For all the people that are reading this fic, god bless you. Sorry it took me so long to update something. Before you start reading, there isn't much action in this chapter.

Disclaim: Sands is not mine, rest of it all IS! YEAH I own some things.

Chapter 15) Just another plan B.

Concerned she stared at the white wall in front of her. Hot water made her vision unclear and the steam made it harder to breath. But she kept standing in the small shower.

Everything kept repeating itself, the shots the silence, the body the blood. He'd been so close, so close of losing it. He told her right after they left the Church,

Lizz get me meds, drugs anything. Don't let this happen again.

She sighted, that line had been repeating itself for hours. Even when they had left the town behind them Sands had been silent, that wasn't like him. And even she didn't feel like talking. Her normal habit of rambling had been replaced by doubts. And there where to many already.

Bitter tears run down her wet cheek, she let herself slid down the wall and cried softly. 'There are people dead again. All because of him. And all because I told him to. I told him to walk in only to save-' Her eyes shot open and she directly closed them again because of the hot water. 'I forgot the fugitive!' She slammed her fist into the wall and cried out. 'That's so stupid! I let people get murder for nothing! I killed…' She whipped her eyes and stubbornly refused to believe she was still crying. 'I am not better than them, maybe even worse… I let another person, a mentally unstable person risk his life for something I wanted.'

She let the hot water slam down on her back, it hurt but she deserved it. 'I was right, when I'm around him I can't see the difference between good and evil. Everything is plain and grey. Everything is possible, only because I have the power to make it happen.'

She stroke her hair out of her face. 'I'm such a lowlife, pretending I'm so much better than him. In fact he is, at least he is brave enough to face what he is. I'm just a little brat whose lecturing everyone, especially him how to live life. Who am I to tell what life should be like, I'm not living a life, I'm living a lie. Pretending everything I do is for the good of another. But it's only good for me. Look what I did, I dragged two more people down to my level. I even dragged Sands lower, by saving him. He didn't even wanted to get saved, but I just did to feel better about myself. So people could think I mattered.'

She bit her lip. 'Like I matter… I don't, I just don't. Else dad wouldn't have left me alone with mom. If I mattered he would have cared. Maybe mom was right, if it wasn't for me she would be happy with that bastard. If I hadn't been there, that time, that night… Maybe it was all my fault. If I hadn't been there I wouldn't have to flee to Mexico, I wouldn't have put Sands though so much. Mom would still have her boyfriend and Sands didn't have to kill him. He wouldn't have to go to that Centre, wouldn't have met Djessy… We all wouldn't be here, running from the CIA and probably the Cartel by now…Julio would be home with his wonderful family, crap… I destroyed a family. And so does the circle goes around…'

She hunched forward and let her sobs turn into outcries. It all hurt and burned, like the water did.

"Lizz?" Her vengeance demon had picked up her dreadful sounds. "What the fuck are you doing in there?!"

"SHUT UP GO AWAY!" She screamed hysteric, holding her head. There was a pause of hesitation, then three hard knocks on the door.

"Lizz don't play hysteric bitch on me." He preached.

She hated that voice of him, so cool and sane. Like a schoolteacher, or a great drama artist. Because it was all a lie. He wasn't like that, he was insane and always would be. And she hated that part of him, sometimes more then she cared for the rest. "GO AWAY! YOU LIAR! YOU'RE A JOKE! FUCK OFF!"

There was another pause. "Lizz don't make me come in- o screw it!" There was a hard crack and he crashed through the door. Her eye grew huge as she saw his silhouette place the broken door against the wall.

He yanked the shower curtains aside and hissed when the hot water drenched his shirt, jeans and boots. Quickly he turned the water off and stared a bit repulsed down on her. She was still to confused to said, or scream something.

"You, change- fuck… Put some clothes on, get yourself together. Then, bedroom. We need to talk." He stepped back, getting the floor all wet with his soaked clothes and draw the curtains back.

She hadn't thought she could feel worse. But today was doomsday. Everything bad was possible. She got up like a sleepwalker and slapped away the curtains in a slow almost passive way. She stumbled to the mirror above the sink. She whipped the unclearness away with a towel and while she dried her body she kept staring into the eyes of that pathetic repulsive little girl. With mascara circled around her eyes, trying to turn her into an adult, while the gaze was from a young girl that had passed away her chance to hide from bad and evil things.

And with no way of expressing herself. No chance to tell and clear out everything she might want. Because that would hurt people and might chance to many things. And she still doubted what she really want. It changed every day, sometimes in moments. Maybe she just wanted to many things, she wanted to much and couldn't sacrifice the few things she had. Some days it where just moments to caress, some days there weren't even moments. And still some days where good. But only a few. But a few where better then none, right?

She didn't know anymore, she didn't want to be the one who decided. She wasn't good at that, but somehow she had to be the one who made the hard choices, what effected people she cared about. Even hurt.

She had been standing in front of the mirror for more than half a hour, surprisingly he hadn't yelled her to come in. It made it harder, because again he let the choice with her. It took her longer then normal to clear her face and straighten her back. To be flexible, careful and a bit numb. The one who says words didn't hurt is wrong, sometimes words could hurt as much as a fist crushing your jaw.

With a pare of old PJ's into the bedroom and although she had taken a shower she felled messed up. On the bed he had claimed Sands was smoking, well holding a cigarette between his fingers for the show. To keep his act up, nearly setting the sensitive fabric of the blanket on fire.

She took longer then needed to get through the room, he was studying her and didn't rush her. Now that freaked her out.

"You want to talk, talk." She muttered when she sat down on her bed.

He took a drag of the cig. "No, you talk."

