Chapter 5

It was a solemn Spike that walked back to his crypt from the Summers' house. Oddly, though, he felt lighter, too. He wasn't sure how pain and relief could live in the same space, but they were here with him now. His relationship with Buffy was officially over, and no blood had been spilled…well, not in the final conversation. 'Closure' is what they had now…what all the experts said you needed. What now, though? Did they avoid each other? Try to be 'friends'? Demon-fighting partners? Spike liked to know where he stood…what the rules were. Usually, so he could break said rules, but in this case, he just wanted to make it as easy on Buffy as possible. Her recovery and happiness was still his top priority. Love didn't end for him overnight. Hell, there was even still a part of him that loved his sire, crazy bitch that she was.

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Buffy was up by the time Dawn came out of the shower, making scrambled eggs.

"You're cooking?" the teen asked, confused. Her sister only ever used the microwave, except for cereal.

"Yeah. You should get something better than cereal for breakfast. Mom used to make pancakes, even on school days. I can at least stir around some eggs." Buffy slid the eggs onto a plate and slid it over to Dawn, followed by salt, pepper, and ketchup. "You have the weirdest taste in food, you know? Ketchup on eggs, and anchovy pizzas…"

She shrugged. "Could be worse, I guess. Thanks for making these. So…you look…better, this morning."

"I feel a little better…maybe. I guess it's that cart thing, where I got stuff off my chest?"

"You mean, 'catharsis'?"

"Yeah, that. See, I knew you were smarter than me."

"Buffy, stop trying to butter me up. It's weird. Just say what you want to."

"Okay…well, before Social Services takes you to a foster home, we need to figure out what's best for you, right? I've already sucked at being responsible for you…and I honestly don't know if I can do better, Dawnie. It's still hard getting out of bed in the morning lots of days…and you shouldn't have to suffer for my…crap. So, I'll understand if you want to go somewhere that you know the roof is going to stay over your head. Cuz even with the double shifts, I'm not making all the bills on time. And I should be charging Willow rent…that's another mistake of mine…not having that confrontation. So…um, since it's just us now, I wanted to be honest with you and let you be part of what happens now. I've been such a horrible sister…" she said tremulously. It seemed that once she had let the tears out last night, that they wouldn't stop coming, even during a simple conversation.

A thought popped in Dawn's head, and she giggled.

"You're laughing at me now?" Buffy asked, mortified.

"No…not really. It's just something Anya said once popped in my head…she swore that you had been raised Catholic; because of the guilt trips you put on yourself. It was funny to me then, cuz Mom only ever took us to church for Christmas and Easter and it was never a Catholic one. Kinda accurate, though, huh?"

Buffy giggled, too. "Yeah, I guess. You know, I don't really know why I started that? Maybe it was junior high, when everybody started pushing me to be Miss Perfect Popularity. I was always so afraid of letting everybody down…not meeting their expectations…even though Mom and Dad didn't ask much of me until after slaying started ruining my life…"

"You wanna know my opinion?"

"I'm almost afraid to ask."

"Gasp! Buffy almost made a joke! No, seriously…I think you look at slaying all wrong. I mean, you were chosen out of all the girls in the world at that time to carry this awesome legacy. Think about it – that had to be, like, a billion teens, right? And it landed on you. That's huge! Whatever makes that decision saw something special in Buffy Summers, 15-year-old Valley girl. Whistler sent Angel to you. Spike saw you at The Bronze and had to know more. Don't you see, Buffy? You were meant for something."

"I…I never knew you felt that way…" the blonde replied in awe.

Dawn shrugged. "You never asked, but since we're being all true confessions this morning, I figured it was worth mentioning. Not that I want you to get a big head about it, or anything, cuz you already can get quite a pole up your ass—"

"Dawn! Language!"

"It's true! Sometimes, you get on this self-righteous kick that's just nauseating—"

"Okay, okay…I get that there's a mid ground between self-loathing and arrogance," she responded dryly.

"Exactly, and not to be more of a pain…but Xander and Willow don't help you with that."

"What do you mean?" Buffy asked genuinely.

"Well…they put you on this pedestal…because you have superpowers? Except when you're not perfect, and then they judge you…and you let them." Dawn cringed, once she had spoken her piece. Buffy didn't usually take it well when someone spoke harshly about her friends.

