Carmelita and the Coffee Shop
The Baudelaires went to get some coffee at Starbucks. The Quagmires, the Widdershins, Beatrice, Beatrice, and Carmelita Spats followed them in.
"Oh, it smells so beautiful in here," said Isadora as she strokes Klaus' hair. Klaus hugged her and they decided to go make out on the couch.
"Two decaf mochas," said Isadora and Klaus in unison before they began making out.
"Oh, coffee has such a fine smell!" exclaimed Violet.
"HEY!" said C.S. Lewis, who didn't live in Snicketland, "It's beginning to sound like I wrote this dialogue. Why can't you just speak normal?" C.S. Lewis left Snicketland.
"EWWWW!" screamed Carmelita, "COFFEE SMELLS FUNNY!"
"JUST LIKE YOU!" screamed Fiona, "KLAUS IS MINE!" Fiona and Carmelita continued battling. Klaus and Isadora couldn't resist giggling.
"Yo, all you girls out there," said Quigely, "Come to Quigley, the new Zac Efron." Everyone stared at Quigely. Even the coffee and the whip cream on little girl's frappucino stared at Quigley.
"Please excuse him," said Duncan.
"Did you just say my mother was ugly?" said Quigley, "HUH?!! HUH?!!"
"You're mother is my mother too," said Duncan, "Why would I say that? Please release me from your grasp." Quigely did as he was told.
"I wonder why they call it Starbucks," wondered Beatrice Baudelaire.
"This is where the Joe is," explained Sunny to Beatrice Snicket.
"I've come back to haunt you forever," said Esme, who was dead.
"ME TOO!" screamed Count Olaf. Esme banged a pot on his head.
"TOOTLES!" screamed Olaf as he died again.
"Crank dat Souja Boy…" sang Captain Widdershins.
"Oh, Klaus…."
"Isadora…"
"SNAKES!" screamed Uncle Monty, who was dead.
"LEECHES KILLED MY HUBAND!" screamed Aunt Josephine, who was dead.
"I'M A REALTOR!" screamed Violet. Aunt Josephine died again.
"I'M A SPY FROM THE HERPETOLOGICAL SOCIETY!" screamed Violet. Uncle Monty died again. Quigley kept trying to pick up a girl, Captain Widdershins kept trying to remember the words to Souja Boy, and Duncan stood quietly in a corner.
"Weebles wobble but they don't fall down," sang Captain Widdershins.
"Duncan, what would you like?" asked Violet sweetly.
"I don't need anything," said Duncan, blushing.
"GET THE MISTELTOE OUT!" screamed Captain Widderhins, who was obsessed with everyone else's love affairs, as he displayed in the previous chapter.
"What the heck is going on out there?" asked Bob, the owner to his employee, Christina.
"I don't know," admitted Christina, "But it's quite amusing."
"Don't worry about," said Bob, "Just make that crappucino."
"It's referred to as a frappucino, sir," said Christina.
"DID YOU JUT CALL HIM SIR?" screamed Sir, who wasn't there, "HIS NAME IS BOB! CALL HIM BOB! MY NAME IS SIR SO CALL ME SIR!" Sir left, even though he wasn't there.
"I don't know what that was all about," blurted Bob, "But you corrected me. Never do that again!" Bob slapped Christina.
"ASSUALT!!!!" screamed every single character in A Series of Unfortunate Events, dead or alive, good or evil, in a book or not in a book, mentioned or not mentioned, allergic to sunflowers or not allergic to sunflowers.
"DESTROY HIM!" screamed Esme. Everyone went to destroy Bob except Klaus, Isadora, and Duncan. They went over to check on Christina.
"Are you alright," asked Klaus.
"Yes," I'm fine answered Christina, "What's your name?"
"CARMELITA SPATS!" screamed you-know-who.
"Oh," said Christina, "I wasn't referring to you. I was referring to this lovely gentleman."
"I AM A LOVELY GENTLEMAN!" screamed Carmelita Spats. Everyone gasped except Bob, who had just died, thanks to Esme's pogo-stick.
"My name is Klaus," said Klaus, "These are my friends, Isadora and Duncan."
"Here," said Duncan, "I'll get you an ice pack." (A/N: ICE PACKS!)
"Oh," said Christina, "That's so sweet of you." She kissed Duncan.
"Crap," said Violet, "Now, I'm stuck with Quigley."
Author's Notes: The characters are all Lemony Snicket's except Bob and Christina. Starbucks owns Starbucks. C.S. Lewis owns himself.
Captain Widdershins Songs:
Property of Souja Boy Tell 'Em.
I seriously have no idea who owns it.
I'm sorry but the Esme and the Noodle joke is gone because I can't think of anything else to rhyme with noodle.