Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found in my profile.

Chapter 2

As Alana and Sarah stepped through the portal, they found themselves in the wild, not far from the hobbits and Aragorn. It was movie verse, but a far cry better from any original plot that their Suethor could come up with. Suddenly (cutting off Sarah's personal favourite hobbit/Aragorn interaction), there was a flash of light. And then It came.

Canon characters cannot see PPC assassins unless they call attention to themselves, or if they are pointed out by a non-canon character. This provides an opportunity for them to get close to their lust objects… although they are, of course, far too well trained to drool. Sarah reluctantly stepped away from the hobbits and joined Alana behind a bush, resigning herself to the dreadful story line.

Her shirt was black with the words "90 Angel" in silver sparkle in the front. She also wore a blue jean short-sleeved jacket that had a zipper in the middle. And she was wearing tight black leather pants.

"Why do they have to describe her clothing every other sentence? Nobody cares."

"And it's not as if she even has good fashion sense," muttered Alana. "How can she afford leather pants anyway?"

"She's a genius remember?"

"Oh yes. A twenty-two year old high school genius."

They all gasped as the animal slowly opened its dazed eyes. It looked up at the strange people and growled as it raised itself into a crouched position. They all stepped away as it climbed to its feet and as it shook its head to get its eyes cleared and looked around, spotting the girl. It ran to her side and nuzzles – here, the two agents winced as everything snapped into present tense. It is difficult to explain the sensation if you have never experienced it, but it can best be described as being shoved from a hot tub into a freezing cold lake, suddenly plunged about fifty feet under without being able to clear your ears, and then hit in the head for good measure. - into her neck, slightly pushing and purring. When the girl doesn't respond, the animal pushes at her neck a little harder and purrs louder.

Alana bit her tongue very hard to prevent herself from doing something she would regret. Sarah absentmindedly shredded a leaf beside her. "You know," she whispered as he grabbed a chunk of Aragorn's clothes and pulled him towards the young woman. "The tiger's not very smart is he? He mistrusted Aragorn and the hobbits for all of what, ten seconds?"

Alana paid no attention. "How did it manage to grab a 'chunk' of clothing?"

"I hate these stories."

They cautiously followed the group at a short distance behind, Alana attempting to read ahead and walk simultaneously. "I don't want to follow them into the marshes," muttered Sarah after a good twenty minutes of this. "I don't like midges. They itch."

Alana stared coldly at her partner. The story had put her in a foul mood. "There's some nice little instant attachment with our Sue and the others, and then six days that go by without very much description. If you can't handle a few midges, we can skip past them right now."

"Alana, don't be like that," Sarah said reproachfully.

"Me? Don't be like that?!!" Alana hissed furiously, so upset that she began using multiple punctuation marks. "Have you read this story?"

"Well, there hasn't been very much time…" said Sarah timidly. She hadn't encountered this sort of violent reaction from her new partner yet, and she wasn't sure how to deal with it. Had it not been Alana, Sarah would have sworn she was close to tears.

"Well I just skimmed through it. And the author… and I use the term loosely here… just put up a new chapter." Alana's voice was now trembling with rage. The ugly expression currently gracing her face looked quite out of place on her newly elven features.

"And…"

"And do you know what she does to Boromir?! Right before he dies, right after he's tempted by the ring? SHE MAKES HIM TRY TO RAPE HER!!!!" It was just as well that they were at a distance from the others, because the older agent's voice had risen considerably.

"Shhhhh! I know it's bad, but we don't want them to hear us." Sarah was feeling quite useless. She was used to being the spastic, unpredictable one. Now in the opposing position, she wasn't quite sure what to do. "Listen, we'll kill her, we'll make sure she suffers, okay? But we've got to get through this mission. I'm… I'll go watch them bond, then we'll portal to Weathertop a couple of hours before they get there, ok?"

There was no response. Sarah hastily left the assassin where she was and headed over to the group, where Rose was just awakening.

