Don't Let Your Guard Down
chapter 14

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Sirius walked into his room and found James there alone. "Where's Remus?"

"He went to find Peter," James said without looking up from his book.

Sirius looked around and shut the door behind him. "Why didn't you tell me?"

James looked up at Sirius with a blank stare. "Am I supposed to know what you're talking about?"

Sirius looked at James for a few seconds before opening his mouth, "You could have told me. They're like my parents too."

James just swallowed the lump in his throat but didn't say anything.

"You left for three weeks and couldn't so muchastell mewhy?" Sirius asked. "I mean, there must have been a funeral. You're entire family must have been at your house. I mean I know I'm not family but I thought I was close and-"

"It wasn't because I didn't think you were family Si," James said softly. "I didn't want you there. In fact, I didn't want any family there. I was shocked, I was upset, and it was best to do it on my own."

"But why?"

"I could hardly take it myself okay?" James exclaimed. "You've only ever seen me happy and carefree. I didn't want you to think it was a big deal."

"But dude, it is a big deal," Sirius said.

James sighed. "I know that now," James whispered.

Sirius gave a huge sigh. "So you would rather Lily hate you and never want to talk to you again then to tell her the truth?"

"She has had the same opinion about me since day one," James said. "Who's to say she'd believe me even if I did tell her?"

"Do you blame her?" Sirius asked.

"For what?"

"For having the same opinion about you since she met you. I mean, c'mon. Every time you guys looked like you were getting together, you were an asshole to her," Sirius said.

"Oh this is good," James said sarcastically. "Relationship advice from the king of one night stands."

"Hey, don't yell at me. I'm not the one who had sex with Lily and then fled the next day," Sirius said.

"Yeah but does Gigi ring a bell?" James exclaimed.

Sirius was quiet for a second. "Damn you." James and Sirius looked at each other and burst out laughing.

James sighed. "And we've already established that I left the next morning because of my parents…what's your excuse?"

Sirius sighed and sat down on his bed. "The same reason you kept running to Nancie after things would happen with Lily."

"Because Nancie was so hot?" James teased. Sirius laughed along with James. "So you fled because you were afraid of what you were feeling for Gigi."

"Bingo."

"And now how do you feel?"

"Like I want to throw her off a cliff and hide the body," Sirius said.

James laughed but then grew serious and looked over at his best friend. "I should have told you about my parents."

"I agree."

"I at least should have let you come with me."

"I agree."

"And I shouldn't have kept avoiding the subject of why I left."

"Dude, you're on a roll today."

James looked down at his hands. "And I guess not telling Lily was stupid."

"Who cares about Lily, you should have told me," Sirius said with a laugh. James laughed with him.

James shrugged. "Well, I guess there's no point in telling Lily now. She already hates me."

"I still don't understand why you never told her."

"Because I didn't want her to feel sorry for me. I didn't want her to think she had to be my friend or anything."

"Dude…you had sex with her. I think you were past the friends stage," Sirius said.

James rolled his eyes. "And like I said, she already hated me and thought I was a bad guy. If I had told her, would she honestly have believed me?"

"Yes," Sirius said. "No matter what her opinion of you, she loves you."

"Really? Because her 'I want you dead, I hate you' comments contradict that statement," James said.

"Eh…she's a girl. They never know what they're saying. As long as they're talking, they're happy," Sirius said.

James laughed but then sighed. "I still can't believe they're gone."

"Girls?" Sirius asked. "No, they're not gone. In fact, if we walk down to the commons room, I'm sure we'll see quite a few of them."

"Not girls, Padfoot," James said, rolling his eyes. "My parents."

Sirius bit his lip, trying to figure out if he should ask what he was thinking. "How'd it happen?"

James looked down at the floor. "Auror business. They were in hiding from You-Know-Who but apparently he found them and…well, you know how it ends."

"How's your family holding up?" Sirius asked. "How's Kellie…still hot?"

James rolled his eyes. "Still engaged." Sirius pouted as James laughed. "It was nice having her there," James said. "As much as I wanted to be along and get away from everything, I'm glad the whole family was there."

The boys were interrupted when the door swung open. "Hey guys," Remus said, entering the room with Peter. Sirius and James just looked up at their friends but didn't say anything.

"Whoa, what's wrong? Who died?" Peter asked at the sullen looks on James and Sirius's faces.

Sirius groaned and threw his head back against the pillow. "Smooth Wormtail."

James looked from Sirius to Remus and Peter and he sighed. "Come over here…I'll tell you."

In class the next morning Lily couldn't help but glance over at James every few minutes. She wanted to tell him how sorry she was. She wanted to tell him she understood how it felt when your parents died. She wanted to tell him she was sorry for how she acted the day he got back. But somehow nothing she could say seemed to make up for everything.

"Lily!" Gigi hissed.

Lily shook her head to get her out of the trance. "Huh?"

