A/N: Coming from angst to the gutter – whew, I'm beat! Hahahaha! How was Halloween y'all? We don't really go out in costumes, going trick-or-treating here in the Philippines. Instead we head on over to the cemetery and visit our dearly departed. So there, went to the memorial park to visit my grandmother and my dad.

Thanks for the feedback on the previous crappy chapter (hahaha, I really don't like that chapter, you can tell.) I hope this one gets the same lovin'.

Enjoy!

And babe is this all we ever could be?

Hangovers suck. Deliberately getting myself drunk as hell sucks. But getting drunk in front of Mac as a façade to tell him how I really feel… is a bitch.

I sat up on my bed, dressed in my work clothes from yesterday, smelling of beer and… I know what that scent is, I just needed to double-check. Mac's cologne. He never puts it on when he's on the clock. Yet, I know this from a mile away because I gave this to him.

Last night was patches to me, as much as I would like to recall what happened. It will be very weird today at work. What did I say? What did I do? I remember opening beer bottles and downing them. I could remember opening the door to Mac and he…

My hand flew to my forehead. Tears began to fall once more. He kissed me. Memories came flooding back to me. I remember now, I told him… I told him that it hurts. My heart wrenches whenever I see him happy because of Peyton. Because before, it was me who puts those rare smiles on his face.

Still, I will myself to be happy for him. I'm sick of telling myself that; everyday it's getting harder and harder to do so. Because as the days pass, the reality sets in. He's happy with somebody else.

Peyton asking me about him doesn't help the situation. And I don't know what came over me… I actually helped her out; told her what Mac likes and his passions. I guess, like a mother checking if everything's in order with his son's activities – that's me being protective of my friend.

There is no use in moping around here nursing a broken heart. And they'll expect me at work in about an hour so I took a quick batch, ate a piece of toast and a glass of milk and went out.

It's raining cats and dogs today. Maybe the skies are crying with me. I get to the lab in one piece, only to find Mac waiting for me in the building's lobby. Gee…I never expected this 'conversation' to be this early. But every step I take, takes me closer to the one man I plan to avoid today.

He was wearing his stern face now. I know that we'll have this 'conversation' right here, right now. As I approached, he held the elevator doors open and waited for me to go inside. I guess not now.

The ride to the 35th floor to our lab is a particularly quiet one. It was just the two of us in the car; no one else went on. He was looking straight ahead, breathing evenly – a stark contrast to my near-erratic breathing. I feel like a teenager in trouble, awaiting a scolding from her father. I walk with him to his office where he opens the door for me again. Sitting down on one of his office chairs, I start the impending 'conversation'.

"Mac, whatever I said last night, I didn't mean it," I lied. "What can you expect from a drunk me?" I tried to laugh but it came out sounding like a whine.

He remained silent as he rifled through the notes on his table. At the moment, I waited for his reply but… "Stella, I want you to work with Sheldon on this one. Flack's already waiting on the scene," he said, handing me a folder as if he didn't hear what I just said.

"That's it?" I almost scream incredulously. That's it?

"Yeah, that's it," he simply replied. "New Yorkers tend to stay inside when it's raining."

What does that supposed to mean? I stand up forcefully and march out of his office. Apparently, he's avoiding 'the conversation' too.

It's like this for a week… and then another… until it became a whole month. The only times Mac talks to me are when he's assigning me a case or evaluating my case files. Every after shift, he goes on a date with Peyton. He makes it a point that I see that they're together holding hands as they walk away. Mac never meets my gaze but Peyton's apologetic smile explains everything.

I would be lying if I say it doesn't hurt as much. It does. Danny's starting to notice that things between Mac and I aren't the same as before. Then I find out that Mac confided in him about his 'problem'. Our problem – whatever that is.

Peyton continues to talk to me, taking pointers about Mac. But every time she calls, she sounds more and more contrite about it. There are times she buys me expensive stuff maybe to make up for what she's doing. I appreciate them but that doesn't make me feel any better.

I don't know why I keep on meeting up with her. I guess that's the only legitimate personal connection I have with Mac. If someone can make him happy because I told that someone how to, that's fine by me.

Martyr, I know. I guess when you love someone enough, you're willing to do the craziest things.

mj0621 – Hahahaha! Mac can be my dad lol (Gary's eldest and youngest daughters are of the same age as me and my brother). If he's drool-worthy here in CSI:NY, imagine how much drool buckets are full whenever I watch Forrest Gump and Apollo 13.

AliasCSINYFriendsER – The new story is called "Trapped – SMACked Style"

ChocoBetty – I tend to get inspiration off other fics but right now, I haven't read a good long SMACked angst. So I took inspiration from my friend's experience.