He sat in the mess hall, staring down out the window at the world he had lived on for seven years. It had felt like home when Kathryn was alive, but now, despite raising the twins there, it had become just a place he lived. Every day he had looked to the sky, hoping that day would be the one they were rescued. Now, he looked down at New Earth with a grudging respect, and a silent thank you that it may have saved Kathryn. Or not, depending if the Doctor could cure the virus.

The news had spread rapidly. After sobbing on the floor of his quarters, Chakotay decided he needed to pull himself together and do what he could to help Kathryn. He immediately brought the twins to sickbay, hauling them into the Doctor's office before they could even catch a glimpse of Kathryn. The Doctor took blood samples from all three of them, and then he brought them back to Gretchen. She had already heard that her daughter might be alive, but she wisely chose not to discuss it with Chakotay. He knew that she could read his state of mind, and knew it was best that he not talk about it right now. She was oddly perceptive in that way, just as her daughter had been.

He knew she would keep an eye on them until they had news, and he had every intention of brooding in his quarters when he realized that his stomach was empty, and it was making him nauseous. He could have eaten in his quarters, but they suddenly felt confining. So, ignoring any strange looks thrown his way he headed for the mess hall.

B'Elanna found him there an hour later, a half empty plate in front of him and a tumbler of clear liquid in his hands. He was staring down, thinking. He didn't even look up when she sat down.

She took the glass out of his hand and sniffed it. She wrinkled her nose. "What the hell is this?"

"Vodka."

She raised her eyebrows. "Where did you get it?"

He sighed and looked up at her, resigned to having to have a conversation. "Neelix. He just poured me a glass and walked away. He said it was courtesy of Tom Paris."

She smirked. "I wasn't aware Tom had a stash onboard. I'll have to speak to him about it."

"It's not like you can have any."

"That's very cute. Thanks." She took one of his hands in hers. "How are you doing?"

"I'm really not doing well, B'Elanna. I don't think I can watch her die again." He lowered his head so she wouldn't see his tears. "Maybe I should have just buried her in the first place." He mumbled.

B'Elanna's grip on his hand became painful and he gasped. "Don't you ever let me hear you say that again," she growled in a low voice. "She might live. And if she does, you can have a life with her, with her and your children. They might know their mother."

"Might," he spat at her. "I can't tell you how tired I am of hearing that word. Kathryn might live, we might find a cure, Voyager might come back for her, might, might, might, might!" he tore his hand from B'Elanna's. "Don't talk to me of might's, B'Elanna. You were able to go home and find love and live a normal life with your husband and child. What did I get?"

"Normal?" she hissed. "Do you think any of our lives have been normal? Forget the fact that I started out as a half Klingon outcast, and became a rebel fighter wanted by Starfleet. Ignore that I ended up on the other side of the galaxy with a crew who I would have just as soon killed as worked with. Dismiss me falling in love with a man I once would have thrown out an airlock. Do you have any idea what it was like, when we got home? The only reason we weren't imprisoned was because Starfleet needed us to fight their little war. You don't know the things we saw, Chakotay. It made being in the Maquis look like a picnic on Risa. I saw a lot of good people die. I had to come up with more ingenious solutions for warp core breeches than I ever thought possible. The day I found out I was pregnant – the first time - was the day I learned of my mother's death onboard a freighter which was blown to bits by the Cardassians. She was coming to see me, Chakotay. We hadn't spoken since I returned home, and we were finally going to see each other again. And do you know what happened to that baby I was pregnant with? Voyager was listed as destroyed in a major battle by Deep Space Six. Tom wasn't there for the birth, Chakotay. I had been on leave for a month, and I gave birth to him – alone – on Earth. He was two hours old when they came to tell me that my husband was dead."

"He? I thought you had a daught-"

"Do you know where Tom was, Chakotay? He was onboard a Cardassian battle cruiser that Voyager was hiding from. He and ten other crewmembers had been captured. Voyager laid low for weeks in order to get them back. My son was three months dead before his father returned home, Chakotay. And he wasn't the same man he was when I left Voyager for my maternity leave. The Tom Paris you see now is not the carefree man you knew seven years ago. He hardly ever jokes anymore. In fact, sometimes I wish we were still in the Delta Quadrant. Then maybe my son wouldn't have died."

"How did he die?" he asked quietly.

"He died during the attack on San Francisco. There were complications during the birth – that's why I went on maternity leave early. It had been a very difficult pregnancy. They might have been able to save him, under normal circumstances. But a battle was going on around us, and they couldn't spare the energy or manpower to deal with birthing issues. So you see, you weren't the only one who suffered. And even if Captain Janeway doesn't make it, be thankful you still have your children. Because in those three months that I thought I was a widow, all I could think was that if my son were alive, maybe I wouldn't feel so much like ending my own life."

He grasped her hand again. "I am so sorry I wasn't there to help you through that. I should have been there for you. Someone should have been."

She smiled weakly. "I had friends in San Francisco who helped me. Tom's mother and sisters were there for me, as well. And I also had the distraction of a city falling apart around me to occupy my thoughts. It was a nightmare. But once Tom was home, I was able to put away the rage I had inside me. We mourned together. And then we had Miral." She patted her stomach. "And now we have this little guy."

"It's a boy?"

"Yes. And while he'll never replace my son, we are truly thankful. I haven't had an easy time, Chakotay. And I would never classify my life as normal. But if something happened to my husband, I would be grateful for the time I had with him, and I would be with my children instead of pitying myself and drowning my sorrows in Vodka." She stood up. "Go to your children, Chakotay. I think you'll want the comfort of them being near when you know for sure what will happen with the Captain. And I can imagine her mother will need some support from the last person to know her daughter." She offered him one last sympathetic smile, then she left.

He gazed after her, marveling at the change in her. She was much more soft spoken than he remembered. It suddenly occurred to him that as it was with Kathryn, more years had passed since he saw B'Elanna than years he had known her. It had been seven years. Of course she would be different.

He felt like a clod. Naturally, he couldn't have known what she had gone through, but her life had been far more devastating than his. He couldn't imagine losing one of his children. Sighing, he realized B'Elanna was right. Kathryn might not live, but really, she was dead to him already anyway. He had never physically buried her, but he hadn't much of a choice other than to bury her in his heart. And while the pain had never gone away, and never would, even if she didn't live it wouldn't change his life anyway. She had already been dead for five years.

And B'Elanna was right about another thing. His children needed him, and he needed them. And Gretchen needed all of them. She had come here expecting to find her daughter and instead, she had found grandchildren brought about by tragedy and a continuing saga where her daughter was concerned. How she was holding up was beyond him.

Opting not to drain the last of the Vodka, he brought it to the galley and set it down in front of Neelix, who raised a questioning eyebrow. "Thank you Neelix, but I won't be needing this." He smiled. "I'm going to go be with my family."