Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found in my profile.

Chapter 3

"Ok, so she's due to wake up, right about… now."

The assassins no longer needed to be concerned about being noticed. Unless pointed out by Miss Mary-Sue herself, they would not be spotted by any resident of Imladris. And it was doubtful that Rose/Kat (whom Alana had dubbed 'Gurth en Canon' – Sindarin for 'Death of Canon'. As there was no direct translation for the word 'canon' she had to make do with what she had. They both thought it quite appropriate.) could tell the difference between a troll and an Uruk-Hai, much less between elves of different ancestries. However, they had settled just outside of her window in order to watch the dismal awakening scene.

Rose slowly opened her eyes to see herself lying in a white bed. She looked down to her right and saw Bijan, sleeping. She smiled and he somehow knew she was awake that he awoke and jumped onto the bed and licked her face.

"Did the author even bother to read that aloud to herself? Because she would have known how… bad it is. How much it doesn't make sense. She saw herself lying… aside from the grammar, is her spirit disconnected from her body? Because I don't see a mirror anywhere."

"The precious needssss commas, yes we does," mumbled Sarah, rocking back and forth. "But where the commassss are, precious doesn't knows."

"Where am I?" Rose says half-sleep.

The agents had braced themselves for the snap into present tense, but it didn't make the transition any easier. "Precious needssss Advils."

Alana closed her eyes and sank to the ground, laying her head back against the stone wall. She had killed many, many Sues in her years with the PPC. But this… this atrocity, had to be among the worst. If it hadn't been so long, she would have sworn it was a parody. And the Boromir bit had driven her over the edge. One of many edges. No author had a right to do this to Tolkien's work.

They watched Rose act as though she had known Gandalf for her entire life, and the hobbits enter the room.

Rose looks at Frodo to see him looking down. Rose gently lays a hand on his shoulder. Frodo looks up. She was little taken back by the emotions that plagued his eyes. There was anguish, grief, and regret. She smiled weakly at him, which he nervously returned.

"It's not your fault, Frodo." She coos. "I didn't want you to be stabbed and have to bear that kind of pain." She smiles. "I'm glad it was me and not you." Frodo smiles wider. She then hugged him, Frodo being careful at her wound.

Sarah's left eye twitched. Alana mimed throwing up.

"It vaguely says something about when she was healed," said Sarah, standing up and brushing the grass she had been listlessly uprooting off of her lap. "I dunno when that will be, so do you think we should-"

And then she fell through a plothole. Alana, quite familiar with them by now, followed. They landed with a thump not far from Rose and Bilbo.

Today, she was wearing a white dress that went to the floor, yet she didn't trip. It was outlined with gold lining. Her hair was that in a French twist.

"Stop. Describing. Your. Bloody. Clothes."

"We've got to find Elrond and Gandalf," whispered Alana.

"Isn't it where they were talking, in the movie… wherever that is?"

It was a very incoherent statement, but Alana understood. "Follow," she said sharply.

Now without fear of being noticed, the agents trailed Gandalf and Elrond a few feet behind. Any happiness that they might have felt at being back in Rivendell was quickly extinguished as they listened to the discussion between the two concerning how special she was.

Elrond looks at Gandalf. "She's the prophesied one. She's a Sun child." Gandalf raises an eyebrow. "She was born on the day when the planets and the sun aligned." Elrond continues. "Once she reaches her 23rd birthday, her true form will be revealed. It is she that will bring the downfall of Sauron."

"Let me guess… an elf. I haven't even read that far. But I'll bet anything her 'true form' is an elf."

Alana shook her head and sighed. "Let's get food." The assassins walked out into the sunlight, trying to ignore the hobbits fawning over Rose fifty feet away. Sarah was wondering if walking all of the way back to the tree where they had their equipment to get Advil would be worth the effort, when she spotted Boromir.

So did Mary-Sue.

As Boromir got from his stead, he looked around and stopped on Rose. He inhaled deeply. "She's so beautiful!" He thought. "I must have her!"

He smiled at her; she looked away and returned her attention back to the Hobbits.

He smiled wickedly.

"Nice 'stead'" whispered Sarah, attempting to keep the mood light.

If looks could kill, 'Rose/Kat' would be dead, judging by the expression on Alana's face. She shakily took out her Canon Analysis Device and pointed it at Boromir.

