Shuddup Hill 4: The Retard Version
Chapter 5: Spiders and Spies
Henri jerked awake from his dreamland. "Meh, that was HOT!" Henri thought aloud. He paused. "Dammit, that sounded so gay... I mean, not that Jester's hot, as in sexy and all, but he really IS hot... no wait, what the hell am I blabbering about? I don't mean that he is hot HOT or something... I mean... he is hot alright but he is not that hot hot... No... I mean... ARGGGHHH! WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT? I-I... I... WAHHHHHHHHHHH!"
And so, that wimp cried for a good long hour before he realized that he needed a quick change of a fresh clean set of pants. He immediately put on another new pair of pants before he made he way out of his bedroom.
However, as soon as he had stepped into the living room, the radio suddenly turned on by itself and the voice of a female broadcaster came over the speaker.
"... And now, a very sizzling bulletin news... wahahahaha... sizzling news... wahahahahaha... oh boy, it indeed is a sizzling news alright... in fact, its piping burning hot... wahahahaha... uh... um, sorry... my bad..."
A moment of embarrassing long silence.
"Um... huh? What? (Mumbles in the background) Ooooh... right, on with the news... in the forest near Shuddup Hill, the body of a barbequed 30-year-old virgin was... um wait... there's some smudge on the paper... (paper rubbing sounds)... oh, it's a barbequed 30-year-old body that was found earlier today. A spokesman from the police department said that because the genitals of the charred body was so badly burnt and viciously stepped on, and it made their investigation even harder for them to identify on the gender of the corpse..."
Henri grinned guiltily. "Oops... guess I must have stepped on Jester's burning penis a little too hard..."
The broadcast continued.
"...based on the dental records and DNA tests, the police have confirmed the identity of the roasted corpse to belong to a Mister Jester Gain. The numbers 17121 were found written on Jester's chest. The police are still investigating on this and had not ruled out on the possibility that the victim was being attacked and mauled by Bigfoot, also known by the townsfolk, as the 'Testicle Predator'. There were also many speculations that the case had possible relationship linking to that of Wolter Salivaman's case many, many, many, many, many, many, and I mean many years back... because Wolter had once bitten off some guy's testicles because he was hungry..."
Henri gasped and shivered. "Wolter? Bigfoot? Eeeew... now that's sick!""
"Well folks, that ends our sizzling-hot bulletin news for the hour and... (snickers and snorts) Sizzling-hot news... get it? Wahahahaha... um (ahem) ... uh, sorry about that... anyways, here's the latest Billboard Hit song "Don't C-H-A-R" by the Poo-pooKat Dollz... wahahahahahaha... "Don't Cha-R"... get it? Wahahahaha... meh, I'm funny..."
The female broadcaster laughed hysterically at her own sick joke.
The radio abruptly stopped its broadcast.
"What the hell?" Henri sweatdrop. "Psycho bitch..."
He then walked over to the storage box next to the television and put the Stove Placard inside.
Suddenly, doorbell rang.
"What now?" He thought. Henri quickly walked over to the door and look at the peephole. Standing at the doorway was the Super. "HEY! CRANK! GET ME OUTTA HERE... YOU HEAR ME? CRANK!" Henri screamed, as he banged on the door.
"Hello? Henri? You in there?" The Super called out, as he stared at the surrounding suspiciously. "Henri?"
"LET ME OUT, CRANK... PLEASE... I'LL BE A GOOD BOY... I PROMISE!" Henri continued to scream from his apartment.
The Super began to bang on the door, as he furiously fidgeted at the knob. "Henri? Open the door!"
"DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I'VE JUST SAID? I CAN'T FUCKING OPEN THE DOOR, YOU SMELLY BABOON!" Henri shouted at the top of his voice.
Crank suddenly stopped what he was doing and he began to sniff around the door of Room 302. "Eh? What's that smell?"
"What smell?" Henri asked. "WHAT?"
The Super quickly dug out a bunch of noisy keys from inside his trousers pockets and inserted a key into the keyhole to unlock the door of Room 302. "Dammit... why won't it open? Why? WHYYY?" He cried. Crank then took the key out of the keyhole to examine. "Oh, it's the wrong one... now where's the correct key?" He fumbled around with the big set of 2,169 keys in his hand. "Darn... where's the correct key when you need it... ooh, here it is!"
Crank then singled out the only weird-looking key with a tag on it that says, "The Correct Key", and inserted it into the keyhole. Unfortunately, the door remained locked. "Fuck! Why won't it open?"
The Super continued to smell around the door. "Oh my god! That smell... Its getting stronger..."
"What the hell?" Henri thought. "WHAT SMELL?"
