Shuddup Hill 4: The Retard Version
Chapter 6: The Great Escape
Henri was somehow surprised to see a state-of-the-art technology toilet in such a hellhole place. He slowly walked over towards the sparkling white fixture in the middle of the room when all of a sudden, he saw a pair of badly-manicured pale hands stretching out from the opening of the toilet.
"AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!" Henri shrieked like a girl.
The ghastly hands fidgeted as it slowly pulled along a sickly figure with extremely long and unruly black hair out of the opening. Henri screamed some more.
It was a little girl crawling out from within the toilet.
Henri trembled and shuddered at the sight before him. He shuddered not because of the scary-looking little girl, but because he could not believe that any human being in the right mind would make their entrance through toilet openings.
The little girl soon made her way out from the potty hole and began to walk towards Henri. If Henri was slowly beginning to feel his stomach churn and his bowel giving way. He swallowed his saliva and he was starting to perspire hard. Dark patches formed under his armpits as he stood there shivering like a tiny kitten.
"Getawaygetawaygetawaygetawaygetawaygetawaygetawaygetawaygetaway…" He chanted.
The girl continued to walk forwards, leaving trails of wet and slimy excretion on the ground.
Henri was trying hard not to faint. He stood limply as he watched the girl moved towards him. She looked awkwardly familiar. Henri went into a deep thought when a name came into his mind.
"S-samara?" He called out. "Is t-that you?"
The little girl shook at her head.
"Then who the fuck are you?" He asked.
The little girl stopped and looked up at him. "I'm Alice. Alice Gulliblespie."
"What the fuck do you want anyway?" Henri asked.
Alice silently pointed her filthy, crap-stained finger at him.
"Oh god! Is she's gonna rape me too?" Henri thought. "Please don't rape me… I'll give you… anything… ANYTHING! Just don't rape me… please!" He begged for mercy. Henri reached inside his pocket to dig out a paperclip, two quarters, a candy wrapper and a roll of hair. "Here! Take all of this…"
Alice sweatdrop.
"Shut up, you dimwit! I'm looking for my other half so that we could combine as one to become the ultimate Pop Princess of the Mario World."
"Huh? Y-you don't want me?" He asked.
"Ha-ha… of course not, silly..." She giggled. "I'd rather kill myself."
Henri sweatdrop.
"Anyway, you mentioned about some princess thing-y and marijuana stuff… so, are you high on drugs?" He asked.
"Dammit! Its Mario World… NOT Marijuana, dumbass!"
"WHAT? Mario World? Are you crazy?" He said, looking around in fear and he suddenly went into an almost inaudible whisper. "What the hell are you talking about? You can't be serious when you talk about those Mario World mumbo stuff, right? I mean, its illegal to even talk about anything relating to Nintendo in a Sony PlayStation game…"
"Ah, the irony of a stupid mortal…" She sighed. "You mortals can't get any stupid-er, can you?"
"Hmmm… does that mean… no, it doesn't sound like… Oh, I get it… no wait, it doesn't make sense… but… HEY! ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I'M STUPID?" Henry shouted. "You slut!"
"Points proven!" She said, rolling her eyes over. "Anyway, my mummy always told me that mortals are stupid… that's why I wanted to become a Pop Princess. The almighty one. The supremacy being to be worshipped by Mario and Luigi…" She spoke in an eerie way with both her arms reaching out to the sky.
"Uh, Alice… you are scaring me…" Henri stared at her in fear. "Besides, what fucking gibberish nonsense are you mumbling about? Who in the right mind would want to be a poo-poo princess? I mean, isn't it illegal?"
"ITS POP Princess, you dimwit! And why is being a Pop Princess illegal anyway?" Alice asked, looking at him suspiciously.
"Well, for one, they evade taxes…" He hushed softly at Alice's ears. "… and they smells…"
Alice sweatdrop.
"Whatever…" She mumbled. "By the way, have you seen a seven-year-old little girl, short, black hair, with tattoo and nose ring? She goes by the name of Cherry Mayson."
Henri thought for a moment. "Don't think I'd seen seven little black girls with short tattoo-ed nose rings running around here…"
"No, dammit! I SAID 'a seven-year-old little, short, black hair, with tattoo and nose rings'!" Alice said.
"Oh that! Ha-ha… for a moment there, I thought you've got seven other black sisters… ha-ha…"
Alice sweatdrop.
"Well, have you?" Alice asked, again. "You filthy racist pig!"
