Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own PotC, Gulliver's Travels, Spiderman, or Shrek. Luckily, I don't own any reality shows. (shudders at the thought)
Jack: Yeah, right. Despite your ability to remove your heart without dying, I still reckon you're an idiot.
Davy Jones: How so?
Jack: Who in their right frame of mind would really bury his heart on land, when he could only step on it once every ten years? In fact, it's funny that you're even scared of a jar of dirt! I think we could defeat you by firing canons containing jars of dirt onto your ship!
Davy Jones: Sshh! Don't give them any ideas! (looks around worriedly)
Jack: Wouldn't it be better to bury the heart at the bottom of the ocean, where normal human beings can't gain access to it? You could always dive underwater to protect it, that way.
Davy Jones: Stop criticizing me! I have…er, had…the key to the chest well-protected!
Will: Yeah, right. (Suddenly worries the author that Will's speech pattern is starting to follow Jack's too closely.) You fell asleep so easily, it was like taking a candy from a baby!
Davy Jones: Stop this nonsense! I also have the power to teleport, and I don't even have to have a tail and yellow eyes to do it, so there!
Jack: Oh, no. Another X-Men fan. Hey, you did the teleport thingy only once, anyway, when you tried—and failed, may I add—to collect my soul. How come you didn't do it again, and summoned the Kraken, instead?
Davy Jones: Oi, do you have any idea how much petrol costs now? We used the last batch of petrol to try to impress you, and if we were lucky may get a hundred souls, but—as usual—fortune does not favour us. From now on, we're going to stick with using the Kraken—it's more environmentally friendly anyway, won't thin the ozone layer.
Jack: I can't believe this. You're worried about the future generation, but you want to kill me and enslave a hundred other sailors?
Davy Jones: Hey, everyone needs to live for a cause, and that is my cause. Do you have a problem with that?
Jack: (shakes his head) Do I have any problem with that? No, not really. Doesn't matter if I am dead or alive, now does it? I need my rum, NOW!
Will: (Replaces Jack for the time being, as the pirate captain runs off in search of more rum.) Do you have any complaints, Davy Jones?
Davy Jones: I think they need to show my softer side more; you know, show me playing the whole of Bach's trio sonatas! Oh, I also need smarter minions, and more Krakens. Does anyone know if I can get some sort of a refund from Minions 'R Us for the conked out minions I have now?
Barbossa: Join the queue.
James: While we're on the subject, I'm also in the need for some refunds, mostly for the subordinates I got in the first movie. Who in their right mind hires people who can't swim and believes in mermaids in the Navy? Oh…and before any one answers that, let it be known that it was not my decision to have them as my subordinates in the first place.
Jack: Order, order! (shoves Will aside, a new mug of rum in his hand, and prepared to take over once more.) Davy, mate, you're one of the villains here. You're not supposed to outshine the protagonists, especially me, therefore your complaints are unimportant. Who's next?
(Some fans: Hey, I thought some characters like Norrington, Davy Jones, Tia Dalma and even Barbossa have stolen some of the limelight already and in canon…although no one can outshine Jack; Jack is so shiny, we need to wear eyeliner so as not to get blinded!)
Barbossa: I have no complaints, except that I'd like more screen time. I liked my cool and captivating one liner, though. I even got to eat my apple! In fact, a few apple distributors have contacted me to do advertisements for them. Apparently, sales of apples have increased since DMC came out. I'll be the new face for "Granny Smith's Apples"!
James: Oh, please. I'm already disturbed by the image of Gibbs joining the Idol show, and so I don't really want to be following his footstep regarding that. I don't like watching reality shows, and I will not ridicule myself by being a participant! I've already been ridiculed enough, being thrown in the pigsty…
Jack: Yes, don't forget the smell, as well. (sniggers)
James: Sparrow! Anyway, I already have my favourite pastime of chasing pirates, undead or not. I occasionally like to eavesdrop, steal hearts (literally, and also metaphorically, for some fans), and trick pirates. I don't need the Idol show.
