when he had the chance. The guy who's stuck in a country that took everything from him. One sick sorry ass.'

He opened his hand and let the small bits of shag whirl along with the warm wind. He craved for another, somehow nicotine would ease his mind. As alcohol, but he was very out of that. And without meds it would take longer to get in that lucid state. He wouldn't even make it there, only pass out in the dirt and have a motherfucker-hangover.

But before he could clear his mind and take another Lizz stumbled out.

"There is a truck coming."

HAH! A cliffhanger. I think this one will count as the first. God, I feel so bad right now. No, not for my readers, for me because while writhing I ate to much candy and I'm going to be sick.

Okay, that was enough information about me. (Takes another energy-drink and some chocolate) I need to make it to 45KB tonight. I really want to make that. I don't think I'll make it but I have to try.

I like how my character develop, Sands included even when he is not really my character. ( although I gave him another POV then in the movie… alright I made him nuts, that's why I love him. I dig the crazy.) I think Lizz is doing well, for a teen. I like how she keeps being a teen with he way of talking and thoughts. Julio, poor guy. I feel so sorry for him…yeah, right…

And Djessy, boy she is going to have a hard time. I kinda planned things out. I know half of the ending and one El Grande thing in the middle. And some other things, smaller but funny to write and hopefully to read.

O, hear me ramble. I'm going!

X Nuky.

PS) Don't forget to review, yes you! No! Don't look away you little-… GET BACK HERE!