Shuddup Hill 4: The Retard Version

"I got this from that slut, Miss Craving- no wait, that slut threw it at me a long, long time ago… FUCK, WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE? A SCAVANGER?"

Chapter 10: The Conspiracy Theory

"What the hell…" Henri thought glumly, as he looked around the dreamy-state-like apartment corridor. "… am I finally out of my fucking room?"

(Corny music of the Teletubbies' theme song played in the background…)

"Gross…" Henri thought, as he stood in the dreamy-like corridor outside his North AssFeeld Heights apartment, when suddenly a burly image of a middle-aged blond guy with plaited hair and colorful hairclips and ribbons, wearing an oversized pink-colored trench coat, hopping like a little girl along the corridor.

"Hello?" Henri asked.

The blond guy stopped and looked up. "Yes?" He squeaked, in an ultra-high pitched girly tone, as he toyed around playfully at his blond plaited hair.

"Fucking fruitcake!" Henri thought, through gritted teeth. "Uh… who the fuck are you?" He asked, forcing a fake smile, pretending to be super friendly.

There was something about the giggling freak that Henri felt kinda weird. In fact, the word 'weird' was an understatement. But since Henri was a tad stupid and ridiculously retarded to not being able find an exact word to describe how he felt, he guess he would just have to just settle for the 'weird' word, which was at least closer to how he felt about the funny man.

The girly blond guy giggled some more. Henri winced. He wanted to bash the guy's sickeningly-looking face with a hot iron, over and over again. The thought about it made Henri happy.

"Are you trying to hit on me?" The fruity-looking guy shrieked.

Henri sweatdrop.

"Oh god! That's super sick!" He thought, as he rolled his eyes over. "Um… nope." Henri finally said.

"Oh, I know you want me… you definitely WANT me… I mean, who doesn't? Everybody wants a piece of my beauteeeeeful ass." The blond guy giggled some more. It was at that instant that Henri began to feel nauseous.

"Anyways, I'm Wolter Salivaman." He continued, with a wink.

"W-wolter?" Henri mumbled. "B-but… but I thought that little kid in the Water Prison IS Wolter?"

"Oh, you've met my clone?"

"WHAT THE FUCK? YOUR CLONE?" Henri almost screamed.

Wolter nodded.

"B-but… he looked different from you… besides, he's a kid…" Henri said. "… h-how the hell could he be your clone?"

"My cloning procedure had failed because I've used some third-party genetic solution from the flea market." Wolter said. "That's why that Wolter had become a midget."

"Y-you mean, he's not a kid?"Henri asked.

"Nah. He's just an undergrown failed experiment." Wolter continued to babble.

"Dammit… all this time I've thought that he was a kid." Henri felt a shiver down his spine. "Uh… so, uh… how many clones do you actually have?"

"Hmmm… let's see." Wolter was starting to count at his fingers and at the same time, mumbling to himself. "I would say three, including me. Oh, but one of my clones died. He committed suicide in the jail."

"O-k-a-y… now you are scaring me… y-you… you psychopath." Henri said.

"I take that as a compliment." Wolter said, again he giggled like a little girl. "Thank you."

Henri sweatdrop.

"There's… um, there's one more thing I would like to ask you…" Henri asked.

"What is it?"

"A-am… am I back to the normal world already?" Henri asked, again.

"Maybe… and maybe not." The guy said, giggling as he let out another fart.

Henri sweatdrop.

"So, is that a yes, or a no?" Henri asked again, covering at his nose. Obviously overwhelmed by the strong pungent. "Dammit!"

"Relax, handsome…" Wolter pacified. "… oh alright, for your benefit of doubt, you are STILL in the fucked-up world… yes… my little wonderful abnormal world… Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo…" He giggled. "… gosh, I am oh-so prett-eeee-ful!" Wolter hissed, as he admired lovingly at himself.

Henri sweatdrop. He then slowly moved away from the weirdo and ran into a nearby apartment.

(Inside Room 301…)

Henri found a diary resting on top of the coffee table in the living room and he picked it up.

"Joey Schrubber, the dorky guy living next door, gave me some nude pictures of the purple Teletubby. He also said that if he'd found some more, he'd give it to me. He said he was a paparazzi and he is always snooping around taking secret pictures of that North AssFeeld Next Top Purple Model. But seriously, I would have preferred some cash. Anyway, I think he knew that I was going to ask him for some money, that's why he's been shutting himself in his apartment, trying to avoid me. That bastard. Strange enough, I could hear these farting sounds coming from there.

