Thanks for the wonderful reviews! I'm truly humbled and grateful.
Kydasam: Thanks so much for the thorough review! (blushes) Loved your responses to those parts. The thought of a parallelism between the ring around the Toe of Evil and the One Ring did cross my mind. But I felt that an outright parody (though always welcome) might seem a bit out of place in the Second Slice itself. And so I will heed your advice and consider the possibilities for future Slices. Hope this Non-Bonus Feature tickles you as well!
Seadragon68: You were absolutely right about the chicken! I'm glad I was able to get the message across without totally giving away everything. Or did I? Hehe. We don't have any immediate plans to turn Carl into anything, but Kydasam' s wonderful Bogey Man did mention what kind of chicken Carl would make. Thanks for looking this over for me. I hope this Non-Bonus Feature's unleashing satisfies your longing for a Beholder plushie… for the meantime. Hehe!
EmeVHfan: I was also sad about finishing the Second Slice because I'll miss the Beholder and the Mysterious Chicken. But worry not; I'll do my best to come up with more Inanities and there's always the possibility of future reappearances. (winks) I suppose Gabriel, Carl and the Beholder would make a great trio. Carl and the Beholder can always gang up on Gabriel! Heehee (hears ominous growling behind her)! Yikes!
SilverFlover: Thanks for taking the time to read and review. I started out with the intention of delivering some Carl Abuse, but apparently, the Van Helsing Abuse was just as welcome! Hehe! (hears ominous growling) It was Van Helsing's fault he got turned into a chicken anyway. And if VH fans come after you, we'll just give the Beholder a hoot and he'll come fluttering by to your rescue. (winks) Thanks for the "lawyer compliment". I wish my Business Law professor could read this. Heehee!
Random-Battlecry: Thanks! You'd be surprised to know what else could be more perverted than Gerard Butler. (winks) I'm sorry to hear about the mass deletion, but I'm glad you'll be able to give the updates soon. Possible demise of the Writer in OVB? Yikes! Perhaps you should reconsider?
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Goodness! I can't believe I'm doing outtakes of my own fic. (Too many Jacky Chan movies! Argh!)
Ah, justifications for posting this Non-Bonus Feature:
The Third Slice, in my humble opinion, is the most poisonous by far (though not necessarily the cutest… do I hear some cringing back there?). It's currently driving me up the wall and off a cliff so an Outtakes chapter might ease some of the death throes I'm having right now.
I did consider putting this up as a separate "story", but then it would appear by itself in the Just-In Page and some hapless victim- I mean, new reader would tragically chance upon it and be horribly inconvenienced with the need to go back to the original Slices. More unnecessary mouse clicks, therefore a violation of the eternal wisdom of Time Motion Studies and Plain Laziness.
And I thought it would be easier for the regular readers. See? That's how much I love you guys!
FEAR YE THE OUTTAKES!
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First Outtake:
If Carl had unwittingly found his way into the Holy See' s wine cellars, unwittingly emptied an eighth of a barrel of the Cardinal's finest wine, and perhaps, even unwittingly stumbled into the apothecary's lab and unwittingly munched on some vision- inducing herbs, then he would've found the wits to blink and giggle at the strange sight that now floated before him.
"Van Helsing! Stop waving the Cardinal's monogrammed boxers as our white flag of surrender!"
(I know Gabriel should've already been transmogrified in this part, but this was an outtake before the first scriptwriter called it quits and jumped into the Bottomless Chasm. ;)
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Second Outtake:
When the creature didn't answer, Carl boldly took a few steps forward and prayed that his robes hid the uncontrollable shaking of his knees. "And the next two hundred years? Did you find a suitable er- form of entertainment then?"
The Beholder tilted slightly to its left. "Well, there was American Idol to keep me company, but the cable got fried. Stupid hapless adventurers and their stupid torches! Then this cable guy came down to fix it but I mistook him for a treasure seeker."
The monster sighed. "I called them to say that it was an honest mistake. But they never sent another technician ever since."
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Third Outtake:
Carl sat down on a rock and stroked the chicken's wing. "Then what do you do when there aren't any," he gulped nervously, " hapless adventurers to torment?"
