Announcements about not owning anything except a Doctor Who figure and a demented mind to be inserted here. This fic was inspired by (sadly but obviously false) rumours that an idol of mine was to be the next Doctor. Enjoy!

"You turn this time machine around right now young man, or I'll ruddy well-"

The TARDIS touched down in a nearly deserted London street, rocking unsteadily on its very edges before coming to a stop, the door flying open and depositing the newest Doctor onto the pavement. He turned over and propped himself up onto his elbows, a scowl dominating his features.

"That's the last time I ever agree to go joyriding with you again," he huffed at his companion who was still safely stashed within the blue Police Box that could do anything except allow one to make a telephone call to the emergency services. "Did you see how annoyed that man was?"

"No, I was trying to work out where the ignition switch is," a voice piped up from inside. "Did you see where I dropped my pint, Rik? I can't find it."

"I don't care about your ruddy pint. Where are we?" Rik Mayall, who apparently was indeed the new Doctor, stood up and brushed himself off, glancing around apprehensively. Just a second ago he had been down the pub in Devon, reminiscing over old times with Ade Edmondson, his marriage spouse in the world of light entertainment. It was this blonde, bespectacled chap that now emerged from the TARDIS, blinking owlishly.

"Obviously we're on a film set ready for our latest show…" He muttered, trying to remember if he had signed any contracts recently. "Oh bloody hell!" He suddenly gasped, lunging forwards and grabbing Rik by the arm. "What's that?"

Rik followed the pointing finger of his friend, squinting off into the distance. A metal thing with what appeared to be a sink plunger and an oversized egg whisk in the place of arms was trundling ponderously towards them over the horizon. But there was no time to worry about that now… there were opening credits starting!

"Is this one of ours, Ade? I hope it's The Bill, I was bloody great in that."

They stood back politely to allow the opening credits to fill the screen. The credits consisted of a space-type view, complete with a swirling nebulous thing going on in the middle.

"Ooo-ooo-ooo-oo-oo-oo..." The theme tune sang.

"Hey look, it's that blue box… the Turdis!" Ade exclaimed as that very contraption zoomed across the screen into an expensive-looking CGI void. "These are bloody good credits."

"Not as good as the Young Ones opening," Rik sniffed haughtily. "They were brilliant because I sang a bit of them. No one could sing… Russel T. Davies? Do we know him?"

His companion shrugged. "I think maybe we won a bet with him once."

"Oh yeah, of course, I'd forgotten about that. Oh boring, there's none of our great showbiz mates in this."

"Hold you horses matey, there's my name! Look! Right there – 'Adrian Edmondson'."

"You're bloody right you know. And there's my name! Quick, pass me the tissues."

Ade took a startled jerky step sideways away from his partner in prime-time, pulling a face that conveyed shock, mild disgust and a vague resemblance to a goldfish. "There's no time for that now…"

"How come your name came up before mine? Everyone knows I'm better than you…" Rik cringed suddenly and glanced to the other man. "I mean, of course your name came up first, great mate who is more talented than me." When he was sure the man was no longer looking, he flicked defiant V's at his back.

"Well, that's the opening credits over, I suppose we had better do something if we want to get paid."

"Paid? You mean you actually get paid?"

"…No."

"That's okay then." The founder of alternative comedy edged into the shade afforded by some trees and pulled his best moody face, hoping the lighting made him look sexy enough. "That thing's still coming towards us."

"It looks quite cute. C'mere little robot thing, c'mon! Aww Rik, look at its cute little ears! Maybe it's a stage hand…"

"Exterminate!" The 'stage hand' with the cute little ears screeched, pointing the arm that looked like an egg whisk towards them and firing a fearsome looking line of blue light. It only just missed the intrepid duo, hitting the tree Rik was standing under instead and instantly dissolving it.

"Cor lummy! No one said anything like this would happen!"

"No one said anything about anything happening… Quick, we'll hide in the Turdis!"