July 1"

"Oh Raychel, what's with that fucking handwriting on the purple paper? For goodness sake, you'd better take up some writing lessons because you suck at writing shit. Anyway, did you take my clothes? You bitch! Those were my fucking best clothes. You'd better pray hard they were returned unscathed or else, I swear I'm gonna make you puke spleen.

July 2 – Myke"

Henri shuddered at the thought of someone vomiting their spleen. He then continued to make his way into the apartment where he found two freaky life-sized posters of the naked purple Teletubby stuck on the walls in the bedroom. Henri squealed like a pig. He could feel the nauseating feeling once again coming back. He wanted to just get out as fast as possible. Pronto! However, as he was struggling his way out of that horrid room, he noticed that the two posters had weird bulges popping out from the Teletubby's private parts. It looked as though the Teletubby was having an erection. "Ewww…" He groaned. The posters were beginning to freak him out, with all the Teletubby nudity and the bulging-private-part-thing. Henri could no longer take it and he quickly staggered over to one of the posters, and began to rip it apart from the wall.

A key fell to his feet.

"Eh?" He picked up the key to see that it had the words, "Super's Key" written on the tag. Henri quickly moved to the other poster and tore out another key, "Locker Key 106", from behind the other obscene poster. Henri slipped the keys inside his pockets and he made his way back out into the living room, when all of a sudden, he was struck by a tremendous wave of headache.

"Arggh!" He cried, clutching at his head. "Oh shit…"

Henri looked up just in time to see a Teletubby coming out from the bathroom. "La, la, la, la, la… oh man, don't they even have any decent toilet paper in this place? Dammit, I think I've stained my han-" The Teletubby was talking to himself when he stopped abruptly, looking at Henri standing before him.

"AHHH!" Henri screamed.

"Ooh… hi there handsome." The Teletubby giggled, and approached the frightened human. Henri darted his vision around the room and spotted a huge portal hole on the wall and he immediately sprinted towards it like there's no tomorrow.

(ZAP!)

Henri had already gotten used to waking up on his bed to the wet sensation in his crotch area and seeing the dark patches on his pants. He made a quick change to another clean pair of pants and walked out of his bedroom. The very moment he had stepped out from his bedroom, Henri could hear the constant rattling noise of heavy machinery coming from the laundry room. He curiously walked over and opened the door to the laundry room.

He looked inside the room and screamed.

His screams were so loud that, even the dead buried six feet under were awakened.

Eylne was tired from all the dancing in her bedroom. She then went over to her bed to pick up her towel and wiped her body off of the milk residue. Eylne had initially thought that it was a real waste to use all that milk on her bath, but she knew that it was all worth in every bit when her luck changes tonight, after she'd been crowned the Nude Pole Dancing Queen title at the club.

"Besides, it was the neighbor's milk anyway." And Eylne smiled.

(Bang! Bang! Bang!)

"Huh? Who would be here at this time?" She thought. Eylne took a glimpse at the clock on the wall. It was already 5:26 in the afternoon. "Is it the Super? Damn… is he here to check on my dynamite stick collections?" She thought.

The banging on the door persisted.

"I'm coming!" She shouted, as she dropped the towel and put on her bright purple dress.

More banging from her apartment door.

"Alright already! I'm coming, I'm coming…" She echoed, as she ran over to the door and opened it. "… now what is it, Crank-" Eylne's voice trailed off, as she stared at the person standing in the doorway. He was a complete stranger.

The stranger grinned.

"NOOOOO- MY UNDERWEARS… MY BRANDED UNDERWEARS! THEY ARE RUINED!" Henri screamed, staring at the load of purple-ish stained underwears in the washing machine. "WHO THE FUCK PUT THEIR PURPLE CLOTHINGS TOGETHER WITH MY WHITE UNDERWEARS?"

(Mocking giggles echoed in the laundry room.)

"Who's there?" Henri shouted, clutching at his fist and looking around the empty room. "Show your fucking face, dammit!"

(More mocking laughter.)

Henri sweatdrop.

"To hell with you fucking idiots!" He thought, and he stormed out of the laundry room. Somehow, the very moment he had stepped back into the living room, Henri found yet another piece of note stuck at the foot of his apartment door and retrieved it.

"Oh god! I've just figured the theories behind these fanciful numbers. '01121' refers to '01/21', meaning its 1 out of 21. Okay fine, I know its retardedly obvious, but I just wanted to make a statement. Anyway, that Wolter's plan were foiled when he was convicted for the murder of Bolly and Milly Lokane, being the seventh and eighth suckers to die at his hands, and he committed suicide in the jail. HA! What a LOSER!

May 2."