"I put up a little puppet show with my tentacle eyes." The monster wriggled two of its lesser eyes and raised the pitch of its voice just for effects. "Hullo, Mr. Eye! Hullo Mrs. Eye! You're looking fine today, Mrs. Eye! You're the prettiest and handsomest little eye I ever did see! Why, thank you, Mr. Eye! Same to you too!" The Beholder giggled, pleased with itself.
Carl clapped his hands in delight. "Oh! Oh! Do the Battle of Helm's Deep and that scene where they were going to burn Faramir! Man! That part where a flaming Denethor jumps off the cliff is so hilarious!"
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Fourth Outtake:
Carl held up the chicken so that they were face to face. "You wouldn't happen to be able to lay an egg that hatches into a gun that fires a grappling hook, would you?"
Something warm and round plopped down and smashed against the friar's shoes. Carl looked with disgust at the yellow and slimy mess now clinging to the hem of his robes.
"Can we get a professional in here?" he whined as the chicken blushed. The director could only sigh and drive a silver stake through his own heart.
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Fifth Outtake:
Carl pulled the chicken close to his chest. His little companion clucked in seeming protest but Carl shushed him.
"Don't shush me! This stupid chicken suit is giving me the damn itchies!" Van Helsing complained.
Carl rolled his eyes and hissed. "Because you wouldn't listen! I told the director that a real-live, professional chicken actor would work better than putting you in a chicken suit! You can't expect me to carry you around in my arms for the entire story!"
"Ooooooh! I didn't hear you complain last time! Even with the chicken suit!" Van Helsing pouted.
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Sixth Outtake:
Carl's face fell in genuine sympathy. "That's awful! I would never wish such fate upon the worst of my enemies. Well, except for that horrid Dominican gunpowder expert who scoffed at my Glycerin48. Or maybe not. In either case, I don't think anybody deserves such a sad lot in life."
The Dominican gunpowder expert who scoffed at Carl's Glycerin48 suddenly barged in. Angrily, we might add.
"I know you have a compassionate and forgiving heart, Brother Carl! But did it stop you from putting a tojo blade in my seat?"
Carl smiled innocently. "Oh! So that's where the darned thing ended up. I've been searching all over the lab for it. Oh, my! Foolish o'l absentminded me!"
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This one's for everyone who liked the Peeping-Tom-Beholder-Scene. If it's of any comfort, I'll miss the Beholder monster too. (sniffs) But who knows? The big o'l bugger might get into another scrape in the future!
Seventh Outtake:
The Beholder narrowed its central eye and began to chant a spell. The words that escaped the monster's lips struck Carl as an ancient and unknown tongue that was only spoken in realms beyond human existence.
"Hey! I heard that!" Carl yelled and shook his fist at the creature.
The Beholder raised its only eyebrow, if it had any in the first place. "And what did I just say?"
"Think I don't understand Klingon? You said Carl is a sissy friar who wears purple girly thongs with rhinestone studs under his robes!" Carl huffed.
The Beholder sniggered. "But you are wearing purple girly thongs with rhinestone studs under your robes! Yet since I am a professional actor, unlike some people I know, I stuck to my 'tight-fitting linen trousers' line."
Before the friar could retort and the director and scriptwriter start considering a job in the slave pits of Cardinal Jinette's personal Love Ranch, Van Helsing entered the scene with the look of a man who has been wronged and seeking for justice.
"Carl, you thieving little mouse! Didn't I tell you to stop raiding my underwear drawer?"
The friar squeaked before making a mad dash for his life. Straight into the waiting arms of the bottomless chasm.
"Aaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeegh!" Carl screamed as he flapped his way into oblivion.
Van Helsing and the Beholder peered into the abyss.
"Not fair! I still have to ask him where he hid my pair of boxers with Bite Me, Jinette(!) embroidered on the back!"
The creature patted Van Helsing on the shoulder with one of its eyestalks. "Do not worry. Since today is Saturday, you can come back at Wednesday."
"What for and why Wednesday?"
The Beholder grinned and produced a box, a manual, and a screwdriver. "Because on Wednesday, the friar will be bouncing back out of this hole by then. I just installed a giant trampoline down there. Never know when you will drop something you cannot afford to miss, yes?"
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Ah, sorry! I know it wasn't funny. But I just couldn't resist. (winks)
Thanks, Everyone!