Jack: Now, you can all go for your lavatory break, and we'll start our meeting in thirty minutes sharp, savvy?
Will: Wow, Jack. I didn't know that you knew all about this corporate mumbo jumbo. Where did you learn it from?
Jack: Ask Becky about it. (grins)
Beckett: Hey, if I tell you all about that now, there'll be no fun in watching the third movie, now will there be?
Barbossa: Trust me, whelp—Jack did not run Black Pearl Inc. very efficiently. Why did you think we mutinied against him? Bad management, lousy pay, not enough overtime…at least, not enough paid overtime…
Jack: What, you think you ran it better? Look where most of your crew ended up!
James: A short drop and sudden stop. Hey, it rhymes! I just noticed that! Of course, I was the one that created it…hey, if the whole Navy thing doesn't work out for me, I can always be a poet, eh?
Beckett: That's it. I'm selling my Black Pearl shares. I thought it was such a good investment for the East India Trading Companytoo. Instead, I'll buy some Flying Dutchman shares, since they're very low right now. (looks around) Oops, you didn't hear that.
(Davy Jones growls, and mutters a death threat under his breath.)
Jack: Oi! Please, no killing—for now. Who'll watch the third movie if somebody dies outside of the movie? I invested heavily in the third one, you know! Said to be one of the highest grossing movies of all time, and all that. Now…go for your break. I need some rum. (sighs)
(During the break, some went to sell their Black Pearl shares, or bought some shares of Flying Dutchman Inc. and of the third PotC movie (the author also wished to buy the movie shares, but was quite unable to since she's not canon. Tough luck.). Some took an actual lavatory break, some refilled their drinks, some checked their mail (no, not e-mail, just some mail from some messenger, or minions such as Mercer), some plotted world domination, and others retouched their wigs.)
(Thirty minutes later, everyone resumed their positions.)
Jack: Whose turn is it next?
Will: Before anyone else gets started, I wanted to ask you something, Jack. Why did you hit me with an oar in the second movie?
Jack: Is that not obvious? To get back at you for CotBP!
Will: In that case, can I get back at you by betraying you multiple times?
James: Could I commandeer your ship/boat then? Not that you have one at the moment…
Barbossa: Could I shoot you, then?
Jack: Hey, hey, hey! This is no time for revenge! Doesn't anybody remember our purpose here?
Ragetti: To show the glory of God and serve others?
Pintel: Ragetti, have you been pretending to read the Bible again?
Elizabeth: (rolls eyes) Guys will always be guys. I'll start, then. I have something to complain about what happened to my character in DMC...or what didn't happen, actually. Why didn't I get my wedding?
Jack: So that you could kiss me. (grinned)
Will: Yes, because I'm sure that a woman being married has stopped you before, Jack.
James: Oh God, here we go again…
Elizabeth: Oh yes, not having a wedding is my only complaint. (smiles) I was happy I got to kiss two of the hottest guys around here.
James: But not me. I was even your official fiancé, once!
Elizabeth: Hey, if I knew you could look hot being scruffy, I would have kissed you too. I'm into scruffy, piratey guys, or blacksmiths. Aboard the Black Pearl, I might have kissed you too, but Jack was around, and he was more obvious in showing his interest in me.
(Will looks more heartbroken than before—if that's possible. The beta of this story feels increasingly sorry for him.)
James: I rest my case.
Elizabeth: I didn't even need to wear that horrible corset again, and got to kick some ass! I think I'm the one who got the best deal in the second movie…you know, except for the feeling of guilt at the end…
James: Talking about guilt, you're not the only one. I took the heart and gave it to Beckett! I thought that was a good idea at the time…but since then, I keep feeling uncomfortable…but that could just be from the lice I picked up from on the Black Pearl.
Jack: There is no lice in the Black Pearl! Are you really so hell-bent on dropping the share prices? It's your fault that Black Pearl Inc. was destroyed and I, the chairman, might be dead!
James: Hey, how was I supposed to know that the Kraken was going to attack your boat? I actually gave you some help by leading Davy Jones's crew from Elizabeth, so you and your crew could get aboard your boat—
Jack: Ship, not boat.
