Shuddup Hill 4: The Retard Version
Chapter 8: Sidekick from RE
After his horrendous encounter with the Teletubby clone goons, Henri soon arrived at a sports shop with the name of the shop in neon letterings that read, FLUCKER's Sports Shop. However, the letter 'L' was not lit, making the name of the shop spelt 'FUCKER's' instead.
Henri slowly walked inside the shop and past the many shelves and containers, with his eyes darting nervously around at the shop's interior. He was happily hopping around the deserted shop like an idiot, he suddenly saw something so scary, it almost made him scared the shit out of his life.
Bats!
On the wall opposite from where he was standing, was a sign with the words, "Aluminum Bats". Henri's heart almost skipped a beat. "B-bats? They even have those vicious-looking, blood-sucking b-bats… here? I-I… I wonder if they bite? Oh god, I don't want to turn into a blood-sucking vampire or anything… S-H-I-T!" He thought. Henri had always been scared of bats in his entire life. In fact, he's scared of anything that sucked blood. Yes, and that meant tampons too. Henri's even frightened by the mere sight of those ultra-absorbent tampons.
"GAH!" He screamed, when he stole a glance at the insides of the container housing those aluminum bats but soon stopped only when he realized that the sign referred to baseball bats. "Oh…" He muttered sheepishly. Nonetheless, Henri had decided to pick out an aluminum bat from the container to defend himself in case he were to encounter more of those disgusting gay Teletubbies.
Oh, how he hated those fucking miserable homo-oversized purple faggots.
(Later…)
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Henri was being chased along the aisles inside a pet store. He screamed like a little girl as he ran like hell and dodged at the many freaky-looking zombies. Yes, you heard right. The living undeads. Probably some escaped rotting juveniles from Resident Evil.
Henri soon found himself cornered by many of the rotting bastards. The moaning jackasses was now beginning to near him as they surrounded him left, right, front, and back, leaving no room for him to escape. "GAH! What to do? What to doooooo?" Henri thought, as he cried and whimpered like a true, big pussy.
"Oh shut the fuck up, you sissy!" A voice suddenly called out.
"Eh?" Henri quickly looked up.
The zombies moaned as they looked around. (Translation: What the fuckety-fuck was that?)
(BANG! BANG! BANG!)
One by one, the zombies disintegrated to lumps of rotting flesh as they exploded into a crimson of red, right in front of Henri's face, and fell to the floor in bundles. Their spleens and other organs were splattered all over his face.
"GAH!" Henri screamed, like a five-year-old girl and collapsed to the floor.
"Are you okay?" The voice echoed.
Henri only managed to see a faint shadow approaching him before he finally succumbed to the dizzy spell in his head.
He had fainted.
(Moments later…)
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Henri screamed, jerking himself awake on the floor. He looked around the place to realize that he was still inside the pet store.
"I see you are awake, sissy boy…" A familiar voice said.
"AHHHH!" Henri screamed in fright. "W-who are you? A-and… and did you touch my sexy body while I'm unconscious?" He scowled.
The person sweatdrop.
"No." The person answered, rolling his eyes over. "I wouldn't touch your disgusting and filthy body even if I'm paid a million bucks."
"Huh? You mean I'm worth that much money? Cool!" Henri drooled, his eyes twitching with pure excitement. "Damn, I should have sold my body to that man-whore pimp that night…"
The person cocked his weapon and aimed it right at Henri's balls. "Hey, are you drooling?"
"Uh… ha-ha... nothing…" Henri giggled. He stopped when he saw the gun pointing at his manhood. "I-I, I… Uh… a-anyway, who are you and how'd you even know I was even in here?" Henri asked the stranger.
"Well…" The man retracted his handgun away. "… I'm Redfield. Chris Redfield. I was here looking for my sister, Claire. I thought I heard her unearthly irritating bitchy scream in here and so I decided to come in to take a look."
"Wow! That's so touching…" Henri sobbed, almost choked at his own words. "To think you'd risk your life to save your little baby sister and-"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Chris interrupted. "I came in here to kill that little bitch."
"Wha-?" Henri gasped.
"Yeah, that bitch's been getting a little annoying. Always bossing me around the house, kicking at my groin when I'm asleep…" Chris said. "… and the worse part is, she filmed me when I was in the shower and broadcasted it on the web... LIVE! That bitch!"
Henri sweatdrop.
"So…" Chris continued. "… when I heard that sickening girly scream inside here, I thought I've finally found that whore and that's why I came in here to kill her, or at least I tried to."
"Are you saying I sound like a whore? Huh? Is that it? Do I really sound like a whore?" Henri shouted at his face.
"No offense, but you do sound a L-I-T-T-L-E-E-E bit like that bitchy sister of mine." Chris replied.
