Lorelai stares out the window in front of her, the headlights of the cars passing in the opposite direction flash in her eyes. She can feel Luke's presence to her left and she can hear Gabriel's soft sighs from the cradle car seat in the back seat, but her mind was drifting. She can still hear Rory's words in her mind, the truth that Rory had disclosed to them a few nights ago.
After Anna had picked up April that evening, Lorelai had coerced Rory into finally revealing how things had gone with Dawn. The more she thought about Dawn Devers, the more fault she found in her own parenting skills. Dawn had found a way to include her family in Gabriel's life, as a single parent she had been able to own a place with enough room to create a whole nursery for Gabriel and on days that she had to work, she had found a wonderful daycare center for Gabriel to stay in that wasn't far from her work so she could visit with him during her breaks and lunch. Even if Lorelai had enough money, she would have never been able to give Rory all of that and with her and Luke, Gabriel would never know any more family, Luke was all the real family he would have. Would that be enough? Or would Julie Moss see that she and Luke were trying to keep Gabriel all to themselves and prefer that he be with more of his real family? It was just so hard to predict the whole thing and Lorelai had come up with multiple reasons that Julie would pick Dawn over herself and Luke.
True, Rory didn't seem to feel that way. She did seem to agree that Dawn had done her best to make room in her life for Gabriel. Rory said it seemed that Gabriel would also be happy with Dawn, in the arms of someone who also cared very much for him and wanted him to get to know his father's side of the family. But there was something that Rory had said that night that had stuck with her. "Mom, there's a difference between you guys and Dawn. To Dawn, Gabriel is an addition to her life. To you guys, Gabriel is the center of your life. It's so clear, so easy to see, if you just open your eyes," Rory told her as she helped Lorelai get Gabriel ready for bed that night. Lorelai had considered Rory's thoughts as she slowly buttoned up Gabriel's pajamas. Even the boy gurgling and blowing raspberries at her couldn't distract her from her thoughts, from wondering again if even now, after they had fixed things, that they should still be centering their lives around a boy they might never raise.
Luke's hand grasping hers startles her from her thoughts. She glances over at him to find him watching her and wonders for a second how he can take his eyes off the road for that long, until she realizes the car isn't moving. But the way he's looking at her isn't suggesting that he's letting her know they arrived at her parents' house, it's like he's reading her thoughts. Not that this is anything new, he always could, at least for the most part, and whatever kept him from doing that for those few months seems to have been nothing more than the biggest case of miscommunication in the post Nixon era. How she ever let it go on that long, she'll never know, because their ability to completely understand each other without a word passing between had kept her sane long before he kissed her on the porch of the Dragonfly. Other than Rory's constant devotion, it was the one thing she had depended on for over ten years now, the one thing she would give up almost anything that had ever been important to her for.
He watches as she looks back down at their hands smiling softly at the silver band on her finger reflected against the tanned skin of his hand. The smile was lovely and adorable but it doesn't seem to reach to her eyes that seem a sad blue, sad and worried. It is as if her eyes and smile belong on two completely different faces and he wonders which is the truth, suspecting that her eyes are revealing what she's trying to hide. His only concern is that she knows that she never has to hide anything from him, not a secret, not a feeling, not that he believes she would ever hide anything real from him, nothing big. He knows that now, she learned her lesson a few years ago when they had broken up after she hid her platonic visit with Christopher. Of course, he hadn't been so pleased with her new found love of telling the truth when she informed him of her night with Christopher early last May. It had killed him, the whole idea of it, the fact that she was hurting because of what he had done, or actually hadn't done, in so much pain that she went to Christopher, let him lay his hands on her, let him comfort her, let him lie with her. She was his, she was his girl, his perfect, wonderful, sweet, amazing woman that he had pledged his love to and then ignored his own vow by placing his daughter, his work, and most of his life before her, separating her out of his life as if she didn't belong.
The thing is, she does belong in his life, more than anyone ever belonged in his life, just as he belongs in hers, he knows that now. Well, he's known that for awhile, but now he knows what life would be like without her and knows that their lives are irreparably meshed.
