I know – I'm sorry for the lack of quick updates. Work has me running around like a broken record. This chapter is a tad longer then most – making up for lost time. Hope it's worth the wait….

Ok…this chapter is going to get a bit more…uh…mature. I forgot what rating I put on this story but I'm giving this particular chapter a mature rating. So anyone under 18 reading this – Shame on you! There…I've said it – now I don't feel guilty.

I don't own anything.

Chapter 18

She loves me…was all Olivia could hear in her head. Still kneeling in front of Brady, all she could do is stare. Sighing, Brady stood up slowly and wandered over to the side of Mack's bed and watched her sleep knowing full well that it was anything but peaceful. Brady gently brushed away thick brown hair that seemed to forever fall into Mack's eyes. She smiled gently remembering how Mack would desperately shove her hair back and complain for the hundredth time that she was going to get that haircut but was never able to get the time to it.

Olivia straightened herself up and watched the way Brady fussed over Mack. Her heart ached. She wanted to be apart of that little bubble – that family. Walking over to stand behind Brady, Liv wrapped her arms around the smaller woman. She felt Brady stiffen then relax as the warmth of Liv's embrace engulfed her. Brady leaned her head against Olivia's shoulder and closed her eyes as she placed her hands over Liv's and gently caressed them.

"I do love you Olivia. Regardless of what you can or can't tell me," she said softly. Olivia rested her chin on top of Brady's head and sighed. Making a decision, Liv turned Brady around and cupped her face and brushed her lips with her thumb. Taking a deep breath, Liv spoke quietly.

"You humble me, you know that? Never in my entire life has anyone made me feel the way you do and it scares me." Closing her eyes, Liv took a moment to get her emotions together. When she had them under control she opened her eyes and kissed the tip of Brady's nose, which made the small woman smile. Olivia's hands moved to Brady's neck and drew her closer. She rested her forehead against Brady's.

"I want to say those words back to you. God…I want to so bad. But I can't," she started to say but seeing the look on Brady's face, Olivia quickly added, "…yet." Quickly kissing Brady on the lips, Olivia continued.

"I want to tell you everything. But I can't discuss certain parts of…me. You need to understand, it eats me inside not being able to tell you what I know. Maybe in time…I don't know. That's why I can't tell you that I…I…" frustrated Olivia looked away and took a deep breath. She felt Brady's arms circle her waist and she gazed down at the woman and smiled apologetically. Olivia tried again.

"I want to say those words to you when I there isn't anything between us. But I do care for you…deeply." Olivia looked into those beautiful eyes and prayed that she would understand. Brady rubbed Liv's back and rested her head on her chest. Again, she heard the strong beat of Olivia's heart. Pulling out of Olivia's arms, Brady took a step back and held on to her hands instead.

"Liv, I meant it. Whatever you can share with me I'll take." With that, Brady reached up and pulled Liv down for a tender kiss. When the kiss ended, Olivia still had her eyes closed but had a cute look on her face that Brady couldn't help but kiss the dark haired woman gain. This time the kiss lasted a little longer. It would have gone deeper, but a knock on the door ruined any chance of that happening. Grunting her irritation, Liv flopped back down into the seat and pouted. Brady smiled and shook her head at the sight.

Both women turned when the door opened and in came a friendly nurse carrying a sleeping Alex. Olivia jumped up and took him from her.

"Thanks. For a small guy, he sure is heavy," and with that the nurse smiled and left quietly. Brady gently placed her hand on Alex's head then kissed it while Liv rocked him back and forth. Both women looked up and smiled at each other.

"We'll talk more when we get home," Brady said as she guided Olivia to the chair. Sitting next to her, Brady lovingly played with the ends of Liv's hair as she watched the woman and child. How she longed to have child of her own, Brady thought sadly.

Home thought Liv. She didn't realize how good it felt to hear that word especially from Brady. Leaning back into Brady's hand, Liv closed her eyes and inhaled Brady's scent. It was a smell she would remember forever.

Two hours had past and it had gotten fairly dark outside. Both woman and Alex had fallen asleep when a light knock on the door woke the two women. Dr. Kent walked quietly into the room and checked on Mack and scribbled a few notes in her chart. Looking at the two tired women, Dr. Kent smiled warmly at them.

"You three need to get out of here. Get some sleep." Seeing Olivia about to protest, Dr. Kent held up a hand.

"You'll be no use to Mack if you aren't taking care of yourselves. You can always come back tomorrow. Mack is getting better. You'll be the first to know if something happens. Now get outta here." He watched as Liv and Brady looked at each other then got up and placed a kiss on Mack's forehead with a whispered promise of seeing her tomorrow. With that the three of them made there way to the door. Looking back at Mack, Dr. Kent whispered to his sleeping patient.

