Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to SVU. Nor do I own the song. [Natasha Bedingfield – Soulmate
Alright, oh deary everyone. I am so so so so sorry for not updating in 2 weeks! I've been having some serious family issues recently and I just haven't had the will to write because of how draining it's been. I really am so sorry because I know there are a few people who are really looking out for this story.
Also, I just wanna thank everyone who corrected my mistakes. I kinda get excited when I finish a chapter because I wanna post it immediately and I forget to proof it.
This chapter and last chapter have been especially hard because I'm sitting here, headphones on, listening to the song over and over again. I kinda mess myself up that way. And I hate that when I listen to the radio, I hear more songs that relate to this show and situation, but I am only doing this chapter and the last chapter as songs.
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I need to get out of my house. I need to go back to my home in Manhattan, and I need my old friends. Honestly, here I am, taking a bubble bath, completely alone and miserable. Between being a teacher here, and trying to have a personal life, is pretty damn rough on me. I take too many bubble baths anyway, but I need them. I need my relaxation time and my music… but I drift into my own world a lot…
Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find
Relationships and I don't work.
I've realized that, and not just now, but when I was at SVU I never had much luck with relationships. I've dated my fair share of men, but not once have I ever felt that connection, like I've felt with a woman. Dating women is a completely different and I guess I could say somewhat erotic. I say erotic because dating the same sex; they tend to already know what makes a girl weak in the knees, and what makes her heart flutter. No man has ever made my heart flutter…
Is it possible Mr/Miss Loveable?
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise
I know what love is. I never thought I could but I do. I once dated a girl named Serena Southerlyn, which many people know as an ADA also… She was too much of a hot head for me. Serena had a different way to handle almost everything, and I couldn't handle all the weird stuff that she did and how she was always so aggressive. I will tell you though, she is my best friend now; well was when I was still alive.
I really miss Serena, and not just as an ex lover, but because I was able to tell her pretty much anything in my life. She's the only one who knew about my crush back then. That silly little crush…
Who doesn't long for someone to hold?
Who knows how to love you without being told?
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
That silly little crush nearly destroyed my heart. I compare everyone to her. Are they strong like her? Are they powerful and influential like her? Do they have a past like her? Do they know me like she did? Do they take the time to offer me help constantly and then act caring to me?
She was an amazing woman, but I'm sure if I ever return, she found someone special for her. She didn't even know about my feelings for her so how am I even supposed to begin to think that she's saving herself for me? I don't even know if she's gay for Christ's sake. So why am I doing this to myself? I think it's because it's the last bit of hope I have to hold on to. I think that it makes me believe, even for a split second, that I could be happy again. Maybe I really am just fooling myself, but I know that I love that woman and I know that I need to go back one day…
Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit?
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line
I can't date men anymore. I'm scared to death of men because of the rape that happened. I feel safer with women anyway, which is weird because people portray women to be weak minded and not strong. On the contrary, I see a woman as being fierce, loving, passionate, and very strong minded. I don't need a woman who is strong and can beat the crap out of everything because I'm capable of doing that. I need a woman who is willing to put up with my nonsense, and who's willing to deal with a strong spoken, stubborn yet loving woman. I keep going in circles, I know. I thought when I was with Serena, she was the one for me; now I laugh about that thought. I think being with her just made us even closer and I don't think I could ever see us ever being a couple again. I don't think she'll ever forgive me when she finds out I'm still alive.
If there's a soulmate for everyone
Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one
All my relationships have never worked. They've never really been real for me. I didn't feel that I was going to spend the rest of my life with any of my past relationships. With Serena, I made myself believe that just because I wanted to get the whole meeting new people and dating scene over with. I think that woman screwed me up in the head, but I'm glad she did because she reprogrammed my mind and my heart to never fall for her type again. We laugh about it all of the time, but when love is brought up between us, she always brings up Olivia. She hassled me to tell her for months, but I never was able to. She said Olivia had to be gay and that she could easily tell so I had to jump on that. Serena telling me that Olivia could be gay was the highlight of that night, and it gave me a little bit of hope. But I never told her, and I regret it completely.
Who doesn't long for someone to hold?
Who knows how to love you without being told?
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
I need to go back home to see her and to tell her my true feelings. If I don't, I'm always going to regret it. She could be the love of my life, and here I am, sitting in Wisconsin, knowing that Velez was killed, just wasting my life away, alone. I'm going back, and after my bath I'm going to start packing and I'll tell Hammond I'm going back. But I of course have to tell him not to contact anyway back in Manhattan because this will be a surprise…