life's like a book
each page is different &
you control the pen

Chapter Six: I Am Free

The Sohma house was pretty empty and not to mention quiet. The only other person I saw in the main house were skittish servant's who eyed me as I walked along the hallways. I guess you could say I was lost. Right after Momiji, Hiro, Kisa, Kagura, and Hatori went off to their own houses in the compound I was left alone. I guess it was stupid not asking for directions, but I never really thought of how big one house could be. And believe me, that was my downfall. But to my great luck, there was Uo and Hana, standing on the porch to another one of the courtyards.

"Uo! Hana!" I said happily jogging up to them. They both warily enveloped me in hugs, they both looked concerned.

"What?" I asked curiously.

"Should you really be running?" Uo said poking my shoulder. Hmm...well I guess I wasn't, but what Dr. Hatori didn't know won't kill him. Ack. I almost winced at my own thought, it wouldn't kill him, but it could to me...

"Umm, I see your point." I said, shamefully looking at the ground. And when I looked up, tears were shining in their eyes, and I remembered. They knew too.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Hana said softly, looking me straight in the eye, and I almost couldn't bear it, so I looked down at my fidgeting feet.

"Umm, well, I couldn't-" I started,

"No, you mean you wouldn't." Uo snorted, guess I deserved that.

"It's just that you guys worry so much about me already, and I...didn't want to give you guys anymore of a reason to worry." I said quietly. Keeping my head down, not daring to look into their eyes. Then I felt two pairs of arms wrap around me pulling me close to them, and I started to cry.

"Shh, Tohru, we both love you very much, we just don't like to see you hurt." Hana said, smoothing my hair down.

"Besides, even if you didn't tell us, we would've still worried about you." Uo said, seconding Hana. They let me, go and my crying eased down into a soft sniffle.

"Thanks." I said, wiping at my nose a little, then I remembered something.

"ohmigosh! I need to find the others!" I quickly hugged both of them, and ran off again, I could almost hear Uo shouting something after me about running.

I ran all around the compounds of the Main House, not finding the people I was looking for, but then I saw Yuki. He was just standing there, in the snow, He must've been standing there for a while, because he was already covered in a thin sheet of snow. He was just standing in front of the little pond. Looking at it, but not really seeing it. Quietly I moved to stand next to him, if he knew I had come, he didn't make an acknowledgment, and I didn't either. We just both stood there.

He was the first one to break the silence though, "Miss Honda?" He asked questioningly, still not looking at me. I didn't turn my head to look at him either, "Yuki."

"It's true isn't it..." He said softly, just above a whisper. I didn't answer him, though I think he understood.

"I'm sorry." Was all he said, I quickly took a step toward him, looking at him this time, and I was able to catch his eye, he turned to face me, his eyes sad and forlorn ed.

"Don't be. I knew this was going to happen. I've had a long time to accept my life." I said, trying to sound as sincere as I could, but the truth was, I didn't. I didn't accept my fate at all, not in the least. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be that weak little girl anymore, I didn't want to hear people say, "Oh, that poor girl." not anymore, I wouldn't take it.

"But you don't accept it." Yuki said. It wasn't a question at all, he was making a statement. He looked haunted, as if this wasn't the first time that someone close to him bit the bullet. I smiled a sad smile, looking away from him again, into the little pond. That's when I saw it. The pure white birds, they almost looked like miniature doves. They looked so pure, so innocent, free of any sin. They were Akito's if I had remembered correctly.

I could see why he would've wanted creatures like that around. Just by looking at the birds, they reminded me of a time when nothing was wrong. When everything was fixed with a hug and a kiss. Such pure innocence, the kind of innocence we all lost when we've grown up.

"No human could ever compare to them." I said, looking at the birds, Yuki's eyes filled with confusion following my gaze to the birds. I crouched down and just stayed like that, still looking out to the other side of the ponds where the birds fluttered.

"What do you mean by that?" He asked quietly. I smiled softly again, now looking at him.

"They are without sin, innocence of a child, something that all people have forgotten ever existed." I whispered, more to myself than to him. Then I heard him kneel down next to me, getting the knees of his pants wet with snow. And with one quick movement, he put his arms around me in a fierce hug. And not a second later the loud pop filled my ears, and I held up the tiny rat. And It truly made me laugh.

"I'm so sorry Miss Honda." He said, a flush filing his fur covered cheeks.

"Don't worry about it. Let's get you into the house. You look cold." I said, observing the tiny flakes sticking onto his fur, I put him on my shoulder, since I didn't have a coat or pocket to fit him in. and ran into the house.