"Whatever it is, it's not worth fighting alone. The love you very much," he gently fixed the sheets around Mack and checked the machines once more then left. As the door quietly shut, Mack's eye's slightly fluttered open….

Back home, Olivia was just finishing up tucking in Alex in the spare room of Brady's condo. She kissed him goodnight just as Brady came in with a small teddy bear for the boy. Tucking it under his arm Brady took Liv's hand and quietly led her to the couch. They sat there quietly soaking in all of the events of the day when Brady spoke first.

"I'll have to call the centre and let them know that Alex will be staying here for a few days." Olivia nodded. Rubbing her hands on her thighs, Liv let out a nervous sigh. Looking at her, Brady smiled shyly and then looked quickly away. God…this is harder then I thought it would be…thought Olivia.

"So…what's with Melody and Mack?" Olivia was surprised when Mack had requested to be dropped off at Melody's place. Glancing at Brady, Liv saw that Brady had made a face and rolled her eyes, which made Liv chuckle.

"God…nothing I hope. They were a couple, and I'm using that word very loosely, for a time. This was years ago. Then Mack got into some trouble – I know she's covering for Mel, but I just don't know what or why. Mel's…ok I guess. But I just don't think she's right for Mack."

"I take it you're not to fond of Melody," Liv said with a bit of a smile. Looking over at Olivia, Brady smiled sheepishly. She knew she sounded terrible, talking about Melody like that, but the girl did get on her nerves.

"To be honest – no, I'm not too fond of her." Olivia just stared at the woman beside her. Slowly, she reached out and placed a warm hand on Brady's. Picking it up, she placed a kiss on Brady's palm and scooted closer over.

"Is it because she has Mack covering for her? Or is there something more?"

"Well other then the fact that she can drive a brick wall batty, there's something about her that I just don't trust. Like she's hiding something. Call it mother's intuition, I suppose."

"Have you asked Mackenzie about it?"

Nodding, Brady replied, "It's like asking a stone statue to stand on its head. It's impossible to get anything out of her when she gets into one of her moods." Smiling at that mental image, Olivia sat quietly. No time like the present…Olivia thought.

"I'm a detective…well I was a detective." Olivia stumbled over her words. She was nervous. Sitting back slightly, Brady looked intently at the taller woman.

"Were?" came the quiet question.

Inhaling deeply, Olivia nodded. Swallowing her fear, Liv continued, "I was up until about a month ago."

"What happened?"

This would be the first time she had spoken to anyone about that case out side of work. Her hands started to shake just thinking about it.

"There was a case a few months ago-the Woodsman. I was the one working that case." Liv's voice trembled a little. Brady reached out and rested her hand on Olivia's thigh.

"I heard about that in the news. That was hard to listen to. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you." Olivia just nodded and gave Brady a sad smile.

"We were neck deep in cases when this one dropped into our laps. There were two bodies in Central Park. They were so deep in the bushes that my partner and I had a hell of a time finding the scene. We get there and we figured it was another crazy in New York City. This time though, this FBI agent - profiler comes out of nowhere and tells my partner and I that it's the work of a serial rapist known as the Woodsman. It was the first I'd heard of it." Taking a breath she stared at a spot on the carpet, trying not to fall deep into that hole that was always lurking when she thought of this case. Brady, sensing that Olivia was fighting an inner battle gave Liv's thigh a gentle squeeze letting her know she wasn't alone.

"Anyways, this FBI agent, really she was just a kid, walked around like a little miss know it all. Drove everyone nuts. My self included. She kept stepping on everyone's toes. I knew there was something she was hiding from the rest of us but I couldn't put a finger on it. We ended up at the suspects' apartment and I found out that she and I weren't so different after all. She was raised in a group home. Didn't have anyone. Neither did I. She asked me if work was my family and I said yes. I said it so many times in the past that I actually started to believe it." There were tears forming in Olivia's eyes. It hurt too much that she didn't bother wiping them away. Brady felt helpless. The only thing she could do was wrap her arms around Olivia's waist and gave her as much comfort as she could.

Brady whispered, "We don't have to do this Liv. If it hurts to much, you can stop." Burying her head in the crook of Olivia's neck, she felt Olivia shack her head. Lifting her head Brady looked at Liv and asked softly, "You sure?" Again, Liv just nodded. Leaning in, Brady kissed Olivia's cheek.

