She lies there with her arms crossed behind her head, staring up at the ceiling, the light of the early morning streaming through the windows. Nothing seems certain anymore. There's nothing that seems very bad and nothing that seems very good. Nothing seems certain. Spending these hours thinking it through in her mind doesn't seem to affect the fact that her whole life has become one giant muddled catastrophe. But still, she has Luke, and at least he's in her life in some way now. So how much of a catastrophe could it be?
After the funeral, Lorelai had made sure that Luke was okay with just Jess by his side before grabbing Rory and heading home. Still without a car seat, Luke had agreed to allow Dawn to take Gabriel just one last time and he would pick up the baby in New York the next day after Liz's burial. But she couldn't wait, she didn't want to have to watch him hand over his nephew again. She didn't want to have to see that look on his face. She needed time to think things over and she couldn't do that with that face in her head.
Rory had made coffee and they had sat at the kitchen table in silence, sipping their coffee, both lost in their own thoughts. "Logan's coming to visit in a week," Rory informed her and then pressed her lips together waiting for a response. The only reaction from Lorelai was a slight bob of her head as she sipped her coffee, her eyes glazed over. "Mom?" Rory called softly, hoping that her voice was enough to draw Lorelai out of her stupor. But clearly, it was not. She reached out and touched Lorelai's wrist softly, startling her mother.
"Oh Rory!" Lorelai gasped, reaching around Rory's head and pulling the top of her daughter's head to her lips. Rory slid her hand from Lorelai's wrist to her hand and squeezed it comfortingly. She watched Lorelai take a noticeable deep breath. "You thinking about Liz?" Lorelai's head wagged back and forth. "You thinking about Luke?" After a moment, Lorelai's head nodded up and down.
With a sigh, Lorelai looked over at her daughter. "Luke wants custody of Gabriel, his nephew, and in her will, Liz requested that Mr. and Mrs. Luke and Lorelai Danes be Gabriel's guardians," Lorelai explained, watching her daughter's face carefully. As could have been predicted, Rory's eyebrows raised and her mouth dropped open in shock. "Yeah take that, process for a couple days and you'll be close to where I am." Rory looked away, shaking her head and then suddenly paused in her movements, looking back at Lorelai curiously.
"But there is no Lorelai Danes," Rory realized. Lorelai nodded glumly.
"Ain't that the truth." Rory squeezed Lorelai's hand again.
"So what does that mean?" Rory asked. Lorelai sighed.
"According to his lawyer it amounts to a whole lotta nothing, like the points on Whose Line Is It Anyway," Lorelai grumped. "The lawyer said that TJ's cousin Dawn could easily get custody as she is a woman and can use her wile ways to hypnotize the judge. And he said that besides getting a sex change, which might not work because that would be weird, that there's only one thing that might give Luke the upper hand."
"Please tell me it's not felonious," Rory urged. Lorelai cracked a small smile and rubbed Rory's arm.
"He said it would help if there really was a Mrs. Lorelai Danes." Rory sat back in her chair, taking a moment to comprehend what her mother is saying. "And barring you marrying him, and by the way that's not an option because it's making me nauseous just thinking about it…" Rory quickly grabbed Lorelai's wrist.
"I get it," Rory insisted loudly, wanting to stop her mother's nauseating ramblings. Lorelai nodded and then let out a deep sigh. "So what are you going to do?" Lorelai shrugged.
"He asked me to marry him. Rory, Luke asked me to marry him. How can I say no? How can I say no when that's all I've ever wanted?" Lorelai moaned, dropping her head into her hands. "This is so wrong! I love him Rory. I love him. And I want to be with him but I hurt him. I destroyed him. And I don't deserve him. But there he is, asking me to marry him, and I know it's only so that he can get custody of Gabriel, but it's still marriage to Luke. I mean, shouldn't I just be happy with that?" Rory had a concerned look on her face as Lorelai finished.
"Is that what you want your marriage to Luke to be based on?" Lorelai shrugged. "Mom, I'm not going to push you in either direction, this is your decision to make, and yours alone, just make sure the reasons for your decision are the correct ones." As Lorelai pondered Rory's comment, they heard the front door open and close.
"Lorelai!" came Luke's familiar call as they heard his heavy footsteps tread on the wooden floor of the living room. Lorelai could feel her face flush with excitement, her body glowing with just the idea of Luke back in her house, where she knew he belonged. Though her mind tried to fight off the thoughts, she couldn't help but hope that this whole process would make Luke realize how much she loved him, how much she missed him, and how wretched she felt over what she had done to them and what they had become.
