Okay, so it's not a one-shot though it was supposed to be :-)
I can't help it. Plus I don't want Violence4 to do anything drastic! All the great comments were so encouraging so I'll carry on. Thanks xxx
There are some references to the Crimp Off episode. Hope you've watched it.
Disclaimer: Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding's. Don't forget series 3 comes out tomorrow - woohoo!! (I got it and one of the deleted scenes for Party is VERY interesting...think along the lines of my first story!)
Oh and there's a Muse quote (Time is Running Out) because it's appropriate and they're the only thing I love as much as The Mighty Boosh!
"I wanna break this spell that you've created"
We had an argument today.
Okay, I hear you. That's nothing new for us, is it really now? But this time it was because of something even more stupid than tarantula eggs in bananas or Lady Fame. At least on my part. Vince couldn't really understand why I was so annoyed with him. Can't blame him really.
I'm really starting to think there might be something seriously wrong with me. Which is strange because I always insist I'm perfect (I AM!). But he's taking over me. I know he is. All of me. Changing the way I think. The way I feel. Taking everything away that's me until all that's left is him. I can't bear it. He's so bloody oblivious, which is what gets to me the most, I suppose. So I focus on his flaws (I may have feelings for him, but I'm not that blind. He drives me crazy in more ways than one, as you know!). But the trouble is, all his flaws turn into something adorable when I'm thinking it in my head. His hair obsession becomes endearing. His flightiness balances us out until we're both complete. So I wrote a definitive list. Indelable and unchangable. Yes sir.
Okay, I know it's harsh, but I was (not) working in the empty shop and well...the mind wonders. I got so fed up of thinking brainlessly sweet thoughts about him that I decided I needed some anti-Vince therapy time. How dare he make me, Howard Moon into a moronic romantic! So this list just spilled out:
1. He cares about his hair waaay too much.
2. He follows all the flighty trends too much.
3. He cares about Top Shop (unnaturally) too much.
4. He doesn't care about my feelings too much.
Yep. That's all I could come up with. It's a sickness I tell ya. It's plain sick, this hold he has over me.
I was leaning on the green counter, chewing on my parker pen (from stationary village of course), probably with an annoyed look on my face, when Vince must have bobbed up behind me. God knows how long he lurked there, reading over my shoulder like a glitzy prowling puma (yes, he can read, it really is shocking!).
"That best not be about who I think it is, Howard!" He shouted, breath hot on my shoulder.
His voice was high and indignant, he almost made me fall off my stool as I grabbed the list and flew across the shop as far away from him as possible. Being close too Vince is dangerous territory nowadays. I especially don't let him touch me. Ever. So I panicked. Yes sir, I panicked big time.
And lied. I'm getting better at that nowadays too.
"It sure is little man, (damn, how did that affectionate nick name manage to spill out?) it's all the things I hate about Lance Dior! You know, that tit-box who copied you?" I gabbled without hesitation (tit-box? I really am insane!).
Vince frowned and for one terrible moment I thought he wasn't going to buy it. I hate arguing with him. I mean seriously arguing (not when we bicker. That's strangely fun!). It didn't even make any sense anyway. Why would I give of stuff about Lance not caring about my feelings? It's just plain illogical, but it's all I could come up with at the time (even geniuses have intelligence lapses...writers block if you will). I needn't have worried though.
"Yeah he was a right spanner. What a weirdo! Though I can't blame him for wanting to copy me!"
5. Vanity.
He smiled at me so warmly, a smile filled with such good humour that I instantly felt bad. I'm such a crap friend. I don't know why he likes me. I don't even like me (There. You happy? I said it! Those Chinese burns aren't for nothing, you know). I tried not to look at him too. It gives away too much. They say eyes are the windows to the soul, so I definately don't want Vince prowling around there for too long (even if they are the size of a crab's! He'll still see something.). It's always hard. He always looks so good...
"Why you doing that anyway?" uh-oh I thought at the time, he senses a hole in my logic, "I thought you two were best buds? Practically had to beg you not to hang out with him instead of me, didn't I?!" Then again, maybe not.