"Huh? Wolter's dead? Oh right… it's the clone." Henri thought about what that fruitcake Wolter had told him earlier that one of his clones had committed suicide in the jail.

After much time pondering at the topic, Henri was finally convinced that all the Salivamans were simply just trouble, whether they were dead or alive.

(Later…)

Henri got poofed back to the weird apartment world, and he found himself back in Room 301. The Teletubby had been waiting for him. The moment Henri set his eyes on that horny-looking purple creature, he screamed. "AHHHH!"

"Ooh… you are back!" The Teletubby moaned, as it wasted no time in trying to reach out and grabbed at Henri's butt. Henri could feel his migraine getting worse and he felt as if he's brain was gonna explode.

The Teletubby giggled. "I'm gonna catch you, my sweety-bunny! Tee-hee…"

The duo ran up and down, and round and round the apartment. The creature pinched Henri's sexy ass. Henri screamed, and he gave the Teletubby a punch in the face, almost knocking the creature's eyes out of their sockets. The Teletubby roared. And Henri squealed. The purple blob then pounced on the unsuspecting human for a hug from the back. But Henri gave him the slip by making a clever dodge. In return, Henri gave that flabby purple creature a kick in the ass, sending him crashing into the refrigerator. Henri then followed-up with the attack by slamming the door of the fridge against the Teletubby's skull for like an umpteen times before he ran for his life out of the apartment.

Once outside, Henri slammed the door to Room 301 behind him and ran hysterically down the corridor until he arrived at the stairway.

"Hello." A man sitting on the stairs greeted him.

Henri took a closer look to realize that he was that fruitcake, whom he had met earlier. Wolter Salivaman.

"Y-you've… (pants)… you've got to get out… (pants)… of here. Hurry, that Teletubby is coming." Henri panted.

"I got this from Miss Craving a long, long, long, long, long, time ago…" Wolter mumbled, as he furiously fiddled at his plaited blond hair.

"Huh?" Henri asked, while he looked over his shoulder to make sure that fuck-tart purple piece of shit did not catch up with him. "What the hell are you talking about? We gotta go now before that gay thing catches up, dammit!"

"… no wait, I should say she THREW it at me! That bitch!" Wolter cursed, pointing to the pile of shit by the stairs.

"GAH! SHIT!" Henri squirmed away.

"Shut the fuck up, sissyboy." Wolter told him. "By the way, do you think I'm pret-eeeeee-ful?" Wolter suddenly asked.

Henri sweatdrop.

Henri continued to look back and he started to pull at Wolter's arms. "Yes... YES! You are pretty, okay?" He said, rolling his eyes over in disgust. "Now, hurry up and let's get going already. That fat thing is catching up on us." Henri pleaded.

"Here… I'm giving this shit to you." Wolter said, holding up the brown excretion in his hand.

"Uh, thanks… but no thanks." Henri replied, pushing away Wolter's dirty hand.

Just then, Henri managed to catch sight of the purple Teletubby hopping merrily towards the stairs. He screamed and ran down the stairs.

"Hey! You forgot your shit!" Wolter shouted.

But Henri was long gone.

The purple Teletubby then stopped beside Wolter and sat next to him by the stairs. "So, how is performance of our test subject coming along?"

Wolter looked at him. "Its coming along well."

"Good." The Teletubby nodded, before he saw what was in Wolter's hand. "So, are you gonna like eat that? If not, may I have it?" The Teletubby asked, staring hungrily at the slimy brown substance in Wolter's hand.

Henri was glad that he had finally managed to get rid of the Teletubby. And of that weirdo Wolter. Henri then looked at the surrounding. It resembled the ground floor of the North AssFeeld Height Apartment building, except that the whole place looked dreamy-like and that it was dirty and filthy.

As he walked along the filthy carpeted floor, Henri saw a note stuck on one of the lockers at the side of the stairs. He went over to pick up the note.

"You've Got Mail."

Henri then saw the numbers "106" inscribed on the cover of the locker and remembered that he had earlier found a locker key with the same number on it. He immediately reached for his pockets and pulled out the key and used it to open the locker.

The moment he opened the latch to the locker, overflowing letters flooded the place. Henri screamed. But his cries for help were soon drowned out by the stacks of falling papers gushing over him.

DISCLAIMER: The usual disclaimer. You should now already know it by heart. If not, go look at my previous chapters.

A/N: Finally, my tenth chapter.Whoopy! 10 glorious chapters. I'm so thrilled. Once again, another chapter fulfilled. I wanna express my gratitude to all the readers out there for spending their time to read at my retard works. Bless you. Bless you all and thank you. Needless to say, please do Read and Review. TTFN.