Her eyes narrowed, building up the wall inside her. "Bout what?"

He sat up. "You."

"Why would I want that?"

"Because you freaked."

"You freak the whole time, do you hear me tell you to talk about it."

He pressed out the cigarette without finishing it. "Two wrong luv, one I'm not telling you to. I'm asking you. Second, you and I are two completely other subjects. Your right, I freak. Therefore you can't."

She gave him a long narrowed look even do he couldn't see it. "That's not fair."

"Life screws us all Lizzy, we both know that." He sighted and seemed to find the right words. "Life is fucked up and hundred times worse when your around me. Today it came back and I was glade at some point because the little fuck always gets me though the toughest, sickest things. He does the trick and I only watch, let him be. That's easy, he tells and I just do. But it's hard to suppress it. Since I lost my eyes I can't seem to get back-"

Suddenly he stopped. "Fuck, now I'm doing the talking." He made a slight gesture to her. "Your turn."

"There is no time, Sands. People are after us-"

"Fuck them." He interrupted her. " You talk, get things of your chest. We can't have another one of your outbreaks. I don't think my shoulder will find it pleasant to crack through another door."

She rolled her eyes. "You won't understand-"

He rose his hands. "Please don't give me that teenage crap. Don't start whining about how much the world don't get you. I sacrificed my last cigarette on this, so don't sissy your way out."

She looked upon the man she'd spend almost a year with. Witnessed him on his worst and best, but mostly on his worse. She saw him do terrible things, things he should be lock away for. He shot, he killed and he didn't stopped. Ever. And never would. Still she'd grown attached to him, because in a way he was the best thing that ever happened to her. That person that could care less if she was gone. He'd prove that, in more ways and more times then possible.

Sure, he didn't treat her like he cared. But that didn't matter.

No, it did, but things you can never change are better locked away in your head. So your heart won't suffer from those things to much.

"Sometimes I make things only worse." She started out blunt. "I try to make it better, but it all blows up in front of me. I thought I could… I could make you better, with the pills, with Djessy. And I thought I could try to be normal, be a nice girlfriend. I thought I could make it all better." She sighted deep. "And look what happened. Everything went wrong, I lost again. Like always. And I'm sick of it." She paused and continued with a tiny voice. "Sometimes even of you."

He nodded. "I had that coming." He seemed put off by her explanation, but not as much as she expected. "You know I've been thinking Lizz-"

She rolled her eyes. 'Here we go again, another plan b, another scheme.'

"- This life is killing you. My life is killing you. You ain't strong enough to dig it all. Don't say you are, because your not Lizz." He paused and left both of them in an awkward silence. "I hate your life, trapped in a house with more time to waist then is healthy for a guy. But, I can live it. It's good enough."

She crossed her arms. "So, what's your point in all?"

He looked up and sighed. "Means that after this, it all end. I quit being a bad-evil man. Since Day of the Dead that guy screws up everything anyway." He looked miserable, like he watched the grave of a old friend. "After we get the fake ID's, drop your honey off and ditch Djessy somewhere in the desert we flee. Not just this state, not just Mexico. We get on a plane and we disappear. I think I still have some old friends who can arrange that."

While he had been talking her eyes grow huge. "But… what if it all will go just as last time. I mean-"

He interrupted her. "Na won't happen, I'll try to learn stuff. Braille… I dunno play a instrument or something. I figure something out to keep me busy. And that doc gave me some clues what to take for meds. Anyway I'll find something to waste my time. At least you can have something to call a life. Live your American dream without worrying about American Psycho." After that he smirked stiffly.

Another very long and awkward silence fell.

Sands growled. "Alright, no need to thank me for sacrifice my life, dreams and all the other crap goose along with that!"

Lizz mouth had been hanging open for quit a long time. When she finally found the words all that came out was a sob. Annoyed Sands went through his hair.

"That's last time for me, playing nice!"

Through her tears she started to smile. "Your serious? I mean… Your sure? I mean… I mean…"

"Yes, what exactly do you mean?" He snapped annoyed.

"Am I worth it?"

For the third time in less then twenty minutes that long and awkward silence fell. Sands face had turned painful.

"I guess." He said casual, hand going into his pocket to a cigarette package that wasn't there. He frowned and hissed when he couldn't find it. "Don't get all bouncy and cheery and huggy. It's just a small change in plan, we can be dead tomorrow. Or this little habit of mine triggers. You never know, now can you."

"I guess not-"

"Wasn't a question it was a statement. As I can assure you there is a very full-size chance we get shot, beat, tortured or killed in a rush. So don't get your hopes up!" There lay some warning in his voice, with a dangerous undertone. He seemed calm and therefore close to let the control slip. That was one of the so many rules. You can scream at him if he screams back, but you better shut your mouth and do as he tells when he's all icy and cool.

"I understand." She said soft, still with a enormous smile on her face.

"Good." He nodded. "Good… Now shut up, go to sleep and don't freak out anymore because it's fucking annoying."

.-.-.

Just when I was so sure he was going to be that nice sweet guy… He blew it all up in my face again. I thought 'let's make a touchy huggy moment.' But no, of course not. One of the two have to be dead or dying before that ever happens (again).

About Lizz her thoughts, I do understand the teenage brain. (Because I am one.) We all have our days 'the word hates me', I love writhing her POV about 'the world hates me.'

Long chap, for a talk-chap/ think-chap. But I like it. Even bit proud of that. (not on the fact that I took me almost a week to write it. But I blame that on our very Dutch holiday, the fact that I'm sick and I'm still figuring out most of the things that are suppose to happen.)

Review, Review, Review,

X Nuky