Okay he had a point there, but I'm surprised that even he couldn't remember how much I hated Lance. Especially after he rubbed Harold Boon in my face (my eyes ARE smaller. They are!).
Besides, I only pretended to consider his offer. I wanted Vince to tell me he needed me. Which he did (I'm SICK I told you!). But I couldn't very well say that, could I? So instead I settled for:
"Don't be so ridiculous Vince. As Naboo would say, I think he's a ball bag! Hence the list." Vince grinned at that, but still wouldn't drop it.
"I'm not being ridiculous! You aren't half fickle Howard!"
I'm the least fickle person ever, (you should know, if you're reading this. I'm deep.) so that rather annoyed me. He comes first with me. Always has. First, last and all the stages in between.
"I'm fickle?!" I practically shrieked, "You're the one who once dumped me for a cape, if I do remember correctly!"
"Well, yeah...It was a nice cape though wasn't it? All multi-coloured...gorgeous!" His face went all dreamy "But I did give it away to that tramp for you!" He cried triumphantly.
He got me there. That was quite a big deal in Vince terms. A huge gesture. I was willing to leave it there. I'd go and sit next to him behind the counter, maybe ask him why he so was late, to coax a funny anecdote from him for the book. Or possibly do a crimp. But then he said...
"Should've kept the cape!"
My jaw dropped.
"Should've chosen Lance!" I imitated instantly. I didn't mean it, of course. Vince has serious confidence issues when it comes to Lance and all things Flighty Zeus-y, so it was a cheap shot, even for me. Plus I knew he was only joking about the cape, but still it hurt no less. That wasn't his fault either. He doesn't know how I feel. I suppose that's what made me even madder.
"Oh no he didn't!" Vince cried, addressing an invisible audience dramatically, "Take it back!"
"No way sir. You take back the cape thing first." I was so annoyed that my phobia of being so close to Vince was temporarily forgotten. He leapt in front of the counter and I stood in front of him, practically nose to nose.
"I'm not taking it back. I'm leaving it out there for all to see! I loved my cape more than you!" He shouted, accidentally twisting the knife in, a mischievous grin on his face.
"I love syphilis more than you!" I shouted back. So not true. I realised this straight away, suddenly aware of how close we were. Aware of how wide his beautiful eyes were. Of the way his fluffy fringe casually fell in their path. I fought violently to not push it out of his eyes. Not to kiss those soft, full lips.
Vince gave me a vacant look, blissfully unaware.
"Nice comeback brain box. I don't even know what that means!"
"That's because you're an electro ponce with an IQ of a toddler!" A part of me hoped that using my mock angry name for him would cool us down. Like some kind of signal. But obviously Vince Noir is oblivious to all kinds of signals from me. I'd also unintentionally put my hands on the counter, either side of him and leaned forward, like I was trapping him between it and me. Uncomfortably close.
He must have noticed this finally, whilst racking his pretty brains for a comeback. So naturally he played the "Tease Howard" card.
"Oooh right here, right now Howard?" He asked suggestively, lashes batting, one tongue poised on his incisor flirtatiously, "In front of potential customers and all?"
Needless to say, I leapt back as if he were aflame, much to his amusement.
"Oh yeah! One-nil to Vince Noir, rock and roll star!" He laughed, the argument clearly was over for him. "Come on Howard, lets get some lunch yeah?"
I wanted to cry out in frustration. You have no idea how much I wanted to scoop him up in my arms and kiss him all over. Either that, or punch him one. Just to release these feelings somehow. But somehow I knew he'd appreciate neither. He was so infuriatingly blind to what he'd done to me. How much it literally hurts. There was nothing funny about his fake flirting at all. It would be spiteful if he'd done it on purpose. But it was just plain torture. Pure frustratrion. Which is probably why I threw the screwed up list at him, before rushing outside in a huff, to where it was safe.
Why can't he see what he does to me?
Hope you liked and it wasn't too depressing. xxx