As he walked the ship to his quarters, he thought about a lot of things. Tuvok told him earlier that there was a place for him in Starfleet if he should decide to return, and Tom had even offered to step down as First Officer. But the thing was, he didn't hold a claim on that position anymore. And frankly this wasn't Kathryn's ship, not now. There was no place for either of them here. Seven years was a long time.

B'Elanna had once been one of his best friends, and he would always be fond of her, but he wondered if they could be best friends again. So much had changed, for both of them. She wasn't the young angry woman he remembered. No one was the same, and he really hadn't expected them to be. But it was sad. Even Harry Kim, who had been so young and had worshiped Kathryn, even he had aged and changed. He could see the toll of the war they fought written on everyone's faces. Yes, he had lost Kathryn, but he had lifted in relative peace all these years. He must remember that. And he must also remember that with all they went through, this crew still came to bring them home.

He smiled as he entered his quarters to see Kathryn and Edward passed out on the couch. Their faces were smudged with something dark and some of it was even in Kathryn's hair. Puzzled, glanced around for Gretchen, and saw her sitting at a table near the window with a PADD in her hand.

"Gretchen?" he said softly.

She jumped, looking up at him. "Oh! You startled me."

He sat down. "Sorry. What are you reading?"

She waved the PADD. "Kathryn's logs. Harry rooted them out of the things you brought up with you for me. I hope you don't mind."

"Why would I? I never read them, but she's your daughter. If anyone should have the right, you should."

"When Voyager came home, I was given access to her logs until you were stranded here. They were very informative, and learning of my daughter's life on Voyager helped soften the blow of not getting her back." She took a deep breath. "I can't tell you what an awful time that was."

He remembered what B'Elanna had said, and he knew that Gretchen was hurting terribly over all this. "I'd like to hear about it, of you want to talk about it." He said kindly.

"Oh, there's so much to say. So much has happened since then. But I'll tell you, Voyager returned home to a mess of a Federation. Starfleet was in an uproar. All those years of relative peace had left them ill prepared for the hostilities yet to come. Life was not pleasant, Chakotay. The Dominion War was starting to make a mess, Voyager's status had recently been changed from just missing to lost, and to top it all off, my daughter Phoebe decided it was time for us to put away all of Kathryn's things. I couldn't do it again. It was hard enough losing my husband, but to be fair, we did have a very full lifetime together. Not nearly as long as I would have liked, but our children were adults when he died, at least. He was in his fifties, and while that's still fairly young, it's also still a decent run, I suppose. I was able to accept it. Kathryn couldn't, not at first. Phoebe was the only one who could make her snap out of it. I had hoped she would leave Starfleet after that. Oh, of course I was proud of her. But I didn't want to have to worry anymore. I was tired of worrying. And then she switched to command,. Can you imagine? After what happened to her father, she decided to follow in his footsteps. The night she left to take Voyager to the Badlands, I couldn't sleep at all. I just had a feeling, I guess. To be honest, I wasn't really surprised when a pair of nameless Starfleet Security officers showed up to escort me to headquarters. Did they think I wouldn't know right away?" she scoffed. "The same exact thing happened when Edward died. Two security officers came to escort me to headquarters, then to Starfleet Medical, where Kathryn was. This time, though, I was coming away with no one. Admiral Hayes told me there what had happened. In a way, it was a relief. I had been waiting for the other shoe to drop for years. I kept waiting for Kathryn to die. Now, I wouldn't have to wait anymore."

"So you thought she was dead?"

"Not at first, not really. But then a few weeks went by and there was no sign of Voyager. I tried to accept it. After all, I had always been afraid of this happening. But the thing is, Kathryn dying was different that Edward dying. Kathryn had a life ahead of her. She was so young, Chakotay. And she was my firstborn little girl. I didn't handle it at all the way I did when Edward died. I started hounding Owen Paris, begging him to do something more, anything more to find them. He was having a hard time too, though,. He and Tom had never reconciled after Tom was booted out of Starfleet. It seemed as though he had run out of chances where his son was concerned. We both hung on to hope as long as we could. After all, no debris had been found. Where had the ship gone, if there was no debris?" she sighed. "But even we had to eventually give up hope. So Voyager was declared officially lost, and Phoebe came over to help me sort out Kathryn's things. Mark – Kathryn's fiancé – moved on. Everyone moved on. It was a tragic thing that happened, but there was no sign from her for over two years, closer to three, really. One day, I went to bed realizing that I hadn't thought of Kathryn all day. The rest of the night I spent weeping. But it was true, I was moving on."