James: Whatever. I just wanted my position as Commodore back—and you were guilty of destroying it at the first place. I might as well continue with my complaints about DMC since my list is so long, I suppose...
One of Davy Jones's crew that's slow on the uptake: (glares at James) Wait a minute, it was you who took the heart! And you were pretending that the heart was in the chest, and I thought you were scared, and returned the chest before running away! I should have killed you then and there…
James: Well, it seems that I've discovered a new talent, once again. If I can't become a poet, I can always become an actor…
Will: Hey, after that three-way swordfight, I have a share in that heart as well! You took it, just like that! Wait…what was the point of the fight, again? Who won, anyway?
James: Hey, Jack would have done the same thing. Remember, that he persuaded me to attack you, and he himself tried to sneak away with the key! As for the point of the fight…I don't really remember. As for who won, I'm not sure about that, either, but it definitely wasn't Jack, since he got out early to try to hide the heart.
Jack: Couldn't help myself, mate. Pirate. (grins)
(The author, at this point, thought that Jack had grinned too much throughout this story but by then couldn't stop him.)
Will: I really have to get back at you two. (glares at Jack and James) For Jack, I kinda expected him to be all piratey. However, the ex-commodore was more piratey than me in DMC! Norrington, are you sure that both of your parents weren't pirates? I'm only half a pirate, you know; my mum wasn't a pirate, so if both of your parents are, then you have more pirate's blood than I do…which would then explain a lot…
James: Absolutely not, Turner. If both of my parents were pirates, do you think I'd then still be so hell-bent on hunting them all down?
Jack: Gee, I dunno, mate. You might be a psycho or something. Anyway, we're off track again…at this rate, this meeting will be over only after the third movie is out. Who's next?
James: Oh yes, I was about to tell about my complaints before the interruption. Where should I begin? (sighs). In the first movie, I seemed to make calculated moves, and did not rush into things. And then suddenly, I became all emotional and wanted to catch Sparrow, and sailed through a hurricane! I still don't understand why I did that…
Jack: First of all, that's Captain Sparrow, to you. Oh, don't look at me like that; I will have my ship back, soon. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy? As for the reason as to why you became so stupid, blame the rum, mate. That always works.
James: Thanks, Captain Sparrow. I never thought I'd ever say a genuine 'thanks' to a pirate, but I guess that now I can. Blame the rum. I like that. Oh, and speaking of "blaming the rum", I remember about Gibbs now! I was a chapter behind him!
Gibbs (one of the two rum addicts mentioned earlier in this tale): (suddenly jumps up) What ex-commodore? Why am I suddenly in this conversation?
James: As usual, you weren't listening, Mr. Gibbs. I wasn't talking to you, I just mentioned your name.
Gibbs: Okay…I'll just continue to doze off, then.
James: When I said my life was a chapter behind Gibbs, I didn't mean it was a chapter behind through the whole book, but apparently it went that way, anyway. Not only did I lose my commission, I also became a drunk! On top of that, I also joined the crew of the Black Pearl, just like him. I don't know, did he subconsciously become my idol, or something? Why did I follow in his footsteps?
Ragetti: How did you know that Gibbs went to compete in Caribbean Idol?
Pintel: Yeah, that's supposed to be a secret!
Jack: Oh shut up, both of you. That is not what he meant. I wouldn't worry 'bout it too much anyway, Norry…there's worse footsteps to follow in. Like Becky's!
Beckett: Do not keep calling me Becky. And hey, why am I worse than Gibbs?
(Jack and the rest of Becky's haters snigger, and plot for his downfall.)
Beckett: Fine, don't answer me…
James: May I continue?
Jack: Of course, anyone but Becky is always welcome.
(Beckett stares pointedly at Jack.)
James: I followed Gibbs's path very closely until the end of the metaphorical book. I even woke up in the pigsty, but until now I didn't remember how I ended up there.
Gillette: Oh, sir. It was because Miss Swann hit you on the head with a bottle, remember? She even admitted to it, "I just wanted the pleasure of doing that myself!"
