Chapter Nine

"We are never further from what we wish than when we believe that we have what we wished for."

--Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (1749-1832), German Poet, Dramatist, Novelist

What the hell is going on? Youko thought as she walked out of the school's front gate and down the street in the direction that she knew lead home. The sun was setting and cast long shadows sideways against everything. Her footfalls were slow and steady and the sound of the rubber soles of her shoes against the pavement was something she had not heard in a long time.

Nothing had changed here. It was as if she had never left, and her kamikakushi journey had never begun. But her memory of Kei remained, and though this was a place she had once called home, she felt like a stranger among the familiar surroundings. She turned the corner and saw the shop where she had always frequented for a cream soda. Youko reached into her pocket where she knew there were be a few coins to purchase a drink and a snack before turning a second corner down her street. Sure enough, the money was there.

Wordlessly, she put a few coins down on the counter, and the owner went through the usual motions of taking the change, counting it carefully, and handing her favorite cold fizzy drink in a slender blue-green glass bottle.

"Hai, irasshai!" he said in his familiar Osaka-ben and grinned. Youko bowed politely and popped open the lid. She took several gulps of what she thought was the best tasting vanilla cream soda in all the world. How she had missed it!

"If this is only a dream, then let me savor this flavor and remember it forever," she sighed.

"Mou ippon, onegaishimas," she said, asking for another. She slipped this one into her book bag. For later, maybe, she thought to herself. Youko continued to walk down her street, past the public park where children were dwindling and lagging behind as their mothers called them away. This familiar sight at sunset brought some nostalgia to her. Her footfalls quickened towards home.

As she approached her front gate of her two story home, she took a deep breath. Some of the lights were on. Her father's car had not yet returned from work, but she thought she saw the shadow of her housewife mother pass one of the windows. This was the place she had returned to at the end of each day for the first sixteen years of her life. She pushed the iron gate open. Just then, the porch light came on, as it did every evening at that hour. Youko was a bit startled as the door opened and her mother peered outside.

"Youko dear, you're home," smiled her mom. "I was wondering where you had gone," her mother said absently as she tossed a bag of garbage out towards the driveway for her father to put into the bin when he came back. Youko rushed over and hugged her birth mother. The comforting sensation that washed over her was something she was loathe to forget. Her mother still carried the familiar scent of Youko's childhood.

"Youko, what's gotten into you?" she asked, rather astonished at her daughter's sudden clinging. Her mom looked at her daughter's hair and clucked her tongue.

"Didn't I tell you to dye it the other day?" she frowned. "Now the neighbors are going to start talking again. If you don't behave, your father's going to give you a hard time about this." Youko pulled her single braid towards her face and examined it. The color of her hair was darker now and not the flaming red it had been in Kei, though it still had a slightly auburn tinge.

"Sorry mom," said Youko automatically. "I forgot." Her mother let her inside and closed the door, keeping the night chill out. Youko had come back home.

The first thing she did after she put away her book bag was take a bath. The single bath upstairs was just big enough for one, and she filled it nearly to the rim and sank down completely into the hot water, until completely submerged. Though she was clean before, she had the distinct urge to bathe thoroughly, as if the layers of sweat and youman blood were still somehow lingering about her. When Youko surfaced, she exhaled forcefully, as if releasing everything that had to do with Kei. She thought the water had a slight tinge of pink in it, but when she blinked, it was clear again.

"Am I dreaming?" she asked herself quietly. Her voice gently bounced off the ceramic tiled walls and floor. Part of her was expecting to wake up any moment and find herself lying somewhere in the grassy field below this morning's battle. Another part of her wondered if this was some sort of second chance. What had happened to Yin and the others? Had she really returned home? Was her body still somewhere beyond Ten-Mon or lying dead on a field somewhere below? These thoughts kept pestering her relentlessly as she sat in silence.

When she got out of the bath finally, since she was getting kind of wrinkly, she thought she heard her dad's voice. Her mother called her downstairs for dinner. When Youko opened the bathroom door, a flood of steam rushed out into the hall, for a minute, she thought the shape resembled Jouyuu. But it wasn't. She was alone here.

