Beauty In The Breakdown
It was raining again. The clouds billowed up over my head as I walked to the coffee gallery down the street from G Major. I let out a sigh as I felt water pool around my ankle and seeping into my Vans, obviously stepping in a muddy puddle of water.
I looked up at the sky as I grumbled a few words of regret.
This was just a typical day. I don't remember a day in the past month when there had been a sunny day, in my heart or outside, or a day where I had woke up smiling. There was always the same repeating damp morning. I had squeezed out another song a couple of weeks before.
The tune played through my ears as I hummed along.
"You came to me In seemless sleep Slipped right in Behind my eye On the back of my mind We swam a sea Of pretty sights and chandelier skies I swore i could feel you breathe It was all so real to me
The light had slipped through the window The morning ripped you away oh."
Uncaring, I tipped my head back as I sang the last word, moaning at the sharp grip of emotions that had a hold of my heart. The tears started to flow freely as I started the chorus. I fell to my knees as I moved over to the sidewalk.
"Dont wake me up I am still dreaming The storms undone Unravel at the seams Dont wake me up Death is misleading And when i fall sleep Sleep with your ghost
I looked in the dark The room calm and cold And quiet hollow I am such a haunted soul Your ghost has gone to bed Its all cold
The light had slipped through the window The morning ripped you away oh
Dont wake me up I am still dreaming
The storms undone Unravel at the seams
Dont wake me up
Death is misleading
And when i fall sleep
Sleep with a ghost."
I felt my heart crack inside of me all over again. I let out a hiccup-py sob that sounded something like the noise a donkey would make when its choking on a piece of grass, as I started the last verses.
"Oh you were a fire caught in a storm
Memories like ambers keep us warm
You will leave me in the morning me
The light had slipped through the window
The morning ripped you away oh
oh.
oh."
Knowing that I was making a scene, I pulled my broken self together as I wiped my cheeks at a pathetic attempt to clear any signs of tears, that were quite evidently once there. I heard faint clapping echo behind me but didnt bother to look behind me to see if a crowd had gathered behind me at my public display of heart break and dismay.
The next few blocks to G Major were hard--I weezed my way over there like a dying goat. When I finally got to the glass double doors at the front of the building and held on for a moment, trying and failing to regain my composure. I breathed deaply and plunged ahead into another mornings work, and another day's antagonizing boredom.
Like a few weeks before, when Darius came in with the morning mail, he came to me first. He handed me a plain white envelope with no retyrn address, no name saying who it was from. This puzzled me...if it was from Tommy he would have put Tom Quincy up at the top. I tore it open like a child on Christmas morning, my anxiety getting the best of me. There was two sheets of paper in there, one folded up like it had been folded in a hurry and one being careful and purposely folded over three times, as if it held some important secret. I took them both out of the envelope, but chose the neat one first. I unfolded it and curled my legs under me as I layed it out over my lap. The author of the note and printed neatly at the top of the paper;
Dear Jude,
You may not know of me, but believe me sweetie I know of you. How, you may ask? Because my big brother is Tom Quincy. He talks of you all the time.Why, just a little while ago, he told me that he had found the person he was meant for...the only person he had ever been able to imagine a life with. He says we remind him of each other--that we are similiar in more ways that one. I don't find that hard to believe.
From what he's told me, from the way he's described you, you sound like a terrific person Jude. Some of his direct words to me were " It's completely crazy, Shelbs. She's this amazing woman--so young and pure. So much younger than me in more ways than one. It's so wrong yet I've never done a thing that's felt more right than the stuff I do when I'm with her or thinking about her." Sweet, huh? Here's something else he told me... "I'm twenty-three years old and I can't even tell a girl how I feel. I've never felt this way--the overpowering strength I have when I'm around her blows me away. She does something to me, turns my world around with one heated look or a simple touch. And her being off limits just makes me want her even more. This feeling--it amazes and terrifies me out of my mind. I can't help it anymore--can't say this feeling isn't there. The girl gets under my skin and winds me up like a doll. She makes me want to be a better man...for both of our sakes. And she appreciates and understands music the way I do. I've never met someone like this before. It's exhilarating and horrifing at the same time." He's crazy about you, Jude.
Yeah, he told me about a month or two ago when he left you.
But that's a different story. Let me start again by telling you who I am.
