Chapter Three
The suns slips down out of the sky, leaving us in the dark. My lips start moving, but no sound comes out at first, it is like I have to work up the energy to form words.
I sing to him a song I heard on the radio not long after I had the miscarriage. Ever since then it has represented to me love in it's purest form- the kind that transcends logic, life and death.
My words are so soft I don't know if he can hear me. I am not sure he is even still conscious. "All alone, I didn't like the feeling. All alone, I sat and cried. All alone, I had to find some meaning in the center of the pain I felt inside.
All alone, I came into the world. All alone, I will someday die. Solid stone is just sand and water, baby. Sand and water, and a million years gone by."
Jason opened my heart and taught me about love that has no height, depth or limit. And even in this day he has given me a gift. He has let me spend his last moments with him.
But it is not over yet. For his chest still, ever so slightly, rises and falls.
My
lips barely move as I sing, the words sound less like a song and more
like a promise,
"I will see you in the light of a thousand
suns. I will hear you in the sound of the waves. I will know you when
I come, as we all will come, through the doors beyond the grave.
All
alone, I heal this heart of sorrow. All alone, I raise this child.
Flesh and bone, he's just bursting towards tomorrow. And his laughter
fills my world, and wears your smile.
All alone, I came into the world. All alone, I will someday die."
My hand moves up to rest on his heart. Why is it slowing down?
How can this be fair, God? Tell me that. You have taken my unborn baby. You have my father. You can not have Jason.
Jason is mine, God. You just have to understand that. Let him stay with me. Please. Please.
What do you want?!
You can have anything but my boys, mother, brother, Lulu, Lucky... leave me the Spencers you can have anything else...you can take the money, the house, the business.
You want all that, have it!
You can take my health. Take my legs, my arms. But not Jason...not Jason, okay? Deal?
I finally look up and he is still. I shake him but even as his body moves beneath my hands there is not recognition in his face, he stays asleep... or...
My head falls to his chest. Nothing.
I hear a moan and look at him. Nothing. The moan was me.