Youko paused to inhale the faint scent of steamed rice, minced pork sauteed in soy sauce and onions and vegetable curry. She hurried and changed into a simple brown wool skirt that buttoned up on the side, and a pale yellow sweater over a clean white blouse. Slipping on knee high socks, she wriggled her feet into her soft and fuzzy bunny slippers and rushed downstairs. Stomach grumbling, she felt as though she could eat her entire dinner portion in one gulp.

"Youko," said her father as she entered the dining room. "I got a call from your teacher today asking if you had any nighttime activities that made you fall asleep in class. What an odd call. Did you fall asleep in class?" he asked sternly.

"Yes, father," she replied simply as she sat down at her place at the table.

"Don't you get enough sleep at home?" he asked. "There were negative intonations in Mr. Yamada's voice."

"I don't know what came over me," she responded. After a long pause, she added, "But if Mr. Yamada is questioning my character, then you know that I've been nothing if not a good and obedient daughter. I usually go to bed at the same time as you, every night, you know that. You believe in me, don't you Father?" She looked her father straight in the eye. It was something that she had never done before. She had never stood up for herself with her father.

"Youko, what's come over you?" asked her mother, setting the tray of rice bowls down, rather astonished at her daughter's outburst. He just looked at her with a puzzled look on his brow. She looked at him so earnestly that he was compelled to respond.

"Y-yes, Youko. I do know that you try to be a good girl," he said hesitantly. Youko knew that he had absolutely no faith in her.

"Maintaining appearances doesn't always work, Father," she insisted, not wanting to let it go. "People tend to talk about you behind your back regardless."

Her father didn't know what to make of that comment, and merely said, "Eat the dinner that your mom prepared."

Youko picked up her black chopsticks and stared at the design at her fingertips. A gold dragon on a purple backdrop stared back at her . It looked very much like her royal banner—so much so that she almost dropped them back onto the table.

"You like them?" asked her mother. "I bought them at the market today. Isn't the dragon pattern pretty?" Youko nodded and tried not to stare at them too intently as to be obvious, so she resorted to shovel rice and curry into her mouth. The family settled down and started eating in silence.

"Dad, mom," she said after a while. "I just want you to know that no matter what happens, no matter what people say about me…" she hesitated. Her parents were both looking at her as if she was going crazy. Their daughter had never been such a chatterbox at the table.

"You have to believe that I would never purposefully do anything to harm either of you. I respect the both of you and appreciate that you've raised me this far."

"Youko, are you feeling alright?" asked her mother, mouth agape.

"Are you involved with the yakuza or something?" asked her father suspiciously.

"No, nothing like that," she responded faithfully. "I just wanted to voice my gratitude, that's all. Even though you've raised me rather strictly."

"It's for your own good," grumbled her father. "You'll appreciate it when you're older. A girl's reputation is not something to be taken lightly."

"Don't you think her actions should speak for themselves, Father?" she asked. "People will talk of her, suspect her, and gossip about her, but her actions are what should determine her character. Reputation is meaningless if what people say isn't true," she affirmed.

"She will drag her family down in her disgrace if she does not behave properly and normally," he answered sternly, putting his chopsticks down.

"What's 'proper,' Father? What's 'normal?' Whose standards should she live by? Others? Her own? What if those are only unproven rumors not facts that people use against her? What if she's never done anything to provoke or lend one shred of credibility to other people's beliefes about her? Won't her family stand by her side?" she asked, again, looking her father in the eye. It was he who looked away. Or do I stand alone, here…? she asked herself.

"I have no idea what you're getting at, but this conversation is getting tiresome," he responded.

"You've never believed in me. You've always held me back. You've always wanted a boy, didn't you?" smiled Youko ruefully. He looked up at her without an answer.

"It's okay," she said, folding her hands in front of her and looking down into her lap. "I care about you both no matter what. Because that's what 'family' is." Youko looked at both of her parents and forced a smile to her lips. "Thanks for dinner," she said as she collected her dishes and put them in the sink, and then turned to go quietly back to her room.

Sitting on her bed with her back against the wall, where familiar books, stuffed animals and posters surrounded her, Youko stared blankly at her desk. Time was moving painfully slow here. She hugged her pillow closer. Her radio played some new pop tune she didn't recognize. Outside she could hear it starting to rain. The taps of the droplets on the sidewalk outside and against the rooftop above lulled her into deeper thoughts.