Will: Yes, I don't like watching or participating in reality shows, either. It's better for me to practice my swordplay four hours a day. I also like to do occasional eavesdropping, especially when Jack talks so secretively…
James: Turner, at last we have something else in common. The other one being jilted by Elizabeth, of course.
Jack: Er, Will, the last time you told me it was three hours a day that you practiced with your sword.
Will: Yes, I know. After the three-way swordfight on the waterwheel, however, I thought I needed to practice more. I also practice on a treadmill as well, in case we need to swordfight on other moving objects. It's rather dizzying…
Jack: Jeez, you two need to get new hobbies. I myself wouldn't mind being a participant on Survivor; it's kinda useful information you can learn there, if you're ever marooned on an island. I also have lots of practice for being dishonest, which would make it easier for me to win!
Elizabeth: I think my hobby is quite enjoyable; flirting and kissing pirates or pirate wannabes!
James: Hey, one's hobby should not hurt others. Oh, who am I kidding? I'll shut up now.
Jack: Since we've done two villains already, we might as well continue with the worst one. Becky, have you got anything to say?
Beckett: Do I have anything to say? No, for apparently villains have no feelings, and should be condemned the moment they appear on screen. (scowls)
Jack: You got that right, so no complaints, then. (grins)
Beckett: Can't you see the air is thick with sarcasm? Oh right, your senses are currently impaired what with all the rum you're drowning yourself in…
Jack: Oh, you know me so well, Becky. (grins again) I miss the good old days between you and me that a lot of fans are speculating about, which they will continue to do, at least until the third movie comes out. Did you know they think I gave you the snip-snip?
Beckett: You never gave me the snip-snip. Can I allow myself to start, now? After all, I'm the only one with a title around here.
Jack: I didn't know that 'Becky' was a title! You learn new things every day, apparently…
Beckett: That is Lord Cutler Beckett for you, Sparrow. I'll continue now, as it seems that I'm some sort of replacement for Norrington in term of the threat for the trio not in the form of the pirates, and who also wears a wig. People just hate me the moment I appear on screen, don't they?
James: (could not keep quiet, as he promised) Pardon me. I refuse to believe that you could replace me! The height issue matters here, plus I don't think everyone hated me the moment I appeared! Hey, I appear at the very beginning of CotBP even before the adult trio come on screen! I also have integrity—at least, I did in the first movie…
Jack: I agree that height matters, Norry. Comparing you and Becky is like comparing Brobdingnag's citizen with Liliput's citizen of Gulliver's Travel.
(The audience members who have read the book—not counting Pintel and Ragetti, of course—get the picture and fall off of their chairs, laughing.)
Elizabeth: Wow, Jack. I didn't know you'd heard of Gulliver's Travels. I didn't even know that you could read. I love Gulliver's Travels, as it features pirates! (smiles, with a faraway look on her face.)
James: Why am I not surprised?
Jack: Well, Liz, there's more to me than you know. I'm like an onion with multiple layers. Do you…want to find out more? (signature grin)
(Will and James grit their teeth.)
Will: Hey, Jack! You stole a line from Shrek, there...
Jack: Which one? Does Shrek also want to know Liz? Shrek isn't even a Disney movie. It belongs to our competitor! Do you know there'll be a tight competition next year between Spiderman 3, Shrek 3, and PotC 3? Wow, they all ended with a three. Hail the triquels!
Beckett: Can we get back to me, now? Thank you very much. Now then…I was pictured as a heartless villain, full of ambition and greed. Barbossa was motivated by his desire to be normal…well as normal as a pirate can be, and Davy Jones was triggered by his long-lost love. Even if you consider Norrington as a villain (some fans still argues whether Norrington is considered as a villain, of course), he is still simply motivated to restore his honour. Only I am pictured as a pure villain, with a motive to take over the world, or seven seas, or whatever the popular term is at the moment.
Jack: When you put that way, I can slightly sympathize with you. Still, Disney has to have someone that's pure evil and to be hated. Don't worry, Becky, you'll get over your suffering soon. It's very likely that you'll be killed off in the third movie, anyway, seeing that it is a Disney movie.
The rest of the audience, plus fans: Can he actually be killed off now, then?
Jack: No…who will watch the third movie, then?
TBC