"Huh? Seven sisters? Well, no… I'm the only child… I don't have any sisters…"
"NOOO! I MEANT, HAVE YOU SEEN MY OTHER HALF, CHERRY MAYSON?" She screamed.
"Oh…" Henri replied. "Well, not really…"
"Well then, I guess I'd better make a move and continue with my search…" Alice said. With that, she turned back and headed back to the iToilet and she struggled to get through the toilet opening which she had came out from earlier.
Being a mister-nice-guy himself and seeing that Alice was having trouble trying to get her flabby ass down the toilet, Henri decided to help her out with her journey. "Here, let me help you with that." He said.
Henri reached for the red flashing button on the panel at the top of the toilet, with the label "For Emergency Use".
"NO… NOT THAT BUTTON!" Alice screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO…"
Henri pressed the button.
The iToilet immediately geared up as soon as he had pressed on the emergency flushing button. This activated the electrical generating pump which sent a strong current through the integrated electrical motherboard, boosting up the power system. The device then triggered the pumping hydraulic mechanism, which was connected to a tiny wheel with a little hamster running in it. The hydraulic mechanism then initiated the electronically engineered flushing system.
( Flushing sounds)
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Alice screamed. "I'm drowning… I'm d-drowni…"
And then, she was gone.
"You are welcome!" He shouted, obviously happy with his charitable act.
As he was about to move away from the toilet, he saw a key lying next to the computerized flushing exhaust of the toilet flushing system and picked it up. On the key was a tag with the wordings "Water Jail Runaway Key". Along with the key, Henri also found yet another piece of memo and he picked it up
"Water Room Operating Manual
Since the organization is working on an extremely low budget to maintain the Water Jail facility, we would have to scrimp on whatever resources we have in the vicinity. Thus, in order to illuminate the third floor cell, operate on this state-of-the-art iToilet. However, please remember that the flushing momentum of the system must be performed in the exact opposite direction. If you are so stupid enough to not understand what it means, it meant that all wastes and excretions shall have to be flushed back up.
To do so, the please feed the hamster with slug juice from the roof."
"WHAT?" Henri stared at the memo with his mouth wide open in disbelieve. He turned his head to the pathetic hamster on the wheel in connecting the pumping hydraulic mechanism of the iToilet. "YELCH! What kind of stupid hamster consumes slug juices?" He cried.
(Meanwhile, back at the cell block…)
Androol squirmed to a corner of the cell and he stared, with frightening eyes, at the spider on the wall opposite of him.
"Please don't hurt me, Mister Spider… please!" He begged. "I-I… I'll give you a candybar…" Androol slowly reached inside his underwear to pull out a half-eaten candybar and attempted to offer it to the spider on the wall.
The spider moved a little.
Androol gave out a scream, dropped the candybar in his hands, and peed in his pants before he collapsed to the floor, unconscious, with foam oozing out from his mouth.
After using the Water Jail Runaway key, Henri finally managed to arrive at the roof of the Water Jail. To his surprise, the entire place was filled with slimy slugs frolicking under the sun. Henri felt utterly disgusted. The slugs were all naked.
He carefully squirmed his way to the middle of the room to find an empty container resting on a stand. Next to the container was a blue lever with the words "Pull Me". Henri obediently did so and a secret compartment above the lever opened to reveal a… DUN… DUN… DUN… DUNNNN… Blender.
Henri quickly grabbed the many unsuspicious slugs, especially those fat and chubby ones as they bring in more juices, and threw them all into the blender. He then activated the switch on the blender and within seconds, the slugs had all turned into a pulps and juices. Henri took a glance at the mess in the blender. He turned purple in the face and puked.
After a good long vomit, Henri shakily poured the disgusting contents in the blender into the empty container he had found and he quickly went back to the iToilet facility and fed it to the hamster.
The poor hamster struggled as it gulped down the slimy fluid. The little animal then let out a nerve-shriveling scream and ran like a lunatic on the spinning wheel in the opposite direction.
Henri felt sick in his stomach. Then he suddenly also felt the urge to pee and shit all at the same time. He wanted to use the iToilet to answer to his nature calls, but the very moment he had set his eyes at the iToilet, his urge was quick to turn into dismay when he saw what the hamster was burping out from its tiny little mouth. Indigested slug juices.
"Eeeeew…" He cringed. Henri then decided that his journey would have to wait for he was going to go back to his apartment to answer to nature calls. So, he swiftly made his way back to the room with a portal hole and entered it.