"Class is over," Gigi said.

Lily looked around the room and sure enough everyone was leaving, except for Kacie and Gigi who were staring suspiciously at Lily. "Oh," was all she could think of to say. Lily gathered all her stuff in a hurry and left, Gigi and Kacie running to catch up with her.

"What's going on with you?" Gigi asked.

"What?" Lily asked.

"You didn't take notes all class," Gigi said.

Lily stopped abruptly. "We had class? I didn't take notes?"

Kacie and Gigi exchanged glances. "Okay, what's up Lily?"

"Did you take notes?" Lily asked the girls.

Kacie sighed and handed her notes to Lily who rushed off to the library. "What the hell was that about?"

Just then, there was loud laughter from the end of the hallway. Gigi and Kacie averted their attention to it where the four Marauders were watching a Slytherin spin in circles trying to catch his tail. Gigi narrowed her eyes. "James."

"James?"

"Oh come on," Gigi said. "Whatever Lily's going through right now has to do with James. Since when does she daydream and not pay attention an entire Transfiguration class?"

"There's one way to find out," Kacie said, dragging Gigi over to the Marauders. "Hey guys."

Sirius turned towards them and held his hands up. "We didn't have anything to do with it."

"With what?" Kacie asked.

"That Slytherin was born with a tail. Nothing he can do about it," Sirius lied.

Kacie rolled her eyes. "I don't care what you did to the Slytherin."

Sirius paused. "Oh yeah…you're not Lily."

"Thank god," James muttered.

"Speaking of Lily, what did you do to her?" Gigi blurted out.

"If by 'what did I do to her,' you mean ignore her and not talk to her, then I did nothing," James said.

"She didn't pay attention all class. She didn't take notes. And she had no idea when the class ended," Gigi said.

"Wow…there must be something seriously wrong with her," James said.

"Yeah you just described a normal class for Sirius," Remus said. "Not Lily."

"I resent that," Sirius said.

"Sirius, what class did we just have?" Remus asked.

"We had class?" Sirius asked.

"My point exactly," Remus murmured.

"Okay, I don't care about Black right now," Gigi said.

"Or ever," Peter muttered.

"Look, Lily's probably just sick or something," Sirius said. "She'll be back to the over-controlling, detention-giving, excessive note-taking self we all love in no time."

"Where is she now?" Remus asked.

"The library."

"See?" Sirius said. "She's already back to her note-taking self."

"What do you mean 'we all love,'" Gigi asked warily.

"Huh?"

"You said the over-controlling, detention-giving, excessive note-taking self we all love," Gigi said. "I thought you and Lily weren't speaking."

"Oh…well…you know," Sirius said with a shrug. "People fight and make up all the time."

"But it's been a month since you two have talked," Gigi said.

"Look Giliba, just because you don't forgive people and become friends with them again doesn't mean Lily doesn't," Sirius said.

James finally spoke up. "I'm kind of with Gigi on this one…when did you two suddenly become friends?"

Sirius turned to James and gasped. "You would take the side of a girl over your best friend?"

"If she's hot, yeah," James said.

Sirius pouted. "That's like half the population of Hogwarts."

"Get used to it buddy," James teased. "So anyway, you and Lily are talking?"

"Yes, we're friends and it shouldn't be this big of a deal," Sirius said.

Remus stopped. "Friends…or more?"

"Ew! Remus!" Gigi and James called out while Sirius rolled his eyes and Peter and Kacie snickered.

"Hey, I've never known you to just have friends who are girls. I'm just making sure," Remus said.

"Kacie and I are just friends," Sirius noted.

Kacie rubbed her hand over Sirius's arm. "That can change," she teased, winking at him.

Sirius's mouth dropped wide open. "Closest broom closet is just around the corner."

"You know where all the broom closets are?" Kacie asked.

Sirius shrugged. "You get to know where they are when you use them as often as I do."

"You are such a pig," Gigi muttered and sauntered off, with Kacie close behind.

Sirius turned to his friends. "In fact, the one around the corner was used by Giliba and I at one point."

Remus stared at him. "You are a pig."

James groaned as he remembered he had to spend two whole hours doing Head stuff with Lily. He took a deep breath and walked into his common room to see Lily sprawled out on the couch, her eyes closed. James gave a slight smile, but frowned when he realized he had to wake her up and she would be a grouch once again.

"Lily," James whispered, shaking her gently.

Lily opened her eyes slightly and yawned. She slowly got up and looked around. "How long was I out?"

James shrugged. "I don't know, I just got here."

"Hmm," Lily said, still not totally awake. Lily turned to him. "What are you doing here?"

"You mean besides the obvious, this is my common room?" James asked. Lily didn't say anything. "We have to work on graduation plans."

Lily rubbed her eyes and looked at him. "Oh yeah." Lily took out some parchment and a quill and turned to James. "Okay, let's get started."

