Final Fantasy 9 – Engulfed in Stupidity
Chapter 4 – Food Fight
Somewhere randomly in the forest…
Cinna: I'm telling you, we're lost.
Zidane: We're not lost!
Cinna: Than why can't we get back to the ship?
Zidane: Because SOMEONE crash-landed it.
Cinna: That has nothing to do with this Zidane!
Zidane: Yeah, sure, if you didn't crash-land the Prima Vista, we wouldn't be out in the woods hunting down animals for food!
Cinna: Hey, it's that or cannibalism.
Zidane: Well, we can always eat that knight.
…
Back at the campsite…
…
Steiner: For the last time, get me down from here!
Steiner is rotating above a hot fire on a rotating stick. Blank yawns as he turns the handle.
Blank: No can do. Zidane and Cinna have been lost in the woods for hours and we can't depend on them to return with food.
Steiner: But cannibalism isn't sane!
Blank: It is in my book.
Baka: Is the main course ready?
Blank: Nope, not yet. A little bit longer and he should be ready.
Steiner: Can I have something to eat before I die?
Blank: Should we?
Baka: Fine. Pick your plate.
Steiner: Give me that plant over there.
Baka: (Shoves it into Steiner's mouth) Eat up. More nutrition for us.
Steiner: (Swallows) Ha! That plant is poisonous. Now if you eat me, you all die!
Baka: But you die too you know…
Steiner: Just hurry up and eat me damn it!
Baka: Know what? I'm not hungry anymore…
Blank: Me neither…
Steiner: (Turns purple)
…
Somewhere randomly in the woods…
Zidane: We, are, lost.
Cinna: NOW YOU ADMIT IT!
Zidane: Well, earlier, we weren't. Now we are.
Cinna: What are we going to do now you buffoon?
Zidane: I'm going to ask for directions.
Cinna: From what?
Zidane: From…that. (Points to Vivi)
Vivi: Hm?
Cinna: Crap, it's the talking sapling! FOOD! (Jumps at Vivi)
Vivi: Fire! (Blasts Cinna)
Cinna: Ha, I have fire resistance. That didn't hurt me at all.
Vivi: Oh yea? (Kicks Cinna in shin)
Cinna: Ah! You little brat!
Vivi: Loser. (Runs off)
Cinna: Come here you little…
Zidane: Cinna! Wait!
The two of them chase after the mage. Somehow, they get back to camp.
Blank: Cinna! Zidane! Did you get the food?
Cinna: No. But we were chasing after a talking mushroom a second ago.
Blank: Well, we don't have any food. The stupid knight ate some poisoned sleeping weed and now we can't eat him.
Steiner: Ugh…so…dizzy…
Baka: Zidane! I know how you wanted to find the princess. Go out and bring her back to camp!
Zidane: What? You're going to eat her?
Baka: Well, you're going out there, and you're either coming back with an animal or a girl on your shoulder.
Blank: Besides, we'd eat you first if you screw up.
Baka: Now get going! We'll give you the knight to help.
Steiner: Where…am…I?
Zidane: Screw it, I'm going by myself. (Leaves)
Baka: Ok, so who wants to eat Cinna?
…
Randomly in the forest…
Zidane: Damn, this forest is big. And I'm starting to get hungry…
Moogle: Kupo! Do you want to save your memory?
Zidane: (…) Hungry.
Moogle: I don't have any food on me! Kupo.
Zidane: (Stares) Then why do you have cookie crumbs on your mouth?
Moogle: Kupo! That was from…when I fell in the mud.
Zidane: (Pulls out dagger) Give me some cookies before I decide to taste that little ball that comes out of your head.
Moogle: Kupo! (Runs away)
Zidane: Fast food eh? Come back! (Chases)
The moogle jumps into a hole in a tree.
Zidane: Well, that's just great. I can solve this! Fire in the hole! (Throws grenade into the hole)
BOOM! The moogle comes flying out. Zidane picks it up by its wings.
Zidane: Give me the damn cookies.
Moogle: (Pulls cookies out of pocket) There! Happy Kupo? Let me go! (Struggles free) Stupid. (Flies away)
Zidane: (Eats cookies) See you later! Hey wait, I have to bring back food for everyone else. COME BACK YOU STUPID MOOGLE!
Zidane runs into the forest and heads into a random clearing. He finds Garnet lying on the ground.
Zidane: FOOD! I mean hot babe!
Zidane runs toward Garnet, but a huge plant beast sprouts from the ground and stares at Zidane with its…103 teeth?
Zidane: Oh great, I have to beat you to get to her? This is stupid. Can't anyone make my life easier?
Blank: I can.
Zidane: Hey Blank, did you come to save me?
Blank: No, I came to see you get eaten.
The plant monster lets out a huge roar and stares at Zidane.
Zidane: (Pulls out beefsteak and tosses it to Blank) Fetch.
The plant monster eats Blank and the beefsteak.
Zidane: (Runs past monster and picks up Garnet) Come here gorgeous.
The plant monster turns around and roars. Huge vines come out of the ground.
Zidane: CRAP!
Zidane runs away, carrying Garnet in his hands, all the way back to camp.
Baka: You got the food! Put her on the fire and she'll roast up just fine.
Zidane: We have other problems at the moment.
Big vines start to break down the forest.
Baka: Another reason why we should put her on the fire and let her cook so that we can die with a full stomach!
Zidane: Screw you. (Runs off with Garnet)
Baka: No! Wait! Come back with our food! Cinna ate poisonous plants too and now we can't eat him!
Zidane: (Far away) Sucks to be you!
Zidane runs out of the forest with Garnet in his arms as the forest behind him gets ensnared by green vines.
Zidane: Whoa, that was close. I hope some of the creatures made it out. I'm hungry now. (Looks over to right)
The same moogle from before is flying around.
Zidane: Food…