Grabbing her morning coffee, which at this point is practically an afternoon coffee, Lorelai plods into the living room, picking up the remote and flicking on the TV. The sounds and animations of whatever is on don't affect her as her mind is in another place completely. Over and over she keeps hearing the disapproving voice of her mother and the guarded tones of her daughter. What do they know? How can they possibly understand that love has no bounds? Her daughter is 22, the closest she's ever come to an honest to God dilemma is her desertion from the road she was supposed to be on to Yale, journalism and the life Lorelai could never have. Her mother at the age of 63 has lived the high society life where her daily decision of what doily to line her plate with causes her more grief than true real life problems. How can they possible attempt to pass judgment over her own actions?
She feels caught. Months ago, even years ago, she had decided that it was Luke she wanted. That was it. He was the beginning and end to all her dreams. So when she had betrayed him, she had let herself down as well. She would have done anything and everything just to undo her mistake, just to undo the act she had committed on the night when her soul had fled, her mind stopped working, her emotions took over and she broke from reality. It was never about Luke versus Christopher. It was never about her wanting Luke to place her on a pedestal and make her his whole world. It was never about that. It was about her wanting her fiancé to give her exactly what she deserved, to stop looking past her to everyone else, to recognize her sadness and grief, to express his love for her in any way but the occasional mention of her title as his fiancé.
Her front door opens and slams shut, making her jump out of her skin. She leaps to her feet to find April standing in her living room holding a large box in her small arms. "April," she gasps, never having imagined an occasion that the girl would ever be allowed in her house. Luke walks in the house then carrying Gabriel in his arms, a baby bag slung over his shoulder. It's just one of those times when she's not sure if she should break out in hysterical laughter or cry. She chooses the former as the sight of Luke holding a baby, playing Mister Mom, is only one she had seen in her dreams of him with their own son or daughter. "What's this?" she finally manages though her laughter, trying to ignore Luke's mystified expression.
"I'm helping Dad move in," April announces as if it were the most normal thing in the world. Lorelai uses all her might not to let her mouth drop open in response. Move in? He's moving in? Wait, did she say Dad? Lorelai looks up at Luke with surprise and he nods, as if reading her mind. "He said that he wasn't particular about the arrangement of the boxes, which I told him was a completely inappropriate way to pack. See I've learned that the best way to pack is to properly categorize the boxes, make sure similar items go with similar items, that way it relieves the burden of unpacking and not knowing where you packed certain items, such as the box cutter, leaving you to hunt around for a giant Jason-like knife only used the story The Most Dangerous Game." Lorelai nods along, trying to hang onto every word that skips over the 13 year old's tongue. Though she herself is a fast talker, she's never dealt with the likes of this sort, mixing the speed of words with mensa-like knowledge and pop culture references.
"Ah," is all Lorelai can manage, feeling like the village idiot. April glances from her father to Lorelai.
"Well I'm going to go get another box, that way hopefully I can stay long enough to organize this stuff because there's no way you want to attempt the catastrophe that is Dad's packing," April says, turning to talk away but then she pauses and glance over her shoulder. "Oh, I should probably say, and I'm not sure of the politically correctness involved here, but hey you seem like the Bill Maher sort so, I'm glad that you and Dad have worked things out. I think I'm going to like you two being married and having Gabriel around full time. I think it'll be nice."
Lorelai's words fail her as she manages a smile. April just nods and skips out of the house. Lorelai gives herself a moment to let her eyes travel from the floor up to Luke's face, taking the time to process all the information she's received in the last minute. "You're moving in?" she asks without emotion, not wanting to reveal whether she is happy or annoyed by this change.
"I thought… I mean if we're going to do this right. I just… I told her we were getting married and I realized that we'd have to live together for the caseworker from the court to believe it at all. So, I mean, it's what has to be done, right?"
"Right," she croaks out in response, unable to tell him how it hurts that he'll move in to put up this pretense of a marriage when towards the end of their engagement he had preferred to sleep in his own apartment. Not that it bothers her, putting together this sham of a marriage, she knows they're doing it for Gabriel, she knows that the boy belongs with them. But he didn't even call her. He didn't even ask if he should move in. He just shows up with his life's worth in boxes along with the daughter he kept her from.
Numbly she nods, her eyes lowering to the ground, unable to look at him any longer. "Here, you set up the room?" he asks. She nods and takes Gabriel. "April and I will unpack if you want to introduce Gabriel to his new room." He turns and walks out, leaving her in the house, surrounded by the boxes that signify his invasion of the life she had attempted to create without him. An empty house. A half empty bedroom. A still kitchen. Losing him meant losing more than her lover, it meant losing the partner in her life, because, in fact, without actually signing the marriage license, they actually had created a joined life in her house. It was something she had never realized and she's not sure if he had either. As they saying goes, you don't know what you've got till it's gone. How true. The complete awful, horrible, disgusting truth.
