So Hard To Speak the Truth
By:Blondenhot
Tom's POV:
Days passed slowly, excruciatingly, as I counted the minutes since I had seen her last. We visited Shelbey daily, each time scarred by her decenting appearance. Sloane was still oblivious to what was going on with her mother, her hero. Her biggest fan. She thought all of it was a game--as if we were playing candy land or something. Kids. They are so innocent, so naive.
But we all knew Shelbey was slipping away--and fast. Everytime we visited her, she was a little paler, a little skinnier, a little colder. It broke my heart more and more each time I witnessed her lying in that little tiny bed with all those wires and tubes attached to her.
What hurt me the most about all of it, was the fact that the last time I had spoken to her, we had fought. We had been talking about my future...I was twenty-one and I didn't want to hear my little sister telling me I needed to start settling down, start looking for the one person who would change my life forever. She had told me that it was time to start thinking about my future. To stop having little meaningless one night stands, and actually try to have a serious relationship with some one. That she wanted what was best for me-- I told her not to lecture me. I had my whole life to find someone... I didn't have to start looking for them right now. When she objected, I said the worst possible thing. I told her that after just one of her one night stands with a frickin asshole of a guy, she had another life to think about. Her daughter's.
I remember hearing her voice crack as she told me to go to hell, that her unborn daughter would be the best thing to ever happen to her. Shelbey was such a sweetie--she loved that baby the moment she found out she was pregnant with her. Her final remark was "Damn you, Tom Quincy." and then the phone was over come with a loud dial tone noise. I knew she had hung up on me, but I just stared at the reciever for five minutes, overcame with what had occured. I remember walking around pissed for two days, ranting and raving over my little sister. I was angery at her. She had told me she was pregnant the week before and I still hadn't gotten over it. I was so disappointed in her, for ruining her future that was going to be so bright and full. Little did I know, that she was completely and totally right. After Sloane was born, Shelbey was happier than anyone had ever seen her before. Or at least that'swhat they told me.She reminded me so much of Jude it terrified me.
I still hadn't written back to Jude. I couldn't muster up the confidence, the assurity to respond to her powerful letter. I was still shaking from it. I couldn't decide what to say...whether to push for forgiveness or to plead innocence. Things were going so slow these days...dragging by endlessly like a clock on the last day of school.
Eventually, I knew I would have to write back. It was wrong to leave the letter unresponded and to keep her wondering, to keep her waiting. But for now, I just couldn't do it. It wasn't in me--the power just wasn't there for now. I felt emotionally drained lately, like the strong half of me, the part Jude depended on, was back in Canada. Here in Montana, there was just a lonely white man who's sister was dying and leaving behind a three-year-old little girl.
Today, we were in the waiting room once again, slowly going in and out of her hospital room. She was even whiter this morning. Shelbey had always had fair skin, but this...this was an unnatural shade of white. It worried me--made me ask myself a question I had been avoiding. Was this the end?
After my little visit with her, I went in search of the doctor. I walked over to the nurse's station where a cute blonde was sitting, filling out some paperwork. I looked at her name tag.
"Hey...Bethany. I was wondering where Dr. Sanders is? I need to taslk to him." I said, watching as her head raised and her eyes grew wide with excitement at seeing Lil Tommy Q. at her desk. She shot me a flirty smile.
"Mr. Quincy! Why, I'm not sure where he is at the moment, but I can page him for you..." she said, her hazel eyes sparkling. I nodded slowly.
"That would be great." I told her as she picked up the white phone and her voice came out over the hospital speakers. She said his name and told him he was needed. Minutes later, the doctor was standing in front of me, shaking my hand like he always did when we saw each other. Which was quite frequently lately.
"Dr.Sanders. Shelbey...she looks worse than she ever has before. Tell me the truth. What's going on with my little sister? No lies. How bad is she?" I asked with finality and a "No bull shit" look encreased in my features. The doctor wringed his hands before beginning to answer me.
"Mr. Quincy, Shelbey's cancer has spread to her brain and her throat. She's not doing to great, as you can apparantly see. I was going to tell you and your family today, but since you came to me, I'll tell you now. Shelbey has another two or three days to live. At tops." He said as I felt my vision blur and my face pale. My head swam as I gripped onto the wall in hope to regain my balance.
"That's all? Two days?" I said grasping desperatly for air. It couldn't be...she couldn't be leaving us so quickly. She can't die on me so soon. I needed her...I hadn't even been able to tell her bout Jude yet.
"Two, possibly three. I'm not quite sure yet. But I am so sorry for your loss. Shelbey seems like a joy to be around, a real down to earth woman and great mother and sister." he said with a grave expression and I believed him because he was right. I still struggled to see though--my vision had yet to fully return to me.
"Thanks for being honest, Doc." I said, finally steady enoughto make it back to where the rest of my family was sitting, waiting. The doctor was behind me the whole time, preparing to tell my family. I entered Shelbey's room, as he told them the news that I already knew.
Sloane was sitting beside her mother, giggling at something she had said. I teared up at the sight. I took Shelbey's hand after I pulled up a chair . Sloane left the room to go comfort her grandmother who was crying hysterically in the lobby after hearing the fateful news.
