A/N: I am REALLY sorry guys! This chapter has taken me ages to get posted! I'm blaming it on real life- new flat, graduation, lack of net etc. The last few months my imagination has decided to take a break with no sign of coming back. But have no fear! I'm gonna finish this fic, even if it finally gets finished when I'm 80!
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Chapter 6: Doesn't Matter
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Max: I appreciate this.
Alec: Yeah, no worries. Anything for a friend, or a clone of a friend.
-Max and Alec (She Ain't Heavy)
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'Stranger than your sympathy
I take these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt'
-The Goo Goo Dolls (Sympathy)
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"So… here I am, back in Terminal City. I no longer seem to be killer Erin, which is cool. Doesn't stop me from wanting to lock myself up somewhere though- preferably one of those nice padded rooms, soundproofed, so I can just scream and scream until I stop feeling like I'm going to snap and shatter into lots of little sharp pieces. Stupid transgenic hearing. I can't talk to myself without one of them hearing, I can't sign to myself without one of them reading my hands and I certainly can't think to myself. If I think any bloody harder my head will probably explode so let's not go there. No. What I have to do is pretend it never happened. That's the only thing that'll save my sanity. What's left of it. Ending up in this place kinda puts it all in question anyway. Problem. My tried and tested techniques don't seem to want to work here. Ya see, back home, I went through 3 stages. Stage 1 was shutting down. Not talking, not communicating, just functioning on the very basic levels- eat, breathe, sleep. Here, I can't be on my own for long. I find myself followed by either one of the '09ers or Dalton and Sketchy. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the rest of TC had started putting soldiers on my tail to make sure I didn't do anything. And I seriously doubt that those guys are worried I'll kill myself. Which brings me on to stage 2. Stage 2 got me into a lot of problems back home. They locked me up for it for a while. It was between stages 1 and 2 that I'd taught myself sign language. I hadn't been ready to talk back then- the very sound of my voice just brought back flashes of screaming… Anyway, back to stage 2. Stage 2 was pain. Lots of it. Self inflicted injuries. They couldn't let me near knives of any kind. In the beginning they'd made sure to give me plastic cutlery to eat with as they figured that seeing a steel knife would make me freak and think of the scalpels that'd been used on me. But plastic can hurt just as much. Especially if a plastic knife has a slightly serrated edge. Run along the soft skin of a wrist repeatedly- hurts. And if it has enough pressure, well, you get the picture. After that, at dinner times I had to be watched as I ate the food and took the meds. But that didn't stop me. I wanted pain. I shouldn't have survived, shouldn't live while they had… I'm not going there right now. Not now when I'm like this. Anyway, I'd punch walls when the docs weren't with me. Punched walls until my blood covered the paint and my knuckles had split. Punched walls until my hands had to be fixed and bandaged. Punched walls until I couldn't use my hands. After one time in a room with an unguarded window they knew to put me in one that had protective covering on it. Not after the last mess I'd made. So, that's stage 2 and I can't do that here. Not when I'm under almost constant watch. Not when I don't want to set the beast free again. So, the safest route I can take is stage 3. Pretend like I'm fine. Pretend that it didn't happen. Put a calm happy face on, block it all out. But I can't do that here. Not only can I always feel Her, the beast under the surface, but two people in particular won't let me act like nothing's wrong. Zack is one of the people I have to watch out for. He's the one who ends up with me the most, always there with his stupid understanding looks and words of safety and comfort. Always there making sure that I get something to eat every day, that I can't close myself off completely. It's like he knows that I'm trying to shut myself up again. He had been saying he missed looking out for the family he'd helped escape. It's like I'm his new bloody project. And then there's Mole. Mole keeps watching me like a hawk when he can. If he's in the same room as me, I can feel him watching- giving me looks that I think mean that he's worried. Bit difficult to tell with the lizard face and all. I think he and Zack are the ones that keep covering me with a blanket every time I fall asleep on the couch at night. But I don't want to feel warm. I want to feel cold, all the way through. The beast doesn't like the cold. She likes the warmth of the fire. When I stare into