Rose smiled and started petting Bijan, making sure to rub him behind his ear. Bijan, enjoying the attention, closed his eyes and moved his head closer to Rose's hand as he began to purr. Merry and Pippin were "oohing" and "awing" at the sound of Bijan's purring.

"If the author could write well, this story wouldn't be so bad," Sarah mumbled to nobody in particular. "Wait, I change my mind, it would." Having seen all that she needed to, she returned to her homicidal colleague, praying that Alana had cooled down somewhat. She was not entirely disappointed. Alana's fiery vehemence seemed to have turned to a cold fury. Cold, but deadly.

"You doing ok?"

Alana turned toward her concerned partner and smiled. Not a nice smile. It strongly resembled the expression on a homicidal maniac just before slitting its victim's throat. Menacing. Extremely disturbing. "Sarah. Do you know what I'm going to do to her?"

"Erm… No?" said Sarah nervously.

"She wants to be raped and beaten and tortured? Fine. First I'm going to give her to a bunch of orcs. Maybe Uruk-Hai if they're not sterile. And then I'm going to peel all of the skin off of her. And then-"

"Got it. Great. Sounds good. I'll get pictures. Let's go shall we?" And grabbing Alana's arm, she seized the Remote Activator from the distraught assassin's grip and punched in the coordinates. A portal appeared, and Sarah firmly steered them both through. This was going to be a long mission.

"I'm fine now. Go away," snapped Alana. Sarah had been trying her very best for the past half hour to engage her in conversation. The younger assassin had the terrible habit of talking about whatever was upsetting the other person most at that moment. Subconsciously, she probably thought it made conversation far more interesting. Thankfully, Alana hadn't taken the bait, or she might have been worked up into such a state that the Sue would, this very moment, be dead. While this might seem to be a good thing, Upstairs frowned upon Mary-Sues being killed without being charged.

Night was falling, and the hobbits were asleep in the watchtower. Alana, having snapped back into her silent-but-deadly mode, beckoned to Sarah. They quietly crept up so that they had a good view of everything that was going on. Making herself comfortable, Sarah began to search through her pack. "Corn nuts?"

"No thank you."

They looked on grimly as the Nazgûl arrived. The scene was fairly normal, save for the Siberian tiger attempting to attack them. He was quickly thrown aside, and everything was going perfectly until…

"HEY UGLY!"

"Ooooh, that was a seriously scorching insult."

The Nazgûls stopped as they, along with the now conscious Hobbits, looked up and saw Rose. Her face's hard and eyes cold with hatred. They all watched amazed as Rose jumped and flipped, landing in front of them, standing protectively in front of Frodo, her Elvin blades drawn and in her hands. In the moonlight, her blades glistened. The Witch-King and the other Nazgûls stared at her. Then Witch-King stepped forward, slowly followed by the others.

"And the moment we've all been waiting for… the appearance of Warrior!Sue," sighed Alana. She couldn't take this anymore. She just wanted to strangle the Thing and get it over with. The pair looked on bemusedly as Rose proceeded to prove herself quite a match for the Witch King, and then take the Morgul blade for Frodo.

"ROSE/KAT!" Frodo cried.

The assassins sniggered.

Apparently Aragorn had been standing in the background for the past five minutes, for only now did he appear and set fire to the wraiths.

"Let's go," whispered Alana. "From here to Rivendell it's all exactly like the movie, except with… uh… Rose/Kat dying instead of Frodo, and an occasional groveling hobbit. And I don't want to hear the author's note inserted into the story, they always hurt my ears. And being an elf won't help matters."

"I heartily agree. Lead on Captain."

The Author's Note: I know this chapter was a little short. I wasn't planning on updating until tomorrow due to the huge chemistry exam I ought to be studying for at this very moment. However, after our favourite Suethor's latest update, I felt I needed to put up something. It was horrible, absolutely horrible. If you get a chance, go to my profile and click on the link to the original story. You don't have to read through the whole thing, just go to Chapter 15 and read it through. And then, for the love of Tolkien, flame her. If you have to, do it instead of reviewing this story. It's… it's terrible. 'Nough said.