She ignored the pile of homework waiting for her. There was also a cream soda buried somewhere in her bag that she had forgotten to put in the refrigerator. Her green desk lamp glowed eerily in her room, not contributing to any warm, comfortable atmosphere. This is what she wanted, wasn't it? To have a second chance to change her relationships back home?

It was in that quiet reflection that she realized that even though she had changed her character for the better, other people in this world had not changed. Her relationships here would not change as other people would not change their opinions of her. Not her doubting parents, and not her snickering classmates. Her newfound personality was foreign to them and would only drive them further away. She had always been alone here, after all.

"And now a song by request," said the disk jockey over the radio. "to all those lonely hearts out there, this one is for you." The introduction of the solo guitar played gently into her quiet room.

Mizu tamari no naka o kumo ga oyoide yuku (Clouds swim within the puddles)
oroshita bakari no RAIN COAT (A brand-new rain coat.)
Harajyuku wa nichi yo akai BENCH no ue (On a red bench in Harajyuku on Sunday)
shizukani hohoemu koibito tachi (lovers smile calmly)

Youko's thoughts melted into the melody, towards a soft summer afternoon after the rain in the inner palace. She had just finished another very grueling lesson with the Taishi and headed outside the main door to stretch and relax after sitting and concentrating for so long. Thankfully, there would be no pop quizzes or tests on the subject of inter-kingdom relations because she wasn't paying attention for that part of the lecture. She was dressed in royal attire that resembled something of a yukata, as it was made of thin fabric, but it was still many layered and rather cumbersome. By her request, it was much plainer than most of her other royal attire and her handmaidens dutifully obeyed their Queen's request to "not be an eyesore today."

It was there at the entryway that she inadvertently collided with her kirin, who was walking across the hall, having completed his provincial duties. She was so taken aback that she lost her footing, and managed to wedge a heel of her slipper into the train of her robes, and started to fall backward. Keiki moved surprisingly quickly, and caught her hand just in time, pulling her right again. He had admonished her for not looking where she was going, and she recalled she just laughed at her own lack of grace.

anemone no hanaga yurete hitoshizuku mizu otosu (An anemone flower shakes and a drop of water falls)
hozueo tsuitamama watashi wa hitori miteru (and I am watching it, while resting my cheeks in my hands)
watashi no naka no chikyuu toki o oshimu yoni yukuri yukuri mawatte yuku (My world is turning so slowly that I regret time)

The lonely lyrics turned her mind towards the friends she had left behind. They all helped her and believed in her the same way she would for them. Though their friendship had not been kindled long, she felt as though she had always known them. What would they think about her absence?

Youko's thoughts then drifted to one late spring night that she, Rokuta, Shoukei, Rakushun, and Shoryuu were up playing a card game at Gen-ei Palace under a canopy of stars in one of the palace's many garden pagodas. The loser of each round had to drink a shot of rice wine. Only an hour into it, Suzu had passed out on the lounge chair nearby, having lost five rounds in a row. Rokuta was barely keeping his eyes open, having lost four rounds intermittently. Shoukei and Shoryuu were still going strong despite their losses, though both their faces were bright red with intoxication. Youko remembered that her head felt extremely tipsy at the time but she was refusing to admit defeat, especially to the mouse. Rakushun had not lost once. Amid the laughter and the giggling and the feigned shouts of foul play directed towards a certain fuzzy mouse, Keiki had stirred from his bed, as his guest chamber was nearest to the garden.

Shoryuu and Rokuta only laughed harder when Keiki started to scorn the Royal Kei for such undignified behavior. Her head had been too muddled to make any witty comebacks and she remembered being led away by her kirin, or rather, her kirin supported her as she stumbled in the dim light back to her royal guest apartments.

dareka to itaikedo daretomo itakunai (I want to be with somebody, but I don't want to be with anyone)
ne naze kokkoro wa kimagurenano (Why is the heart capricious like this?)