"ROARRRRRRRRR!" Henri fumed. "If that's the case, why did you even want to come to this place to look for her then? You could jolly well leave her here to rot and die, right?"
"No. I can't. She had sent out a distress email from Rockfort Island to me, my mum and my dad… and they have been pestering me since then to come and look for her…" Chris said. "… dead and NOT alive, for me that is… Muwahahahaha…" He added, his eyes narrowing to a slit and laughed in a wicked manner.
"Chris, I can hear you…"
"Wha-?"
"I said, I can hear you… you are talking aloud about your scheming plot to rape and kill your own sister."
"D'oh!" Chris cried. "I-I…I… wait, did you just say I was gonna rape my sister?"
"Yeah…" Henri replied.
"B-but I don't remember saying that…" Chris said.
"Of course not, stop giving yourself credits, Chris." Henri chuckled. "I made that up…"
"What the fuck? For goodness sake, you sick baboon… she's my sister!" Chris shouted.
"So?"
"SO? ITS FUCKING INCEST!" Chris screamed.
"What's the big deal? You were going to kill your sister anyway…" Henri said, as-a-matter-of-factly.
"Damn, I'm gonna kill him before he goes around telling other people about my scheme…" Chris thought. "… right after I kill that wretched bitch sister of mine… ha-ha…"
"Why are you smiling, Chris?" Henri asked.
"Um… nothing… nothing…" Chris reassured. "HEY! Wait a minute… you haven't told me who the fuck are you? I need to know who you are!" Chris interrogated, once again pointing his handgun at Henri's balls.
"W-why?" Henri questioned, putting both his hands up in the air.
"So that I would know who I'm gonna kill… tee-hee…"
"Huh?"
"I-I, I… I mean help… yeah, so I know who I'm helping out here…" He faked a cheesy smile.
"Sounds cool… anyway, my name's Henri…" Henri said. "… and do you mind stop pointing your fucking gun at my balls? It could misfire, you know?"
"Okay…" Chris grinned. And then, the gun fired.
(BANG!)
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Henri screamed.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Chris screamed.
Fortunately, the bullet had missed Henri's private part by a mere inch.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?" Henri shouted, shooting him an angry look.
"Sorry, my bad. I had a cramp on my finger." Chris lied, through gritted teeth. "Damn, I can't believe I missed!" His inner voice screamed.
Henri stood up from the floor and walked forward, with Chris tagging along behind him. "So, where'd you say your sister was?" Henri asked.
"Rockfort Island, I think…" Chris replied.
They stopped. "What? But this is North AssFeeld. What the fuck are you looking for your sister here?" Henri asked.
"I don't know, I guess I must have lost my way…" He said, scratching at his head with the handgun.
"B-but what about those zombies? They are not supposed to be here… I mean, they ARE Resident Evil property, aren't they? No wait, in fact, none of you Resident Evil characters' supposed to be in this place… you are all from CAPCOM!"
"Are you on any drugs?" Chris asked, looking at him suspiciously.
Henri sweatdrop.
"Look, whatever happened, happened. So, maybe I'll just stick around and maybe find my chance to kill my sister and then I'll kil… I mean, help you out in whatever you do. Okay?" Chris said, crossing his fingers behind his back.
"Well…" Henri tapped at his chin with his fingers while pondering at the possible options.
"I take it a yes, then…" Chris interrupted, almost too quickly.
"Whatever…" Henri said. "Man, I'm hungry…let's search for some food." And with that, Henri started to run down the aisle searching for some food to fill his stomach.
"Henri… hello! This is a pet store…" Chris reminded him.
"Oh, look-y here… there's some ration here…" Henri shouted, ignoring what Chris had said.
"What?" Chris rushed over. Upon closer observation, he saw that it was a pack of cat food.
Chris sweatdrop.
(KNOCK!)
"OW!" Henri cried in pain. "Why are you hitting my head? I could become stupid, you know?"
"But you already are, you dimwit." Chris told him. "Trust me... you can get any stupider when you already in your stupidest stage."
"Stop it, Chris… you are scaring me…" Henri cried. "You made it sound like cancer or some horrible disease."
Chris sweatdrop.
"So… um… is it contagious? I'm not gonna like suffer from any pain or something… would I?" Henri continued.
"Shut up!" Chris covered Henri's mouth with his hand and pushed him aside.
"Wait… wait!" Henri called after him.
"Now what?"
"There's something next to the ration." Henri said.
"Its cat food, dammit" Chris corrected him.
"Yeah, yeah… look, it's a key to the back door of that FUCKER's Sports Shop!" Henri cheered, as danced around like a fool with the key in his hand.
"Of all the people, why am I stuck with a loser?" Chris groaned. "Let's just go… Henri."
"Okayyyy… so do you want to get some take-aways? Huh? Huh? Do you?" Henri asked, pointing to the bags of cat food on the shelves.