"We found out that it was Lauren, she's the agent that sent an email to police about the whereabouts of the bodies. I felt so betrayed. She had killed the guy and set it up to look like your regular murder. If we hadn't found the killer's torture room, we never would have gotten to the last victim in time. The woman ended up dieing in the hospital. She had the nerve to justify what she did! And a woman died because of it!" Olivia clenched and unclenched her fists. She still couldn't believe what Lauren had done.

Brady just held her and listened. Olivia was grateful for that and kept on with the story.

"We found a connection between the Woodsman and Lauren. Apparently her mentor had killed himself a few years before because of this case. Lauren was doing this out of revenge for him. She knew there was no way she could get out of the mess she was in. She was going to go to prison and she knew we were after her. My partner and I went to Lauren's apartment and we tried to talk to her. We saw the gun and her badge on the table. She kept going on about why she had to do it. I tried to talk her out of doing anything stupid. And for a second, I thought I got through to her."

"Olivia, you don't have to finish. It's alright," Brady said softly. She wanted to sooth away Liv's pain, but wasn't sure how. Shaking her head Liv mumbled, "I have too." Nodding, Brady fell silent once more but held on to Olivia a little tighter. It took a moment for Liv to regain some of her composure.

"I was about 4 maybe 3 feet away from her. I was so close. Then she looked me directly in the eye and said, 'Those who fight monsters should take care that they never become one.' Then she pulled out another gun and pointed to her head…she just pulled it. She pulled the trigger. I just remember screaming. I was so close…why didn't I see it? I could have stopped her..." the last of Olivia's composure crumbled but Brady was there to catch her. Liv wept softly in her arms.

"Liv…you did everything you could…" Brady started to say but the shake of Olivia's head stopped her from going further.

"Did I? I saw myself in her. I could have been her…"

"But you're not. You're nothing like her Liv. Don't you see? You would have taken responsibility for your actions. She didn't…she ran from it. That's the difference between you and her. You wouldn't run." Brady prayed that she got through to her tough detective. Olivia ran her hands through her hair in frustration. She wanted to believe that she was nothing like Laura. But a nagging fear kept at her. What if I'm more like my father? Feeling nauseated, Liv got up and wandered to the balcony and stared out the window.

Brady stood but didn't go to Liv yet. She knew Olivia need some space to get things sorted out in her head. But Brady was ready if Liv needed her.

"We're not so different from the perps we're after. The only difference is, is that we have a badge to hide behind," Liv said quietly as she hung her head.

"You are nothing like them," replied Brady firmly. She went to Olivia and wrapped her arms tight around the taller woman so she wouldn't be able to escape what she had to say.

"Look at me." Brady gave Olivia a little shake. She waited until brown eyes met her own before she continued.

"We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are. You protect those around you…complete strangers. That's who you are. You are Olivia Benson, the woman I'm deeply in love with. I would never be involved with someone that was a monster…never." Brady tightly hugged Olivia. She prayed that she had gotten through to her. Liv held tightly onto Brady as if she were her only lifeline. They stood like that for endless minutes before Brady looked up at Liv. Suddenly the atmosphere changed. Gone was the calm, soothing air only to be replaced by anticipation of what was to come.

Slowly lowering her head, Olivia lightly pressed her lips against Brady's and heard her make a sound that was close to moan and a sigh. Brady reached up and pulled down Olivia's head more for better access to her lips. Olivia was only too happy to obey and she herself moaned into Brady's mouth loving the feel of Brady's tongue brushing against her own. Olivia felt Brady's hands move to the hem of her shirt. Seconds later she felt her hands caressing her torso. Olivia's muscles contracted every time Brady's fingers brushed over them.

Olivia's hands were also busy. Brady felt the back of her shirt being lifted slowly then she felt warm hands roaming her back. Brady arched her back and moaned into Liv's mouth. Olivia's hands moved their way up until she felt the clasp of Brady's bra. Smiling as she kissed the shorter woman, Liv unhooked it and broke the kiss. Watching the look on her face with a ghost of a smile, Olivia ever so slowly barely touching Brady, moved her fingers in a soft caress until her palms were filled with Brady's breasts and she gently flexed her fingers. Brady gave a gasp then her eyes fluttered shut as a warm sensation washed over her. Olivia lowered her head once more and kissing the side of Brady's neck at the same time lovingly messaging Brady's breasts.

Brady's hands made their way up into Olivia's hair and held her in place. After what seemed like forever, Brady gave a little tug and Liv raised her head. Olivia and Brady were breathing hard by this point. Both flushed with excitement, Brady breathlessly pointed to her room and said in a ragged voice,

"Bed…now." Without waiting for a reply, she gave a little impatient shove to Liv. Smiling roguishly, Olivia swooped in for a quick kiss only to laugh at the frustrated sound Brady made. Brady grabbed a fist full of Olivia's shirt and dragged her to the room with Liv laughing at her. Once their Brady pushed the door closed and shoved Liv onto the bed. Olivia rested on her elbows as she watched Brady climb on top of her.