Boromir. Human Male. Canon/noncanon/canonnon. Out of Character 19834.88947Great-Auntumbrella!!errorPress/Onefor/Morepie

And then it went blank.

Alana shook it disbelievingly. "It died."

"Makes-Things isn't going to be happy."

Who came next took her breath away. This one had long blonde hair that went past his shoulders. Some of his hair's braided. He has beautiful cerulean eyes, sometimes they darkened and some people were in trance when they looked upon them.

"How much you want to bet the author came up with the word 'cerulean' when she looked up 'blue' in the thesaurus?" Sarah muttered. Alana remained silently furious.

His ears are pointy!

"No shit. You're in Rivendell."

Sarah's mind went to a happy place. "'Now we've got to remain completely inconspicuous. Oh my God, it's Jackie Chan! Oh my God, it's Jackie Chan! Oh my God, it's Jackie Chan!' 'Always nice to meet a fan. Oh my God, you're Ethan Hawk! Oh my God-'"

"Sarah?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

His skin tone was like marble, but had a slight pink tone to it. He has bow in his hand and arrows in the bag that was on his back. He wore a brown cloak over his shirt. He had gracefully leapt from his horse and looked around Rivendell in awe.

"I don't understand what's with her and marble skin, but it's bugging the hell out of me."

"Oh my… oh. Wow. It's so… so cheesy. So awful. How is this not a parody?

"What?"

Alana cleared her throat and began to read aloud, her voice adapting an overly-dramatic tone to match the quote. "He suddenly felt her soul call out to him and in return he responded gently. As soon as his soul touched hers, he felt complete and whole. He had felt an instant bond with her. He then saw Aragorn coming to him. And the spell was broken. He felt his soul return to him and felt a hole in his heart. He took one last longing glance at the woman, feeling happiness flow through him as he gazed at her-"

"Now it's your turn to shut up. Let's go get food. We won't be missing anything?"

"Not unless you call her playing grabass with Pippin and running into Legolas missing something."

"Let's eat."

"You mean, you don't want to wait for the ball? We'll get to see her dress that-" here, Alana cleared her throat and read aloud; "resembled that of Galadriel's dress, but a light emerald color. It was low cut to where it showed some of her chest, yet not too much."

Sarah shuddered. "Let's eat."

The two assassins settled themselves at a table in the 'Dining Hall' so that they could keep an eye on the whole affair. Despite having helped themselves to sandwiches fashioned from stolen food in the Rivendell kitchens, they eyed the empty plates in front of them hungrily. It was in the 'Dining Hall', but there had been no mention of food. Alana reached for her MP3 player, while Sarah mimed gagging as she watched Legolas gush over Rose/Kat.

Boromir could do was stare at Rose when she entered. "She is so beautiful."

He had seen her enter the dining hall with the Hobbits and was about to go to her, but Legolas had beaten him to it. He felt rage and jealousy flow through his veins. His rage spiked as he watched Legolas say something to Rose, which he figured, was a compliment and he kissing her hand. Then her blushing and smiling, saying something back.

And then Legolas asked her to dance, and everything spiraled out of control. The younger agent glanced over at her partner anxiously, but Alana's eyes were closed. Thank God. Sarah quietly slipped out of her chair.

"May I cut in?"

Both look to see who it was. It was Boromir. He looked from Legolas to Rose, grinning. She didn't know what it was, but Boromir frightened her. It brought back painful memories. Subconsciously, she moved closer to Legolas, whom tightened his grip on her gently. Legolas turned to face the man before him and was about to protest when Rose cut in.

"I'm sorry, sir, but Legolas is my dance partner." she smiled.

"Bitch," Sarah muttered quietly. As Boromir walked away, she quickly caught up to him and grabbed his hand. "My lord. A word?"

The man of Gondor looked toward her, shook his head, and blinked. It seemed as though a fog lifted from his eyes. "Of course Milady." Sarah smiled faintly. Alana was going to kill her, but she couldn't stand to see Boromir like this.

They stepped out of the 'Dining Hall', and Boromir turned to face her. "I don't believe we've met, Lady…"

"Aranel," Sarah said quickly, her face turning slightly red. At least it was a reasonable Elvish name. 'Sarah' meant 'princess', and the translation of princess into Sindarin was Aranel. And she was currently disguised as an elf. It made perfect sense. Or so she reasoned.