"That smell!" The Super shouted. "ITS THAT SMELL!"
"WHAT?" Henri screamed from inside. "TELL ME... TELL ME... MEH, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU OLD PEOPLE?"
"ITS THAT SAME SMELL!" The Super screamed.
"WHAT SAME SMELL?" Henri was now getting hysterical.
"T-that familiar smell..." The Super repeated. "Yes, its that smell alright... it's the same as back then..."
"SHIT! BACK THEN? WHAT 'BACK THEN'? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT SMELL? IS IT DANGEROUS? HUH? OR IS IT SCARY? TERRIFYING? HORRIBLE? SEXY?" Henri flustered. "WHHAAATTTT?"
"Its the smell of… food!" The Super finally said.
Henri sweatdrop.
"HENRI! ARE YOU EATING IN THE APARTMENT AGAIN?" The Super shouted.
"?" Henri was totally bewildered.
"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT IN YO... (sniff) Wait, it smells like... like... GAH! IS THAT MY FAVORITE PEPPERONI AND RAW FISH GUT PIZZA, WITH MAPLE SYRUP AND CHEESE... A-AND EXTRA PRESERVED DRIED MAGGOTS TOPPINGS?"
Henri sweatdrop. He could not believe that such disgusting food even exist in the first place, let alone it's the Super's favorite. "Yukes."
"HENRI, COME OUT NOW AND SURRENDER THE PIZZA TO ME THIS INSTANCE..." The Super ordered. The Super stood by the doorstep, stamping at his foot impatiently, and waited.
(Five minutes later…)
The Super was still waiting outside the door.
(Forty-two minutes later…)
Henri was still looking through the peephole. He scratched his ass at the forty-third minute.
(One hour and thirty-six minutes later…)
"Okay… you win, Henri! But I'll be back..." The Super finally said. "... right after I go order my own pepperoni and raw fish gut pizza, with maple syrup and cheese, and extra preserved dried maggots toppings, you hear me?" Crank shoved his angry fist in the air, before he briskly walked away.
"What the hell?"
(Moments later…)
"C-can't breathe... can't... b-breathe..." Henri gurgled, as he tried to speak through a mouthful of water.
Henri suddenly woke up, out of breath, as he found himself lying face down in a pool of dirty water. A few lumps of solid excretion could be seen floating in the shallow water around him. "ACK!" He shouted, as he quickly pushed himself up. "Where the hell am I?" He looked around.
"HELP! HELP ME... HE'S GONNA KILL ME..." An irritating voice echoed from out of nowhere.
"AHHHHHHHH!" Henri screamed, and searched around in fright. "Holy motherfucker! What the hell was that?"
"I SAY, HELP ME... HELP! HEELLLPPPP!" The mysterious persisted.
"Okay! Okay! Dammit... where the fuck are you?" Henri asked.
"Behind you, dumbass..." The voice said.
Henri immediately turned around. "Where?" He asked, as he looked around the poorly-lit circular pathway. "There's no fucking-body around here... is this some kind of sick joke? Meh! This is SO not funny!"
"I am-"
"No wait... are you my inner voice?" Henri interrupted. "You know, like that little annoying voice in the mind that always tells you what to do, and what not to do?"
"No, dammit! I am inside the caged cell, dammit!"
"Uh, what's a 'caged cell'?" Henri quizzed, with an idiotic look on his face.
"You are so dense..." The voice echoed. "Look at the metal door right next to you, stupid!"
Henri quickly glanced over at the small opening on a rusty door next to him to see a fat man inside. "Oh... so there you are!"
They stared at each other.
Silence.
"Well?" Henri finally asked.
"Well what?" The fat man asked.
"Aren't you supposed to be screaming for help or something?" Henri continued.
"Oh yeah..." The fat man agreed. And so, he continued to scream and whined like a slaughtering pig. "HELP... HELP ME... HE'S GONNA KILL ME... HE'S GONNA KEEEEEEELLLL ME! HEELLLPPPPPP!"
Henri sweatdrop.
"Shut up, lardass!" Henri spat at him.
The fat man immediately quieted down.
Then he farted.
"I SAY, SHUT UP!" Henri shouted, as he banged the butt of his handgun on the metal door.
"Sorry, my bad... I always fart when I get excited..." The fat man said.
Henri quickly covered his nose and ran to the other side of the wall for a breather.
"Now, how the hell did you even managed to get yourself locked up inside there? And who's this person you say was going to kill you?" Henri asked.
"Get me out of here... He's gonna kill me... HE'S GOING TO KEEEELLLL ME!" The frightened tub-of-lard continued to whine.
Henri rolled his eyes over. "Yes... yes... I think we've already gone through that part already... but WHO is it?"