The rain outside started to come down harder, and she heard her parents in their bedroom, turning in for the night. Tomorrow would be another day. Another day of the same thing. Another day of the same unmendable relationships. Another simple day for an unextraordinary girl. She took her red scarf and yellow raincoat out of her closet.

ame no hi no hanano yoni na moshiranu hana no yoni (Like a flower on a rainy day, like a flower who's name I don't even know)
hageshiku soshite yowaku saiteitaito omou (strongly and softly, I want to bloom)

She pocketed her cream soda and quietly stole downstairs. By the door leaning against the wall was her mother's pinstriped umbrella. Youko desperately wanted some fresh air. The oppression of her old life was becoming too much to bear. A few moments later, the front door was locked shut again and a pair of rain boots had been removed from the shoe rack, while the rest of the household was fast asleep. Kei-Ou sama has safely escaped without incident, she wryly thought to herself.

Once before she had made a similar escape from Kimpa Palace on a rainy night shortly before the Autumn Harvest Festival. Without a sound, she snuck out right under the guard's notice. There was a food stand in Gyouten, Ei Province, right below the towering mountain where the palace sat, that sold hot noodles that looked very much like those made in Hourai. It had made her nostalgic for the soba noodles her mother used to make. Traveling in her carriage a few days prior, she noticed that noodle shop but did not have the opportunity to taste anything. Her ministers riding with her would have advised sternly against eating such "common food," but in the end, the Royal Kei ended up sitting in the rain under the covered food stall with strangers, slurping noodles like an old pro. She felt very lucky that the stall owner was open late. The Queen eventually stole back into the palace the same way she had left.

mizu tamari no naka o kumo ga oyoide yuku (Clouds swim within the puddles,)
yukuri yukuri kiete yuku (slowly, slowly, disappearing.)

Youko wandered aimlessly underneath the yellow lamp lights at first. The sound of her slushy footfalls in the puddles was something of a comfort to her. It had suddenly felt unnatural staying at her parents' house, but out here in the open, in the wet darkness, she felt a bit more at ease. She was different from the person she used to be two years ago when she left Hourai. That Youko could not be found now, for she had died in the forests of Kou. This Youko, walking between the rain under a purple sky, was the evolved version of herself. She suddenly realized that she never felt more alone here than she did now.

watashi no naka no chikyuu toki o
shimu yoni yukuri yukuri kawate yuku (My world is changing so slowly that I regret this time.)

"I guess all I really wanted to do here was say goodbye," she said sullenly to herself. "This 'normal' life was never mine to keep."

Youko found herself standing in front of the public park on her street again. The area was deserted now and the only sound was that of raindrops pelting the metal surface of the play equipment. The chains of the swings creaked slightly as the wind blew through them. She squinted her eyes to adjust to the dim lamplight.

She was not alone here.

A few yards away, standing in the rain in a dark trench coat was a tall, lonely figure of slender build staring at the lamplight. A pair of wayward moths were flapping helplessly around the lamp, attracted to the light and hopelessly looking for shelter from the rain. The figure's long, flaxen hair was weighed down and its color dulled by the rainwater, but there was no mistake. It was him.

Keiki turned around and looked at her in surprise. She was equally taken aback to see him standing there.

"Shu-jou!" he exclaimed, his face brightened a bit despite the worried look on his brow. He rushed over to her.

"Keiki?" she said, still in shock. His sudden presence confirmed it all. Those two years spent on the 'other side' had not been a dream, after all. Those memories she had played in her head alone in room were hers, in spite of everything. Deep inside, she knew her experiences in Kou and Kei had forged her character into who she was now. By all accounts, she was grateful. In that moment when she saw her kirin again, she let go of her regrets.

Life is part happiness, part sorrow, said Suzu's voice in her head.

He was immediately at her side.

"Shu-jou!" he exclaimed again. His violet eyes told her that he was happy to see her. She silently raised the umbrella over his head to keep him from getting wetter, and wondered at the futility of the gesture since he was already drenched as it was. "All roads really do lead back to you," was all she could say to her pitiful looking kirin.

"I've been looking everywhere for you. But I don't remember my way around this place," he said, almost apologetically. "My powers seem to be muted here, and none of my shirei could follow me." He seemed rather frustrated at his sudden lack of ability.

"How did you get here?" she asked incredulously. "And why are you all wet?"