He can still see the expression in her eyes as he walked up to the gazebo on June 3rd, the look mixed of loss and despair, shorn pieces of her wedding dress around her, a pair of scissors in her hands, mascara lines on her cheeks. His heart had leapt in his chest as he looked at her like a goddess ripped from the heavens, Persephone stolen from her mother's arms to live her life in Hades, wanting to go back to her mother, wanting to go back her the life she loved, but held back by her own sin, eating a bit of the evil fruit that would destroy her dream of a life of happiness forever. Though a part of him wanted to hold her tight, wipe away the misery that shrouded her, he wasn't ready. He had only come because it was June 3rd, it was the day he had ruined and he knew that he couldn't not see her on that day, that she needed to see him, just know that he knew the awful significance of the day. Silently she had stood and with shaking fingers had removed the glittering ring from her left hand, holding it between her fingers for a moment as she took one long last look at the last tie she had to him. Then, just as a tear fell from her mournful eyes, somehow managing to hit the gleaming diamond in a way that sent rays of light all around her, allowing her to seem, if only for a second, like she was an angel, like the skies had opened up and blazed her in a beam of glory. Laying the ring in his hand, the magic disappeared. He had taken his eyes from the ring up to look at her and all he had seen was the wretched person who had taken his heart full, held it in her small perfect hands, and smashed it into a million pieces that only she would know how to put back together. With a heavy heart, she had gathered up the pieces of silk and tulle, and had walked away and though he had no desire in that moment to chase after her, he was relieved that she had left the scissors behind.
He had known that if she got through that day she would be okay, at least able to put on a front to convince others that she would be able to make it through the rest of her days. That's why he had stayed away, that's why he had gone fishing, that's why he had gone out of his way to not have to face her for all those months. He would have know it was nothing more than a façade
Most people who ever knew Lorelai would remember her for the quick wit and pop references but it was the silence between, although sometimes only a few seconds long, that actually revealed who she really was deep inside. Maybe this was only clear to him as she tried to hide herself from most of the world, but it was the truth, precise and definite truth. It was in fact true that he loved her as much for her optimism and love of life as her extreme lack of self-worth and self-confidence. Sometimes it seemed that she was only a compliment to himself, weak when he was strong, thriving where he was lacking. Again he is reminded that it wasn't because she didn't love him that she had turned to Christopher, it was that she had lost faith in his love, had felt a part of her break away, the part that he had provided to keep her from falling to pieces. So broken, lost and empty, she had searched for a quick way to keep from falling apart. He knew that without him, she was no longer whole.
Lorelai gets out of the car and opens the back door to unlock the straps holding Gabriel to the car seat and lift him into her arms. As she does this, Luke gets out of the car and walks around to help her, grabbing the baby bag out of the backseat and placing it on his shoulder. Holding a whimpering Gabriel again her chest, she looks up at Luke, her expression now soulful. "Luke, you said with or without Gabriel?" she asks softly. He nods, remembering that he had said to that to convince her that he wanted to be with her no matter what, that he wanted their marriage to be real and not a farce, that it wasn't just the adoption of Gabriel that tied him to her, it was his deep eternal love for her that made him want to spend the rest of his life with her. "I want it to be with," she finishes so sincerely that it almost breaks his heart.
Leaning down and kissing her softly, he places one hand on the baby's back. Momentarily he rests his forehead against hers, breathing in her distinct smell that had made his heart ache whenever he thought about it for those six months. "I'd like nothing better than that. But you'll always have me and even if things don't go our way, we'll always love him," he tells her and places a kiss on her forehead. He pulls back as a car door slams behind them.
She glances over with alarm, but her face lights up in pleasure as Rory walks over to them. "Hey there Sweets," Lorelai says, her voice still seeming emotional. She and Rory share a one armed hug. "So, ready to face the Draytons?" Rory giggles, sharing a smile with Luke. He nods to her and she leads them to the door, Luke guiding Lorelai with a hand on the small of her back.
Only moments after ringing the bell, the front door opens to reveal a very proper looking Emily Gilmore. "Oh you… came…" Emily says, at first seeming delighted with the company standing in front of her but with a second look, her tone becomes bitter. Lorelai purses her lips, knowing full well why her mother is so displeased with the group. When her mother had called the day before to request her presence at Friday Night Dinner, Lorelai had somewhat purposely 'forgotten' to mention that her husband and nephew would be joining her. It wasn't that she wanted to make Luke uncomfortable, far from that, it was more of a test, a final test, she needed to finally know if Emily would ever accept her life as it was. It wouldn't do to give Emily enough notice to prepare the same treatment she had once had for her grandmother Trix. "Hello Luke, I wasn't aware that you would be joining us," Emily greets Luke with a sickly sweet voice.
"He's my husband, Mom. These wedding rings weren't a gag gift you know," Lorelai half-grumbles, half-jokes. She and Emily share a hard look for a moment, until finally Emily gives in and steps back, allowing the family to step inside. She watches as Emily turns her gaze from Luke to the baby in her arms and she grins, moving Gabriel to her hip. "Have you met Gabriel?" Lorelai asks innocently.
"No, I haven't. It is nice to meet you Gabriel," Emily replies shortly, causing Lorelai to chortle with laughter. "What?"
"Mom, he's six months old, he has no idea what you just said!" Lorelai exclaims but Emily only arches an eyebrow in response.
"Come along," Emily says and walks away. Rory glances back at Luke, who shrugs, and she walks into the living room. He looks over at his wife, both taking a deep breath, sharing a look of understanding.