A few days later, the courtroom is in a tense state. Those sitting in various places around the courtroom are sweating due to either their upcoming case or the fact that the heater has decided the room should feel like the inside of a volcano. She sits in the wooden chair that was designated to her almost an hour before, her hand clutching the edge of the table, her knuckles turning white from the fear within her. She's not sure why she's feeling this way, but she knows she's afraid of something.
"Gentleman and Ladies, please!" the judge shouts, banging his gavel in the process. The loud sounds of the wooden gavel hitting the wooden lectern in front of him only serve to make the pain in her head pound harder. She can feel Luke's eyes on her but she can't look at him, something deep inside her feels like it's curling up and dying. This feeling of her being irreparably torn apart is only becoming obvious to her right now, but she wonders if this is what she's felt all along. "I'm tired and we've been going round and round on this for an hour now. So I'm going to stop you now." There are annoyed sighs from both Luke's lawyer and Dawn's lawyer.
Both return to their seats next to their employers and Luke's lawyer assures him with a pat on the arm. Luke turns to give a hopeful smile to Lorelai but notices her eyes still focused on her hands on the table in front of her. All he really wants to do is drag her out in the hall and make her tell him what's wrong, but clearly that is not an option at this point in time. So instead he just silently takes her left hand in his right, putting a small pressure on her hand to remind her that he's there. He can feel her move her head slightly and knows she's staring at their clasped hands, but the fact that she doesn't move her hand, doesn't even give a hint that she'd like to, is a comfort to him.
"I'm placing a case worker in charge of the case, who will visit both homes and report back to me a recommendation on where the child would be better suited. For the moment, I'm placing temporary custody of one, Gabriel Lucas Matthews, with his uncle, Mr. Danes, and Ms. Gilmore. We will return again to this matter in one month's time," the judge orders, banging his gavel. Luke's breath catches in his throat, just hearing the firm words from the judge's mouth. Gabriel is his. Well, his and Lorelai's. Only temporary, but there it is, it's the first step.
His lawyer stands so Luke feels like he must as well and uses their interlocked hands to pull Lorelai to her feet with him. "Well that's a start," his lawyer, Hal Coffer, claims with one of those grins on his face that means he's more proud to have won than that Luke and Lorelai have gotten temporary custody of Gabriel. So Luke just nods, knowing that Mr. Coffer's reward will be the giant check he'll be writing the man come the end of this trial. "I'll call you after I speak to the judge and case worker with the details. Until then, you can pick up Gabriel where you left him." With that, Mr. Coffer picks his suit jacket up off the chair, grabs his suit jacket, nods to Lorelai and walks out.
Though he would like to go pick up his nephew, the warmth of Lorelai's hand in his reminds him that, for the moment, she comes first. He turns to her, trying to coax her with a smile, but receives no response. "He's ours Lorelai. We're one step closer," he says softly, his voice causing her to look over at him, but her eyes are unreadable. No longer are they open to him as he's seen in this whole past week. They're closed off. She's closed off. Which can only mean she's trying to hide something from him.
But before he can say anything more to comfort her, he hears a noise of someone bumping up against the table. His eyes land on her perfect manicured fingernails and he quickly glances up into Dawn's face, that can only reveal how dissatisfied she is with the judge's decision. "Don't think you've won, Luke. He's with you for now. But we're on an equal playing field, as we all know there's no such person as Lorelai Danes. The case worker will visit both houses and he will see that with me Gabriel will be with family and with you he'll be in the arms of a man that wouldn't know the first thing about changing diapers," Dawn says, once again bringing up Luke's greatest fear and Lorelai can see it in his eyes.
She gnaws on her lower lip trying to process everything at once. Part of her is really feeling for him right now, knowing that he's still hearing Anna's concerns about his ability as a father. Another part of her is tormented by the fact she's still not sure she's really okay with this whole plan of Luke's. Yet, she can't keep her eyes off of Luke, seeing that tortured look in his eyes, knowing that he still wonders if he's a good father to April. "You know I think you should take a look at your own parenting skills before you start trashing someone else's," she speaks up with a strong and forceful tone that she wasn't sure she had in her anymore.
Hearing these words from Lorelai's mouth subsides his pain to some extent. After all, she's seen him at his worst fatherly moment, during his daughter's birthday party. You're her dad. That's what Lorelai had said in trying to convince him to share his daughter with her. He wasn't just the male who had contributed to her creation, Lorelai had known that, she had known without proof that he'd be a good father to his daughter.
"What kind of a hold does he have over you that you'll marry him to help him get custody of this child?" Dawn wonders, her eyes fixed on Lorelai, looking completely baffled. Lorelai can only stare down at her hands, knowing that the entire rest of the world is probably thinking the same thing.
"That's not why we're getting married," Luke manages, hoping that he's saving Lorelai just as she had done for him just a few moments before. She looks up at him with a wonder of uncertainty in her eyes.
"Tell me Luke, if you're not getting married just so there will be a Lorelai Danes, then why are you getting married?" Dawn probes, watching both of them try to keep the pleasant looks on their faces. Both hesitate to look at the other. He squeezes her hand, but hers has gone lax within his and he knows he's losing her. Looking over at her, he can only see her pained expectant look, seeing that she believes he's about to break her heart. All he can think is that she knows it's true, she must know that the main reason they're getting married is for Gabriel. Isn't it?
