Okay, I'm having writers block. I need to find a new muse. I hate putting author's notes in the beginning of a chapter, but just work with me here. Okay, things may get a little confusing in this chapter. You really have to read, no not skim, read. Because I'm not sure, but the beginning might be a little confusing for those who don't catch on quick. It starts off in Tohru's point of viewAnd I realized some people (although most of you do) don't know what Stem Cell Research is. That's kind of really important. Here's an a link that can explain more on it: http://stemcells.nih.gov/info/basics/ Please Review, tell me if I'm getting rusty
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
- Voltaire (1694-1778)
Chapter Twelve: Don't Leave Me Alone
'Where am I?' It was so quiet, everything. I felt so alone. I couldn't cry, couldn't scream, couldn't do anything, anything but dream. I kept on dreaming of him, wishing I was still with him, but knowing that really, I was alone. There was nothing. It felt as if someone had locked me in a windowless room, then shut off the lights. 'Am I dead?' there wasn't any other explanation for it. For some reason, I had always thought of a bright light or pearly gates. Nope. Instead I was trapped in a closet of darkness.
'Is this hell?' It felt like it. Seeing the things I wanted to have, the people I wanted to be with, but it was all like watching it play in my head like a movie. Your watching it from a distance. Someone once told me in hell, there were many kinds of pain, but the one that hurt the most was the pain of loss. The loss of what you used to have, the people who you knew, the things that you wanted to do. All loss, this surely must be it. I had no sense of time. Everything blended into each other. Maybe it was days, weeks, months, years, I just don't know. Although, what I did know was the silence.
There were times though, when I could hear something though. I couldn't make out what it said, and the times when I did hear it was far and wide between. It sometimes calls my name, "Tohru! Tohru!" Sometimes desperate, sometimes sad, or pained, or even sometimes comforting, but besides the tone of the words, I could comprehend nothing. It was the same voice every time, although, the voice didn't speak often, which then left me in the darkness and silence feeling more helpless than I ever was.
By what seemed like millenniums past, I started to believe this actually was hell. That this was where I am now. Getting glimpses of the family I used to have, hearing a voice calling out to me, but never once able to reach them.
Hatsuharu's Point of View
I couldn't stand being inside the hospital. It was almost as if I could feel them. Everyone, all their sadness, anger, pain, mixed into this mass of chaos. I took out that cigarette that I bummed from Shigure and flipped open the lighter. I ran a hand through my hair, thinking about what was to come. Disappointment and sorrow or maybe even something close to a miracle. My heart was racing. This had to work, I know it will. In the end the decision was made by the family, although we had to get every family member's consent and signature to what was taking place on the third floor of the hospital room 312.
This was killing her. I could feel it. Even though she showed no signs to ever being aware of the world outside of her conscious, I knew it was like torture to her. The girl who was so full of life, trapped inside her own mind. I took a long drag out of my smoke.
We managed to get the whole family's consent of the matter after a long while of arguments and frustrations. And if this doesn't work, I don't know what'll do. Every single day since the incident I haven't slept and eaten well. Just breathing became a difficult task to manage. I needed her, she was my everything. Without her, I felt like the will to live, died with her.
"You know they've started right?" I heard a voice come from behind next to me. It didn't take a very long to realize it was only Kyo.
"Yeah." I said, I've found that always giving one word answers that it makes people get the vibe that you don't want them there. But Kyo was one of those people who didn't get that. I rolled up my sleeve to look at the rubber band on my wrist. It was an anger management thing that Hatori suggested I try. Whenever I got mad and felt like hurting someone I just plucked away at the rubber band. Ever since the incident happened, I became an angrier person I guess. Little things threw me off, and the darker part of me began to get aggressive.
"Are you alright?" he asked, leaning against the wall next to me.
"No." I said truthfully. What if this was a big mistake? What if her being like this made it easier for her? I wish I only knew. I wish I knew that by condemning her to this would turn out to be the best thing I could have done.
"This was the only thing we could do." He continued.
"Yeah." I thought. If this worked, if this worked, then she would be able to do all the things she dreamed of. All the things we've talked about and shared, but at what price? If this did work, how would we explain what we've done? She will never accept the fact that her life was saved because an unborn died.
Without saying anything else, I got up and left. There was someone everywhere and quite frankly, it pissed me off. Sakura trees lined the walkway to the hospital, much like school did, then branched off into a little park area. I found myself standing there thirty minutes later.
