yay! eventually another chapter up. numero 35 with many more to come. i really will try to get the next one up sooner! hope you enjoy and thanks for the great reviews for the last chap, makes me very happy :)!!


Chapter 35: Together No Matter What

Seth screwed his eyes up. If only he had x-ray vision.

"Uh Seth, what are you doing?" Ryan asked looking at him strangely.

"Oh umm nothing," Seth said with a fake cough.

"It's you to go."

"Gees Ryan. Calm it. You cannot rush a man in poker."

"You've been looking at your cards for 5 minutes…I'd hardly call that rushing you!"

"I'm going to take even longer now, just to annoy you."

Sandy sat there shaking his head. He relaxed back in his chair taking in the early evening rays of sun. As Ryan and Seth bickered in the background he glanced at Marissa who was sitting at the pool edge reading a magazine, her feet dangling into the sparkling water. If an outsider saw her they would think she was just a carefree teenager. He knew that they couldn't be much more wrong. Sandy took his eyes off her as Kirsten walked outside.

"Hey guys," she said cheerfully.

"Hey," Seth and Ryan replied.

"And here it begins," Sandy thought to himself.

"So who wants to help me prepare dinner?"

"Sorry mom, we're in the middle of a very tense poker game."

"It would be tense if you would hurry up and play! I'll come and help," Ryan offered.

"No, no it's ok. Carry on with your game."

She knew exactly who she wanted to help her.

"Marissa!" she said cheerfully. "How do you feel about helping me prepare dinner?"

"Yeah sure, I'd love to," Marissa got up and slipped on her flip flops.

"Great," she made her way inside throwing Sandy a worried glance. Sandy gave her a slight nod. Seth watched this and watched Marissa follow Kirsten in, completely oblivious to what was about to happen. Seth looked at Sandy who simply looked back, a warning to act normal. Ryan inspected his cards with no idea of the events that were about to unfold.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Well the potatoes need peeling."

"I'm on it," Marissa picked up the potatoes and moved over to the sink.

"So Ryan looked like he was having fun playing poker," Kirsten said with a laugh trying to make light conversation to prepare herself. Marissa smiled.

"I remember I used to play card games with my dad. He would always let me win until I was about 12 when he realised that I could actually beat him. My mom would never play though, too worried about her nails. Those were the days," Marissa said smiling at the memory.

"How is it? With you and your mom?"

"It's been worse but it's still me and my mom, so how do you think."

"I guess everyone fights with their mom sometimes. When my mom battled with alcohol I always argued with her. Your dad helped me through that though. And you've got Ryan to help you." Kirsten watched as Marissa almost flinched at the mention of alcohol.

"Except my mom's not an alcoholic," Marissa said peeling the potatoes at the sink, her back to Kirsten.

"I'm not talking about your mom," Kirsten said almost bluntly, staring at Marissa's back. Marissa suddenly fell still and silent.

"I know Marissa," Kirsten said gently.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Marissa said quickly, picking up the peeler and peeling the potatoes frantically.

"I found the bottles, please don't lie to me," Kirsten pleaded. "Just tell me why."

"Why not?" Marissa asked, her back still turned to Kirsten.

"Because it's pointless. You're just hurting yourself never mind the rest of us. I watched my mom battle it and I won't let you go down the same path. And have you even thought of Ryan, what this will do to him?"

"So you're saying I'm being selfish?"

"No, I never said that," Kirsten replied with a sigh. Marissa placed the peeler on the worktop.

"You really want to know why?"

"Yes," Kirsten urged. Marissa turned around to see the concern etched across Kirsten's face. She felt tears brimming in her eyes as she looked at Kirsten.

"Because it numbs everything – the fear, the pain. Because I feel like I have control. Because I don't know what else to do!" Marissa rambled out as tears gradually slipped from her eyes. She stared at Kirsten who just looked at her not knowing what to say. "You can't understand. No-one can," she added sadly.

"Well we can't understand if you don't let us in." Marissa closed her eyes trying to stop the tears. "Tell me why you're scared," Kirsten said gently.

"I…I…I'm scared of losing everything and I couldn't…. I couldn't cope if that happened," she stammered.

"But Marissa you're not going to lose everything!" Kirsten reassured her, walking over and holding her hand tightly.

"I already lost Ryan once, I don't want to lose him again. I just don't know why he's with me. I mean I just keep screwing up his life. He's better of without me."

"He's with you because he loves you. We all do. He's not going to leave you."

"You don't know that. Nothing lasts forever," she swallowed deeply, a tear leaving a trail down her cheek. "And like you said, how would it make Ryan feel. I know how it would make him feel," she said, her voice shaking. "It happened after Oliver and it will happen again. Disappointment. That look in his eyes after everything with Oliver….he was so ashamed of me. It was horrible, I can't do it to him again. I just…I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be perfect, have the perfect life but I'm screwed up and you know it. Everyone does."

"Nobody's perfect," Kirsten said trying to get through to Marissa that she isn't on her own.