He's reminded of a time when being married to her meant everything. They had danced around a relationship for eight years before finally giving into what they knew deep down was the truth, that they were perfect for each other. From the moment he kissed her on the porch of the Dragonfly, he had wanted nothing more than to be with this woman forever. When he bought her engagement ring, his heart had leapt in his chest, as he could see all his dreams coming true in this ring. It was all he had ever wanted. Through the whole mess with Rory, he had just kept reminding himself that it would all be worth it someday. One day he would be married to the love of his life forever and now he would be, only it wasn't the same.
Finally he clears his throat, seeing that Lorelai's not going to answer Dawn's question for him. "Why we are getting married is between us, Dawn," he replies with the most annoyed tone he can muster. Instantly he feels Lorelai's hand slip from his and he knows he's said the wrong thing. Dawn snorts.
"You're marrying a man who can't even manage to say that he loves you. Good choice there Lorelai," Dawn says, shaking her head and walks away.
"She's just trying to get your goat," Luke mutters to Lorelai, but when she looks up at him, he can see she's not pleased with his response. "Lorelai, I – I didn't know what to say…"
"It's true. I mean, Dawn's right. That's why we're getting married," she says softly as if she's just realizing it. She shakes her head.
"You said okay. Tell me Lorelai, why are you suddenly angry?"
"What? Are you…? I mean…" She huffs. "You know what? You know what absolutely kills me? I wouldn't be so furious if I didn't love you so damn much!" she finally exclaims with as much incense as she can put behind it. She quickly swallows the tears that are forming, not wanting him to realize he's getting to her more that she's already let loose. "I'm going to go get Gabriel." With that, she grabs her purse and walks out and all Luke can do is watch her.
In face of her truth the only words that seem to come to mind were once sung by Billy Joel, that honesty is such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue. In response, his mind is filled with the memory of his father during his mother's illness, late at night in the kitchen, slouched in a chair at the kitchen table, one hand on a beer spinning a beercap on the index finger of the other. The only sound that young Luke could hear through the crack in the doorway of his bedroom from where he was spying was the soft melody sung in the deep dedicated voice of his father's favorite vocalist. He had never completely understood his father but he had loved him because his father had been his role model, the man he had wanted to become. Liz had wanted Gabriel to think of him that way and he can only think that all he has to do is love Gabriel, show him a good example and Liz's wishes could come true. Seems so simple to do something that always seemed so far out of his realm of capability, but love will do that.
He can still hear the soft melody of the song playing in his kitchen as his father's face held an image of a man brooding in grief and seeing a road paved with loneliness. His father had always loved Billy Joel and of the memories he had of his mother before her disease, the one that burned brightest also was filled by the singer's soulful tones. Needing a glass of water, a five year old Luke had snuck out of bed only to walk into the living room and find that his parents were still up, music playing in the background as his father held in his mother in his arms, holding her close, dancing in the dark, his father softly singing She's Got A Way. It's only now that Luke remembers why he can't hear that song without thinking of his mother, seeing her blue eyes trying to hide her pain so that her young son will remember her fondly.
She too had tried to mask her pain for so long that he could no longer recognize when she was hurting or when she was joyful. But I love you Luke. I love you. But I have waited and I have stayed away and I have let you run this thing but no more. No more, she had said. No more. That's it. That's the look he had seen that night. That's the look that was he saw in her eyes as she stood next to him in the courtroom listening to her fate being handed down. She had walked away that night and he had lost her. He never thought he would have her again and he's not sure if he would have her now if it hadn't been for Gabriel.
As he's been thinking this through, he's walked out of the courtroom to end up outside of the daycare center. Peering in the window, even a stranger would get lost in the image he beholds. The seemingly strong, absolutely stunning woman, an ageless beauty, holding the young baby in her arms seems like out of a posed picture, airbrushed to perfection, but it is his reality. "Lorelai," he says softly as he opens the door, wanting her to know that he hasn't stopped thinking over her words since she exited the courtroom.
Against her will, she turns to face him, taking a few steps towards him, believing that he has come to hold his nephew. But Luke doesn't move, he doesn't reach his arms out for Gabriel. Instead, he lightly runs his knuckle up and down her arm. "I was taking you for granted again. I don't know why I do that. I don't know why I did that before." He watches her expression soften, the cold look in her eyes diminishes to a sky blue.
Not knowing how to respond to his acknowledgement of, not only his current mistake, but the entire 4 months of time last spring when she had been left in the imbalance of her entire life due to his oversight. She had always wondered if he had ever realized his part in her betrayal or had deemed it all her fault, as much of it was. So instead of responding with words, she carefully hands over Gabriel, wanting Luke to know that she's still going along with it, that his tender statement had tamed her temper. Touching Luke's elbow softly, she gazes up into his eyes, amazed that he's responding by looking back at her instead of down at Gabriel. "Guess all that's left to do is get married," she says.