You change for only two reasons

You learn enough that you want to

or

You hurt enough that you have to

Chapter Seven: Ignorance is Bliss

I wasn't sure what to do. Haru was so different from Yuki and Kyo, how would he react? Would be sullen like Yuki? Or in denial like Kyo? Did it matter? To me it did. I slowly made my way over to the hill he was lying on. A little like Yuki, he didn't acknowledge me as I scooted next to him, sitting down and bringing my knees up to my chest, hiding my broken bleeding hands between them.

Nothing was said for a few moments, the only noises were the soft wind and an occasional shiver from me. I hadn't thought of how cold it would be. I knew it was cold, since it being winter, but not this cold. The fact that my almost paper thin sweater was already soaked and sticking to me didn't help the matter. I squeezed my knees closer to me, hoping that maybe I could get a little warmer or squeeze the cold out of me. But of course it was all to no avail.

He just raised an eyebrow looking at what I was wearing, I almost thought I saw him shake his head. Then I saw him sliding off his long white trench coat. I felt something drape around my shoulders, and I instantly knew what it was. It was warm and soft, yet firm and heavy. I looked up surprised to see Haru turn to me and adjust his big black coat on me. He fixed it so that it fully covered my shoulders, and it was even big enough to cover most of my legs. I felt the warm fur at the top brush against my cheek and I tried to burrow even deeper into the coat.

"What are you thinking going outside in this weather without a coat?" He asked me, already laying back down on his back, gazing at the frozen over lake.

"I was kind of in a rush, and umm, well forgot?" I said, even though I knew why I didn't. It was like running, I felt that I needed to prove to myself that I could tough this out. That I could overcome it, but I now realize that I'm completely and utterly stupid.

"That's not why...is it." He said, but it wasn't a question. He knew for a fact and it was something I couldn't deny. I slowly nodded. Lying was besides the point now anyway.

"Your right." I said, looking out to the ice. When I was little, I always used to pretend to be one of the world's greatest ice skaters, but my clumsiness and lack of balance always had kept me from that dream, bringing me back into the harsh reality. That's how I lived my life mostly, dreaming up a goal, but then stricken by reality.

I knew reality was harsh. My mom tried to give me the best. Trying her hardest to support us both. I could tell that it hurt her. Being alone, but she never showed it to me. Just kept on reassuring me with encouraging words, she was trying to take the weight of the world off my shoulders, but ever since the accident, I felt the burdens she'd been carrying with her. And now was the first time I've ever really felt what that was like.

I heard him shuffle a bit, rearranging himself, so that his elbows propped him up a bit, still looking towards the lake, "It's true...isn't it." he said. I heard this question in so many different forms in the past couple hours, that I didn't even hesitate when I nodded silently. Not quite looking at him, but I know he saw.

Then all of the sudden the ground shook once and solid. I turned to look at Haru. His eyes held that confidence and arrogance they usually had when he turned black. And I knew instantly that he was Black Haru now. His fist was still connected to the ground, a deep hole through the snow and dirt evident. I looked at him worriedly, not sure what to do. I've never really encountered black Haru alone.

"Hatsuharu..." I whispered. Reaching out to touch his shoulder, he didn't move, but I could see in his eyes, that he was having an internal battle. And white Haru had lost.

"How can you stand it? How can you stand knowing?" he asked, he sounded mad, but not at anyone or anything, just mad. I looked away from him. I didn't know much of what to do. So I opted for the truth.

"I can't. I don't." I said simply, thinking about the cold more than anything else right now. And it was the truth. Did he think that I enjoyed knowing? That I was going to bite the bullet in a couple more months? I don't. And as much as I tried to accept it...I couldn't. I'm only seventeen. I don't want to become one of those statistics.

"Then get mad! Fight back. Scream a little! Shout! Get pissed!" He said, more like ordered. He took his hand and put it under my chin, surprisingly gentle, and made me look at him. At the burning in his eyes. I pulled away, he wanted emotion? I'll give it to him.

"What! What do you want! Do you think I enjoy this? That I enjoy never being able to make it through High school? Never getting to college? Never having kids? In case you haven't realized yet, I'm dying. No not like in the movies, where they find out that they really don't die. This is real. Real life. There's no changing it, no miracle is going to happen." what I hadn't noticed when I spoke was that my voice kept getting louder and louder, the tears in my eyes almost spilling over if I hadn't wiped furiously at my eyes. And quickly put my hands back under my knees.