Traces of spring were beginning to show up in the greenery and the April showers were almost constant. I've always knew the saying about you never know what you've got until it's taken away from you. That saying came up especially in movies, and I remember a while back scoffing at it, I remembered calling them ignorant fools, and now I was one of them. I sighed as leaned farther back into the park bench and closed my eyes.
I think I fell asleep then, because the next thing I knew, someone was kicking my leg quite rudely. 'Son of a bitch.' I could feel Black Haru burn inside me. I lazily opened one eye and saw Hiro standing there with Kisa close behind him. I held back my aggressive remark for Kisa's sake, but I did kick Hiro down to the ground with one leg.
"Yes?" I said settling back down into the bench. It was now really uncomfortable and I wondered how long I was sitting here.
"The doctor is asking to gather everyone." Kisa said softly. I opened both my eyes and straightened up again.
"Okay." I said, getting up. Along the way we found Ritsu. Besides the stutter and random sighs, he only went crazy over big things that even normal people (yet slightly bipolar) would go ballistic over, which was an improvement.
"We were the last people to file into the doctor's office. Most of the family was here, minus Akito. Even though the amount of people in the room, it was quiet and tense. You could feel the anxiety coming off of people in waves. Shigure was fidgeting and even Hatori looked perturbed. As soon as we all sat down at the long table, the doctor got up from the front and started to speak.
"The operation has been a success." He started off, I could see everyone calm down and loosen up considerably, " but, She's still showing signs of being comatose." I fisted my hands on the table, and this little gesture was enough to get the attention of half the room. Shigure looked me straight in the eyes, sending a message through them. 'calm down.'
"Now, before you say anything, we think it just might be after surgery affects. The drugs we used on her may be the cause. She should wake up in the next two days. And if she doesn't then…" He didn't finish his sentence but I got a feeling that everyone knew what he was getting at. He cleared his throat once or twice.
"We're going to need all of you, or whoever can available to be here whenever she wakes up, which should be in the next couple of days, so at least one of you need to be free whenever we call. People who wake up from comas get a little, well, unbalanced."
"I'll stay here until she wakes." I say without batting an eye. At this point I didn't care how people looked at me. Hatori had his work cut out for him with Akito. Shigure's deadline is in the next two days, and everyone else went to school, which I always skipped anyway.
"We'll all try to be free, we all will most likely." Yuki cleared that up while shooting me a look. As we all got up the doctor cleared his throat again and spoke a final time.
"Some people who wake from long term comas, tend to wake up with side affects. I just want you all to know what could happen if she does wake up. She may have some extent of bipolar disorder, a slight case of paralysis, or even amnesia. Things might get ugly."
That night when we all got home was a restless one. We were all asked to give our contact number. Cell phones, home phones, pagers, the works. I could barely get to sleep. I kept my cell phone on me all the time, every other minute checking if I missed a call, even though I knew the sharp ring would have been a good indication.
I kept on going over scenarios in my head about what it would be like when she woke up. What if she doesn't remember anything? What if she doesn't remember her family? But no, what I really wanted to know was, would she remember me? Waiting around was the worst part by far, and when morning finally came around the corner it felt like years had already gone by.
I sighed and got dressed for another long day. I dropped Kisa and Hiro off at their school as I usually did, then headed straight for the hospital, and to my surprise when I got there was that Yuki was already there waiting in the lobby. I could feel the discomfort and tenseness through his eyes. He didn't even bother to look my way as I sat down in the seat next to him.
"Your not the only one who cares about her you know." He spat out, casually looking around the waiting room. I had nothing to say to that, I bit back every mean thing I was about to say, and just looked around the room. What had happened to us? This couldn't have just been about our fight over the cure for Tohru. It had to have gone back farther. There must've been something I missed.
There were a lot of people here. Some crying, some smiling, some broken, It was so strange. You could feel the emotion in here roll like waves. Most of them in worry or despair, being in this place made you worry. I turned to look at Yuki, since he was defiantly not giving me any acknowledgement to even suggest that I here, I only got a look at his profile. I could see all the anger in his jaw line and eyes.
"What happened to us?" I asked him slowly, almost disdainfully I saw Yuki turn his head and look at me in what almost seemed on the verge of disgust.
"You became a hog." He stated. 'Does he want to get hurt?' Black Haru seethed inside of me. And then again, I started plucking the rubber band.