My name is Shelbey Quincy. I'm a couple years younger that Tom, but we've always been close. He's my hero. He's accomplished so much in so few years and yet he still strives to be better at almost everything. His choice in women has always bothered me though. Did he ever tell you that I walked in on him right after he had had sex for the first time? It was horrifying. Like seriously, I asked my parents for glasses; I thought I had been blinded. I couldn't see straight for a week, scout's honor. He's always been a playboy...and he was really bad when he was with Portia. I'm sorry, but that poor woman is a grade A skank. I couldn't ever stand her. She was always so perfect on the outside...but the way she presented herself always worked to her disadvantage. I pity her immensely. She never had what I had--never experienced the love of two parents, of an entire family. She was what I call attention starved...always the one you could pick out of the crowd. I nearly strangled Tom when I found out that they had eloped.
But that's a different story.
Now let me tell you, Jude, my little brother has never been one whos real open about his feelings. That's probably why he hasn't told you how he feels yet. But he's told me...and I have never been so touched by simple words than I was when my brother confessed to me his feelings for you. Tears rolled openly down his cheeks as I heard his words. Let me tell you what he told me...
"When I heard what was going on here, I left her without an explanation. We were supposed to go on our first date ever...the first time we wouldn't care what the world thought of us being together. And I ditched her, leaving only a wimpy, and pathetic good bye for my reasoning. I drove off, with her standing in my dust, tears pouring down her cheeks as she stood in the middle of the road after begging me not to go, not to leave her. She was soaked to the bone, with the rain that was falling freely down from the cloudy sky--heartbroken. And then, a month ago, when I was stupid enough to believe I could salvage what we almost had, I sent her a sad excuse for an apoligy letter. I wasn't expecting the letter I got back. She told me she would forgive me...but that it would take a while. I haven't even written her back yet. I can't think of any charming way to get her to not hate me. Hell, right now, I hate myself. God knows, you have your problems and don't need to carry mine around on your shoulders, but yet hear I am, telling you anyways. What kind of man am I?" And as I suppressed a laugh at my sullen older brother I asked him the question that was burning in my mind.
"Oh, Tom. Have you told her how you feel yet, Loverboy?"His response scared me even worse. "Nope. How's that for irony! I'm twenty-three years old and I can't even tell a girl how I feel." I merely frowned down at him. He's always been so hard on himself. But listen to me Jude. My brother thinks he's in over his head. He's scared...he saw what our parent's went through. It hit him the hardest...he had been around longer than the rest of us, and he had lived with them for as long as he could remember. He loved both of them and it killed him to see thier marriage fail so miserably. All he knows is that when he's with you, his smile seems wider and his mood usually changes. When he sees you cry, his heart breaks because from what I've heard, he's usually the cause of it. He doesn't mean any harm...he just wants you to be treated the way you should be--to be loved by someone who is worthy of your love. And that person is him. Yet, his naive little head has never broken its stubborn streak. He's always has this image in his head...this picture perfect idea that he knows deep down will never work out, but still pushes towards it. I admire him for it...but I know that its killing him inside. He needs you now Jude more than ever.
Now comes the scary part, ok? If you are reading this, I am dead. No please, don't freak. I asked Tom to give you this after I was gone. And hopefully, he did do that. Because this is the only time I'm going to be able to tell you something...as heartbreaking as this is, we won't be able to become cest friends or even friends. I won't see you on your wedding day, and I won't be there to witness Tom coming to his senses. But I know it will happen...I really do. Let's just say I'm good like that.
Let me tell you what I told him...I once read in a book a line that meant a lot to me--touched me to the core with the sweetness of it, even though the words are quite simple. "If it's possible to send a message from heaven, I'll get one to you." If there is anyway in these connected universes, I will get you a message. And I will. I believe in miracles and I believe in fate. I believe that God has made you for Tom and Tom for you. I know that you are happiest with him, even if I'v enever met you. All you have to do is not let go of him. He's taking his time and he will regret it once all this is over, but he will never regret loving you. And you will never, ever regret waiting on him. All you have to do is have faith. Believe in my little brother as I believe in you..
So with a few closing words, I wish you the most sincerest happiness in your life. May God let this heartbreak end soon, and you live your life to the fullest. Love is a once in a lifetime thing...true love is. And this, this between you and Tom, is true love. The truest. I will always be with you... please wait on him. Tom worships the ground you walk on...please dont step all over him.
Forever with you,
Shelbey Quincy 3
I am so sorry its taken me so long! My dad finally moved out...and its just been so hard lately. But here's my newest update...hope you enjoy! Can we try 50 reviews? I love you.