"Miss Honda! You shouldn't be running." I know he was just concerned about me, but it just made me run faster into the house, I did it half-ly because it was freezing outside, and half-ly because I just wanted to prove a point, and that point was that nothing would change just because of my condition.

When we got into the house, people looked, we must've looked a sight, my hair windblown, my thin sweater sticking close to my skin because of the show melting on me, and a rat on my shoulder. Momiji and Kisa greeted me. I would've hugged them, but I didn't want to get them wet, and for that same reason, I didn't step into the house, I just placed Yuki down on the porch.

"Hey! I found one of them." I said, proudly pointing to Yuki, the smile on my face felt fake, not like the ones I used to smile before. Thinking back on it, those might have been a little fake too. Who could ever be truly happy knowing that you were sick? No one, that's who.

"Tohru's back! YaY!" Momiji cried, he was still a bunny, thanks to me. Kisa smiled at me.

"Now, for Kyo! Have you guys seen him around?" I asked, bending down to meet Kisa's gaze.

"He got mad when he heard about you sissy." She said, and Momiji added to that, "You shoulda seen the smoke coming out of his ears."

"Oh..." I said softly, my smile wavering a bit.

"The cat always goes to sulk on roofs." Yuki said, slowly shaking him save dry.

"Thanks! I'll be back in a few!" I said, running around the compound for a hill or something to stand on to see the tops. I didn't know why I ran, I was never good a running, never. I didn't like running either. But now...I felt that if I ran, that it would be the same as defying all those who thought that I was a sickly girl who couldn't do anything. I felt that it would prove that I wasn't so sick at all...but it didn't.

I spotted a bench along the brick walls that surrounded the main house. I stood on it, scanning the roofs for anything orange, and sure enough there it was. Just lying there, looking up to the sky. I ran over to the house and circled it trying to find a ladder of some sorts. Finding none, I assumed he jumped...The Sohma's were just too amazing I thought wearily.

"Kyo?" I called up, nothing happened, I heard no movement what so ever, nobody calling back down to me. 'Maybe he's asleep?' I thought to myself.

"Kyo!" I tried shouting a little louder, still to no avail. I huffed a little, and started shivering in the light breeze of snow. But I didn't dare give up yet. 'I will get to talk to all of them' I thought fiercely, and with a new found determination I walked up to the house, and grabbed hold of the little bricks or pieces of wood that stuck out of the house, and I just them as foot holds, trying to climb up.

It took a long time, and my finger nails were already long broken and a little bloody. But I still pushed on. There! I thought as one of my hands reached the roof. Then my other hand got a hold of it too. I was about to pull myself up, but then, The piece of wood from under me broke off, leaving me suspended in the air.

"Ahh!" I screamed out, hoping someone would hear me. The adrenaline pulsed through my body, along with the fear. And to my great relief, I heard a rustle from above, and saw hands effortlessly pull me up from the ledge. It was Kyo. Totally awake. And not to mention a little angry looking. He eyes looked sad, haunted, and last but definitely not least, pissed off.

"Umm...Hi Kyo!" I said blushing. He set me down on my feet, and looked like he was ready to yell.

"What the hell do you think you were doing?" He shouted, and I winced back, okay I deserved that too.

"Umm..see I wanted t-"

"Do you know what could've happened if no one was up here!"

"But I sa-"

"That's besides the point! Plus, there's no way I'm letting you die until your old and wrinkly married with several damn kids, got that!" He continued, then realizing what he said, he sat down, flushed, and just said, "keh."

"Oh Kyo..." I said sadly, I wouldn't die old. I wouldn't be surrounded on my deathbed with grandkids beside me, I wouldn't be married.

"Tell me it's a lie. Tell me that they're all wrong. Tell me that they're all a bunch of bullshitters." He said, looking me in the eye, the same fierce determination I held in my eyes to climb the house was in his eyes. I couldn't lie to him. I couldn't. So I didn't say anything, but I sat down next to him, the roof we were on was one of the biggest. You could see the tops of the other houses, the school, and even the mall from up here. When you were up higher, you see things at a different perspective.

While I was up here, I felt like I could do anything, anything. Even escape death. I felt like I could touch the sky, taste the clouds, see into heaven. Up here, I didn't feel so depressed. I didn't feel like the world was about to crumble around me. I felt free.