James just stared at her. "That's it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Now don't take this the wrong way or anything but…why are you being so nice?"

"You mean why am I not being a bitch and throwing things at you right now?"

"Exactly," James said. "Where's the mean comment on how I shouldn't have woken you up. Or how I should be sitting fifty feet away from you. Or how I'm here late."

"Well what about you?" Lily asked. "Where's the smartass comment on how I shouldn't be sleeping in the middle of the day. Or how I should be more prepared. Or how I shouldn't be taking up so much room on the couch."

"Sorry…I'll try harder next time," James teased. "I was taken aback by your ability to be civil."

"Well maybe if you weren't such an asshole all the time, you could see me being civil more often," Lily muttered.

"Aha! I knew you being nice couldn't last long," James said.

"Me being nice to you for a long period of time is like you being a gentleman," Lily pointed out.

"I can be a gentleman," James retorted. Lily snorted. "But it's impossible to please you! You want everything to be your way and perfect and guess what? No guy will be able to live up to your standards."

"So not calling me a bitch, not leaving me high and dry all the time, andnot being an asshole allthe time are high standards?" Lily cried out.

"That is not all you expect!" James cried out and then jumped up from the couch. "This is ridiculous. There is no way we are going to be able to plan a whole graduation without biting each other's heads off."

"Then why don't you leave. It'll be easier to plan it without you anyway!" Lily cried out.

"Asking me to leave is the best thing you've said all day," James exclaimed, stomping off.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Lily called out sincerely and then froze, not expecting to say that.

James turned around. "Excuse me?"

Lily looked up at him and shook her head. "Nothing."

James shrugged and started walking out.

Lily sighed and stood up from the couch. "You could have told me!" she called out.

"Confusing me isn't going to help me understand what you're talking about," James said tiredly.

Lily took a deep breath. "Why would you let me yell at you like that? Why would you let me be such a bitch to you? Why couldn't you just have told me?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I would have understood," Lily continued.

"Okay, this is getting tiring Lily. Either tell me what the fuck you're talking about or let me leave!"

"Your parents!" Lily shouted and then instantly regretted it.

James froze and didn't know what to say for several seconds. "Um…what?"

Lily sighed heavily and couldn't help but look hurt. "Why couldn't you just have told me?"

"Would it really have mattered?" James said in an exhausted voice. "Lily, you hated me the moment I walked through that door after winter break. No matter what I do, it's not good enough for you. You wouldn't have believed me, and I wasn't in the mood to talk about it anyway."

"But you let me hate you all this time," Lily said. "You never tried explaining, you just let me ignore you and avoid you and…and hate you."

"Well, that's what you do best," James said. "No matter what I do, you won't let your guard down. You won't listen, you won't try to understand, you just go on hating me."

"Well…do you blame me?" Lily asked calmly. "Come on Potter. No matter what you do, you always end up screwing things up."

James didn't say anything; mostly because he knew she was right. It grew quiet and finally James spoke up, "I'm sorry."

Lily gave a warm smile. "I should be the one who's sorry."

James paused. "Yeah…you're right. You apologize."

Lily laughed as James continued, "I should have told you about my parents…I'm guessing that if anyone understands, it's you. I just couldn't…it was hard…" James trailed off.

"I know," Lily said with a warmhearted smile.

James sighed and trudged over to the couch, plopping himself down on it. "I just can't believe they're gone."

"Join the club," Lily murmured, also having a seat on the couch.

James turned to her. "How'd you do it? How did you get over it?"

"Who says I ever got over it?" Lily questioned. James groaned, afraid that was going to be the answer.

Lily continued talking."Unforunately, you never really get over it. It's like a gray cloud that follows you everywhere."

"I hate gray," James muttered.

"Well it can be a red cloud instead…but it still follows you everywhere," Lily teased.

"I hate red," James mumbled.

Lily gave him a look.

"Right, right. That's not the point," James said witha slight smile. "It just doesn't seem fair."

"I know what you mean," Lily said. "But the good news is that eventually you'll learn to live with it…even if you won't totally get over it."

James nodded and looked up at Lily, not saying anything at all. Lily looked into his eyes and didn't say anything either. Eventually, James whispered, "I'm really sorry."

Lily nodded and whispered, "I know."

Before he could talk himself out of it, James leaned in and kissed Lily lightly. He broke apart and just looked into her eyes. She looked back at him, and before she could stop herself, she leaned in and kissed him.

James threw his arms around her neck, and she wrapped her arms around his back. He deepened the kiss and-

"Just making sure you two aren't killing each-" Sirius said, entering the room with Remus, Kacie, Gigi, and Peter.

James and Lily broke apart as fast as they could and just stared at their friendsin humiliation.

"Oh sorry," Gigi said. "We must have stepped into the past."

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oops...was that aNOTHER cliffhanger? wow, how do you guys put up with me? haha, the more you review, the sooner i'll update!