"Life is not something you can just fucking waste! Let yourself say what you want! Let yourself get mad, sad, or even just plain pissed!" He just shouted back, and I was taken aback. But it sparked something inside of me, I remembered all the other times Kyo or Yuki tried to make me show my emotions, say the things I wanted to, but I never did. But now...I was. And It felt good.

"Don't you think I know that! I don't want to see the faces, the words, the worried glances! I've always seen them growing up. And I have no choice but to see them. I don't have a choice in how to live my life!" I was standing now. And he got up too.

"You always have a choice! You have choice to make them stop. To make them believe that your alright. You have choice to try and live normally! There's always a choice!" He shouted back as fiercely as I had.

"Not every choice is the right one!" I said, I could feel the fire in my eyes, in my veins, in my soul. It felt like a whole new me had stepped out. Letting myself feel the emotions. Letting myself do what I wanted to do.

"There's no such thing as the right choice dammit! The right choice is what you want it to be!" He smirked.

Haru sat back down, propped up with his elbows, smiling at little to himself, As if he had accomplished something amazing. And I sat down next to him too, hands still hidden behind my knees, and head looking upwards.

"That's a start I guess, but your going to have to work at it." he said sighing, looking up towards the sky where all the flakes still fell, his smirk still encased on his face. A glint of mischief visible.

"What are you smiling about?" I asked a little confused. Start of what? I just got a little mad...

"Tohru is coming out." he said, I rolled my eyes.

"I've always been here."

"Yeah, but not like a few minutes ago." He said, lopsided smirk still there.

He looked at me silently for a few minutes. Not saying anything, and I was staring back too. It was almost like a magnetic connection, neither of us blinked or looked away, it was if there was an invisible force pulling us together. Slowly yet surely. His head slowly came closer to mine, so very slowly that I could have pulled away at any moment I wanted, but yet I didn't. I didn't even pull away when he was so close that I could feel his breath on my cheek.

Then it happened. Right there in the middle of the abandoned park. On the hill in front of the lake. A memory that would always be etched in my mind. Haru's lips descended onto mine, and the new me didn't pull away. It was wonderful, bittersweet. His lips were so soft, and yet it sent electric chills down my spine. I felt lax and relaxed here with Haru kissing me softly.

Then that's when it happened. Haru was face first in the snow from the sudden impact. I had to blink a few times to realize what had happened and when I did it finally struck me like a thousand bricks of what I had just done. To explain, What happened was that a fast hard snowball had pelted Haru's head, causing him to fall flat down on his face. I giggled at the sight. Finally seeing the kids a little younger than us behind us. Laughing hysterically.

"Run!" I heard the leader of the kids scream, and they all gallivanted off. Running so fast that you might have thought they were running from the fuzz themselves. Haru was still face down in the snow and my face flushed from the neck up. Ears included.

"That was my first kiss." I said surprised at myself. I can't believe it actually happened. My face was still flushed by the time Haru sat back up, looking a little or should I say very dazed.. But he was changed. No longer black Haru, but now just Haru. I looked at him surprisingly, wondering if he heard what I had said.

"Ugh...my head!" I heard him grumble from next to me, as he tried to shake the snow out of it. He was no longer Black Haru anymore. His composure was more relaxed, but he looked a little confused.

"Are you okay Hatsuharu?" I asked. He looked at me strangely for a second before answering.

"Yeah...but could you fill me in on what happened before I went down?" He asked, he sounded sincerely confused. And that's when it all dawned on me.

'Oh My God' was the only thought that came to mind, my face flushed again. Did he really not remember? 'I feel like such an idiot!' I thought to myself. 'Wait a minute...he was Black when he kissed me...What if that wasn't really Haru who did that!' I mentally screamed at myself. I must've looked a sight to him. My hair a mess, neck up red, and making shocked expressions. 'What else could to wrong?'

"I'm so stupid." I muttered out loud, laying down the the snow, looking up at the sky, it felt so near. 'ugh! Why did this have to happen!' I thought madly, sure I wanted him to kiss me, more than I could express in words but...DID HE HAVE TO FORGET? This is what happens when you like someone with a two-sided personality.

"Miss Honda?" He asked quietly, I sat up and sighed, propping myself up with my hands.

"So you don't remember anything from when you turned black?" I asked softly, hoping it wasn't true. To tell the truth. I didn't know what I thought would have happened if he did remember. Did this always happen to him? 'Great...just great.'

"Sorry." Was all he said before standing up and stretching, I followed after grateful to stretch my limbs. I still felt regret. Regret that I let myself become like this. A one-sided love is not what what I needed right now.