"Oh Kyo..." I repeated again. I couldn't tell him it was true, but I couldn't bring myself to lie either. I caught a glimpse of my hands. My nails were all broken and bleeding. I put them under my knees, so that Kyo wouldn't see.

"Dammit! Don't 'oh Kyo' me! They're lying I know it!" He said suddenly standing up, stomping his foot on the roof in such fury. I just continued to sit and stare out into the horizon. Nothing I said would change what he thought. So I stopped. And just stared.

"I love being up here, well I guess not here here, but up high." I said, Kyo calmed a little sitting down again.

"Why?" was all he asked, he didn't say anything more about my condition, how it was a lie, but I could read it in his face, he truly did believe it. I smiled sadly, I seemed to be doing this a lot now.

"Because I feel free, I feel relieved, content, it's almost as if time wasn't anymore than just numbers on a dial. I feel free. Of everything, of life's worries, pain, suffering. Just free." I said with such exhilaration, that I could feel the twinkle in my eyes, Somewhere during what I said, I stood up, looking up to the sky. The sheer white of it almost blinding me.

I started spinning in circles, but since the roof was sort of slanted, I did it slowly, arms spread out wide, pretending to be on the the innocent white doves, although knowing that I could never be. I just spun and spun, looking at the world rush past me.

"Well, we could always go up on the roof at Shigure's! We'll go every night, with Kisa and Momiji, everyone and look at the stars! Yeah! That's what we'll do. Then later, when we all get old and weird looking, we'll pass it on to other kids!" He stood up, one fist in the sky. I sighed softly. There was no getting through to him. He would never accept the fact that after this year is up, there wouldn't be another Honda.

"Yeah..." I whispered to the sky. I didn't dare pray to God. For, what could he do? Didn't he make me like this? Besides, the forsaken don't pray. They suffer. Akito must've realized that long ago.

"Let's go inside, It's freezing." He said brushing snow off of his coat, It was pointless with me, my sweater was already soaked through, and I didn't bother with a coat. It was freezing and sticking to my body, but I only had one more person to go.

"Lets." I followed Kyo down the stairs into the warm house, I felt bad about wetting the wood, but It was nice to be in a warm place. I stopped before the door, and Kyo looked at me questioningly.

"I have one more person to see." I said, smiling and without warning running out of the house leaving Kyo bewildered and sure enough pissed. I ran around the houses, weaving in between each one, looking for him. Haru. The last person on my list. After combing the grounds, shivering all the while through, I finally came to the conclusion that he was no longer near the Main House. I sighed. And sat down on one of the benches again.

I looked down at my hands, They were cut, broken finger names, bleeding hangnails, but I didn't care. I still needed to find him. My sweater stuck to my body, making it uncomfortable to move, but I needed to go on. To prove to myself that I was alright.

I quietly got up and moved toward the gate. Taking one last look at the Main House, I saw Akito, hanging from his window, like the first time I ever saw him at the Main House. He didn't say anything, just stared at me, and I stared back. I was no longer afraid of him. I bowed down in respect, then when I got back up I saw him standing inside now. Still looking at me. Then I saw him mouth something. Something that looked like "We Are Forsaken." And we were. I turned away and ran into the sidewalk, looking left and right before crossing the street..

I ran up and down the streets, seeing faces, but not really paying attention, just looking out for the boy with snowy white hair. Then I began stopping people in the streets, asking about him. And they all pointed in one direction, they all commented how it was hard not to see him. He was strange indeed, two different colors of hair, tall and lean, bad boy aura all over him, although deep down inside he really wasn't.

They all pointed to the abandoned park. It once used to be a beautiful place. Now it was just rubble. The picnic tables and benches burned black and broken in half, the trees twisted dead, but all the same while beautiful in it's own eerie way. The children's play set, swings and all, were burned black too, fragile looking. The only thing that was still remarkable about this place was the lake. The lake was humongous. It was still as big and beautiful as it had always been. Sparkling waters, frozen over with this ice, next to the hills covered in snow.

That's when I saw him, lying down on the hill, much as I had seen him the first time I met him, although this time I didn't mistake him for an old man. I felt rooted to the spot. This wouldn't be as easy as I though. I didn't' even know a quarter of the things I wanted to say, and I didn't even know how he would react. But I felt the need. The need to feel his arms around me, although knowing it couldn't happen, the need to feel him sitting standing next to me.

I was up on one of the hills, it was almost like being on the roof. The sky felt s near. So close, So perfect. I felt free.

REVIEW, I would realy really appreciate it. CoughCough let me make this a bit clearer. Review or no update, lol. Simple as that.