"I-its... its that... its that s-spider on that wall..." He weeped. "Its creepy."
Henri sweatdrop.
"Dammit... spiders don't kill." Henri said. " Moron!"
"Huh? They d-don't? Really? Are you sure?" He gave Henri a doubtful look. "It looks kinda lethal to me…"
Henri wanted to strangle that piece of lardface in front of him. Oh yes, he wanted it so badly. "How can anyone be so stupid?" He wanted to kill that birdbrain and throw his body into the crocodile's pit. Henri stared at the metal door separating them as he considered at the many possibilities. The metal fixture was probably the only obstacle preventing him from going over to strangle that fat and slimy cupcake.
Henri forced a smile. "Yes, I'm sure. Spiders do not kill..." He said through gritted teeth. "Oh, and by the way, my name's Henri."
"Nobody even asked for your name... so why are you telling me that for?" The fat man said in a sarcastic tone.
"WHY YOU-?" Henri shoved his handgun directly at the fat man's face.
"GAH!" The fat man screamed and raised his arms in the air. "Alright... alright… M-my name is Androol DeSickman... and I tortur... uh, I mean, I look after the children here at the Water Jail."
"So, you look after the Water Jail for the children, eh?" Henri asked.
"No, I said I look after the children here at the Water Jail..." Androol corrected.
"I see, you look after the children Jail at the water... no wait, that doesn't sound right..." Henri said. "Or was it you look after the Water children at the Jail? No, that doesn't sound correct either..."
"No... that's not what I said..." Androol said in exasperation.
"Okay smartass… what the fuck did you say then? Huh?" Henri retorted.
"I-I... I..." Androol stopped. He saw the handgun in Henri's hand and shivered. Androol sighed and shook at his head. "Oh, nothing... anyway, welcome to the Water Jail."
"Oh, so this is the Water Jail... I bet you must be the person looking after the children here..." Henri told him. "Why didn't you say so earlier?"
Androol sweatdrop.
"Look, are you going to get me out of here or not?" Androol asked, somehow getting a little impatient.
"Well, alright..." Henri said.
"HURRY UP, THEN!" Androol pestered
"I said alright already...stop rushing me, you smelly meatball!" Henri shouted. "You just wait right here while I go check this place out and see what I can do to free you..."
With that, Henri was soon gone.
"Okkaaayyyy! And come back reeeeeel soon!" Androol faked a cheerful reply. "Like I'm gonna be able to go anywhere... you sarcastic bastard!"
Then, from the corner of his eyes, Androol stared at the spider on the wall. A look of horror plastered his face. "Did that spider just moved?" He thought.
Androol began to hyperventilate.
Henri hopped around the wet circular pathway like a little girl, when suddenly, he saw a piece of paper floating in the shallow water together with some disgusting solid excretion lumps. He quickly picked it up to read.
"Hooray! One has finally managed to break out from that tiny 100cm x 150 cm prison cell and one have decided to tour around this magnificent prison joint.
One was told that the most frightening place to visit would be the first floor basement... In this place, it was said that there was a cooking chamber, also known as the kitchen, in the north-south. Sounds scary, huh? Well, don't be, because its just a place where all one's meal was cooked... tee-hee... Anyways, the frightening place one was blabbering about lies next door in the west-east direction, called the Die Room. One wondered why the prison guardians even call it the 'Die Room'? Maybe it's a place where the prison guardians store all the dices? One don't know... One have never got the chance to sneak inside because one would have to: enter the correct pin code, scan the retina, and last but not least, to process the fingerprint for identification before one could get the fuck inside. Moreover, it seemed like the prison guards have not been paying the electricity bills for some of the floors, so its too fucking dark to see the panel, let alone trying to break inside the room.
What the hell? Is one speaking in third person again? Oh gross..."
"Bloody hell? What's all this about?" Henri snarled. "Fuck! Like I care!" He swiftly stuffed the piece of paper inside his pocket and continued to explore around the place. He retardedly waded along the excretion-filled water as he proceeded to explore around the many unlocked cells.
In one particular cell, Henri managed to find a note lying around and picked it up.
"I liked to dig at my nostrils... my sexy little nostrils... tee-hee... mmm... so comfy... I feel like I'm having the ultimate orgasm in my life whenever I dug at my filthy nostrils and... FUCK! There's a shadow above me! Oh my god! Did someone just peeped at me from the middle room? Dammit... can't I even dig at my own nostrils alone in peace? Sheesh…"
"What a sick pervert!" Henri snorted, and he stuffed the note inside his pocket.