(Later…)
Henri woke up on his bed with the usual moaning and smelly wet pants. However, this time round, it was worse than before. For, he had not only wet himself, but he also crap in his own bed.
Author's comments: "Well, don't ask me how he managed to change into a set of clean pants and underwear when there's practically no clean water supply to his apartment. Its all done by the magical-time-warping-gaming-ability invented by Konami. Anyway, the screen faded into black and within seconds, Henri had gotten himself yet, another set of clean pants on already. Like I said, magical, isn't it?"
Anyway, after putting on his new set of pants, Henri happily hopped out to the living room only to find another mysterious note stuck underneath his door, and picked it up.
"I'm scared… really, I'm scared… I mean, although I've been through a lot in my life… okay, fine maybe just that tiny one thing about being kissed by a Teletubby and stuff… Anyway, that's not the point. The point IS that I've never felt so scared since I'm being physically brutalized by the purple Teletubby.
Anyway, I'll just jot down whatever I have to whoever that's stupid enough to be conned into living in this freaky apartment after me… ha-ha… serve you right for taking advantage of the cheap rent, you bastard.
I've been investigating the massacre that took place seven years ago in which ten people were mysteriously murdered in ten days… you do your math. As the saying goes, a murder a day, keeps the doctor busy away… ha-ha… Anyway, although they were all being killed in a different and creative way, but somehow, I felt that the M.O sucked as they all die with those ugly and gaudy numbers written out-of-proportion on their body… yucks!
01121, 02121, 03121, 04121, 05121, 06121, 07121, 08121, 09121, 10121…
Dammit! I got a feeling that I'm 11121… Now, that's just gross! The number's so not cool, and not to mention that its not even my luck number… okay? Why can't they just use a stencil to write on the bodies? Its neater that way… Okay, enough said about me. God, I'm such a narcissist… Anyway, the name of the artistic killer was written in as well…
His name was… dun… dun… dun… dunnnn! Wolter Saliverman
April 4"
"?" Henri thought. "What's with this Wolter guy anyway? Why is it that everyone's talking about him? From the radio broadcast earlier... And now, this stupid note. Is he some American Idol or something?"
He absent-mindedly slipped the note inside his pocket and decided to head back into the portal hole in the bathroom, since he had already answered to his nature calls, uh… well, when he woke up in bed just know.
Androol moaned as he slowly gained consciousness. He slowly strained open his eyes as he wiped away the foam off of his mouth. "Where am I? What the hell happened?"
He looked around the place when suddenly, he remembered. "Spider! Where the fuck is that fucking spider?" He quickly took a glance over at the wall on the opposite. And to his astonishment, the spider was not there.
"GAH! Where is it? Where is it?" He panicked.
Androol immediately sat up from the floor and his eyes darted high and low as he frantically searched around the cell. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, the spider jumped onto his face.
Androol screamed.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The voice of Adrool DeSickman echoed loudly through the deserted Water Jail.
Henri jumped and looked around. "Dammit! What in the name of motherfucking shit was that?" He retorted.
He then briskly disregards the horrible screams and made his way towards a ladder in the middle of an open space and headed up.
Henri found himself in a surveillance room of some sort. He looked around the place and found himself staring at 269, 517, 637 monitors recording the footage from spy cameras installed all over the Water Jail facility. He took a closer look at the screen of the monitors to see various images ranging from the common shower room, the kitchen, some private rooms, freezer, cells, and even the rubbish dump.
Then, from one of the monitors, Henri saw that gutless lardass smashing his face on the cell wall to get rid of the cute little spider on his face.
"Stupid fool…" He said to himself.
Henri found a piece of paper with ugly handwritings stuck on the wall with tapes next to the monitor and picked it up to read.
"Meh! This place rots… literally. The locks on the doors to some cells are so fucked up that they could no longer be opened. Those ignorant pesky brats do not know that they are trapped in their own cells, but anywho, the less they know about that, the better.
I can still monitor them from this fucking spy-cam monitoring room… tee-hee… to see them writhe into lumps of waste and die in their cells, with neither shower nor food… its FUN!
