This site is driving me crazy. Seriously. But I'm determined not to give up because of your kind reviews. But updating will take a lot longer than it used to.
I'm so annoyed with this, so this will probably be my last story :-(
But glad you're still enjoying!
Disclaimer: Belongs to Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding (who I'm sure we'll all stalk when the tour rolls round!)
Today's quote is randomly from Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn" (I heard it on my mate's Sing Star lol)
A/N: Yes I am going to change the perspective (not just Howard's thoughts). Know I shouldn't - sue me!
"Illusion never changed, into something real"
"But you can't...You just can't! Please Howard. Please don't do this."
I look away. His expression and tone are unbearable. I find I'm desperately trying not to cry, as is he. I can hear the pain throbbing in his voice and I can't take it.
I hate myself now more than ever.
"Please don't make this harder Vince. It's just something I have to do." I said, my voice sounded equally distraught as his was.
"Why?! You don't have to leave me Howard. You can't." He sounded shrill, desperate like a child. His voice broke on my name. I hated the way he kept saying it. It was so raw and full of emotion, as if merely saying it was going to change my mind.
It wouldn't. I couldn't let it. I had to be strong and do the right thing.
But how can I? How can I when he's the only thing that makes me so weak?
"I can't explain. I'm so sorry. It's just...I have to do some things Vince." I lied, frantically trying to staunch the pool of tears that were now gathering in his eyes. Those eyes. Usually filled with such happiness and light. I hated seeing them like this. I didn't want to take his light away. I hated to see them so wide and pleading.
We'd had conversations about this subject before of course. Whenever he'd leave me to temporarily join the latest band, or whenever I'd go off briefly to pursue an acting/writing/jazz career (I'm a man of many talents. Doesn't matter that none of them worked out. I'm an unappreciated genius in my own time...I am). But this was different. Even he could sense that. He could see the determination and sadness in my voice. He couldn't possibly fail to interpret this as seriousness. We weren't going to reunite after some wacky adventure concluded with a humorous plot twist. No. This time it was...Well, it felt more permanent.
Because it would be. That's what I told him later in the evening, when we finally had the flat to ourselves (Bollo and Naboo had gone off to some roller disco or something like that). I didn't want an audience. Needless to say, it was not going well. At first he didn't even believe me.
"Whatever Howard - your face! Don't be so dramatic! We both know you won't be long. Bring me some Twiglets when you get back yeah?"
I had to admit, that annoyed me. Rather a lot. He was laughing as he said it and all, unable to see it was taking everything out of me, just to tell him.
"No Vince. This time I'm serious. I'm going back to Leeds where I plan to stay - indefinitely."
All I got back from him was a blank look.
"That means 'forever'," I translated for him.
I suppose he finally started to believe me from that point on. That's when it got harder. Painful even. Like now.
"Look, whatever you have to go and do, we can do it together, like we always do." He cried at me, giving me a watery smile as if that would convince me. I suppose it always did. But I can't let it now.
"No. I need to do this alone Vince." I say, trying to turn away from him and that laser gaze.
"LOOK AT ME." He suddenly screamed, making me jump. He never looses it like this, so it's almost frightening, "Why can't you look at me anymore?" He shouts, looking furious, tears sliding down his cheeks.
He looks like he's in so much pain. I don't know what to do. What to say. I can't believe he's actually noticed.
"I don't know what you mean," I insisted, choking on my own words. It's terrible of me, but what else can I say? I know he deserves better than that. He deserves the truth. But how can I possibly tell him? I'm pretty certain he hates me now. That fact alone is what makes me cry the most.
I'm horrified as I see the last of despair in his eyes become replaced by complete anger. But to my surprise, what he says next is not a shout. It's cold and calm. That scares me even more.
"Fine, don't tell me then. See if I care."
He struggles to pull his coat on as he heads for the door, tears very likely obscuring his view.
"Vince?! Where you going?" Now I'm the one who's trying to stop him leaving, desperately. I grab for him, my own line of vision also impaired.
"Get off me," he cries, throwing my own words back at me as he shakes my hand off his shoulder violently.
"Have a nice life Howard." He sobs as he closes the door on me.
Closes that door on me forever.
"And-and then he-he goes - I'm leaving you," I find myself sobbing uncontrollably.
I don't even know where I am, who I'm talking to. I don't feel like myself anymore. It's like I'm outside of my own body, seeing this stranger stumble through the streets like a futuristic prostitute in despair.
That's what Howard calls me.
Oh Howard.
"Get away from me!"
Reluctantly, I back away from the very alarmed woman. I just wanted to tell someone. To have someone listen to me. Anyone. Normally I'd tell Howard if something's upset me. But clearly that's not possible. He's the one who's made me feel this way. I can't believe it.
I'm not so good with handling all this serious stuff, so someone has to help me suss things out. She looked like a really nice old woman and all, standing on that bus stop. She had that warm look about her, all kind and caring. The way a Granny's supposed to look (if she's not called Nanatoo that is) so I'd thought just maybe she could help. Not pull a pepper spray out on me.
"I'm warning you lady! I can kick ass if I need to." She hissed, looking at me like I was some kind of...well...Howard.
This made me cry harder. Trust me to pick out a wacko, kung-fu Grandma.
I truly am pathetic. Scared of a little old lady. And I apparently look like a transvestite. Fantastic.
My heels clack on the cobbles as I try to back further away from her. I wanted to tell her that I mean no harm. Either that or tell her to shove that spray up her ass. But I couldn't find my the words. Couldn't catch my breath.
He's leaving me. I mean, really leaving me.
What did I do to deserve this?
"You're still not far away enough!" The old bat crowed.
That's because she was following me. Clearly demented. I don't know what to do. I feel like decking her, but obviously that's not an option...
"Hey, what's going on here then Vince?"
I turn to see Naboo - my saviour in blue - standing beside her, hands on his hips, a priceless look of confusion on his face. It would have been funny if I wasn't you know, all dying inside.
"This young lady's pestering meeeee!" The old lady insists (guess she's not lying, but that's hardly the point). Yet that very statement is enough to reassure him that this woman's clearly off her nut. I feel Bollo put a protective, furry arm around me.
"Yeah whatever...clear off Granny scroggins," Said Naboo coolly. For one second I thought she was gonna start on him too (now that would be funny to see) but she soon leaves once Bollo growls at her.
"Grrr get away!"
"What a nut sack." Naboo says, shaking his head a little as he watches her trail down the street.
Both of them suddenly look at me. Finally noticing the state I'm in.
"It's alright Vince. She's gone now. Don't mess your pants." Says Naboo, looking shocked.
As if I'd be crying over a Psycho Nana (like I said, I've faced them before). I try desperately to put them straight but the words just won't come. They don't need to.
"It's Howard...he's...he said...Howard said..."
Ican'tbreatheIcan'tbreatheIcan'tbreathe...
Not without him, I just can't.
They both swap looks of concern, sensing something's really wrong and before I know it, Naboo's arm is around me too and suddenly they're steering me away from that bus stop (hopefully not to the flat though. Please no).
I don't know where we're going. I don't know how to ask them. I don't know what to tell them when they start asking questions. I don't know where to even begin.
I'm Vince Noir. I shouldn't even get upset. Since when did I need Howard Moon like this anyway? Since when could he make me fall apart so badly? I'm so confused, it hurts.
"Vince, what's up?"
How can I possibly answer them when I can't even answer myself?
Oh, I've depressed myself a wee bit now!
Do not fear though, I have a plan...