"No, you're right. I've let everybody have this huge say in my life since Angel. I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice and putting them all in danger like that again. So many people died when he lost his soul, Dawnie…"

"You didn't know what would happen, Buffy. How were you to know that there was a clause on Angel's soul?"

"That's true, but afterwards, when I couldn't kill him right away…that's when I failed, Dawn. Even Spike paid for my hesitation."

"That was Drusilla's decision. You're not to blame for that, either. You have to stop doing that, Buffy."

"I don't know how! Logically, when I think about things, I do know that things were other people's choices, and not mine, but it doesn't make me feel any less responsible. You didn't see how they all looked at me back then. Giles was so disappointed! Xander kept saying 'I told you so' about me being involved with a vamp. And Willow just looked scared all the time, like I'd failed to get rid of the boogeyman under her bed…"

"Do you think they're better at making choices than you are, then?"

"I…"

"Cuz Willow? Brought you back from the dead without checking where you were first, and broke my arm. Xander's marrying an ex-vengeance demon, so he has no room to judge you about your boyfriends. Giles spent months getting drunk because he thought he was useless to you, then ran away because he's too afraid to be your 'dad'…"

"Okay, okay…so they're as flawed as I am. What do you want me to do about it?" Buffy asked, frustrated.

"Live your life! The only people you're really responsible to are you, and me, cuz I'm still a minor and you're my legal guardian. Oh, and Uncle Sam for taxes. Everybody else is just contributing opinions."

"You really think about all this stuff? Are you sure you're only 15?"

"No, I'm a thousands of years old Key. Have to absorb something over the millennia. And right now, I'm supposed to be absorbing first period."

Buffy's head whipped around to the clock. "Oh, shit! Sorry! Should I just call in for you?"

"You'd really let me miss today?!" the teen exclaimed, surprised.

"Well, we do have stuff to do…I think I can make an exception just this once."

"Now, I know you've flipped the bend. The Buffy I know would never let me miss school if I'm not sick," Dawn teased.

Buffy paused in dialing the school's number. "Keep it up, Brat, and I'll make you go in late."

Dawn mimicked the zipping motion over her lips and listened to Buffy make excuses to the attendance office about her having food poisoning.

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When Corinne dropped by Spike's place, she found him loading things into a box.

"Are you moving?" she asked.

"What, this? No…it's just some things I'm returning to someone." He sealed the box with some tape and set it by the door. "So, how've you been?"

"Busy, as you probably guessed from my absence. You wanna catch a movie or something?"

"Sure, pet. Just let me turn the lights out." He headed for a hole in the floor and dropped through it. She'd never noticed it before.

"You have a hole in your floor."

"Yes," he drawled. "Thought it was common knowledge by now, Doc," he called from below.

She blushed and felt thankful he couldn't see her at the moment. "I just never spotted it. I don't know…I didn't really think about how you go below the crypt."

His head popped out of the hole suddenly, surprising her. "You'd think a doctor would be more observant," he teased. Spike flipped the trap door down, then covered it with the rug again.

"Well, in my defense, you did have it hidden!"

"You're cute when you blush, kitten," he teased further, grinning unabashedly. Which only made her blush further.

Stupid pale complexion, Corinne grumbled. Though her hair was dark auburn, she still had the redhead coloring, including the fair skin and freckles. "Did you just call me 'kitten'?"

"Huh…guess I did. I do that with women, you know. Shall we be off?" He looped his arm around hers and dragged her out the door.

Guess he's eager to get out of the house tonight…

It started to drizzle as they stepped outside, so the pair made a mad dash for the car.

"This has been a pretty wet week," Corinne commented, heading for the theater next to the mall.

Spike scoffed. "This is nothin'. Try growing up in London, pet. The sun shining in the morning had no bearing on what the afternoon would be like. Good vampire town, though. It's nice not to be constricted to moving around only at night."

"Do you ever wish you could be human again? To have certain freedoms back?"

"Humanity's overrated, luv. The only thing I miss is walking around in sunlight. Becoming a vampire was freedom for me, Doc. No worries about human frailties, no rules to follow. The world was brought into sharper focus, and the night can be so beautiful. Anywhere I wanted to go, anything I wanted to see…it was all mine for the taking."

"Isn't it also more dangerous? You have to hide from society, choose carefully what you eat, make sure there's always shelter…just think if that military organization you told me about had gone public and made everyone believe your kind had to be wiped out. The right tactics and motivation…it could be done in a few years," she countered.