"Tom!"Shelbey said, a smile still tugging at the corner of her pink lips. A hint of pain was evident in her voice, even though It was concealed well. I had always known Shelbey better than anyone--knew when she was suffering. She knew this was one of the last times she would get to say good bye to any of us. It hurt her as much as it hurt me--terrified us both beyond reasoning.
"Shelbs. I know the last time we talked, I said some pretty harsh and unneccasary things about Sloane and your condition. I was so wrong and as always, little Sis, you were right. You wanted what was best for me and I pushed you away--insulted you and hurt you in ways I never knew I was capable of. I met this girl about six weeks after we had that conversation. You've heard of her; Jude Harrison. And everytime I think of her, I think of you. You two remind me so much of each other it scary. You both are headstrong, beautiful. Stubborn." I said as I paused long enough to reach over and tousle her little bit of hair that was left. " It's completely crazy, Shelbs. She's this
amazing woman--so young and pure. So much younger than me in more ways than one. It's so wrong yet I've never done a thing that's felt more right than the stuff I do when I'm with her or thinking about her." I paused once again, taking a gulp of crisp hospital air before continuing my confession. "When I heard what was going on here, I left her without an explanation. We were supposed to go on our first date ever...the first time we wouldn't care what the world thought of us being together. And I ditched her, leaving only a wimpy, and pathetic good bye for my reasoning. I drove off, with her standing in my dust, tears pouring down her cheeks as she stood in the middle of the road after begging me not to go, not to leave her. She was soaked to the bone, with the rain that was falling freely down from the cloudy sky--heartbroken. And then, a month ago, when I was stupid enough to believe I could salvage what we almost had, I sent her a sad excuse for an apoligy letter. I wasn't expecting the letter I got back. She told me she would forgive me...but that it would take a while. I haven't even written her back yet. I can't think of any charming way to get her to not hate me. Hell, right now, I hate myself. God knows, you have your problems and don't need to carry mine around on your shoulders, but yet hear I am, telling you anyways. What kind of man am I?" I said, my voice giving out on me. My sister layed one of her soft, pale hands over mine in a comforting way. Something Jude would have done.
"Oh, Tom. Have you told her how you feel yet, Loverboy?"she asked on a laugh. I'm glad SOMEONE found our complicated relationship funny. I hung my head in shame at the answer I had to voice out loud.
"Nope." I let out a bitter laugh." How's that for irony! I'm twenty-three years old and I can't even tell a girl how I feel. I've never felt this way--the overpowering strength I have when I'm around her blows me away. She does something to me, turns my world around with one heated look or a simple touch. And her being off limits just makes me want her even more. This feeling--it amazes and terrifies me out of my mind. I can't help it anymore--can't say this feeling isn't there. The girl gets under my skin and winds me up like a doll. She makes me want to be a better man...for both of our sakes. And she appreciates and understands music the way I do. I've never met someone like this before. It's exhilarating and horrifing at the same time." I said knowing all of it was true. It felt good to finally tell someone the truth about Jude and not an overexaggerated lie. I watched as my younger sister let out a pleasant laugh.
"It's love! God I have got to meet this girl!" She said, her green eyes twinkling with an amazing sparkle at my heartfelt outburst. I cradled my head in my hands as I felt tears sting and escape from my eyes as I realized there was no running from this feeling--and that she would never be able to meet her. I realized that this was it. Jude was the only person I would ever feel this way about. Ever.
"It's love...and I can't stop it. Trust me I've tried. She's just...It's like...have you ever had that one moment where everything is going right...where it feels as if your floating on a cloud relaxing and you don't have a doubt anywhere near your mind? You get a goofy grin on your face that's impossible to wipe off? That's how I feel when I'm with Jude--in her pressence I am someone completely different. Is that awful of me? Is this feeling, this amazingly wonderful feeling, terribly awful? Am I just crazy for loving her the way I do? Am I?" I asked her, bringing my head up and making eye contact with her. This had unnerved me-knocked me off my high stool and dropped me hard on the concrete. I felt sick.
"Oh Tom. So many men would kill to be you--to feel the way for their wifes or girlfriends as you do for Jude. So many women would die for a chance to be connected to a man for the rest of their lives that loved them so deeply and completely. Do you not see how lucky you are? And if this girl, Jude, if she feels anything close to what you feel for her, than you are set Tommy. You can make this happen...can work out the age difference and the fights. All you have to do, big brother, is tell the poor girl how you feel! She deserves that...needs to hear it from you. All girls want to find a real love...and from the sounds of it, she's one of the very lucky ones who did." She said as I felt myself tear up once again. HearShelbs is on her death bed and yet she still has time to give me the words I need to hear. That's a good sister and a wonderful person for ya. I don't care who you are.
I stayed there for a little longer before we all left, leaving Shelbey to suffer through one of her last nights in a stiff hospital bed. Little did I know, the next day, she wouldn't have to go through that anymore...her suffering would be through. She'd leave us all behind to go to a place where she could be in total bliss...where nothing would ever go wrong.
And I would be the last person she would talk to.
Hey guys! I am so sorry it's taken me so long! I'm planning a trip to go to New York...my favorite place in the world...and that's taken up most of my time! Do you think we can reach 26 reviews? Let me know what you think darlins, and click the review button please! LUV!