James: How do you know this? You weren't even there! Great, not only did I follow Gibbs's footsteps, I also followed Captain Sparrow's footsteps and got hit in the head with a bottle!
Jack: Well, you'll never go wrong, following in my footsteps! (grinned again)
Elizabeth: Assuming you want to be eaten by the Kraken... (mutters)
Will: Hey, how did you know that Jack was hit by a bottle? You knew? And you still credited the effort of capturing Jack to Brown, instead of me, who actually fought Jack?
James: I didn't know then, but I've watched the first movie recently, so I know now.
Elizabeth: Oh, the 'm' word again. I really want to know what a movie is! Oh yes, Gillette…by the way, how did you know it was me who hit James?
Gillette: Some mermaids flopped up on deck and told me the whole story. No, seriously.
James: (in his famous rolling-eyes style) Gillette, you really make the Navy proud with your talk about mermaids. Elizabeth, is it true that you hit me? I was just surprised to see you at the pigsty! And to think, I was grateful that you helped me up…
Elizabeth: Unfortunately, it's true, James. But hey, they would have killed you if I didn't step in! I knocked you down so they would spare you! It was better me than them to hit you. Right? At least then, I could still fetch you back and help you up.
James: I should thank you for saving my life, then. However, Elizabeth, what do you think I am? A creation made out of Lego blocks, that you can knock down and build up again? In the first movie, you promised you would marry me when I rescued Turner. In DMC, you knocked me out! I'm not sure I want to know what you plan to do to me in third one. I don't dare to imagine it…
Jack: I see a pattern here. She tends to hurt people that love her. However, she did really love Will when she deceived Norry, and chained me to protect Will. Come to think of it, so she could go find Will, she burned my rum, too, in the first movie—and that was very painful for me! Will…you might be a eunuch, but you're also a very lucky eunuch.
Bootstrap Bill: Wait…what's this talk about my son being a eunuch? You're…erm…not a eunuch, are you son?
Will: Of course not, Father. (grits teeth) Don't listen to Jack.
James: You know, I've just realized I've gotten one minor gain off of the second movie, although whether or not you would consider it as a gain or loss is relative. I seem to have collected more fan girls, now. Well, not as many as Captain Sparrow, or Turner, but the last time I surfed the Internet the number was quite staggering. I don't know why the sudden fame, though…
Jack: Join the club, mate. Will and I are used to it. You need to be careful, though, because there're bound to be a lot of ruddy Mary-Sues comin' your way once you're considered attractive.
Elizabeth: Whoever wants to even touch Will has to get over my dead body, first. (narrows eyes)
(Elizabeth haters: With pleasure.)
Barbossa: Talking about fan girls, or perhaps fan boys, I seem to have some fans as well, based on the number of fanfictions appearing about me. (Tries not to grin, but fails spectacularly.)
Jack: Yes, we can all agree that people are weird. The last time I checked, there were a lot of fan groups for different people in PotC rather than just me and the whelp. Even Becky and Davy Jones here have some fans.
Beckett: What's so strange about me having fans? I'm not bad-looking, you know.
(Story Beta: I agree! Heehee…)
Jack: Well, except being evil and vertically challenged, no, you're all that bad-looking. After all, people have to have different tastes to choose from, otherwise everybody will go for me—and that'll cause trouble. I might be dashingly handsome, but I just can't handle so many women, not to mention the possible slappings that usually follow…
Davy Jones: I still don't know why I have fangirls, though.
Jack: Because you're the tragic character that suffers because of love. Speaking of that, half of the people here are also suffer because of love. You, however, are the most tragic one because you cut you heart out and still managed to stay alive. Could you tell us your technique? I think I can sell it to the medical world so that people don't have to have heart transplants—they can just remove their hearts altogether!
Davy Jones: Sorry, that secret's for me to know, and for you to find out.
TBC
Note: I think half of this chapter was focused on Norrington, and he was pretty OOC in DMC. It's necessary, however, because he did draw the short straw a little too often in the movies, and IMHO was one of the unluckiest people in PotC universe, so he did have a lot to complain about. Not that he'd have to complain at all, if he was kept in-character…