Chapter 23: Let It All Out

Marissa got up and paced the waiting room.

"Hey, come on sit down," Jimmy said patting the seat beside him. "Everything's going to be fine."

Marissa looked at her dad unconvinced but sat down again. They sat in silence until Marissa started tapping her foot. She didn't know why she was so nervous. She had done it before, which she realised was not something to be proud of. She felt a hand rest on her leg to stop it from shaking. She looked at her dad, who she realised actually looked slightly amused at how nervous she was.

"Hey, don't be so nervous," he said with a smile.

"Sorry but going to see a therapist isn't exactly my favourite past time." He clasped her hand in his and held it tightly.

"I met up with her the other day to organise your appointments and she seems really nice."

"Dad!" Marissa said as she saw a sparkle in his eye.

"Not like that. I just mean she seemed umm, you know, helpful."

"Uh huh," she said, not convinced. She would love it if her dad met someone, though she would definitely rather it wasn't her therapist.

"Marissa Cooper?"

Marissa looked up at an attractive blonde woman in her mid thirties.

"Yeah," she said as her and Jimmy stood up.

"Hi. We already met," Jimmy said shaking her hand.

"Oh yes. Mr cooper."

"Jimmy," he said smiling. Marissa rolled her eyes.

"Jimmy. I'm Dr Lawrence," she said holding her hand out to Marissa. "I'm guessing you're Marissa," she said shaking her hand. Marissa nodded and smiled. "Well come in," she guided them both into her room and indicated for them to sit on two chairs at a desk opposite her.

"So, Marissa. I've been reading up on your file. I'm just going to start with telling you what the programs going to be like okay?"

"Yeah," Marissa replied, feeling herself start to relax.

"Basically there's a session of 12 hourly appointments. The first few will be each week, but then we'll gradually have bigger gaps until you don't have to come back."

"Is it always 12 or can it be more or less?" Jimmy asked.

"Well 12 is the usual but it is different for each case. During the hour I'll be here to talk to, to listen to give advice. You can either be alone or you can have your dad here or some-one else say a friend or a boyfriend who you think might be able to help you get through something. Now," Dr Lawrence clasped her hands together on the desk as she took a more serious tone. "Your dad here has told me of recent events and that you haven't been able to open up to anyone about what happened. Today I would like to talk with you about what happened."

"Okay," Marissa said shakily.

"Now would you rather your father stayed or left?"

"Umm," she looked at her dad. She really didn't know what she wanted.

"I'll tell you what. How about you and I talk together then I'll have a chat with your dad?"

"Yeah," Marissa said weakly. Jimmy leaned over and held her hand.

"I'll be just outside okay?" Marissa nodded. He kissed her head and left the room, gently closing the door behind him.

"Okay Marissa I've looked through your file but why don't you tell me a bit about yourself."

"Ummm."

"Like what do you like to do in your free time?"

"Uh, I go out with my friends."

"Boyfriend?"

"Yeah, Ryan."

"And how is it between you guys?"

"It's good actually. We seem to spend most of the time breaking up and getting back together, but just now everything's fine."

"How about school? I looked at your grades in your file. Seem to be pretty good, and social chair I see," she said smiling. Marissa nodded and smiled weakly.

"Must be a lot of work."

"Yeah, but I enjoy it. And I get help."

"And what about your parents? Their divorce?"

Marissa looked down at her hands. She didn't really want to talk about that.

"Hey, don't worry. I know how you feel. My parents broke up when I was 15. I remember locking myself in my room and I wouldn't speak to either of them. I was just so angry. Angry at them, myself." Marissa still didn't say anything. Dr Lawrence opened the file. "Was that the reason for what happened in Tijuana?"

Marissa felt her chest tighten. She hated dredging old memories back up.

"Sort of," she mumbled.

"It's okay. What I really want to talk about is what happened to you last week. I know about your attack. So do you want to tell me what happened the day you went back to school? Remember I'm just here to listen and help."

"You'll probably think I was really stupid."

"Try me." Marissa looked up at her and took a deep breath. "Just take your time."

"It was my first day back at school after the attack. I drove in and told my friends that I would meet them at the front of the school. When I got there everyone was just staring at me. I guess things don't stay secret for long in this town. I started to panic and my heart started to beat faster and faster, so I ran to my locker. I was fumbling around with my books when I felt a hand on my shoulder."

She closed her eyes as she felt it happening again.

"It's okay. I know it's difficult." She felt a hand resting on hers. She opened her eyes and saw Dr Lawrence looking her calmly. Marissa took another deep breath and started again.