"I followed you into the Gate," he responded. "And I didn't bring an umbrella." Youko laughed a little at his ever frank and honest answers. She looked at him and recalled that she had seen his eyes right before she lost consciousness.

"So that was you after all," she stated, rather amazed. He was, after all, the fastest creature in creation. "I thought I had gone through The Gate alone. Why--?" she asked.

"Because I heard you call me," he said. There was such a sincere look in his face that she couldn't help but smile.

"Where the hell are we?" she asked bluntly.

"We seem to be back in Wa. Your prior home."

Her thoughts were interrupted by another presence at the park. The malevolence emanating from the dark corner of the park, where one light was broken, made her hair stand on end. Keiki tensed and moved to stand in front of Youko protectively. Youko could see who it was. The umbrella dropped to the floor and rolled to one side.

She barely recognized Yin dressed in common Hourai clothing. The out of place goddess wore a long denim skirt buttoned up front, and a long loosely fitting sweater that was splattered with a dark substance at the side. Youko presumed it to be blood.

"I doubt that the woman you stole those clothes from is still alive," grumbled Youko. Yin ignored her and walked a few steps closer into the light. Youko could tell by her adversary's angry and confused look that she was every bit as surprised to find herself in Japan as Youko was.

"Your disregard for life really ceases to astonish," said Youko simply.

"Spare me the lecture," said Yin, slinging her broken spear over one shoulder. The expatriate goddess looked around her surroundings, as if disgusted with what she saw.

"When I raised my spear against Tentei, I cursed the Will of Tentei with all my might for creating a world with strict rules where goddesses aren't free to live as they please. Celibacy and fasting and praying and 'helping others.' To hell with that. I wanted more," she said, getting more livid by the moment. "I wanted to be Tentei. I wanted to create a world of individual freedom where I could do anything."

"So he sent you to my old world," mused Youko.

"A world of noxious fumes and moving horseless vehicles and tall buildings of stone and glowing pictures that move. This world is insane," she muttered.

"There I was, regretting that I had never said goodbye to my friends and my parents, only to find that I truly had no friends here and my parents didn't need me. The Will of Tentei is truly ironic," said Youko with a bitter laugh.

"Irony doesn't describe it. It's just plain cruel!" shouted Yin. She raised her spear head and pointed it at Youko. "I think it was you that brought me here. Somehow you transported us here so that you could fulfill your selfish wishes," she said, with death in her eyes. "So it begs the question: If I kill you, will I be sent back? Regardless, I think I shall take pleasure in the deed."

"Now you're not making any sense at all. Don't you understand? THIS is what you wanted. This is a world of individual freedom, where you are whatever you make of yourself, and your life is whatever you make of it. Nothing is pre-planned. You have freedom to live and love as you please. You had desires on the other side that could not be fulfilled there. So Tentei brought you here." Youko stepped back and reached for her sword, only to remember that she didn't have it. She wasn't armed at all. Then, Keiki turned around and presented Suiguu to her, taken from the folds of his trench coat.

"Where did you--?" she started.

"I had it when I woke up here," he responded.

She smiled wryly, firmly taking the sword into her hand and looking him straight in the eye. "Please stand back." He bowed and got out of the way.

Youko drew Suiguu's blade and a small grin touched the corner of her mouth when she heard the familiar 'ting' of the blade resonate within her. She may not have her Hinman, but she did have her trusty sword. It would have to do.

"I take it you don't want to assimilate, then?" she asked, partly in taunt.

"I don't even understand the language here!" Yin shouted, charging first. Youko blocked and parried with a little trouble, but managed to do so quickly and retreat backwards. She had never had to fight without Jouyuu's help, and being in a real fight without him was a bit more difficult. She gave Yin a heave, and the goddess stumbled back.

"I guess you've been stripped of your rank and your seinin abilities, then. Part of Tentei's punishment, I suppose?" asked Youko. If she could rile her opponent enough, Youko was certain that Yin would make a mistake. She was already so visibly disturbed.

"Why is it that you retain your ability to understand me, you upstart little brat? It isn't fair!" retorted Yin, nearly snarling, lunging forward again to strike at Youko's heart. This too was parried and Youko spun around and sliced in comeback. Yin blocked, also having some difficulty maneuvering herself, and jumped back again out of reach from the arc of Youko's swing.