"You know, you're really sexy when you're bossy…"Olivia said before being pushed down. Straddling Olivia's hips, Brady just smiled and leaned down and kissed Liv while her hands roamed freely, wherever she wanted to touch. Moaning, Liv's wanted to touch Brady but the other woman would have it. Taking Liv's hands, Brady placed them over her head while she slid her body down the length of Olivia's, causing wonderful friction. All Olivia could do was moan and let Brady have her way.

Brady's lips began a trail down Liv's cheek, then to her chin then kept on going down to her neck. Liv granted access and Brady took advantage licking and giving a little nip now and then. Olivia was helpless against the attention she was getting from Brady. She felt Brady's hands drift lower until Liv felt a rush of air across her torso when she realized Brady had hiked up her shirt. Olivia struggled to sit up causing Brady to move closer and both women tore at the cumbersome fabric. Once the shirt was off, all that was left of Olivia's attire was her blue jeans and bra although Brady made quick work of that. Olivia lay there with nothing but a smile on her face as Brady soaked in every feature of her body.

"You know, I'm feeling very out of place here," Liv said roughly as she tucked her hands behind her head. She had a mischievous smile on her face as she stared at Brady. She reached out with one hand and played with the ends of Brady's shirt.

"Oh dear. We can't have that now, can we?" Still straddling Olivia's hips, Brady moved ever so slightly causing light friction over Liv's softness. This made Liv shudder and she shut her eyes as a wave of sensation drifted over her. She moaned out loud.

"Shhh! You'll wake up Alex," Brady whispered as she covered Olivia's mouth with her hand. Liv tugged at Brady's cloths and pushed her hand away.

"Take these off…hurry…" Olivia impatiently begged. Without waiting for a reply, Liv grabbed the hem of Brady's shirt and tore it off her. Since Olivia had already hooked Brady's bra a few minutes before there was nothing between Liv's mouth and Brady's chest. Taking advantage of their position, Olivia hungrily closed her mouth over a nipple making Brady gasp. Olivia's hand moved there way down to Brady's pants and undid the button and was reaching for the zipper when Brady's hand stopped her.

"Brady?"

Without saying a word, Brady climbed off of Liv and the bed and stood. Her gaze didn't leave Olivia's as she slowly unzipped her pants. Just as slowly, she let them slide down her legs. Olivia couldn't take her eyes off of Brady. Oh God…she is so beautiful…Liv thought. Swallowing hard, Olivia's eyes were glued to Brady's as she made her way back to the end of the bed. Smiling boldly, Brady climbed onto the bed and slowly crawled back to Olivia.

Olivia had lost all sense of speech. She was powerless as Brady once again straddled her. Slowly, Brady lowered her head and kissed Olivia until both women were gasping for air. Liv leaned back taking Brady with her kissing any part of her that she could reach.

It was over half an hour before Olivia and Brady collapsed onto the bed, both out of breath and flushed with sweat. Brady still with a hand on Olivia's nape began to play with the ends of her hair.

"Mmm…that was very nice," purred Brady. Olivia raised her head from her position on Brady's chest and smiled wickedly and made her way up Brady's body slowly.

"Just nice?" Olivia replied as she kissed Brady's neck. Brady sighed and granted access for Liv's lips.

"Well I did say it was very nice." Brady's hands wandered down Olivia's back and stopped at her butt and gently messaged her there. Brady smiled at the effect she was having on the dark beauty.

Growling and arching into Brady's hands, Olivia closed her eyes and bit her lower lip.

"Sweetheart, you're driving me crazy." Then lowered her head to thoroughly kiss Brady.

Giggling, Brady reached up and cupped Liv's cheeks. Sighing, both women broke the kiss and Brady settled into Olivia's arms. They were quiet for a moment. Both lost in there thoughts.

"We should do that again," said Liv quietly as she smiled in the darkness.

"Yeah. I liked it."

"Me too. So it's a date then?"

"Oh yeah." Brady turned her head so she was looking at Olivia and softly said, "I love you." Smiling, Olivia caressed Brady's cheek and placed a gently kiss on her lips.

"Ditto." Brady knew that Olivia couldn't say the words just yet. She also knew that it was the closest thing Liv had to offer and she accepted what ever Liv was willing to give.

"Goodnight Bradanna."

"Goodnight sweetheart." With that, Brady turned once more so her back was to Olivia's front. Liv reached out and laid an arm over the other woman's stomach. Within minutes, they were fast asleep.