"Maybe not. I just…I can't do it," she whispered. "I can't live like this anymore." Her shoulders hunched as tears now streamed from her eyes. Kirsten immediately wrapped her arms around her. Marissa sobbed onto her shoulder, holding her tightly.

"I'm scared Kirsten," she whispered through her tears.

"I know, I know," Kirsten whispered, gently rubbing her back. "But you don't have to be anymore, you're not on your own."

"Right guys, dinner's ready," Kirsten said to Ryan, Seth and Sandy.

"Ooh good, good. I need to refuel after that tiring poker game."

"Seth it was hardly tiring, we never moved off our seats. You know I would love to see…." Ryan trailed off his sentence when he saw Marissa standing in the kitchen, her eyes puffy and red from crying. "Wh…what's going on?" Ryan asked confused and worried. The room remained in a deadly silence as Marissa looked away from Ryan nervously and Kirsten looked at Sandy and Seth. "Ok would somebody just tell me what the hell's going on?!" he said getting angry.

"Ryan I'm sorry," Marissa whimpered as a tear escaped her eye.

"Sorry for what? What's wrong? You can tell me," he said as he rushed over to Marissa. He held her tightly at the tops of her arms. "Please Marissa. Please tell me what's wrong," he gently wiped a tear away as she closed her eyes unable to look at him.

"I…I… can I talk to you in the poolhouse?"

"On you go sweetie," Kirsten said gently. Ryan looked at her almost coldly. What could Kirsten have said that made Marissa like this? Marissa noticed Ryan look at Kirsten and felt guilty for putting the Cohen's in the middle of it all. Kirsten had only been trying to help her. Ryan reluctantly let Marissa go who immediately headed for the pool house. Ryan looked at the Cohen's. He knew that they knew what was going on and he hated being kept in the dark. He stormed out of the house and after Marissa.

Ryan walked into the pool house where Marissa was standing, her back to the door.

"Ryan there's something I have to tell you," Marissa whispered. The room fell into silence as Ryan waited for Marissa to go on.

"Marissa what is it? You're really starting to scare me."

Marissa walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. She clasped her hands in front of her and took a deep breath, her eyes looking at the ground.

"Truthfully I've been scaring myself recently."

Ryan frowned still not understanding where this was heading. Marissa eventually managed to look up at Ryan. She loved him so much, why was she so stupid?

"Ryan I…I…I have a drinking problem," she said quietly, her voice shaking. Ryan looked at her as it took a second for what she said to sink in.

Oh god! He had been so stupid. He had his suspicions but he had just blown them off. He had left her suffering all this time. He cursed himself for not helping her.

Marissa watched Ryan as it sunk in. She noticed a flash of anger sweep across his eyes as he stood there in silence.

"I'm sorry for being so stupid. I won't blame you if you leave now. I deserve it. I'm a mess, you deserve better than me Ryan. I'm so sorry. I…" Marissa was caught by surprise when Ryan's arms wrapped themselves around her as she cried out, tears cascading down her cheeks. Ryan couldn't believe his ears when she said this. He should be the one apologising. He was the one who wasn't there when she needed him the most.

"Don't say that. Please don't say that," he whispered to her as her body shook in his arms. "Just let me take care of you. That's all I want to do."

He didn't know how long it had been when Marissa eventually lifted her head off his shoulder. She sniffed quietly and tried to wipe away some tears. Ryan took hold of her hand and brought it down from her face. He gently kissed it and looked at Marissa.

"I know you're scared but….but why did you do it?"

Marissa found herself unable to speak as she felt more tears threaten to fall.

"Hey it's ok. You can tell me."

"Because I'm scared," she whispered.

"What are you scared of?"

"Anything. Everything. I just, I don't know. It was the only way I could feel in control. The only way to get rid of the fear…the fear of losing everything."

"You could have talked to me."

"No I couldn't because I love you Ryan! The more I realised how much I love you the harder it got to say anything 'cause I didn't want to ruin everything. But having you means there's always a chance that I could lose you but I don't want to lose you, I couldn't cope if I lost you. I…I don't want to disappoint you."

You could never disappoint me! And you're never going to lose me 'cause I'm not going anywhere. I'm not letting you go Marissa. I've already learnt my lesson. Will you let me help you?"

She looked at Ryan who looked back at her, never breaking eye contact. She nodded and whispered out an answer

"Yes."

"Come here." Ryan hugged her tightly to him. "Remember we're in this together."

Seth stopped chewing when Ryan and Marissa walked in, hand in hand.

"Let me heat your food up," Kirsten immediately said, getting up from the table.

"I'll help you," Sandy quickly followed her, wanting to see how she thought it went.

Seth watched his parents rush from the table. He turned to Ryan and Marissa and smiled at them awkwardly.

"Potato?" Seth raised his plate up. He gingerly brought it back down when Ryan and Marissa just looked at him. "Ok then." He stretched over to pick up the bread basket when Ryan looked at him. "Ok no bread either." Seth nervously tapped his knife off his plate and glanced around the room as Ryan and Marissa hovered beside the table. "Will you at least take a seat?"

Ryan nodded and pulled a chair out for Marissa.