"Shuddupshuddupshuddupshuddupshuddupshuddupshuddupshuddup!" Chris screamed.
So, after the duo managed to open the backdoor of the FLUCKER's Sports Shop with their new-found key, the two of them killed their way through more gay Teletubby clones before they arrived at a safe area.
Chris was trying hard to catch his breath while Henri ran over to a corner and puked.
"What the fuck was that all about?" Chris asked, panting hard.
"T-they are the gay Teletubby clones…" Henri replied, wiping away the trails of puke from his mouth. "… and they are multiplying by the moment."
"Gay, huh? That explained why I felt my butt being touched and slapped at several times…" Chris said. "… so do they bite? I mean, like zombies and stuff like that…"
"I-I don't know… all I know is that they make my head hurt."
(DING!)
The elevator next to them buzzed and opened its door.
Just then, a purple Teletubby suddenly appeared beside them. The duo screamed and immediately dashed inside the lift.
"Press the close button, Henri!" Chris shouted. "HURRY!"
"This one?"
"No, you idiot… that's the 'Door Open' button, you moron!"
"Okay… so is it this one?" Henri asked.
The light in the elevator went out.
"Sorry…" Henri said, as he tried another button. This time, the alarm sounded.
(RINNNNGGGGG!)
"Move away, Henri…" Chris pushed Henri away.
The Teletubby was now closing in on the elevator. Chris could hear its eerie evil giggles while Henri just squirmed at one corner whining at his headache.
Chris immediately rushed over to the control panel and pressed the 'Door Close' button and the door managed to close in time before the Teletubby managed to catch up with them.
"PHEW!" The two of them wiped at their sweat, as the elevator began to move.
As their elevator was moving up, Henri heard somebody's familiar sound conversing in the other elevator. He walked over the side of the elevator to see Rudolph in the other elevator...
Rudolph was walking around the deserted place. He shivered at the very thought of seeing Henri touching the poor thing. Rudolph was glad to be finally rid of the psycho bastard. He had managed to gotten himself out of the room through the window and he made his way along the stairs until he had arrived at a clearing.
(DING!)
The man jumped at the sound. Rudolph did not expect to find a working elevator in this place. Afterall, everything here seemed dead and none of the mechanical machineries work around here.
Except this elevator.
Rudolph happily walked inside the elevator. As the elevator was making its way down, he suddenly sensed someone standing behind him and turned around.
It was a little boy.
Henri could not help but overheard the conversation between the two of them.
"So, you must be that wretched little toy boy that he was talking about?" Rudolph teased.
The little boy just kept quiet and dug at his little nostrils.
"You lived in Henri's apartment too, huh? I bet I know all about you and that faggot Henri's dirty little secret." Rudolph bluffed, on the pretext of trying to get more information from the little boy.
The boy ignored him and continued digging at his nose.
Rudolph was beginning to get impatient. "Why is this little kid so damn arrogant? So, he wanna play cool, huh? Well, he's met the wrong guy here!" Rudolph thought.
"Say, you look kinda familiar… were you the one I caught sneaking in and out of that Henri's apartment naked in the middle of the night?" The man asked.
The boy proceeded to offer Rudolph the 'stuff' he had dug out from his nose.
"GAH! You are one sick little boy!" Rudolph screamed.
Just then, their elevator came to a stop and the boy quickly ran out through the opened door.
"Hey! Come back here, you brat!" Rudolph shouted after the boy, when he noticed some of the 'stuff' the boy had dug out from his nose had stained his shirt. "Fuck! Did you slimed my shirt with your disgusting shit? Come back here… you hear me? You are so gonna get it from me when I catch you!"
Rudolph immediately gave chase after the boy.
"What the hell?" Henri and Chris looked at each other, somehow rather amused at what they had seen.
It was then that their elevator came to a halt, and their elevator door opened…
DISCLAIMER: No, this is not about a merger between Capcom and Konami. Its nothing personal, its just for the sake of humor. I also do not own Capcom and Konami, or whatever that's copyrighted.
A/N: I know its been a while since my last update, and so to cool off you kind souls out there, here's the latest chapter update. This part about Rudolph's story wasn't meant to be this long… yeah, I know, spanning more than two chapters, but I just don't know why I keep on writing, and writing, and writing… and still, Rudolph's not dead yet. Well, I'll try to put an end to his little arrogant life soon, hopefully by the next chapter… no serious, I really am gonna continue this story… REALLY! Hope you guys would stay tune to more fantastic tales and twisted endings… Oh, and before I forget, a BIG thanks to all who've read and/or reviewed my chapters so far. If you haven't, then you are dead! But don't worry, I'll be gentle… I promise. Alright, I won't rip your guts out… but I can't guarantee the safety of your spleens… ha-ha… just kidding. Do R&R.