January 1996
Sibenik, Croatia
Dearest Luka,
What a wonderful Christmas we had! The only thing that would have made it a perfect day would have been having you here. The most wonderful news we had was that Jelena is going to have another baby. Zoran is absolutely thrilled that he might be having a son. He loves his little girl - and Natasya is adorable - but you know him. He wants a professional soccer player in the family. We keep telling him that the day for a championship women's team is coming but he doesn't listen to us.
Other good news is that I have completed my first round of chemotherapy. It has been a long, long road. We will have to wait for several weeks to see if it will hold and become remission but I am sure that it has. I already feel better. My appetite is returning and I think my hair is beginning to grow again. I am getting eye brows again. I can see them when I look closely in the mirror. A little bit.
Are you still happy working in your hospital? Is winter there like here? Tata and I are planning to take a trip soon to the farm to make sure everything is all right with the house and buildings. I am looking forward to being away from the city. Winter is so much quieter at the farm. I feel like I can really hear the snow flakes falling. We have so many good memories there. Remember when you and your brothers took Tata and I on the sleigh ride and we got lost in the woods? You were twelve. You were so frightened and afraid to tell us you were lost. Tata knew exactly where we were but so enjoyed watching you take charge, keep everyone laughing and then be so relieved when you found your way back to the orchard. We still laugh when we remember that day. You were such a good boy.
You are a good man and a good son, Luka. I know that someday you will realize that it is time to forgive God...and more importantly...to forgive yourself for what happened to Danijela, Jasna and Marko. I only wish that I could convince you now. Danijela would not have wanted you to feel this way. I know it in my heart.
Love,
Mom
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January 1996
New York City
Dearest Mati,
He KNEW?? Tata knew where we were all the time? And all these years I saw myself as the savior of our family! I am crushed...
As you know, I spent my Christmas working at the hospital so a doctor with a family could be home with them for the day. It was quiet and we had a huge dinner for the people who were working. I also got to wear the Santa Claus suit and visit with the children who are in the hospital ward. I passed out candy canes, little bears and books and have never seen such smiles. Some of them were bald as well. I looked in their eyes and saw them as the same kind of warrior you are.
I recently went on my very first official date in New York. Her name is Joanna and she works at the hospital. We saw Zadro's play and she was so impressed when I was able to take her backstage after the show was over. Zadro was impressed with her too. I think he was a little worried about me. He came to dinner with us after and brought a friend as well. It was nice. But I missed Danijela even more. Making conversation and little talk is difficult with someone who doesn't know. And she always seemed to know. Does that make sense?
I envy you the visit to the farm again. I know what you mean about hearing the snow fall. I have good memories there as well. It's the place where I first saw Danijela. I was sure that God brought us together. How strange that we could grow up across Sibenik from one another and yet meet picking apples for our grandparents who owned neighboring farms two hours away from our homes? What are the chances of that happening? She was a beautiful girl with a long dark braid down her back. And her eyes. Those dancing, teasing dark eyes. Marko had her eyes. She was my best friend for a long time, Mati. I feel like we grew up together.
Winter in New York City can be brutal. It is cold and noisy and dirty. The park is nice though. The patients we see in the hospital seem to change with the seasons. Now we are getting people who are frozen and sick from cold or burned from fires trying to stay warm or asphyxiated from a space heater gone wrong. There is an occasional domestic abuse victim as people are shut up together. All in all the ER is a sad place to be. But I see them and treat them and send them on their way. It's easier than getting to know them as something other than a patient chart. I am trying to get some vacation time so I can come home for a visit.
Love,
Luka
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March 1996
Sibenik, Croatia
Dearest Luka,
We just sent you on your way back to New York and I feel as if you have been gone forever again. What a wonderful visit we were able to have. You seemed so different and yet the same old Luka. I am glad that you were here to help with Jelena and Zoran. I think he was able to talk to you more about losing their baby than he could have with any of us. Nothing seemed like the right thing to say.
Tata has said that they may have a buyer for the farm at last. As much as I hate selling it, it was his father's after all. Living there would take us too far from the city and he needs to be here for work and his painting. We really couldn't afford to keep it ourselves and live here. It would be good to think of a family living there again though. Children playing in the barns like you used to do. Taking care of animals. Picking apples and pelting younger brothers with them. Kissing sweethearts down in the root cellar. You didn't know that we knew about that, did you? Andro was a very good spy for us.
Zadro's mother tells me that he has another girlfriend and this time he is really, really serious and very much in love. I told her I would find out from you what the girl is really like.
Jelena has decided to go back to work as a school teacher this spring. There is an opening for her at Zoran's school. Her mother and I will take turns taking care of Natasya. She is a sweet little girl so it will be a pleasure to spend my days with her. I didn't get the chance to do that much with Jasna or Marko. Andro lets his boys stay with us when he is traveling be he prefers that they be in school so sometimes I feel like I don't know Javor and Viktor. They are polite and smart. Sometimes I see a spark of naughtiness but not often enough. Am I a terrible grandmother to want them to be naughty sometimes?
Love,
Mati
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April 1996
New York City
Dearest Mati,
Zadro and Joanna are getting married this summer. Imagine that! He is getting married at last. She is a very nice woman and I am glad they have found one another. It was a surprise to come back from my visit to Croatia and find them dating. Since she also works at the hospital and this apartment is close to it and the theater district, I will be looking for a new place soon. I am even thinking of trying a new hospital somewhere. The United States is a huge country and there are so many places that I would like to see and visit. I would like to see Colorado and the Rocky Mountains. I would also like to see the Great Lakes area. Something tells me that all of the freighters and sailboats would remind me of back home. And then there is the Gulf of Mexico area...Louisiana and New Orleans. Zadro is getting sick of watching the travel videos I get from the library here. He is constantly telling me that I need to get a life. He doesn't realize that I have already lived several lives.
I was glad to get the email from your doctor with your latest test results. Your remission continues! I am so happy for you, Mama. You fought the cancer battle and are a winner.
I am sending a box to Jelena with some things she has asked me to send for her classroom. I found some other puzzles and toys you can keep at home for Natasya. I know that you are having fun with her. She is a beautiful little girl...not like you...not like Jasna...like Natasya. Jelena sends me pictures in my emails now and then. How strange that I would have a whole file of pictures on my computer of my niece and nephews. I just have one photo of my daughter. None of my son. The world has changed so much in just a few short years. It amazes me.
Luka
April 1996
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Sibenik, Croatia
Dear Luka,
The farm has been sold. It was a strange time when I went with Tata to sign the papers. It was a happy moment and a sad one too. I wish we could have sold it and made it part of the sales agreement that our family be allowed to visit whenever we want to. Anyway, the farm is gone and we are left with a bit of a fortune in our bank account. We have decided to divide the money equally into four parts. One part for Tata and I and a part for each of our sons. Tata wanted your share kept here but I insisted that it be wired to your account in New York. I want you to use it to settle yourself somewhere. Use it to take a trip to one of the places you've written about. Use it for something special.
Love,
Mama