"It seems pretty fair to me," responded Youko simply. "I mean, you can go through the same experiences I went through when I arrived in Kou, and live your life, however long it is with your status revoked, at the bottom. No one here will care about you. But, maybe the owner of the market on the corner will let you sell his soda."

Youko was the first to charge this time, as quickly as she could with sword held steady with both hands at chest height, ready to run her through. Yin managed to block the attack once more, but Youko leaned into her opponent's blade swing, and rammed into Yin with a shoulder.

Yin was surprised at the double attack, and as she braced for impact, she accidentally stepped into the sand pit with one foot and lost her balance, falling backwards into the wet sand. Youko knocked the weapon out of her hand and the broken spear went flying. It landed with a loud clatter on the sidewalk on the other side of the jungle gym. Suiguu's blade moved straight for Yin's neck but stopped before drawing blood.

"So, kill me then," Yin panted, looking away. "I cannot continue to live like this."

"Nothing would give me greater pleasure. I can pay you back ten-fold for the trouble you have caused me," said Youko bleakly, sorely tempted to chop off the goddess' head right then and there. As she debated this, Suiguu's blade cut a thin red line against Yin's alabaster neck. Keiki walked over to her and put a hand on his Queen's shoulder.

"Shu-jou," he said softly, "She is defeated. Tentei has brought her to justice. To seek vengeance now would soil your hands unnecessarily."

"The ever compassionate kirin," sneered Yin. "Tentei's favorite creature, above even the gods. How ironic that he made you a half beast. Even in spite of that, how even more ironic that two queens have now fallen in love with you."

Youko felt Keiki's hand remove itself from her shoulder, but her kirin said nothing. The Queen ground her teeth together, but could not say anything in her own defense.

"Too ashamed to respond, little Queen?" laughed Yin. "It would be best if you killed yourself after you kill me and put us both out of our misery."

Youko looked Yin straight in the eye. "I have no desire to be so merciful to you," Youko responded calmly, ready to sheathe her sword.

"Then you are a fool, and I will at least die in the manner of my choosing!" spat Yin, rushing towards the sword with hands outstretched. Before Youko could pull back the blade, Yin drove her neck into it, dragged her skin across and severing an artery. A spray of blood spouted forth, dousing both Youko and her kirin before they could dodge it. Yin crumpled to the floor. The Queen watched in silence as the goddess shuddered and gasped her last. Yin's bloodied hands clutched the sand in angry fists, her tortured expression bitter to the very end, before her body finally lay still. The scene stirred no reserve of pity in Youko's heart who watched unflinching as the rain washed the blood off her yellow raincoat. With a graceful arc, Youko flung the blood off the blade and sheathed it.

"So it ends," she said unfeelingly towards her fallen opponent. She turned to Keiki.

"Keiki, are you all right?" Youko asked, arms outstretched to catch him if he fell. Her kirin always withered seeing a drop of blood, let alone a shower of it.

"Shu-jou," he responded weakly, sinking to his knees. Keiki's vision started to blur and Youko knew he was about to blackout any moment. Without the strength from Jouyuu, there was no way for her to carry him back to the house. Youko reached over for her umbrella and held it over his head, which she positioned carefully in her lap. She gently brushed his hair aside and twisted it to the front to keep it from getting dirty on the rain sodden ground.

They stayed like that for a long while, Queen and kirin, amid the shower of the sky's tears, in the soft pale glow of the lamplight.

Author's Notes:

Kamikakushi: is a term that means to be "spirited away"

Osaka-ben is an accent from those raised in Osaka. If you've ever heard it, it's very wierd (In a cute way!) Kero nervously awaits hate mail from Osaka natives…

Hai, irrasshai: means 'welcome.'

You know what yakuza is, right? C'mon, you don't watch enough anime if you don't know this one.

Yo, check out my new painting of Youko (from Chapter 1) on my website.

Lyrics are from the song, Ame no Hi no Hana Youni (Like the Flower in the Rain), written and sung by Naomi Tamura, translated by "Mizura", Magic Knight Rayearth Image Album. Yeah, this chapter turned into a songfic. So sue me. I like songfics. –Kero (1/19/07).