"But they're not…and we'd adapt. We always do. As long as there have been humans, there have been vampires, pet. The smart ones survive because they know how to blend in. You'd be amazed at who's actually a demon on this rock. And the light's green."

"Ooops."

"Cori?"

"Yeah?"

"You think too much."

"I know," she sighed

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Two hours later, Spike was standing outside the hall for the restrooms, waiting for Corinne. He rolled his eyes, cursing his luck, as Xander walked out of the restroom.

"Well, if it isn't Deadboy Jr.? Whatcha doin' here, Spike? Swiping wallets?"

"No, you nit. I'm waiting for a friend."

The dark-haired carpenter laughed. "Oh, that's a good one! You?! Have a friend?!"

Corinne stepped up from behind Spike and linked her arm with his. "Yeah, he does. What's it to you?"

Anya joined the group, having come out right behind Corinne. She smacked Xander on the arm. "Xander! Can you not insult people in public?! He's one of our wedding guests. You insult people, they don't bring good presents!"

Xander's eyes bugged out. "You invited the Bleached Wonder? Ahn!"

"What? He saved your life several times last summer, and he brings me trinkets to sell in the shop. Besides, he could help in case some of the demon guests get too drunk, right, Spike?" Anya said sweetly.

Xander spoke instead, noticing the contact between the pair. "So, finally picked up a demon chick, Spikey? Or is this more a paid companion?" he asked snidely.

Corinne immediately felt her friend tense and step forward, saying "Spike, don't!" just as he popped Xander on the jaw. Both males dropped – Xander from the impact, and Spike from the splitting migraine. She knelt down with him, one hand massaging the nape of his neck.

"That was kinda stupid," she whispered. "But thank you."

"Harris doesn't have the right to speak to you like that. Oh, bloody hell, that hurt!" Spike slowly rose to his feet, shaking the last of his blurry vision away. Anya had dragged the unconscious young man over to a bench. "Sorry about the mark that's going to leave, pet," he said to her.

She dismissed the apology with a wave of her hand. "He deserved it. It's him I'm going to yell at when I see the wedding pictures. I could have told him your friend wasn't a demon! You're still coming, right? It's going to throw off my whole seating chart if I'm left with an empty chair," Anya stated hopefully

"I, uh…"

"He'll be there, and with a nice gift, too," Corinne interjected. "Come on, Spike. I'm hungry." She dragged the vampire away before Xander could wake up.

"Thanks a lot, pet. Now you've roped me into going to a wedding I couldn't care less about. I'm not spending my dosh on Harris' lazy fat ass!"

"So, I'll get it for you, for the bride. Did you see her face? It was really important to her. Aren't you always saying that not many people are nice to you? Well, she was, so maybe you should return the favor," she countered.

"I don't want to go," he insisted petulantly.

"Why not?" Corinne demanded to know.

"Slayer'll be there," Spike mumbled.

"Okay…and?"

"And…we were involved…"

"So?"

"Emphasis on were, pet. 'S gonna be bloody awkward. 've hardly seen her since…" Spike shook his head and resumed walking, only to have Corinne get in his space.

"Since when, Spike?" He'd been hedging and avoiding the subject of 'the Slayer' for weeks, and she really wanted to know why…what was so important…

He leaned into her space, his face hardened. "Since she beat my face in, alright? She's the one who left me in that alley. You happy?!" he shouted.

"That you're finally not keeping it bottled up? Yeah, I am! Keep going…" Corinne stayed right where she was in that parking lot, not flinching from his intense blue eyes.

"Alright. I love her…I've loved her for 2 years, nearly died for her numerous times, saved her sister more times than that, as well as that miserable lot she calls friends…and she took out every bit of pain and rage out on me. I thought I could handle it, too…thought if I absorbed some of it…gave her an outlet, that she'd get better…that she'd see…" The topic already had him so worked up, he was panting unnecessary breaths.

"See what, Spike?" she asked gently.

"See me. More than the 'Big Bad', more than 'mortal enemy'. We'd started on that path, you know…in those last days…and even when she first came back, she confided in me…only me, and I wanted to think that meant something. Thought I made it easier for her to be alive by just letting her be…not like the soddin' Scoobies that expected her to be like her old self right away. And then the spell, and then she kissed me…and I finally got my crumb, or at least I thought I did. She denied it, though. Kissed me again, and still denied it. Jumped my bones in a crumbling building, and still denied she felt anything for me. The cycle went over and over – she'd come for cold comfort, always demanding it hard and fast, then scramble off as soon as her legs worked again, usually with a punch to my nose for good measure…" Spike's words came faster and faster, Corinne trying to keep up with the story blanks. He trailed off again, until she prompted him.

