Thanks for the wonderful reviews! I'm delighted you all loved the Non-Bonus Feature as much as I had fun poisoning minds… I mean, amusing the readers with it.
SilverFlover: To know that the Outtakes have brightened your day makes me just as grateful for I'm aware that you've got a busy schedule. I'm going for weekly updates and I hope this one elicits a giggle from you as well. I'm glad that you loved the "underwear jokes" and the trampoline. Hehe.
Seadragon68: Klingon for "purple girly thongs with rhinestone studs"? Maybe it sounds something like "Klatu Berata Niktu!" (coughs) Sorry, random Army of Darkness moment. Hehe. With regards to Gabriel in a chicken suit, let's just put it this way: If the director had opted to put Gabriel in a chicken suit instead of using a professional chicken actor, then we'd be using the term "Perverted Chicken" instead of… (speech is cut short by a tojo blade whizzing by)
Kydasam: Thy query regarding the purple thongs will be answered in this atrocity of an Additional Outtakes chapter. (wicked cackling) Loved your responses to the bloopers. The previous Outtakes chappie has served its purpose, all right: another Outtakes chapter and an influx of ideas for future Slices… but not for the Third Slice! Argh! And I have to put the Third Slice out soon because it's already being malformed, I mean, formed. Hope you like this one as well. Hehe.
Random-Battlecry: False Modesty? It was more in line with a "Please don't have me strung up on the gibbet and hung over yonder Bottomless Chasm". (snickers) Don't fret over the tangents… I'm more worried about the cosines and secants. (gets haunted by the Ghost of a Failing Grade in College Trigonometry) Limericks, eh? I'll be off to read it in a singsong fashion.
EmeVHfan: Yep, I couldn't believe it myself. Perhaps the poor o'l Beholder was crying over losing its precious cable TV. May that serve as a lesson for Adventurers and Treasure Seekers everywhere! And for hapless cable TV repairmen, of course. Well, the Dominican gunpowder expert had it coming. He's lucky he only got a tojo blade and not Glycerin48 in his tea, wouldn't you agree?
The Widow Dracula: Thank you very much! I loved your stories and poems on Dracula's Brides. Carl is awesome, indeed! A virginal, hedonistic genius of a walking plushie begging to be abused… I mean, hugged! (sighs) As for the info on the mythical creatures, I must thank the heavens for letting me stumble onto Bullfinch's Mythology. Even though that hardbound copy cost penniless me an arm and a leg, not to mention a week of sleeplessness until I decided to finally buy it. Hehe.
Gasp! More Outtakes? Actually, only a handful for this part but no less perverted.
Gentle Readers, I hope you have fun guessing which Outtake corresponds to your "peculiar tastes". Hehe.
FEAR YE THE ADDITIONAL OUTTAKES (among other Atrocities)!
Brought to you by strong coffee and limp fries.
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Eighth Outtake:
Without much effort, Carl pried the lid open and peered into the chest. He stared at the content in silence, his eyes widened in shock.
Dracula sat up and yawned. He rubbed the frost still clinging to his eyelashes and licked his lips. The vampire knit his brows as he began to take note of his surroundings.
"This is not Transylvania?"
Carl and the Beholder shook their heads while the chicken feigned indifference.
Dracula huffed and touched a stray lock of his hair, his pale fingers gracefully stiff with the air of one who has been greatly offended.
"I am not one to waste my unrighteous anger upon mindless, obtuse Dwergi. Instead, I shall sue the trousers off the incompetent courier that delivered me here!"
The vampire leaned seductively on one elbow and smirked. "Pardon me, but do you know any good lawyers?"
Carl gulped anxiously. "Are you referring to the noble and honest ones, or those whose bloodsucking abilities surpass that of yours?"
Dracula pouted and crossed his arms. "As a member of the often discriminated and marginalized Morally- Challenged sector of society, I resent that misused and intended slur upon my character! You are sooo going to hear from my lawyer!"
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Ninth Outtake:
It dawned upon Carl, much to his horror, that the tickling sensation was caused by one stray tentacle eye that has found it way between his legs and into his robes!
"My choice of- of undergarments is hardly your concern! Could you please remove your eye from out of my robes? A man requires some degree of privacy, you know?" Carl huffed and blushed as he hugged his legs close to his chest.
The Beholder snickered. "Fine! Like I could profit from what I just saw in there!"
When it has made sure that Carl and the chicken weren't looking, the Beholder whispered into its cellular phone.
"I have obtained snapshots of the friar's underwear. How many digital prints? Varying sizes? Certainly! We shall discuss the marketing strategies to be undertaken and the splitting of the profits, of course. And do not forget my overhead expenses. The friar is no trouble but the chicken is unusually heavy on my head."
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Tenth Outtake:
The journey didn't take more than several minutes. But it wasn't exactly the smoothest and most quiet one in history either. Every few feet or so, the Beholder dipped sharply and then corrected itself, eliciting a surprised peep from the chicken and a scolding from the agitated friar.