One stupid Engineer proposed that we solve the problem the tedious way, by digging holes underneath the cells so that the floors could be rotated to align these fucking holes to rid of the bodies with discrete. SHEESH! ARE THEY CRAZY? Who's gonna do the digging? The elves? No! Its us! Dammit! Its easy for them to just say it… but fuck! We are the ones digging… those bastards!
p.s. Dearest Chief, I know that you are desperate to see the Die Room behind the kitchen and the things we have done to the little spoilt brats… tee-hee… its good, I tell you! Anywho, all you've got to do is to align all the beds in the cells with urine stains and jump through the miserable holes, which we have dug, and… VOILA!
p.p.s. Oops! I forgot… I sincerely don't mean it as an insult… you see, I don't think you could ever enter the Die Room because you are naturally born without eyeballs and fingers. That means you won't pass the retina scan and fingerprint identification authentication procedure… yeah, that sucks, I know… but too bad, Chief!"
Henri simply chucked away the forsaken piece of paper inside his pocket and made his way up all the way to the top level.
Upon arriving at the third floor, after passing more monitoring equipment and recording devices scattered all over the entire building, Henri managed to find yet another piece of badly written note on the wall of the third floor Spy-Camera Monitoring Room.
"The lucky number for the door to the Die Room is 0-3-6-1-8-7-5-2-9-4-6-3-1-7-8-2-4-8-2-2-8-1-9-0."
"What the fuck?" He exclaimed. "Who in the right mind would have thought of such an unearthly code? I mean, its not user friendly… not to mention, it damn hard to remember. Besides, what's so great about this so-called Die Room anyway? "
Henri then looked around the place for a way to free that lardass from the cell. As he scanned around the room packed with loads of monitoring equipment, he saw a rusty steering wheel in the middle.
He happily walked over to the wheel, only to see an instruction note written next to it.
"Turn wheel to align holes and open cell doors."
"Cell doors, eh?" He wondered.
And so, he proceeded to give the wheel a couple of turns before he went down to the Spy-Camera Monitoring room below. Henri then did the same thing to the steering wheel on the second floor Spy-Camera Monitoring Room as well as the one on the first floor.
(Back at the cell...)
The lock on his cell door clicked open. Androol stopped his struggle with the spider on his face and looked up to realize that the cell door was now unlocked. Androol heaved a sigh of relief. He was now a free man! "I'm free! I'M FREE!" He thought. "YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" He gave a loud cheer.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he accidentally swallowed the spider.
Henri watched Androol staggered painfully towards the open cell entrance through the surveillance monitor in the Spy-Camera Monitoring Room on the first floor. "Strange… why is Androol behaving as though he is choking or something?" He wondered.
Henri shrugged. He then happily made his way to the basement of the building through the ladder.
(Meanwhile...)
Androol choked and gagged as he made his way out of the cell. His face was soon turning blue with the spider stuck in his throat.
"Ack… mmf… ack!" He gagged.
Androol staggered around the basement, desperately grasping for air, when he saw a shadow right in front. "Ack… mmf… ack!" He pleaded, as he continued to drag himself forward.
The person in front of him slowly stepped out from the shadow. It was a little boy.
"Ack… mmf… ack… bletck!" He managed to whiz through his blocked windpipe, as he knelt down in front of the little boy.
The little boy continued to stare blankly at him, as he furiously dug at his nostrils.
Henri descended the ladder from the first floor of the Spy-Camera Monitoring Room. He found himself back at the dark and clammy, eerie basement. As he turned around, he saw Androol, back facing him, kneeling in front of a little boy.
"Eh? Isn't that the same boy I met in the Cemetery?" He wondered. "AH! I get it… they must be playing some kind of stupid game… I'll just go over and give them a surprise… tee-hee…"
Henri slowly walked towards the duo and he jumped on them, giving Androol a big slap on his back. "SURPRISE!"
The impact from Henri's slap on his back made Androol coughed out the body of the spider. And the little boy, upon seeing the gore coming out from the fat man's mouth, ran away in shock.
"Eh? Why'd that kiddo ran away? Whacha you two playing, huh? Can I join? Please?" Henri asked, as his vision slowly moved to the disgusting lump of black mess on the floor. "Eeeew! And what the fuck is that? And did that just came from your mouth?"
Androol coughed for quite a long while before he managed to speak. "T-thank you, Henri… I-I… I, thank you…"
"Huh? What are you talking about?" Henri asked.
"I almost choked myself to death by that eeky spider…" He said, pointing at the black stuff on the floor.
"What? You meant you ate that spider?" Henri immediately squirmed away from him.
"No. And why would I do that? I just happened to swallow it by, uh… by accident." Androol replied.
"Yeah, nice try fatso…" He said. "You animal killer!"