"Actually no, I'm a cow." I said annoyed.
"You hogged her all to yourself and I never got anytime with her anymore. Before you were always with her, I couldn't even say hi to her because you were always there. We didn't get to spend time with each other because you were always there! And now, NOW LOOK AT WHAT'S HAPPENED!" He shouted out the last part, loud enough for the other people to look our way, but then turned their heads back, as if this sort of thing always happened, which it probably did.
"If I never get to see her again, if I never get to speak to her again, if I never get to have my time with her again, I blame you, and I always will." He said in a hushed anger before swiftly turning and walking away.
Then it hit me. Did the others think of it that way too? Have I really been so blind? 'They're just jealous.' I could hear Black Haru sneer in the back of my mind. I just sighed and slid down further into the chair. I listened in to other peoples conversations, I heard about a new born on the first floor. A car accident by the school, a child gone blind. Then, I think I fell asleep again.
I felt drowsy. I could feel my body. Everything felt new. It felt different, it felt strange, but most of all, it was terrifying. I cringed at the sound of a door opening, it was so loud! I squirmed and wiggled trying to get some movement. 'Where am I?' I thought frantically. 'What's going on?' I tried to move in vain. I can't see. 'It's still dark!' I thought to myself terrified.
"By God, I think she's awake."
An unfamiliar voice spoke out. I couldn't open my eyes. I couldn't see. It sounded distant, far away, but not like before. Not like in hell. I felt as though it were actually right beside me. I tried making strangled noises coming out of my throat, but to no avail. I couldn't speak. I couldn't make my mouth to form the words I wanted to speak. I just kept on making screeches. I kept flailing and trying to move my body. I couldn't get any control. It's like I was watching myself fight back.
"Someone contact her family immediately!! Nurse, get some sedatives. Someone hold down her arms!"
I finally managed to pry open my eyes. The room was white, everyone was dressed in white. I saw myself wrenching my arms away from the strangers. My mind told me to panic. 'where am I??' I thought to myself again. 'Stay away from me!'
I think I started crying right about then, but I wasn't sure. I kept on screaming, or trying to make out words which were choked my by sobs. 'Haru! Haru! Where are you?!' I thought desperately. People were running in and out of the room, they looked terrified, or maybe nervous. 'Someone help me!'
"Calm down miss! Everything is alright.'
The unfamiliar voice came again, but I would have none of it. There was shouting of orders and people running in and out of the room. My head was going to explode. 'Get me out of here'
Hatsuharu's Point of View
I woke up to the sound of confusion. I heard people shouting and this strange kind of screech. The nurses that ran up and down the halls looked almost extremely terrified or extremely anxious.
"Someone get the Sohma family!" and that's when it hit me. 'Tohru!'
I jumped from my seat and started running. Down the hall way. Right, left, another right, till I was outside of her room. The door was open, and I could hear the unearthly screech coming from her room. As I got closer and closer I could hear all the shouting coming from there.
"Get the sedatives! Someone hold her down! No! Don't hurt her imbeciles!"
' What the hell are they doing to her?!' I let black Haru emerge.
I pushed all the nurses crowded around the bed to I could clearly see her. Her eyes were wild. Her face contorted by fear. She was struggling against the hold of the nurses, flailing her arms and legs, pushing them back away from her. She looked almost like a caged, frightened animal. The doctor caught sight of me in relief.
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER?!" I screamed in his face, grabbing him by the collar.
"N-n-nothing! I swear! Everything's new to her again. She can't get control of her body, fear has completely taken over her!" The doctor stammered. I dropped him to the floor and walked over to her bedside. The nurses where still trying to get a hold of her. Bruises on her upper arms were beginning to form from the effort to keep her down. Tohru, what has happened to you?
"DON'T TOUCH HER." I shouted loud enough to be heard over her screams. The nurses backed away uncertainly, a few of them had scratches on them from Tohru's attempt to get away. Tohru had stopped flailing, only enough to get air. I held her down to the bed, trying to get eye contact with her. She regarded me with strange wild eyes. She made no recognition of me and tried equally as hard to get out of my grip as the nurses.
"Tohru! Stop!" I heard myself shout at her. She shook her head, her tears flowing down her cheeks. She kept going at it. Pushing, shoving, hitting, the nurses came back again trying to hold her down with me.
"Try talking to her. She needs something familiar to calm her down!" The doctor said over all the commotion.