"That's not funny!" Carl protested. As he shook his fist, he promptly lost his balance and slipped off the Beholder's head. The chicken managed to flap himself free from Carl's embrace before the friar completely plunged into oblivion.
"Squawk!" went the chicken.
The Beholder frowned. "The burden has become lighter. Did someone just make an unscheduled stop?"
"Down here!" Carl's yell echoed.
The Beholder and the chicken peered into the Bottomless Chasm, worry etched upon their faces.
"Are you hurt?" The monster asked even as the chicken clucked nervously.
"I'm all right! Nothing broken. Oh, lookie! A remote control and twenty dollars worth of change. Anyone missing a medieval TV guide?" came the friar's reply from the darkness.
The Beholder wiggled its tentacle eyes in glee. "I have been searching for those in ages! The last pizza guy refused to believe that I had dropped my money down there. The nerve of that fellow to accuse me of freeloading!"
(Done for those who find things in their sofa.)
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Ah, I'm not really sure what to call this one, so I'll settle for…
A-Very-Perverted-Not-So-Outtake (Thou hast been warned):
A duet of unearthly giggling could be heard floating from behind a rather large rock. The Beholder cocked its ears, if it had any, and scowled. This cannot be good.
Van Helsing, much used to doing the pawing, grasped Carl's wrists. "Slow down, Mr. Needy and Greedy! Don't we have story to finish?"
The friar huffed and pulled back his hands. "Have you no faith in me? We have the rest of the Slice off for I've made a deal with the…"
"The Devil? How could you?" Van Helsing gasped.
Carl wagged a finger. "No, no, not the Devil. A Lesser Evil that I fear more, though It was very sweet and accommodating."
Van Helsing sighed with relief, but he shot the friar a suspicious look. "So what did you bribe the Evil Powers That Be with?" The hunter growled," For your sake, I hope it's not a marriage proposal. Did you offer It with wealth? World domination?"
"Fortunately, It cannot be swayed by such trifle things. However, all It asked of me was that I allow myself to be taught how to use these." Carl grinned and showed his companion what appeared to be a digital camera and a tripod.
Van Helsing chuckled. "Oooh! Are we getting hard copies?"
"Yes. A veritable cornucopia of hard copies!" Carl declared slyly.
"But what about the Beholder?"
The friar rubbed his lower lip thoughtfully. "Well, I was told not to worry and that everything will be taken care of."
Van Helsing growled, a predatory smile playing upon his face. "Shall we get down to business, then?"
Thunder rumbled and it vaguely sounded like apologetic coughing. It was followed by the ominous clattering of caffeine driven typing and pounding upon the keyboard.
There was the convenient whoosh of a mighty whirlwind (for a simple blink wasn't as dramatic)and Cardinal Jinette, chicken in his arm, found himself looking up at the Beholder. He raised an indignant fist and brought it down as he stomped at the ground.
"I refuse, absolutely, vehemently refuse to submit to this… this… this OUTRAGE!" the Cardinal sputtered.
The Beholder sulked and hissed. "Cease that childish complaining this instant! I am the one who has to look under your robes later on!"
(I got a sub poena for violating the Labor Code for Beholders.)
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With regards to the previous outtake involving "purple girly thongs with rhinestone studs", a question was posed, asking for the origins of that unholy piece of underpinnings. It came from a mini-skit that I wrote and sent to Sariyuki when we were discussing the "First Slice- Charades" in our e-mails. For the sake of Enlightenment (or plunging further into Darkness), I present unto you a slashy Van Helsing mini-skit (dug up from obscurity and a crypt of massacred neurons):
(Deep within The Order's laboratory.)
Carl: Would you care to defy a few more of nature's physical laws by showing me how "one is killed by sight alone"?
Van Helsing: (whips out his spinning tojo blades) Watch very closely!
(Van Helsing stands behind Carl takes a swipe at the Droolicious Friar. Nothing happens for a second, then Carl's robes AND undergarments GLORIOUSLY… and we mean GLORIOUSLY fall to the floor.)
(insert Angelic Chorus soundtrack and Holy Light Beaming from a window)
Carl: (snorts) My word! No need to remind me how sharp those things are! But that hardly constitutes "killing by sight alone"! (looks around) Eh, Van Helsing? Van Helsing?
(Carl takes a few steps nearly trips over Van Helsing, who has effectively died of Massive Nasal Hemorrhage Courtesy of a Nearly Naked Friar.)
Carl: (pokes Van Helsing with a stick) Oh my! Death by Nosebleed! Now I know why The Order forbids wearing a purple silk thong under our friar robes!
Van Helsing: (hearts) Gaaaaahhhhhh…
-End of Insanity-
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Well, that really didn't answer anything. Sorry!
Are those torches and pitchforks? Eep! (runs and jumps back into the Shadows)