He walked into the kitchen to find Lorelai and Rory staring up him, expectant looks on their faces. "You know, I think I'll go see Lane before I go back to New Haven," Rory said, knowing that neither of them were really listening to her and also that neither would make a move until she was out of the room. Silently, she kissed the side of Lorelai's head, grabbed her purse and walked out the back door, leaving Luke and Lorelai in their locked gaze.
"Okay," she whispered after a moment, knowing that the pleading look in Luke's eyes helped her to reach this decision suddenly. She watched as he visibly took a breath and slowly she stands, nodding slowly. The length of time it took him to respond gave her pause, making her wonder if this was what he was really asking.
She felt his fingers, slowly feeling hers out, his hands moving to clasp hers. "Thank you," he said in that gruff voice that he always used when he was truly grateful but didn't want to make it apparent how much it meant to him.
"I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for Gabriel. Because, God knows why, but I love that child already. And I want to do right by him, just like you do. And I can see it, as well as I can see those weird magic eye pictures that Rory could never see, that he needs you," Lorelai said with emotion behind every word. She cocked her head, her misty eyes looking at him with sympathy, pursing her lips. "And you need him."
He leaned his head back as if sizing her up. "And I need…. him," he finally repeated. How much he needed her as well was left unsaid, but he knew it was true. The sun gleamed in through the window, reflecting a shine in her eyes that made her so utterly gorgeous, he was forced to look down in order to keep himself from recognizing the guilty pang in his heart. Staring down, he noticed the shine on his watch and slowly sighed. "I have to go," he said, looking back up at her regretfully. "I have to go to New York to bury… you know…" She nodded understandably.
"Luke, I can't go," she said apologetically. He nodded.
"I figured. I'm going to take April and Jess so I'll have them there." He saw her draw back before he actually physically felt it, her hands leaving the warmth of his.
"It's just that I have the inn, you know. I've taken a lot of time off." She bit her lower lip in the way she always did when she wasn't feeling right with what was happening. "But if you really need me to, I'll go." He shook his head.
"No," he responded hoarsely and cleared his throat. "No." She nodded and looked down and he knew she was trying to hide that she was upset. In his long vacation from Stars Hollow after their breakup in May, he had spent most of the time rethinking what had gone wrong and the only thing that he had figured out was that she had been making that face more often. At the time he had pushed it to the back of his mind, thinking it had nothing to do with him, hoping she would just open up to him as she always had. Maybe it was time to consider that she didn't think she could.
He reached out and grasped her upper arms and waited for her to look up at him. "Lorelai, I'm not saying you shouldn't go because I'm taking April. You can come if you want. You don't know how much it meant – how much I needed… I couldn't have made it this far without you there by my side." Audibly her breath caught in her throat, the corners of her eyes narrowing. "Okay?" She nodded. He leaned down and placed a kiss on her hairline, her eyes closing with the amazing feeling that both terrified her and made her heart fly.
With that he dropped his hands and began to walk away. "Luke," she called after a moment, her voice surprisingly strong. He turned and looked at her. She cocked her head, giving him that steadying look she had. "I'm just a phone call away." It relieved her to see him smile in response.
He walked back to her, taking her hand and flipping it over, he placed a key in it. She looked down at it confused. "The key to Liz's place. There's some things – I don't know – a cradle – just… things, you know?" She stared at it and slowly lifted her eyes to match his, her heart beating rapidly. He was letting her in, not just into Liz's house, but back into his life. Baby steps, she reminded herself.
"I'll take care of it," she promised. He closed his hand over hers then and gave hers a light squeeze.
"Thank you," he said sincerely and turned and walked away.
That was all it had taken, one word 'okay' and suddenly she is back where she had been six months ago: engaged to Luke. But it's different this time, she's almost sure of it. And she wonders if they would have ever fixed this without Gabriel. How can she… and the phone rings startling out of her ponderings. She sighs and reaches over and picks up the phone on her bedside table. She shakes her head, clearing her mind before she speaks. "Hello?"
"Lorelai?" comes the voice over the phone that she knows so well. The same voice that she had once dreaded the sound of but lately seemed to be her one comfort. How things change when your life falls apart.
"Mom," Lorelai responds, more as a statement than anything else.
"Oh it's so surprising to hear your voice. You never call. I never hear from you," Emily complains. Lorelai rolls her eyes and shakes her head.