"Well it looks like things went well," Kirsten said quietly to Sandy as they picked up the plates of food.

"Yeah. Do you think we should ask if they're ok?" Sandy asked her putting the plates in the microwave and turning it on.

"We have to but how do we do it without upsetting them?" Kirsten wondered.

"I don't know. Let's go," he took hold of Kirsten's arm and pulled her towards the table.

"Sandy what's the plan?" she whispered urgently as they got nearer the table.

"I don't know," he whispered back.

"You don't know?! Well that's just great!"

"Just go with it."

"Sandy…" she hissed, when Sandy elbowed her to get her to be quiet as they reached the table.

"Silence is a virtue," Seth said with a sigh. "Though one I am not very good with."

"Look Seth…" Marissa started when Sandy and Kirsten walked back in.

"Right that's the food in the microwave," Sandy said cheerfully but cringing inside at the obvious tension between the three teenagers. He smiled at them all eliciting no response. He nudged Kirsten to get her to say something.

"Uhh, umm..so that's the food in the microwave," she said sheepishly. Seth couldn't help but let out a muffled laugh.

"Thanks for confirming that mom."

"Come on Sandy you must have something," Kirsten thought to herself.

"Come on Kirsten you're the brains in this marriage," Sandy thought to himself.

"I am not going to let them forget this one," Seth thought to himself.

"Would someone just say something…anything," Ryan thought to himself.

"Ok this is awkward. Right here goes," Marissa thought to herself. She opened her mouth. "Come on pull yourself together. It's not like they don't all know already..."

Marissa scraped her chair backwards.

"Okay, I have something I want to say." She looked around them all and noticed their relief that someone else had broken the tension. "What I've been doing to myself…it was stupid and I'm sorry. And yes I do have to apologise," she said to Kirsten who was ready to say that she had nothing to apologise for. "All this time I've only been thinking about myself. I don't deserve friends and family as amazing as you guys but you're here for me and that's more than I could ever dream. From now on I'm going to change, I'm not going to shut anyone out. It's time that I let you all in, make sure you know how much I love all of you. "And getting past … this….it's something I have to do. Not just for myself but for you too. It's time to start over and I couldn't think of better people to do it with." Marissa could feel her eyes tear up. She meant it. Every single word.

"That's all we want sweetie," Kirsten said happily knowing that Marissa really did mean it. "Just remember that we're here."

Ryan stood up beside Marissa and held onto her hand, absently rubbing it gently with his thumb.

"Umm I just wanted to thank you," he said to Sandy and Kirsten. "If it wasn't for you guys god knows what could've happened. And I'm sorry for thinking that you had done something to upset Marissa," he said to Kirsten.

"Well you know I can't think of a better way to start over than sitting down for a family meal. And I know that the next while is going to be tough but we stick together no matter what," Sandy stated. A beep sounded from the microwave. "Ah perfect timing! God is on our side!" Sandy left the table to go and get the food.

"Praise the Lord!" Seth exclaimed. Kirsten, Ryan and Marissa just looked at him strangely. "Too far?" Kirsten smiled at him and sat down. Ryan turned to Marissa and kissed her gently.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Together no matter what."

"No mater what," he said with a smile. They sat down as Sandy brought their plates through.

"Thanks," they both replied. Seth picked up the bread and held it out to Ryan. Ryan smiled and took a piece.

"People, that there was a very symbolic turning point of this new era," Seth exclaimed.

"He took a piece of bread," Kirsten said simply.

"Mother do you not know of the symbol of Virgin Mary on the toast. This is bread but I think that you get the point."

"Yeah that you're crazy," Ryan replied.

"It is a new era buddy. You'd better get used to it."

"Do I have to?"

"No matter what bro. I think that includes me."

They all ate in silence for about 10 seconds until Seth suddenly spoke.

"Oh hey I have a joke!"

"Can we not have a bit of peace?" Kirsten said as Sandy groaned

"Haha, you guys are funny. Anyway on with my joke. Ok soo there's these 2 muffins in an oven. They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked. And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!" and the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"!" Seth grinned as the room fell into silence.

"And that's what 17 years of stressful child rearing has brought us!" Sandy chuckled to Kirsten.

"I think it was pretty funny," Marissa said with a smile, feeling sorry for Seth.

"Ah hah, Marissa thinks it's funny," Seth aimed at Sandy.

"Don't encourage him!" Kirsten warned jokingly. "He's going to be cracking jokes every time he sees you now!"

"You know I don't get it," Ryan stated looking puzzled.

"That's because you're from Chino."

"What has that got to do with anything?"

"Remember there's no laughing in Chino, and why is that?"

"Because no one there is as funny as you," Ryan recited.

"I have taught him well," Seth said proudly.

"Well I think cheers is in order," Sandy said lifting his glass up. The others all followed suit. "To a new era. May it be one that we never forget for all the right reasons. Cheers!"

"Cheers!" they all replied, clinking their glasses together.

Ryan clinked his with Marissa's and gave her a kiss.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

And with that they entered the new era. Whether it is going to be good or bad only time can tell….

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