(Later…)
Henri soon arrived at an empty room. Well, not exactly empty. At the far end of the room was a big hole with many nice designs crafted beautifully at its circumference. "Ooh… ahh… nice art!" He awed. Then, he noticed a piece of paper stuck on the wall next to the hole and he quickly walked over and picked it up to read.
"In order to enter into the spy-camera monitoring room in the center of this merry, merry-land, all prison guardians have to use the smelly dead body sliding chutes within some of the designated cells… and this always made us all smell like some rotting fucks. No wonder the kids always made fun of us prison guardians by calling us names like, 'poo-poo dickheads' and 'fart-face'… dammit, I hate my job.
And to make it even more challenging for us, prison guardians, the higher bosses have decided to lock up these special cells with such 'dead body sliding chutes' features, on the first and second floors so that we would better appreciate more on their creativity than on their stupidity. To hell with them! Anyways, I came to know about this very fascinating way of getting up to the third floor from one of the cells in the first floor but it's a pain to do it since the bosses are stingy enough to only pay for the lights on the third floor… those blood-sucking scrooges."
Henri was getting more and more irritated with all these illogical notes that he had picked up along the way. He finally concluded that the authors to these notes must be crazy. Maybe even delusional. "Probably some junkies…" He thought. Henri shrugged and left the room via the spiral stairway access door. He merrily walked along the long spiral stairs when he casually stopped by along the way to pick up a big metal coin with the words, "Anti-Teletubbies Insane Medallion", engraved on it. Henri happily stuff away the piece of crap metal inside his pocket.
"Hee… hee… hee…" A sinister laughter reverberated the entire spiral stairway.
"WAHHHHH!" Henri screamed like a girl. "What the-?" Then suddenly, without any prior notice or whatsoever, the purple Teletubby popped out from the wall beside him and started to grope him.
"Hello sissyboy..." The purple Teletubby moaned. "We meet again... and what nice butt you've got!"
"GAH! Get away from me, freak!" Henri screamed. "RAPE!"
"Hee… hee…" The Teletubby continued to laugh.
Henri immediately grabbed the medallion from his pocket and flashed it at the Teletubby. "Die, you bastard… DIEEEE!"
"Muwahahahahaha!" The gay-ish purple blob laughed hysterically. "You really do think that fucking piece of crap metal is gonna get rid of me?"
A wave of anger struck Henri and he swiftly used the medallion in his hand to strike the Teletubby on its head.
"Ouch… that hurts!" The Teletubby cried, as it quickly shrank back into the wall.
"Hmm… so this medallion really does make Teletubbies go away… tee-hee…" Henri giggled.
Henri kept the medallion and continued to run down the long spiral stairway. Unfortunately, the gay-ish purple Teletubby kept appearing along the spiral stairway as it persisted in sexually harassing him. The attacks were torturous and mind shattering as the purple blob of disgusting mass kept trying to grope at his ass. Henri screamed bloody murder everytime the creature attempted to attack his two well endowed… um… assets. It seemed like forever before Henri finally managed to reach the bottom of the spiral stairway and he quickly exited through the door.
Henri immediately slammed himself against the door behind him. The ordeal just before was enough to make any living souls kill themselves. Henri breathed heavily. He felt as if his modesty was outraged. He felt dirty. He felt cheap. He felt like a whore. Yes, you heard me right. A whore. Henri cringed at the very thought. Whores were bad. At least that's what he thought. Henri shook at his head and continued down the remaining flight of stairs until he had finally arrived at the foot of the long winding stairs where he saw something that almost made his bladder burst.
In the middle of the enormously enormous big room was a shiny white porcelain toilet, complete with the state-of-the-art computerized flushing system and a strong scent of sugar and spice lingered in the air.
"What the hell?"
The label on the toilet read, "iToilet".
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Teletubbies, the Pussycat Dolls and their hit song, "Don't Cha", and Silent Hill and its series. I also apologize if I've offended people who are of extremely… um… well, big masses. I just want to say that it wasn't intentional and I do not have anything against people who are fat. Please forgive me.
A/N: Thank you all who had made the effort to read and reviewed. The list is long and the truth is out there, so I shall not name out all of you people. You know who you are. Anyway, I'm back, with a vengence… ha-ha… just kidding. But seriously, its been hard for me to constantly update on my parodies because I'm pregnant. And the father of the child is an alien. I've also broke the World Record for being the first male to bear the baby of an alien so keep a lookout on CNN for more information.
Okay, I was kidding again. Its just a load of nonsense I've conjured so please DO NOT take it too seriously… ha-ha… I'm serious… I mean, I'm serious about asking you to not taking it seriously regarding the whole 'alien pregnant' thing… its just a joke… for goodness sake... oh, whatever… do Read and Review please… Thanks!