"When I felt the hand on my shoulder everything came flooding back. When I turned I saw the face of one of my attackers but then suddenly it was just another student. I frantically picked up all my books. When I stood up he was standing a bit away amongst students holding a gun."

"Here," Dr Lawrence handed Marissa a tissue. She wiped tears off her face.

"He started coming towards me so I ran. I got to my car and drove out of school," Marissa swallowed and wiped away more tears.

"It's okay. Take your time," Dr Lawrence filled up a cup of water from a dispenser and handed it to Marissa.

"Thanks," she sat back down and watched as Marissa gathered her courage again. She had seen so many people but Marissa's case had really caught her attention. No one should ever have to go through anything she had. Never mind a 17 year old kid. That's all she was after all. Any innocence she might have had left had just been snatched away from her.

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"So where did you drive to?"

"I went to this life guard stand. I go there a lot to just think."

"What were you thinking that day?"

"To be honest I don't remember. I was all over the place."

"So how long did you stay there for?"

"Not long. Only about half an hour. I was afraid I would see someone I knew. I couldn't face seeing anyone. After that I drove out to one of those diners off the motorway. I ordered coffee and sat in a booth in the corner. No one bothered me as long as I kept ordering coffee. I can't remember how long I sat there for. It must have been hours though. I eventually left and drove around for a while. I stopped at this store. What I did next was so stupid. I don't know why I did it. I went in and bought a pack of cheap vodka. I didn't get asked for ID or anything. I just left the store and drove off. I started drinking some of the vodka while I was driving. I don't know what I was thinking. I…I wasn't thinking. I drove to a cliff and parked the car. I got out of the car and just broke down. I sat down and cried. Right then I felt like just giving up. I sat there as it grew dark. I finished a bottle of vodka and moved straight onto another. By the time Ryan and Sandy found me I had pretty much finished that bottle too. When Ryan shouted at me I felt horrible. One thing I never wanted to do was hurt Ryan. And when I slipped off the cliff and he was holding on to me I told him I didn't want to die. But that wasn't true. If he hadn't got there I don't know what might have happened. I don't know why I couldn't tell anyone. I just…I just felt like I had already hurt them enough. I ….I couldn't do that to them."

Marissa let herself go as tears cascaded down her cheeks. She felt an arm rest around her shoulder. She rested her head on Dr Lawrence's shoulder.

"It's okay. Just let it all out."

"Mr Cooper?" Dr Lawrence looked around the empty waiting room. Jimmy came striding in.

"Sorry, I'm not so good at the whole sitting and waiting thing. So what's going on?"

"Well she told me everything. She was pretty upset but she's calmed down now."

"I don't understand why she could talk to you but not me or anyone else close to her."

"Come with me. I'd like to have a chat with you." She showed Jimmy into another room. "I gave Marissa a magazine and told her I was going to talk with you."

"So what happened to her that day?"

"Well…"

Jimmy looked at her trying to register everything she had just told him.

"I wish she could have talked to me."

"I think she loves you too much to tell you."

"I don't understand. Surely that would make her want to come to me."

"She just didn't want to hurt you anymore. And well she was scared. It's pretty normal for her to want to block out everything that happened."

"You really don't know how much I appreciate what you've done."

"We've got a long way to go, but she's strong. She's going to be fine." They both stood up.

"Thank-you Dr Lawrence," He said shaking her hand.

"Zoe."

"Zoe," he said smiling at her.

Jimmy opened the door.

"Kiddo?" She turned to look at him. For the first time in a while Jimmy saw a sparkle of hope in her eyes. She got up and rushed over to him. She threw her arms around him.

"I love you so much."

"I love you too kiddo," he closed his eyes and buried his face in her hair.

"I'm so glad you're here," Marissa whispered.

"Where else would I be?"

Zoe stood at the doorway. She looked at the ground and smiled. She left them alone and headed for the front desk.

"Here's your appointment card for next time – same time next week."

"Thanks Zoe."

"No problem," she said smiling. Marissa raised her eyebrows when he called her Zoe. "See you next week."

"Bye."

"Bye."

"Umm, dad?" Marissa asked as they got into the car.

"Yeah?"

"You wouldn't by any chance just have been hitting on my therapist."

"Now would I ever do that?" Marissa looked at him. "Don't answer that."

They sat in silence as Jimmy pulled out of the car park.

"I just want to say thank-you."

"For what kiddo?"

"For getting me to do this. I know I've got a long way to go but I'm ready."

"It's not just me you should be thanking. We should stop by the Cohen's. Ryan will be wanting to see you." Jimmy glanced sideways at Marissa. "Everything's going to be okay now." Marissa looked at her dad.

"Yeah. Let's just hope it lasts this time."

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