She can tell that he knows her secret plan, he always knew when she was up to something, but somehow she doesn't care. This is going to be the last time she lets her mother hold back her dreams because she's waiting for Emily's approval. That's over. She married Luke. She's hoping to adopt Gabriel. She's about to turn 39, it's finally time to make her own decisions. "My boyfriend's back and you're gonna get in trouble," she sings softly electing a grudging grin from Luke. She smiles back and then takes Gabriel's small hand in her fingers. "Hey na, Hey na, my boyfriend's back," she sings to the boy in her arms and he gurgles back at her.
With a nod, Luke guides his wife and nephew into the living room. "Hello Luke, Lorelai," Richard says stiffly nodding to each and handing Luke a beer. Lorelai raises an eyebrow at Emily and shakes her head, not wanting to get into it again. Luke leads her over to the couch and they sit, Lorelai adjusting Gabriel to sit in her lap, leaning in towards Luke, who wraps an arm around Lorelai. Richard sets a glass of wine on the table in front of Lorelai and hands a glass to Rory, who sits next to Emily on the opposite couch, before settling himself in one of the chairs.
They all sit in an awkward silence, glancing at each other, except Lorelai who turns her attentions to Gabriel, turning him to face her. She tickles his tummy and he grabs onto her fingers as he giggles and she giggles as well. "So, Rory, are you all prepared to graduate? It's less than two months away," Richard asks, turning his attentions to his granddaughter. This gives Luke leave to stop politely focusing on his new in-laws and whispers something in Lorelai's ear, which makes her smile broader and she laughs. Luke reaches into the baby bag and pulls out the Rock-A-Stack rings that Lorelai had claimed no baby should do without. They proceed to unstuck and restack the rainbow colored rings, handing them to Gabriel, who flaps his hand, squealing in delight.
From across the room, Emily is the only one still watching the Danes's. The pure look of exhilaration covers Lorelai's face as she takes pleasure in the company of her husband and nephew. As Emily watches her daughter, she wonders if she ever really knew her at all. This man came from nowhere years ago and had entrenched himself into the lives of her daughter and granddaughter. It isn't that she doesn't like the man, he's a good man, he loves her girls, he seems to go out of his way for them. No, it's not that. She fears him, she has since the moment she met him when she watched her daughter throw her arms around him at her granddaughter's sixteenth birthday party. She had known right then, right at that moment, that her daughter had feelings for him, that maybe the reason Lorelai tried to hide was because these were feelings far different from anything she had ever experienced before. Emily had always thought that eventually Lorelai would see the light and come home to the safety of this house, to the security of her parents' money. But this man… In an instant, he had offered Lorelai all this and more, patience, tenderness, and love. Just as she had always feared, Lorelai had found in this man what she had never found in Emily, no longer could she ever have any hope that Lorelai would come home.
But, yet, she seems so inordinately content.
"So, when do you finally hear from the judge about Gabriel?" Emily asks. Lorelai freezes and glances up at her, completely stunned. There wasn't a hint of sarcasm in her mother's voice, not a bit of cynicism, not a touch of scorn. Maybe she had been too quick to judge her mother. Indeed it had been shocking when Emily shared in her bereavement back at the realtors last April when Lorelai had finally given into what she felt was the truth that Luke no longer wanted to marry her, that he no longer loved her at all, just as she had always feared.
She feels Luke's hand rub her shoulder and she smiles over at her mother. "We're meeting with the lawyers and the judge this week. Little Elian Gonzalez here is very excited," Lorelai responds with a wink at the boy in her lap.
The wind blows her hair out of her face as she walks silently beside him, pushing the stroller in front of her. Normally, even on a beautiful day like today, on a nice walk like this, she'd be chattering away about Rory, the movie she saw last night, and how Apricot had killed a mouse in their backyard last week. But this wasn't the place and time for that. Not at all. This cemetery was too solemn, too somber, even in a large group, one would get lost in the solitude that this place presents
She looks around at the splendor that surrounds her. Yes, an odd word to use for a cemetery, but the only true one. There are miles upon miles of small gravestones, all very similar, but each engraved with a distinctive epitaph written by loved ones, interspersed with a few monuments, not gothic ones as are seen in many cemeteries, but angels looking over those passed long ago. She knows there is some history to be discovered here in this cemetery, soldiers grieved after dangerous battles, children laid to rest soon after birth, families laid side by side in hopes that they would be together for eternity. The grass beneath her feet is greener than the dye she put in her hair on St. Patrick's Day two years ago, it's so bright green and brilliant that it almost seems like fake grass, but she know that's impossible, Taylor would never allow it. In fact the blue of the sky on this quiet March day only leads her to believe that the month really is going to go out like a lamb.