"No! I swear… I didn't eat that disgusting spider…"
"Whatever… so, what's with that kid?" Henri asked.
"W-what kid? I don't know what you are talking about…" Androol answered. "… I-I… I did not swallow any children… I swear!" He continued, looking away nervously.
"Huh? What the hell are you blabbering about eating children? I was talking about the little boy here with you just now and… WAIT! Did you just mention something about eating children?" Henri asked.
"Wha-? Who? Me? Ha-ha…" Androol laugh in an awkward manner. "I-I… I don't eat… uh… children… I mean, they are deliciou… um… cute. So, why would I eat them?" He forced a fake smile.
"Okay…" Henri said, still staring at him suspiciously. "So, what's with that kid I saw just now standing in front of you here? Who is he?"
"Oh, you mean Wolter? He's just a boy from the House of Dorks… but they placed him under the Water Jail here because of his obsession in digging his nose…"
"He's Wolter?" Henri gasped.
"Yeah… you know him?" The fat man asked. "I wouldn't get close to him if I were you… because that little brat is nothing but trouble. From what I know, he's a weird little kid who's into some mumbo dumbo stuff…"
"Huh? What mumbo dumbo stuff?" Henri asked.
"Well, for one, he liked to feed whatever he had dug out from his nostrils to any unsuspicious people…"
"Hmm… I think I've encountered that before back at the cemetery…" Henri said.
"Psst…and I heard that he also liked to dig at his anus…" Androol whispered at Henri's ear.
"HE WHAT?" Henri gasped in shout.
"Shhhhhhhhh! Are you trying to get me into trouble?" Androol looked around with frightened eyes.
"Alright, fine…" Henri said.
"Look, I think we'd better look for a way to get the hell out of this fucking place." Androol said.
"What do you mean 'we'?" Henri said.
"Huh? Aren't we supposed to escape from this place together?" Androol asked.
"No offense, but you'll only slow me down, chubbyboy…" Henri snickered. "…and besides, I think I could run faster and my chances of survival would be much higher if I were to escape by myself…"
"WHY YOU SELFISH BASTARD!" Androol scowled.
"Thanks. I take that as a compliment." Henri said. "Now, why don't you just buzz off?"
"Fine! I'll find the way out by myself!" Androol said to him, before turning his back away from him and walked away.
"Byeee!" Henri waved like a retard.
"Go rot in hell!" Androol replied, giving him the middle finger.
(Moments later…)
Henri peeped over the hole next to the urine-stained bed and hesitated. Although he knew that this would be his only way to find out more about the mysterious Die Room, Henri wasn't so sure if he would survive the jump.
"Relax… its just a little jump…" A little devil version of himself suddenly poof-ed out from nowhere told him. "Moreover, you are not gonna die… maybe you'll break every single bones in your body, or maybe suffered from brain damage and become a vegetable… but you are definitely not gonna die."
Then, an angel version of Henri also poof-ed right next to him and said, "Curiosity kill the cat!"
"Shut the fuck up, jackass…" The devil-ish Henri screamed as it flew over to strangle the angel Henri. The Angel version of Henri quickly took out a taser and sent millions of gigawatt through the body of the devil-ish Henri.
And poof-rd, the Devil version of Henri was gone.
"Now, please Henri… don't jump..." The Angel version of Henri said.
Henri nodded and decided not to take the risk plunging through the bottomless pit in front him. But unfortunately, as he slowly backed away from the hole, he somehow lost his footings and slipped over a puddle of urine on the floor, sending him falling down the hole.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed.
Henri fell to the second floor, banged his head on the hard concrete in the process before he rolled along the urine-filled floor and down into the hole.
"Oof… ouch… ouch… AHHHHH… ouch… oof…"
He landed on the first floor cell and slipped off from the edge of the hole and once again, he fell headlong into the hole.
"Oof… AHHHHHHHH… ouch… oof… ouch… AHHHHHHHH…"
Henri continued his girly screams until he had landed hard on the dirty floor of the kitchen with a heartbreaking wrenching sound and an unearthly thud.
And then, the Water Jail was silent once again.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own all proprietar-ied, copyright-ed, trademark-ed stuff in this chapter. I'm just doing some promotion for them, free-of-charge. So, don't sue me.
A/N: Thank you all kind souls for your support, support, and more support. I know that I've been rather slow in my updates… so sorry. Anyway, after many sleepless nights and sacrificing many of my braincells, here's the latest installment of Shuddup Hill 4… Hope you people will like it. Reviews please!