"I talk to you all the time Mom. I see you every Friday. I talk to you in-between. Would you like me to channel you as well?" Lorelai asks sarcastically.
"But I didn't see you last Friday, did I?" Emily notes. Lorelai knows that Emily knows full well why she didn't go to dinner on Friday. She'll never figure out why she lets her mother play this game with her. Why does she let Emily in when she knows Emily's only pretending to understand her? "In fact, I haven't talked to you in a week. But I talked to your ex-fiancé not more than a day ago." Lorelai bites her lower lip fully at the word 'ex-fiancé', her fingers clutch the phone so tightly her knuckles are turning white.
"He's not my… he's um…" Lorelai closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. How on earth is she going to explain this to her mother when she can't even explain it to herself? "Mom, you know why I didn't…" She sighs. "About the lawyer you got for Luke…"
"Oh Lord, I thought I gave him the number of one that was still alive. He made you call me about that?" Lorelai rolls her eyes again, shaking her head.
"No Mom, I'm sure he's alive. At least, I hope he is, otherwise Luke's got bigger problems than I thought." Lorelai smiles to herself. "Actually the lawyer was really helpful. It's just that he told Luke that the only way he thinks Luke could get custody of Gabriel is if we were married."
Lorelai sits up in bed as she waits for Emily's reply which doesn't seem to come. "Is this an after the fact kind of phone call?" Emily finally asks. Lorelai furrows her eyebrows, lost as to what her mother is insinuating.
"After the fact?"
"You already married him didn't you? And now you're calling to ask for a wedding present!" Lorelai huffs at this.
"No, Mom, you called me, remember?" She takes a deep breath. "No, I haven't married him, yet. But he's not, what you would call, my ex-fiancé anymore." She can already feel her mother's disappointment through the phone.
"I cannot believe you Lorelai. After all he put you through, now you're just willing to cave and marry him because he's finally ready?"
"He put me through? I cheated on him!"
"Yes, you did, and it's not that I think that was a good idea, but you had already told me that you thought it was over. You had already told me that you didn't think you two would get married. So in your mind, you two had already broken up," Emily insists. Lorelai frowns, her index finger tracing patterns on the white bedspread. "Isn't that true Lorelai?" She sighs.
"Yes, but it was still cheating. And I'm not doing it for him, I'm doing it for Gabriel. You should meet this child, even you would melt at the sight of him. He's so… just so… I mean the moment he was in my arms I fell for him, almost as quickly as the first time I held Rory."
"But Rory is your real child," Emily reminds her.
"Yes, and soon Gabriel will also be my real child," Lorelai responds, with an emphasis on the word 'real'.
"And Luke knows that you love this child and he's using that to make you live in second rate status just so you can have what you think you always wanted," Emily snaps and with this Lorelai's done with this conversation.
"Mom!" Lorelai shouts, jumping off the bed. "I want to be a mother to Gabriel. I'll be a great mother to him. And Luke, he needs Gabriel so much, just as Gabriel needs him. I'm 38 years-old, I don't need your input on my life. So is there anything else, Ann Landers, or can I go now?"
"Lorelai, I'm going to say one thing and then I'm not going to say anymore."
"Okay Mayella, as unbelievable as that sounds, I'm going to hesitantly allow you to continue," Lorelai concedes, instantly regretting her words.
"You claim to be happy about the changes you're making in your life. Marrying this man. Adopting this boy. But before you make this life-changing decision, remember that when Christopher proposed just after you gave birth to his child, you said no, despite the fact it was exactly what Rory needed. But now you've decided to marry Luke because it's what this child needs. I'd be interested to hear what your daughter and Christopher think of this," Emily states and hangs up before Lorelai can even process her mother's statement. With a groan of anger, she tosses the phone back onto the bed.
"Mr. Hyde returns again," she mutters. She purses her lips and taps her foot. Folding her arms across her chest she walks out into the hallway and down to the doorway of the sewing room. Staring in, she glances around the room and she can see it in her mind. In one corner the cradle. Over there can be the changing table. The walls will be that cerulean she had decided against for the outside of the house. And the curtains on the window will have little blue trucks on them.
She smiles to herself, gazing over at the window. In the morning, just after his feeding, she'll open up the blinds. Luke will hand her the baby and she'll hold him over by the window. Her husband will come up behind her and put his arms around her middle, just under where she cradles their son, resting his head against her hair. In this short instant, it no longer seems like a faint dream she might never grasp, but a possible reality for the not so distant future. And in this moment, she's content.