Finally Luke slows to stroll and then stops in front of the graves he has been looking for. William Patrick Danes. Charlotte Luisa Danes. She hears him slowly draw in a breath and loudly, gradually release it. Returning to her role of dutiful wife, she lets him be with his thoughts for a moment, looking down at the gravestones, but out of the corner of her eye she sees his hand. He's reaching out, he's reaching for her, but his eyes are still focused on the names in front of him. She places her hand in his, interlacing their fingers, squeezing his hand tightly. He can dwell as much as much as he wants in the gloomy memories of his past, but as long as she knows that he needs her by his side to keep him grounded, then she'll stand silently by, letting her presence free him from the guilt and sadness that shrouds him in this place.
He drops to his knees, his hand slipping from hers as he lands on the ground at the foot of his parents' graves. Lorelai can only think to lay a hand on his shoulder, supporting him in any way she can. His face seems lax and dark, so familiar an expression to her, like those dark days after Liz died, or the two November 30th that had passed during their relationship. She knows that look, that expression, and it never ceases to make her get choked up, make her throat close, make her jelly-like inside and ready to cry at any moment. "She should be here," he says softly, mournfully, and she wants to throw her arms around him but she can't, he's not ready for that yet and she thinks he knows that too. There's an odd sound that comes from him just then, like a sob has gotten caught.
She drops to her knees next to him, taking his left hand in both of hers. "Luke, where would she want to be?" she asks, knowing that he'll know the true answer to her question. He drops his chin to his chest and takes a deep breath, then he looks over at her and she has to bite her lower lip to keep from gasping. He just looks so sad and lost, there's really no other way to describe it. He seems to be searching for a way out and all she can hope is that he finds it within her. She feels him fidget his hand, grasping hers tightly, and she knows that he is using her as the light to guide him.
He glances back at the gravestones. "It's just that… I want to be buried with them when I die," he says and then takes her other hand in his. "Lorelai, promise me you'll do that." She can feel her face go white and releases one of her hands to search for the ground as she feels her knees weaken and she falls back. In fact, she lets go of both of his hands, her other hand moving up to cover her mouth as she concentrates on breathing for a moment.
"Luke I know… I know you love your parents," she manages, the thought of Luke dying flashing through her mind and bringing on the start of a panic attack. She stares up at him and reaches for him, wanting to feel him, wanting to know he's there, he's with her, he's alive. Leaning forward and wrapping her arms around his midsection, she lays her head on his chest, listening intently to the beat of his heart. It's the sound of life flowing through him and she knows her heart is pulsing with his because his life is her life and without him she is nothing. "When I die, I want to be wherever you are," she says, muffled by the flannel that covered his chest.
He wraps his arms around her, holding her tight to him, fearing that he may have scared her by his dark thoughts. "But your parents…" He feels her shake her head and realizes the depth of what she's vowing. To promise eternal devotion is extreme, especially for the woman in his arms, he knows this, he knows her fears, that she worries, as he does, that everyone he's ever loved will eventually leave him. He's managed through Liz's death and the deaths of both of his parents, but Lorelai's would be something different, something he's not sure he could overcome. Lifting his hand, he places his fingers underneath her chin and tilts her face up to look at him. "You are my family. I would follow you anywhere," he tells her earnestly and hears her breath catch in her throat. Her chin trembles and he can see her eyes fill with tears, as he struggles to maintain control of his own emotions. "And I know…" he begins but trails off when his voice cracks.
She chews on her lower lips for a moment, just gazing up into his eyes. "And you know I would never leave. Because this is my home, this town is where I belong. You are all I need, my entire family," she vows. All he can think of to do at the moment is to lower his lips to hers, capturing his lips in a long, sweet, tender, emotional kiss. She lifts her hands to his cheeks to hold his lips to hers just a bit longer as a few tears drift down her cheeks, but as she pulls back, she realizes that the small drop of water on her hand came from his eyes and not her own.
Nodding his chin towards the stroller that sits next to her, she smiles softly. She turns and unbuckles Gabriel, lifting him into her arms and sitting back. Luke does the same, pulling her to sit between his legs, so he's wrapping both his wife and nephew in his arms at once, like they are one cohesive person. Pressing a kiss on to Lorelai's shoulder, he reaches his hand towards Gabriel, who grabs onto his finger in childish delight. Even though the entire day has been full grave and somber tones, he can't help but smile. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet your grandson, Gabriel and your daughter, Lorelai," he says placing a hand on the grass over his father's final resting place.
Lorelai feels her heart clench in her chest as Luke speaks his firm and tender words. The remark is so magical, it lights her heart on fire and makes it melt all at the same time. And yet here she is, wrapped in Luke, holding Gabriel in her lap, and it seems almost that the world has come to an end right at this moment, that the Earth has stopped spinning on its axis and everything else has ceased to exist, that the solitude she felt in this place, in this cemetery has enveloped her and her nephew and her husband all together into one complete package, one perfect little family.