"We don't have very much time Milord. I only wish to tell you that that… that thing, the thoughts that you think about her are not your fault."

Boromir stared at her in surprise. "How is it that you know?"

"It's called a Mary-Sue. I am hunting it."

"Truly Lady Aranel, I do not understand why I should act the way I do whenever I see her. She is lovely, yes, but now that she is not within my sight, and now that you speak to me… I cannot understand why I would act in such a way."

''Tis an evil spell that she weaves Milord. I know you are a man of honour, and it is not in your nature to act like a… like that. And I swear to you that she will get what she deserves. Only…" Sarah looked at Boromir with pity. It was horrible, what this author was doing to him. "Try to fight it Milord. I believe in you." And with that, she quickly curtsied and hurried away, leaving a rather confused Boromir blinking after her.

"Where have you been?" hissed Alana as Sarah slid back into her seat.

"Making sure it's Boromir."

"What are you talking about?"

"He was so out of character that I had to make sure he wasn't… well, not Boromir." Alana nodded.

"I've had that happen before. Eowyn had been replaced by some awful… thing… pretending to be Eowyn." Alana grimaced. It was odd, but although she adored Faramir, she was terribly protective of Eowyn. Worshiped her really. "She was locked away in the nonexistent dungeon of Rohan. But what did you do?"

"Talked to him."

"What?!"

"It's ok. He won't remember any of it anyway."

"Yes, but-"

Given the option, Sarah would have rather been lectured by Alana and then dunked in a vat of hot oil than deal with what came next. Alas, she had no such choice.

"Um," Rose said. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to sing a song that's from my world called "Someday" and I hope you enjoy it."

And then it began.

Within five seconds, Sarah had retrieved her ipod, turned it on, and adjusted the volume so that Korn was blasting into her ears, drowning out everything else. Their Sue had whispered a grand total of one small thing to the musicians. Not only did they have to hear her singing, but whatever the musicians were playing, it wasn't 'Someday'. In fact, it clashed horribly.

♪Someday,
when we are wiser
when the world's older
when we have learned
I pray someday we may yet live
to live and to let live♪

"Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies, pushing all the mercy down, down, down…"

Alana was about to jab Sarah in the arm to get her to shut up, but thought better of it. It didn't sound any better with the background music than Mary-Sue's song did, but there was something oddly comforting about it all. Rose's voice was so fake, so Sueish. Sarah's was real, with an occasional off-pitch note (particularly as she was attempting to sing along to Korn), or a note that was a touch too low for her register. It was reasonably good, but it was genuine.

♪Someday, life will be fairer
need will be rarer, and greed will not pay
God speed this bright millenia on its way
let it come someday♪

"Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies, I'm above you smiling at you - drown, drown, drown. I wanna kill and rape you, the way you raped me. And I'll pull the trigger and you're down, down, down."

It was rather surreal, but oddly appropriate. Alana felt she could forgive her partner for being able to sing so long as she sang about killing, particularly in this setting. As the song ended, Alana tugged the headphones out of Sarah's ears and gestured to her. They slipped out without being noticed.

Sarah fully expected a tongue lashing. To her surprise, Alana only gave a rare, tired smile. "You're all right, even if you are a Mary-Sue."

"Hey, that's mean."

"What? You can sing. You've got golden curls. Well, not right now, but you take my point."

"I've been doing vocal training since I was… six. Add that to some raw talent, and I'd better be good. And I can't help having pretty hair."

"Ok, ok. Let's go find a place to sleep, far away from her quarters. She's going to be singing sappy songs for half of the night while Legolas moons over her and… you're going to love this… has a wet dream about her. Or something to that effect. And sleeps in until noon… Gandalf has to douse him with water to wake him up. I love how that makes sense, him being an elf and all. The council is tomorrow. We can kill her off after that."

"Thank God."

The Author's Note: Thank you to all who flamed that awful story, regardless of whether you did it because of me. I promise Rose/Kat is going to die a painful, horrible death. Apologies for the exchange with Boromir, but I do feel sorry for him... and besides, it was necessary. He's so out of character, he might as well not be Boromir. Please review, it'll make me happy. If you have any stories that you'd like me to PPC, feel free to send it to me.