"And the night of the alley?"

"I tried to stop her from turning herself in for accidentally killing a girl. Only she didn't, was just made to think she did. Tried to convince her that all the good she's done outweighed one mistake…that it wasn't worth throwing her life away for." Spike chuckled mirthlessly. "Wrong thing to say. Slayer lost it, then…poured everything on me, just like I'd asked her to. The name-calling wasn't something I enjoyed…None of it matters now. We're done, she's apologized, and we go on with life, or unlife, in my case. You know what really hurt, though?" He started walking again, only to turn around and phrase that last question.

"What, Spike?"

"After I kept Dawn safe from Glory, the hell god…barely got out of there with my life, Buffy told me that what I had done, for her, for them, was real, and she would never forget it. Made me feel like a man in those last weeks for the first time in over a century, and as soon as she'd kissed me…just months later…it became a lie. A lie she convinced herself of so well, that she never bleedin' looked back when she left me in that alley…not one soddin' glance. I was back to being a monster in her eyes…and she'd never been that harsh when I was that monster. I was…worthless to her…and she never looked for me to see how I was. Clem told me. He followed her around while I was sleeping, wanting to make sure she didn't try to finish the job. Wouldn't have been able to put up much of a fight with only one eye open…the broken ribs, I could handle…hadn't been the first time, after all…But she never came. I meant nothing at the time, and I'd thought…" He sobbed it all out, saying it out loud for the first time. Corinne rushed to comfort him.

"God, Spike…I'm sorry…"

He took her hand and squeezed it. "Nothin' to be sorry for, luv. You've been a real gem. I didn't tell you about the ribs because I could fix them on my own. They heal up fairly fast, anyway."

"I meant about all that…" And she did. It horrified her that anyone could be treated like that, especially by someone they cared for.

Spike smiled, almost. "I know you did, Cori. She came to the crypt a week ago, when her old boyfriend arrived in town with a new wife, and wanted me to make her feel better. Talk about role reversal! I actually refused to take her to bed…tried to get her to let me comfort her another way…but she pushed, like Buffy always does when she wants her way…and I said things. She said things, too, and I told her to go. I couldn't believe what I'd done, you know? Got a punch in the face for it, but I threw the woman I love out of my home." He shook his head in disbelief. "I thought she might take it out on Dawn, though, so I ran to the house…talked to Niblet once the Slayer'd gone off to bed, but I guess she must have heard us…"

"What happened?" she gasped, afraid of what he'd say.

He smiled, then, wonder crossing his face as he relived the moment. "She was honest, for once. And kind. Whatever had gone on between her and the Bit before I got there must have made an impact, because it was a Slayer I'd never seen before. Being Buffy, she didn't admit a lot, because the girl is scared to death of her own bloody emotions, but it was enough. And now we're just…done."

"Are you okay with that?" Corinne wondered.

Spike laughed at the simplicity of the question. "Yes and no. It was destroying both of us…and so there's relief, but I still love her more than anything. So yeah, it hurts to be apart, but I want to see her well, and happy. She hasn't been happy for a lot longer than the past months…things that have nothing to do with me. I just don't know what happens now." Spike dug in his pockets for his cigarettes and lighter, lighting one up and blowing the smoke away from his friend.

"Well, it's a small town. You're going to run into each other. I say you just try to be…normal. Maybe there's a bit of hope for that friendship you mentioned someday." Corinne wanted to say something encouraging, since that hope still meant so much to him.

"Ever the optimist?" he replied with a crooked smile.

"Pretty much," Corinne agreed. "Now, about that food…"

"I swear you're feeding a tape worm…"

She slapped his arm. "Watch it…"

A friendship like this, I hope, Spike thought, as they drove to the Italian place. There hadn't been a companion in his life he could really confide in since his sister had died as a girl. He and Dawn were close, for sure, but with the age difference…even as a 28-year-old human, he wouldn't tell her everything. Joyce was a different sort, as well, and Clem…well, there were some things they just didn't relate on. To get to a point where he could talk and laugh with Buffy like he could the Doc…he would eagerly consider it a kind of heaven. The only kind he could ever touch. Only time would tell.