January 1999
Sibenik, Croatia
Dearest Luka,
There is a snow storm raging outside the windows. Tata is locked away in his studio with his paints and his new music boom box that you gave to him. I can hear the arias through these thin walls. Unfortunately I can hear your Tata singing along with them. What ever possessed you to even think of giving him such a gift? Was it a punishment to me some how?
I did so love having all my boys around me again at Christmas this year. It's difficult to see you climb aboard a plane again though. I keep telling you - and everyone else for that matter - that it is the right thing for you. I can see in your face how much more at peace you are now. Don't let anyone try to drag you back here...for what ever reason. You know what is right for you and do it. Always.
I am wondering what I shall do with myself this winter. I am really not feeling well enough yet to be taking care of Natasya again. She is happy with Jelena's mother. She will be starting school herself very soon. Such a smart little girl! Probably even more that Andro's boys were at the same age...but I shall deny ever saying this. To get back to my earlier thoughts...Tata is forever begging me to join him in his studio some time. I just might try my hand at his pottery wheel. What do you think, Luka? Are you in need of some poor misshapen crockery for your kitchen in Michigan?
Love,
Mati
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February 1999
Mt. Clemens, Michigan
Dear Mom,
I am always in need of poor misshapen crockery! Especially if it is accompanied by a picture of YOU actually working with Tata's wheel. I tried it myself when I was home and it's not easy. But I think you should try it, Mama. And also sing along with Tata's arias. I think the two of you can punish one another in that respect. I don't think that you could ever expect someone from the Kovac family to be a singer. I think my children might have had a chance...but only because they also carried Danijela's genes.
There is snow everywhere here as well. I put my skis to good use again. It is probably the one thing I enjoy most about living away from a city. I can find some place to ski or walk any time. I have heard that there is a park not too far from here where wild birds will fly down into your hand along several of the pathways. People carry bird seed in their hands and the birds feed as they walk along. Imagine that! I might try to find it sometime soon.
At any rate, living on a great lake is so very different from living near the sea. Ice breakers go up and down the channel all the time keeping a pathway clear for the ships that need to travel through. I can see the huge piles of broken ice that line the shore from my apartment. It's a beautiful and kind of scary sight.
Love,
Luka
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Sibenik, Croatia
March, 1999
Dear Luka,
Thank you so much for the new garden catalogs! Tata and I are making plans for our flower beds already. He is already groaning about all of the spading he will have to do for me. Poor, poor man. I shall be taking precious time away from his beloved studio.
I am thinking about adding a flagstone pathway from the door to the street. It makes me sad that I didn't think if this earlier and we could have taken some of the bricks from the old barn at your grandparents' farm. Tata says that he might be able to go up and buy some of them from the new owners if I want him to. What do you think?
I am just happy thinking about spring again. The grayness of the winter months drag me down at times. We have had very, very good news regarding my blood tests. Remission isn't so very far out of my grasp any more.
Did you ever find the park with the birds that would feed from your hands?
I love you,
Your Mati
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Sibenik, Croatia
May, 1999
Dearest Luka,
Tata has asked me to answer your most recent letters. He finds it difficult to even think about doing it. Writing to you was always your Mati's task. I am sorry. He is doing well, all things considered. It has been a hard time for all of us. It is difficult to understand the way of things. She fought her cancer so very long and so very hard. She was well on her way to a second remission. She WAS in remission. No one ever considered that her heart would just...stop beating.
We missed you. Mati would not have wanted you to come home. Not this time. I think that is what Tata is having difficulty accepting. He knows that she has always been right and would have been right this time as well. We shall miss her. Natasya already does. She was there for the funeral. She was there for the burial and yet she still wanders through their apartment looking for her.
I was hoping that Tata would let me help him with the gardens that he had planned with Mati. He won't hear of it. Instead he sits in a chair next to the pile of bricks he brought back from the old farm and stares at the sunsets...and the sun rises. I don't know if he really sleeps. He hasn't gone into his studio in a while. Zoran is a bit worried about that. Your parents had established a pretty precarious living from his art. We don't know how long he can go without selling things. It is a worry.
Your sister,
Jelena Kovac