"Tohru please! It's me, Haru!" I tried again. This time she slowed down, her eyes becoming clearer. I saw a spark of recognition in her eyes. Her movements became less and less, and her breathing became shallow. Her eyes, which look bulged out from the lack of nourishment, looked me up and down. Trying to figure out something, but couldn't. She looked confused and scared.
She tried to speak, or say something, but all that came out was a screech, as if she had lost all ability to speak, or forgotten exactly how to speak. She had stopped moving now, just slightly shaking. She backed up all the way to the plastic back board of the bed, and looked around frightened. Everyone had let go of her by now, but some of the newer nurses were still spooked.
I tried coming closer to her, but she shrunk back even further, but her whimper of fear, was what hurt me the most. I drew back in defeat. She covered her face with her hands, and blocked us all from out view. The doctor cleared his voice behind me, and I turned to face him. The nurses were trying to sweet talk her out of it. Coaxing her to lay back down. She just stayed there against the wall as if their eyes burned through her.
"I think it's best that you don't see this." He said knowingly. And for once, I listened to a doctor. I started heading out slowly, as if I was walking away from her again. I reached the door to her room, and slightly leaned against it before starting to walk out.
Without turning around I could hear Tohru's screeching. Her words getting messed up in her throat. I couldn't will myself to leave the room, but seeing her like this hurt. Hurt in way a that I've never felt before. It was worse that watching her lay in a bed for the past two months.
"Shit! Don't let her walk!" I heard the doctor scream from behind me. The nurses were shouting too, I heard something hit the medical cabinet, then fall into one of the trays I could hear something scuttling around the room, but I couldn't will myself to turn around and look.
"Get her back in the bed!"
I started to walk out of the door way, then I felt something attach onto my leg. Someone was grabbing at me. Throwing all their weight onto me, which admittedly, wasn't much at all. I looked down, almost terrified at to what I would find. It was Tohru. Her tears were coming out free flow as she clutched onto my leg for dear life.
"H-h-haruuo!" she tried to speak my name. She tried again, but all that came out were her screeches. I looked around and everyone was in shock, the sliding trays were all overturned, things from the medicine cabinet were on the ground, and the doctor was looking quite surprised.
Without even thinking, I picked her up in my arms, and just held her there. Letting her crying, letting her hit me, letting her stay close to me. I felt my eyes water as I held her in my arms. She kept on trying to speak, but screeches were all she could manage, I smoothed down her hair, and rubbed her back, all the while whispering comforting words to her.
"D-d-duoont leavahve." She tried to speak. Her voice becoming choked and her hair sticked to the sides of her face.
"Shhh, it's okay. It's alright. I'm right here with you." I said softly into her hair. The doctor silently gestured for me to lay her down on the bed, but she wouldn't let go of my shirt. The doctor sighed, and pointed to one of the couch chairs that were in the room, and I settled down in one with her in my lap.
The doctor whispered orders to the nurses, and one of them came out with a needle filled with sedatives. They gave her a dose and I could feel her dead weight on me. The doctor came over and took her heart rate and nodded. They went through other procedures with her still in my lap. She stayed there until she got to sleep, then the doctor short of ordered me to put her in the bed.
As soon as I was sure she was alright, I quietly headed into the hallway with the doctor.
"As you can see, there were some problems in he awakening." I narrowed my eyes. 'Stupid bastard.' I thought.
"She is having some voice box problems, from not being able to use them for so long, and her legs aren't' showing much sign of working in her control. What I mean to say is, that they are working, but she can't remember how to use them." I regarded him with cold eyes.
"These things will come back to her as normal though, just think of her as a new born, she has to learn to do everything all over again. When she's fully comprehensive, we'll be able to find out what she doesn't remember and what she does. But it is apparent, that she does remember you. You were close with her, am I right?"
"Yes." I murmured, trying to catch a glimpse of her through the window in the door.
"I'll leave you to her then. There's a button beside her bed, press it if anything happens." Was all he said before walking away. I walked back into her room and pulled up a chair by her bed, like I've done so many times before. I held on of her hands, and I felt her lightly grip it back this time, unlike the other many times before.
And for the first time in a long time, I smiled.
Comments? Likie? No likie? How'd it turn out? I've been waiting for a really long time to actually write this part. Please review. Because if you do, I'll try to write the next chapter (which is possibly the next to last chapter) really soon.