Then a thought hit me. So what if he didn't remember? Maybe it's fate trying to tell me in it's own way that it wouldn't have worked out anyway. I sighed for the millionth time today. 'It wouldn't have worked out anyway.' that thought kept ringing through my head. But if we couldn't be what I had wanted, then friends was the next best thing. And that started with calling each other by name, I thought wryly.

"Well, We said we'd call each other by our first names! And well you gave me sort of a pep talk, that's basically it." I said, even though half of it was a lie. He did give me somewhat of a pep talk I guess.

"Really?" He asked.

Haru's Point of View

'I've gotten myself into deep shit...' I thought to myself, mentally berating myself. Why did I have to lie! I didn't forget at all. But I made her believe that. And why you ask? I have no clue. I'm an idiot. Just an idiot. I didn't want to tell her that I remembered cause...I was embarrassed. Dear lord, I just stole her first kiss, there's no way she'd forgive me for that. None the less, I didn't even know if she liked me at all! We didn't even call each other by first names until now.

'I'M A FUCKING IDIOT.' I thought to myself.

"Yup! So, since you don't remember. Is it alright if I call you Haru?" She asked, a little shyly, making circles in snow with one foot. I only smiled and nodded. Still mad at myself for lying, I was mostly scared of how she'd react after the kiss, Would she have pushed me away? Accepted me? The Sohma's weren't meant to be loved. That's what I've grown up to know. It was all I've ever known.

That's when I saw it. The hand print that betrayed her face. The blood red hand print etched on the snow. It was so visible, almost the only color in the whole park. I looked at her sternly, she looked so innocent. You would've never known the secret she's kept hidden for years. At that exact moment I thought about her condition, I felt this welling sadness, she was the only person, the only person who actually tried to befriend the Sohmas, and really did.

"Let me see your hands." I said calmly, not letting my inner emotions known yet. but I could see it in her eyes, she already knew what I was talking about.

"Why?" She asked, playing dumb.

"Tohru. Let me see your hands." I said again, saying her name. I don't know why, but it felt good just saying her name, It rolled off my tongue almost perfectly.

Then I heard a light sigh as she outstretched her hands toward me, palms skyward.

"Shit." I said, while gently holding them, sitting down, bringing her with me. We sat in front of each other crisscrossed while I studied my palms. They looked painful. The pads of her fingers were almost totally rubbed off, which was were most of the dried blood had come from, and her nails were all broken or chipped from trying to do who knows what.

"It's not that bad actually." She said, knowing it wasn't true. I just raised my eyebrow staring at her hands, then I reached for my back pocket, for two handkerchiefs. I always kept them with me, not sure why, but Kisa always have me some. I gently started to wrap her hands in them. Making tight knots to keep her hands protected from getting worse.

"What happened?" I asked, while wrapping her other hand.

"It was really nothing..." she said, I instantly knew it was a lie. Her hands looked like that were almost burned off. The dry blood practically caked on them. Her fingers were the worst, the skin on them almost completely torn off. I just raised my eyebrows again, stopped working to look in her eyes.

"I tried climbing the main house roof." she said plainly.

"What!" I asked shocked beyond belief. Did she have any idea what could've happened? Apparently not.

"I was just trying to talk to Kyo, I knew he was up there, but he was ignoring me, and I couldn't find a ladder, so I tried climbing, but I fell, but Kyo caught me just in time, my hands aren't that bad, just a little scratched, and it's-" I cut her off.

"So it's Kyo's fault." I stated. That damn cat was trouble, I just know it.

"No no no!" She said, trying to make me believe it, but I just couldn't. If Kyo would just stop being an ignorant ass, then this wouldn't have happened.

"I'm bringing you to Hatori." I said, pulling her up with me, I still had her hands cupped within my own. Staring at them. This was just like her. She would never tell people when she was hurt, emotionally and physically. It ticked me off. I wish she would tell people, yell a little, make it known how she was feeling. Pent up emotions always lead to disaster. Or so I've learned.

I thought back to the kiss while I held her hand. It was so perfect. I cared for her a lot, but how could anyone ever love the cow?

Tohru's Point of View

I said nothing as he pulled me up to my feet and we began to walk out of the park. I also said nothing when I had noticed he didn't let go of one of my hands while walking. Holding it firmly in his, while we walked back to the main house. Maybe fate thought it wouldn't work, but I sure as hell thought it could if given the chance. Besides, who believes in fate anymore?

REVIEW PLEASE! sorry bout the long wait. School Finals. BUT ANYWAY. If you review I might make the wait a little shorter xP