He placed his hand over hers and squeezed it. "She wouldn't have wanted you to mourn forever."

"I know that. And I also told myself that Kathryn signed up for this sort of life. She knew the risks, and she knew that her life in Starfleet could mean her death. But I had lost my husband and my daughter. It was too much for one family." She took a breath. "Then, the impossible happened. Owen came to see me one day, his eyes glazed and his face pale. He was trembling. We sat down in the kitchen, and he told me that Starfleet Command received a transmission from Voyager that morning. I couldn't believe it. He told me what had happened, about the Caretaker and the Delta Quadrant. Then he took my hand and I couldn't believe how sad he was. Why should he be sad, if Voyager was home? But then, he told me that Kathryn wasn't home with her."

"I'm sorry. That couldn't have been easy."

"No, it wasn't. Why did everyone else get to welcome their loved ones home, and I couldn't? Well, of course it wasn't everyone else. There were quite a few families who were going through what I was. But none of them had to live with the fact that Voyager returned home mere months after their loved one was lost. Months, Chakotay. If Voyager hadn't stopped at the planet, you and Kathryn would have made it home with the rest of the crew."

"I thought the same thing myself. But who knows what would have happened? For all we know, Kathryn and I being on board could have changed things for the worse. We might still be in the Delta Quadrant." He sighed. "But then, she might still be alive."

"Maybe. With the way I heard things had been going, I have my doubts. Voyager might have been destroyed by now. I kept trying to tell myself things like that, telling myself at least she was alive. I found some measure of comfort speaking with the families whose loved ones hadn't come home. They had mourned when Voyager was officially lost, and now they were mourning again that Voyager was home but their loved ones weren't. Melissa Cavit, for example, came to see me during that time. She became engaged a few months before, and she was distraught. She asked me if it was wrong to be relieved that her husband was dead. I didn't know what to tell her."

"I'm afraid I didn't meet Commander Cavit."

She smiled. "No, but from what I understand, you took his place well enough." She stared out the window in silence for a moment. "Tuvok came to see me, and he explained to me what had happened in greater detail. So I knew she was alive, but the chances of me seeing her again were almost non-existent. She was marooned on a planet in a hostile quadrant with one other person: the man she had been sent to capture."

He smirked. "Oh, she captured me, all right."

"I can see that. But I was terrified. I didn't understand about the way things were on Voyager. All I knew was that my daughter was stranded with a known terrorist. I was convinced you had killed her as soon as Voyager left orbit. I'm afraid I didn't give you the benefit of the doubt, Chakotay."

"You had no reason to. I understand."

"Well, it was your charming friend B'Elanna who finally helped me understand that Kathryn would be fine with you."

He was surprised. "Really?"

"Yes. She came to see me, as well. The Maquis from Voyager had been pardoned, the debriefings hasty. Things with the Cardassians were going to hell pretty quickly, and Starfleet needed able bodied officers. She came to see me the day before Voyager left Earth. I was wary of her at first. But we had a long talk about everything. She told me in detail about everything that happened after Voyager was brought here. She told me about Kathryn, and how she looked up to her. How Kathryn had changed her life by giving her a chance to prove herself instead of judging her by which side she had been on. She told me about you and Kathryn, Chakotay. From day one, she said, you expected the Maquis to be loyal to Kathryn. You expected them to make the merging of the crews easier. She said you and Kathryn became very close in the two years you served together. She said you were friends."

"We were." He whispered.

"B'Elanna said you were a kind, warm hearted man, a man who had joined the Maquis not because you were looking for a fight, but because you were looking to prove that the Cardassian's needed to be stopped. And you were right. All the Maquis were right. And the Federation paid a huge price for their ignorance. The loss of life was horrifying. B'Elanna was nervous before she left. She was worried about the days to come. But still, she felt the need to reassure me. She said I should never worry, that Kathryn was with a man who would lay down his life for her."

"I wish I could have."

"I wish the same for myself. I spent these years wondering about my daughter. Was she alive? Was she happy?"

"She was happy," he said, his voice choked. "For as long as we had here together, I promise you she was happy."

"I believe you." Now she squeezed his hand in reassurance. "I refused to accept that she was going to live out her life here, away from her family. I lit a fire under the asses of Starfleet Medical, I stayed in constant contact with B'Elanna. I knew that when she was in Sector 001 – although it was rare when she was – that she was involved with S.E.C. in developing a transwarp drive and conduit. Starfleet had the idea during the war that developing a drive to get them further into the galaxy might mean finding allies who could help them defeat the Dominion."

