Author's Notes: Seriously, I have no ideas for this story except this one, and it's pretty silly.

Chapter V: Carmelita and the Evil Surgeons

Carmelita Spats was the girl you would refer to as snobby, bratty, selfish and rude. She always talked about how wonderful she was and how horrible everyone else was. That is, until the day she met the Band of Evil Surgeons…

The gang that had gone to the coffee shop together in the last chapter was hanging out with Christina at her favorite place, the library. The librarian was repeatedly telling Carmelita to shut up. Eventually, the librarian literally kicked her out of the building as the Baudelaires and Quagmires chuckled.

"You all seem to be too sane," said Klaus, "I guess this is the end of this annoying and random book."

"Yes," said Isadora, "I suppose so. But I'll miss making out with you every chapter."

"And I'll miss that catfight I had with the brat," said Fiona.

"I'll never forget when J.K. Rowling popped her head in and claimed she was richer then Lemony."

"I'll never forget Esme," said Sunny, "She was funny on a pogo-stick!"

"And remember when she had that noodle…" Klaus began.

"NOODLES!" screamed Esme. Everyone giggled. Everyone except Quigley. He didn't think giggling was a cool thing to do for a boy. Well, he was desperate to be cool. He went to a bunch of cool groups. They always turned him down. I'm getting off topic again. Ok, back to the point.

"I'm going to stalk you for the rest of your life," said Esme as she left, hopping on a pogo-stick and randomly slapping a noodle, a poodle, and a beanie toy manufactured by Ganz around.

"Well," said Captain Widdershins, "She's the only funny thing left. Looks like the story's over."

"No, it's not," said Christina, "Even if Snicket has dumped you and even if this dumb author person dumps us (no offense author person) we are still together. We'll always be together. Now, let's read some books." Everyone read some books and it seemed that the story had ended.

Ah, but you may be wondering what has been happening with Carmelita during this time. After she was kicked out of the library, Carmelita met up with some evil orthodontist who gave people braces even when they didn't need them.

"Well," said Carmelita, "I could use you."

"I have many allies as well," said the evil orthodontist.

"I'll need them all. Meet me at this library in one hour," said Carmelita, "And bring you're associates. I shall have revenge! MUAHAHAHA!" Then there was an evil moment where the imaginary camera zoomed in on Carmelita's throat while she was laughing and the whole world fell down. (Not really, just, you know, figuratively. IT WAS AN EVIL LAUGH!)

Now, inside the library, the Baudelaires were laughing along with the Quagmires, the Widdershins and Christina while reading books and remembering this strange story.

"I wonder what Carmelita will do," wondered Klaus, "After all, this story is named after her."

"I suppose she's looking for some friends," said Violet, "Although, she'll never find any. She's too bratty."

"Yea," said Fiona, "She's a pain in the…"

"HEY!" screamed Count Olaf, "I'm the only one who can use foul language around here. She's a pain in the…" But Olaf never got to say what Carmelita was a pain in. At that moment the entire building began shaking. As suddenly as it had begun, it ceased. But at that moment the lights went out.

"AAAH!!" screamed everyone. There was a shattering of windows, a rip, and a scream. Everyone made for the door but they were stopped by a mysterious figure.

"Hello, suckers," said the recognizable, snobby voice, "I thought you might want to meet some of my friends." Suddenly, the lights came on and the gang was surrounded by a number of cruel-looking doctors.

"Do you're worst," said Carmelita, "I'll be watching."

"Our pleasure," said one of the doctors who appeared to be an orthodontist.

"I'm going to give Violet a weird nose job!" screamed a surgeon.

"I'm going to give Klaus worse eye vision and take his contacts so that he'll have to wear those ugly glasses again," said the optometrist.

"I'm going to make Sunny's teeth duller and give Duncan unnecessary braces," said the orthodontist.

"NO!" screamed Violet.

"I'm going to give Isadora plastic surgery that people use for beauty," said a surgeon.

"NO!" screamed Klaus.

"I'm going to de-bob Fiona's hair," said a stylist.

"NO!" screamed Captain Widdershins.

"I'm going to tear Fernald's hooks out and replace them with dolphin poop!" ejected a hand surgeon.

"That's seriously stupid," commented Fernald.

"I'm going to perform unnecessary surgery similar to that occurring in The Hostile Hospital to Quigley," spit out a naughty, naughty surgeon.

"I'm going to kill Beatrice!" screamed a surgeon known for his well-handling of babies. This drew a fine gasp from all the people in the room, including the surprised person who mentioned it.

"Why, Carmelita, why?" screamed Klaus as the optometrist grabbed her eye tools and strapped Klaus to the floor.

"Because…….because……," Carmelita began. Soon, Klaus realized she was crying. Klaus knew this time had to be coming soon.

"WHAT THE HECK IS A CAKESNIFFER ANYWAY?" balled Carmelita, "My father…..told me………..he was wrong. It's not right. NOOO! I don't know why dead people come alive, I don't know who killed my parents, and I don't know why I'm so mean. CEASE!"
Everything in the room paused. This had not been anticipated, not been expected, certainly not by anyone in the room.

"When someone feels miserable they try to make other people feel miserable," said Carmelita as she wiped her tears, "But it never helps. Go! All of you! Out! Surgeons, take the money. But don't lay a finger on them."

"What on Earth is going on?" questioned Violet.

"I don't know," said Duncan, "But let's hope it turns out for the better."

Epilogue of Carmelita and the Magical Tap Shoes

This concludes our telling of the outrageous tale of insanity in A Series of Unfortunate Events. The Baudelaires never saw Carmelita again and lived happily ever after with their friends. Carmelita's family and ego still remain a mystery. Mysteries aren't always solved. But insanity must end. Therefore, you may now choose to forget the insanity of all these amusing characters or remember them and keep it fresh in your mind and close to your heart, as I will.