1Sorry for the wait, guys! Writer's block.
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Chapter 3: Of Purple Bananas and Traffic Jams
After we got Charlie's clothes back on and got outside, we were horrified to find out our car was jammed between two other cars.
"Well, this sucks." Ermmett commented. He clasped his hands together. "Cover me. I'm gonna move this car sideways."
Jasper and I watched with growing anxiety. Once the car was in the middle of the street, I rushed into the drivers' seat with Emmett, Jasper, and Charlie in the backseat.
"Me sexy!" Charlie exclaimed in a slurred voice. He sighed, open-mouthed against Jasper's face.
Jasper gagged and pushed Charlie away. "Why isn't he sitting up front?"
"Because I need you two to keep him in line until we get home." I replied. I turned a corner sharply, heard a gagging sound and Emmett yelling out.
"SICK! OH WOW!" Emmett yelled. "MOTHER-"
Emmett! What the hell just happened?" I asked urgently.
"Charlie just threw up all over me!"
"Well, that's what you freaking get for getting him drunk!" I replied, laughing. Emmett growled and punched my headrestm causing me to slam my forehead against the wheel. "Ow! God! Nice hook..."
Jasper snorted with laughter. "He got you good there, Eddie!"
"Can it, hick!" I shot back.
Emmett burst out laughing. "'Hick', oh my God..."
"Why are you purple, Mr. Banana?" Charlie giggled, still slurred.
Jasper and Emmett just stared at Charlie. "...Ok, then."
Once we reached the freeway, there was a big traffic jam waiting for us.
"Oh, come on!" I groaned.
Charlie apparently looked out the window.. "Wow...pretty lights! It's Christmastime!"
"Not yet, Charlie." I told him.
He ignored me. "The moon! It's full!" He then, proceeded to fart and burp.
Both my brothers and I groaned in disgust.
"Can't you go any faster?" Jasper complained.
"We're in a traffic jam, genius." I said back. "I couldn't even if I tried!"
"Oh, fine!"
After about a half hour, we were going slightly less slower than before. "God, finally."
"Don't worry, pretty lady, I'm sure we'll get home soon." Charlie again said drunkenly.
Jasper snickered. "Edward's a lady..."
"And Alice is going to kill you." I shot back.
"Wow, I didn't think blackmailing was one of your traits, Ed." Emmett commented.
"Oh, shut up!" I shot back. I just pulled onto another street and going faster.
"Can we please open up a window?" Jasper asked. "It reeks in here!"
"Fine..." I pushed the button to open up the skylight and pushed all of the butons to open the other windows.
"Finally! Air!" Jasper stuck his head out his window and sighed in relief.
Charlie then stood up on the seat and poked his head and torso out of the skylight. "Weeeeeeeee! I'm flying!"
I grew worried. "Guys!"
"Uh, Charlie, I think you should get down from there..." Emmett said loudly.
Charlie apparently ignored Emmett's suggestion and whooped loudly. "Excelsior!"
I was speeding toward a low bridge. Emmett grabbed Charlie and pulled him down before he hit the bridge. Charlie giggled and leaned against Emmett.
"That was close." Emmett said.
I would've gotten to the highway faster if it weren't for the car in front of me. I sighed and waited.
"What the hell?" Emmett questioned. "Who's the retard driving that car?!"
I looked closely at the person driving the car in front of me. "That would be Carlisle."
"What the hell is Carlisle doing driving out here?"
"He works at this thing called a hospital, Emmy." I rolled my eyes.
Jasper chuckled. "He got you there, Em."
I sighed resigningly. I did not want Carlisle to know that Jasper, Emmett, and I got Charlie drunk. He'll be upset. So, I just drove around him, hoping he won't see who is in the car, and sped up.
"Edward, we just passed the Swan's." Emmett said.
"We're not going to the Swan's." I replied. "We're taking Charlie to our house."
"Why?"
"Because I tread too many horror stories about drunks who hit their kids or wives."
"So? Charlie would never hurt Bella!" Jasper protested.
"Never say never, Jazz."
"Whatever."
"Hey, that rhymes!" Emmett exclaimed.
XXX
We got to the house and dragged a passed-out Charlie into the house. Carlisle followed immediately and got out of his car.
"What did you guys do?" He asked. "And why did you bring him here?"
"Jasper and Emmett got Charlie drunk," I began to explain. "And I didn't want to take him to his house just in case he acts out of drunken...ness."
"You realize Charlie's going to be mad, don't you?" Carlisle folded his arms.
"Well...yeah." Jasper admitted.
Carlisle just sighed and shook his head. We brought Charlie inside the house and weere met with Rosalie, Esme, and Alice. They were giving us scolding expressions and folding their arms.
"Edward, what did you do?" Alice asked. "Bella's gonna be pissed!"
"Emmett and Jasper did it!" I exclaimed nervously.
Charlie woke up and groaned. "My head hurts." He looked around and stumbled in front of Alice. "Who lit Alice on fire?"
Carlisle just took his arm and pulled him away. "All right, Charlie, let's get you to bed."
Emmett and Jasper glared at me. Alice just sighed and pulled out her phone before it buzzed.
"Hello? Bella! Hey...oh. Well...your dad's here...the boys got him driunk." Alice's eyes widened and she pulled the phone away from her ear just as I heard Bella's voice screaming...
"EDWARD CULLEN!"
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MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean, poor Edward. :P