Chakotay snorted. "They wouldn't have found that here. We managed to piss off everyone we met. The Delta Quadrant is hostile, Gretchen. We rarely met a species that wasn't aggressive and antagonistic."

"That's what most of your crew said, but not to Command. Your crew didn't care what Starfleet's reasons were for developing propulsion. All they cared was that you two would be rescued. If they fudged the truth a bit about the opportunities for allies out here…welllll…."

He smirked. "How…Starfleet of them."

"No, how loyal of them. They fought bravely in the war, but for quite a few of them, the priority was getting you two back. At least, at first." She looked down at her hand. "It wasn't an easy war, Chakotay."

"When did it end?"

"A few months after the attack on Earth, about four years ago, I suppose. Tom was a Cardassian prisoner until the war ended, did you know that?"

"B'Elanna told me. I did wonder why he looked so…beaten."

"I suppose she told you about the baby, too?" He nodded. "It was a terrible time. I think the only reason B'Elanna didn't go insane was because she was always busy. Reconstruction of San Francisco took every helping hand. But the war had been over for a few weeks before she got word that Tom was alive." She closed her eyes briefly. "Owen – Admiral Owen Paris – begged his son to leave Starfleet. Can you imagine? An admiral encouraging his son to leave! He said it just wasn't worth it anymore. Too many times had Tom cheated death, and Owen feared that one day, his luck was going to run out. But Tom couldn't leave, not yet." She smiled softly. "He had to find you two, first."

"Mission accomplished." Chakotay said bitterly.

"Oh, Chakotay. She could make it. The Doctor is literally the best doctor in the galaxy."

"This might be beyond even his expertise. It's just been too much, Gretchen. I feel like my life has been made up of one loss after another. How can I lose her twice?" he shook his head in disgust. "Listen to me. What about you? How can you lose her three times? It's too much."

"I'll get through it. If she doesn't make it, nothing has changed from what it was a few hours ago. And if she does, then we'll welcome her home. We'll introduce her to her beautiful children. You and she will get married and live the rest of your lives together on a nice little farm in Indiana, where I can visit and spoil my grandchildren rotten. And neither one of you will have anything to do with Starfleet ever again."

He grinned. "I wouldn't bet on that. Have you met your daughter?"

"I'm the grandmother, I have free reign to make rules as I see fit." She laughed softly. "No matter what, you will always have family on Earth with us. If there is no hope for Kathryn, we will have our memories of her, and we'll tell the children. And in that way, she'll never truly be gone."

"I just…I just always run that day in my mind, over and over again. Was there something I could have done differently? Did I cause the infection somehow? I made sure everything was clean, but was I careless in some way? It eats away at me."

"Don't let it. You were the only one there to act as a medic, and you're not a doctor, are you? No, you're not. If you were, then you could feel free to blame yourself. You did everything you could. I know that if you could have ripped your heart from your chest and put it in hers, you would have. It would have been messy, but…" she trailed off as he smiled. "See, there's that beautiful smile my daughter fell in love with. Come on, Chakotay. Don't wallow. Focus on the good things you have." She gestured towards the couch where the twins slept.

"How can you be so calm about this? I envy your composure."

"Serve as the wife of an Admiral for long enough and you, too, can develop it. I hear Admiral Shaw is single." She raised an eyebrow. "Would you like me to put in a good word with him?"

"I'll pass." He leaned over and hugged her. "Thank you, Gretchen. No matter what happens, I'm relieved we'll have each other to turn to."

"Of course we will."

"Now tell me," he leaned back smirked. "What is in my children's hair, and why are they passed out like that? Did you drug them?"

She laughed. "Hardly. I brought a batch of caramel brownies for Kathryn. You should see her when she eats them. It's disturbing to see that tiny frame inhale food like that. Her children are no different. They attacked those brownies and got them everywhere, then passed out from exhaustion. They sure are energetic."

"You have no idea. You may change your mind about wanting us to live nearby."

She opened her mouth to respond, but Chakotay's combadge chose that moment to chirp.

"Sickbay to Commander Chakotay,"

TBC

Send me many reviews ands maybe I'll be nicer next time hahaha. Don't worry, we're getting close! If you have anything you'd like to see here (except KJ alive; I KNOW you want that) speak now or forever hold your peace.

BTW, if I messed up on the Dominion War a little, forgive me. Most of the info for that was on DS9, and I've seen maybe three DS9 episodes.