Final Fantasy 9 – Engulfed in Stupidity
Chapter 3 – Zidane did it!
The white-robed stranger gets down from the roof of Prima Vista and goes inside. Zidane quickly follows.
The stranger crashes into Ruby.
Ruby: What in tarnation are you doing?
White-robed Stranger: Can you let me by please?
Ruby: Fine, but don't run. I just waxed the floor, making it all purty.
Stranger: Thank you. (Walks on)
Zidane: Ruby, did you happen to see a pretty girl go by here?
Ruby: No, I don't reckon I haven't. Wait, you not calling me purty?
Zidane: Of course you're pretty Ruby. Got to go!
Zidane tries to run away but slips and fall.
Ruby: Now where do you think you're going? (Cracks knuckles)
Zidane: Uh-oh.
Back on stage…
Cinna: Crap. How did this happen…?
Zombie Leo: Brains…
Zombie Marcus: Delicious brains…
Cinna: How did you guys become zombies? Alright, drastic times call for drastic measures! (pulls out shotgun) Have at thee!
Inside…
Zidane is limping with a black eye, casts, and arm stands.
Zidane: Ow, Ruby is so NOT a black belt in martial arts.
Zidane somehow catches up.
Zidane: Wow that was easy. Ok, you're coming with me.
White-robed Stranger: Nooo! I'm not going back there! You'll never take me alive! (Pulls out 2 SMG's and points them at Zidane)
Zidane: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa hold up there! We're here to, uh, kidnap you princess.
The stranger drops her hood. She is a beautiful young woman.
White-robed Stranger: Then you should know who I am.
Zidane looks at his hand, two stick figures are drawn. One is labeled Zidane, and the other Garnet, who is inside a cage labeled "Pet." He nods.
Zidane: Princess Garnet.
Garnet: Yes. My horrible mother keeps me locked away in the castle tower, and there, I can only watch as the city grows. I want to travel to the ends of the world and be free, like you guys.
Zidane looks down. Erases the word "Pet" on the cage and replaces it with "Friend." Who is in a cage?
Zidane: Ok. We humbly kidnap you, Princess Garnet.
Garnet: Thank you.
A door opens, with Cinna on the other side. His body is all bloody.
Zidane screams like a little girl.
Garnet: Cool.
Cinna: Hey Zidane, looks like you got the package. Baka should be doing his resurrection scene any second now and be fighting against Marcus. Let's hurry and get this ship moving. Quick, into the backroom.
In the backroom…
Garnet: There's nothing in here.
Cinna: Watch. Open Sesame!
A secret door opens in the empty corner.
Cinna takes a drink from the hidden fridge and sips it.
Cinna: Ah. This secret refrigerator rocks.
Zidane: Cinna! Get us out of here!
Cinna: Oh, why didn't you say so? Kamikazi!
Self-Destruct System Initiated! This ship will blow in T-10 seconds.
Zidane: Why did you do that Cinna!?
Cinna: Because I never get to do that.
Zidane: You've doomed us all!
…
Garnet: So, how's the weather?
On the other side of the ship…five minutes ago…
Steiner: I have to save the Princess…
Knight of Pluto: Sir! I will help you!
Steiner: Thank you knight, now get up here!
The two charge into the back of the ship.
Steiner: There's no one here. But just to make sure, we should have a clear search.
Knight of Pluto: In here sir! I heard a noise!
Steiner and the knight charge into a room.
Steiner: There's nothing in here.
The knight kicks Steiner in the crotch and knocks him out. He takes off his helmet. It's Blank.
Blank: I have to hide you someplace safe.
Blank stuffs Steiner into a closet.
Blank: There.
Self-Destruct System Initiated! This ship will blow in T-10 seconds.
Blank: Oh man. Cinna's done it this time.
Sections of the ship started to explode.
Baka charges into the ship.
Baka: What's going on!?
Blank: Cinna initiated the self-destruct system.
Baka: We can't take out Alexandria, they paid me good money! Deport!
The theater ship begins to exit Alexandria.
Brahne: Oh no they don't! Ready the cannons! I am not entertained, so I wish to see fireworks tonight.
Cannons start to fire at the ship.
Meanwhile…
Puck: Ready slave?
Vivi: I'm not sure about this.
Puck: Come on, you want a better view of the show right?
Vivi: Yes…
Puck: Alright than. FIRE! (BOOM)
Puck fires Vivi from a cannon onto the Prima Vista.
Puck: Have fun!
Vivi lands on the Prima Vista.
Vivi: Thanks!
Inside…
Cinna: We're going to crash!
Blank: And it's all your fault!
Cinna: Like I care. (continues to drink his soda)
Baka: Brace yourselves!
The ship lands into a forest. Which burns the forest and causes a wild fire to destroy all the trees in the area in approximately 1 second.
…
Baka: Is everyone alright?
Zidane: Yea, I'm ok.
Blank: Could be worse.
Cinna: No! NO! THE PRIMA VISTA! It's…it's…ruined!
Zidane: Come on. Nothing we can't fix.
Cinna looks around at the burning ship. Several pieces of burning wood fall.
…
Cinna sighed.
Cinna: Everyone, start salvaging, we need to set up camp before we can get out of this forest.
Blank: Hey, where's the princess?
Zidane: Oh, her? Yeah, she fell overboard at the last second.
Baka: Well, she's probably dead by now. We need to repair the ship and head out.
Zidane: But I want to save her.
Baka: Forget it!
Zidane: (…)
Baka: Now help us salvage out everything we can. I don't want to be stuck with Cinna's bean dip surprise for the next few weeks.
Cinna: Oh come on, it isn't that bad.
Blank: I went to camp with you for three days. Two out of those three days, you farted every moment during the night.
Cinna: No one needs to know about that.
Blank: Come on, let's go gather up what we can.
Baka comes out of the ship with Marcus's body and throws it at Zidane, who gets knocked to the ground.
Baka: Wake him up and get him to make us camp.
Zidane: Will do!
Zidane begins to slap Marcus.
Nothing.
Zidane pours water on Marcus.
Nothing.
Zidane begins to…
Marcus: Huh, what…?
Zidane: Oh hey Marcus.
Marcus: Zidane!
Zidane: What?
Marcus: Why are you burying me!
Zidane: Because I wanted to give you a nice resting place.
Marcus: But why are you burying me with my head sticking out?
Zidane: Oh, I was going to shove your entire body deeper down the hole. You aren't at the bottom yet, so I was going to shove your body down the hole until I can't see you no mores.
Marcus: Well I'm still alive, smartass. Now get me out of here!
Zidane: Fine.
Meanwhile…
Vivi: Where am I?
Cinna: Whoa, it's a talking mushroom.
Vivi: I'm not a mushroom! I'm just a kid!
Cinna: Oh, so you're a talking sapling.
Vivi: What? You're blind and deaf mister.
Cinna: Hey, you don't have any food on you do you?
Vivi: No, why?
Cinna: Well…I'm lost, and hungry.
Cinna looks at Vivi. Vivi is hallucinated to be a hotdog.
Vivi: What are you looking at?
Cinna: Dinner.
Vivi's hands turn fiery.
Vivi: Back off.
Cinna: Ok than.
…
Cinna: Not even a small bite?
Vivi blasts Cinna with a fire spell, setting him on fire.
Vivi: Go burn in .
To be continued…
Marcus: Man, I'm tired.
Marcus goes into his room, and opens his closet to get some clothes.
Steiner falls down, leaning on Marcus.
Marcus: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Copyright to Final Fantasy, as always. Feel free to comment.