Chapter 7: Run With the Wild Horses...
Tom's POV:
Love is a burden...one that never lightens or leaves. So many people yearn for that feeling of falling for someone in such a way that they are their everything...in a way that they end up losing themselves for something that never had plans for a happy ending in the first place. For some, maybe that just means that things didn't work out, and they just arent happy anymore. For others, it takes time and then people just realize that what they had worked so hard for wasnt all they thought it would be. And then for some, their love was never ruled out or forgotten...it had no conclusion or ending--good or bad. It just hung there, in the back of thier minds as they tried to push it to the back of thier subtle brains, and trying not to weep over something worthless that keeps resurfacing.
The worst way to feel is regretful. It happens in so many cases that something comes up..someone leaves, someone dies, someone gives up, and in the end, the people who truly matter to you or who should truly matter to you, are gone and theres no turning back...theres no truth telling, no second chance to tell them that they are the one that will always mean everything to you. People make mistakes, and the greatest mistakes are made by those who think they are doing the right thing, or who don't truly realize the reality of what is happening.
As I stood in the park with Sloane, pushing her on the swing set softly and slowly, as tears rolled down the child's cheeks as she whispered a question to no one in particular, just herself. My arms shook as I kept a steady rhythm in pushing her, being careful not to shake her up anymore than she already was. The past couple of weeks following Shelbey's death had been difficult. With no one to turn to, Sloane looked to me for comfort, a little girl seeking comfort in a man who didnt have enough strength to hold his own walls up. I missed Jude even more now, after the death, than I did before if not for the sole reason that I relied on Jude...she was the woman who kept me from crumbling over the everyday woes of my life.
Sending her that letter that Shelbey wrote for her was the most difficult thing I have had to do since watching them unplug all the wires and tubes that had supported my sister through all her pain, had given her time, even if it was only mere hours, mere days. She hasn't sent anyway of communication since I sent it to her...hasn't called or texted me in months. I miss the days when we would text until 3 A.M. and then wake up at 7:00 and talk over a cup of coffee. When I would sit and watch her strum her guitar chords lovingly, and sing in a gentle voice a melody that she never knew would make a hit, just following her heart and listening to what her mind and her heart say, the way they argue over her daily movements and the way the compromise at the end of the day.
I miss the days when I could hold her as we both broke down, laying the world's burdens and secrets down on the others shoulders, freeing the other of any pain held in the cold cold hearts, that we all betray and that beats inside of us. Each heart holds its own secrets, its own burdens. Some more than others, and some attempt to heal deeper scars than others. Each heart is its own ocean..some drown and others come out a stronger person in the end from thier trials and tribulations.
But there is always those days that you just feel like letting it go. Today, as the leaves swirl around Sloane and I, I felt like just saying to hell with it all. I looked down at the auburn curls of the abandoned child in front of me, as my pushing stopped at a slow pace until we both came to a complete stop. My heart went to her, as tears steadily rolled down her cheeks still, and as she turned around to look at me, as her hazel eyes, were red and swollen. The question she had been murmuring to herself was asked out loud to me, a man who needed more answers than he could supply.
"Uncle Tommy, why did God choose Mommy of all people to leave?" And as I knelt down to wrap my arms around the little girl, I felt all resolve I had in me to forget about my pain for just today, crumble miserably.
Jude's POV:
I wondered what it would be like to be something that could run or fly so fast that it all disolved beneath you, to be able to forget about anything and just go. To be able to be free...to have the whole world be surpassed if only for a few moments. In my head played a Natasha Bedingfield song that I had heard in the taxi on the way here. It went something like this...
"I feel these 4 walls closing in
My face up against the glass
I'm looking out... hmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
Its greener pastures i'm thinking about hmm
Wide open spaces far away
All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing too
Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!
Ohh yeaaa yea
I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free...
Oh, I wanna run with the wild horses."
As I walked in the shuffling leave piles, kicking my way to the spot they had sent me, I wondered what I was doing here again...why I was chasing something that had been against me in the first place. I tried composing myself and I tried to let my heart heal itself, but I learned that that is the most uneffective way anyone to get over anything that meant something to them.
A pair of lovers walked past me, holding hands and gazing lovingly at the lake to our rights, as the sun set and the day came to an end. Benches, picninc tables, and the playground were less than a hundred feet in front of me and as the sun hit my face, and turned my complexion an orange color, a man came into view.
He was holding a small child's hand in his and was standing up, the tears glistening on his cheeks, and the sun illuminating his blue eyes. His eyes widened with embarrasment and his body stiffened in joy and surprise, as his eyes layed sight on me, the one he had left so long ago. My heart swelled, as I dropped my phone and my purse, as the pain of the past 6 months crushed me. At the same time, our feet paced toward each other, hesitant at first then despratly, and in a matter of 15 seconds, he was gripping me tightly, and I was thanking God that he hadn't let me give up, as I whispered in this heavenly man's ear the name that had repeatedly been on my tongue, and my eyes adjusted to seeing someone who they had gone dry from not seeing.
"Tommy..you have no idea how much I have missed you."
-123-
So, here it is..I didnt really know how this story was going to go, how this chapter was going to be written. The plan when I sat down at my computer a while ago, never started out as "Hey, I'm gonna write another chapter for You and I!" It was unexpected..and I'm glad I thought to do it. This chapter was written for the people who have been or are in love with the idea of love, and aren't particularly happy with men at this point of time. The boy I love...he doesn't love me back. And I wonder, is unrequited love really love? Who knows, really? This chapter was for those of you who are as confused as I am. I would love reviews, but I understand if you dont want to give any, because this chapter was more of a thought process for me...and I wanna say right now. If anyone needs to talk to someone about anything, you can talk to me. You dont have to tell me your name, and you dont have to tell me anything if you dont want to, but I will talk to anyone who needs a friend, someone they can lay thier secrets on, and take a burden off thier shoulders. Just send me a message if you want to. I would love to help anyone I can...talking with someone helps, especially when you dont really know them...you dont have to worry about them judging you. I love you guys...thanks for everything. Caroline