it at night I can feel her contentment and I have flashes of the desert as I stare into the flames. The heat is what she likes. She's not pushing like that first night. Not trying to control me. Instead, I can feel her watching everything, assessing. Some days it feels like I'm just me again, no one else in my head. And then something will happen to remind me that it wasn't a nightmare. Like yesterday, I was walking down the street with Dalton by my side- skateboard in hand when there was a sudden loud noise. We weren't far from the fence- like two blocks away. It was strange that. Living in here, dealing with all this shit and I keep forgetting that we are in a cage of sorts, that we're trapped. The noise had been a shotgun blast- at least that was what we'd been told later. An idiot in the ever present crowd had tried to take a shot at a sentry. They missed of course but that's not the point. No, what happened was when it had gone off, my body had reacted instantly. Back when I was a kid, when I'd heard a loud noise that sounded even barely like a gunshot, I'd instinctively ran and cowered in a corner but not now. Oh no. This time I'd instantly ducked my head like some kind of animal about to pounce and I'd taken a fighting stance, my teeth bared in a silent growl. The beast was awake and alert, pushing suddenly as my heart pounded, wanting to take control and hunt the threat down. It was only when Dalton had said my name worriedly that I'd looked at him by my side. He'd backed away from me, his eyes wide as he stared. He'd repeated my name and asked if I was alright as I'd began to start thinking again. It was then that I freaked, told him I was fine and skated off. For once, Dalton had let me be, though it wasn't long before Zack had found me sat on the curb several streets away. I think it's safe to say that Zack's adopted me- or tried to. Guess I've given him an excuse to play Big Brother again. Adopted family or not, I'll be damned that I still don't hate my life right now."
Max found her in an alleyway, sitting cross-legged against a wall in the shadows with her eyes closed. The cracked concrete was still damp from the rain the day before but she didn't seem to mind. Instead, she just sat there silently, as still as she ever got. Beside her, propped against the wall was her skateboard and in her lap was what looked like a hardback notebook with a dark red cover, worn at the edges and spine. She was wearing a pair of baggy jeans, a pale blue t-shirt, her ever present sneakers and what looked like a navy hoody wrapped around her waist. It was at times like this that Erin looked like the teenager she pretended to be- her face looked younger, more relaxed. But then, Erin opened her eyes and the illusion disappeared. She stared at the brick wall before her for a moment before she turned to look at Max.
"What's up?" She gave Max a slightly bitter smirk, "Run out of guards?"
Max immediately knew what Erin was talking about- after much debate, they'd all decided to give Erin a discreet guard. If it wasn't one of the core group who could accompany her, then it was one of the few they'd handpicked for the assignment.
Max approached her with an apologetic smile before stopping in front of Erin and holding out her hand. "They're for your protection."
Erin snorted and grabbed Max's hand, allowing the transgenic to pull her to her feet before she grabbed her board and placed the small notebook in one of the large pockets of her jeans. "They're for the others' protection in case I go all killer on you again."
Max shrugged and gave her a smirk of her own, "That too." She began to walk slowly back out of the alley- her injuries still hurting her but only her speed letting it show.
Erin followed the darkly clad X5 as she made her way out onto the street. "So, to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?"
Max caught herself before she shrugged and looked at Erin from beneath her own dark hair, "I thought we could hang out some. We haven't done it for awhile."
"You're the leader of TC- it's to be expected." Erin raised an eyebrow, "So what is it? Is this where we have a heart-to-heart and discuss the problems in both our lives? Or is this where we get drunk?"
"How about we just have a couple of beers and see where it goes from there?"
It was only then that Erin realized Max was leading her towards the bar. Erin paused for a second, debating on whether she should end her friendship with Max for certain by telling her to shove her touchy feely talk stuff. Then she remembered what she knew about Max. Max hardly ever did the emotional stuff- hardly ever pried into things she shouldn't really care about. If Max could hold out an olive branch then the smart thing would be to grab it with both hands- Max was the only one barring Zack and Mole who seemed to be up to giving her a chance and seeing where this shit ended up. Maybe she should give Max a real chance too?
"You're not gonna get all shrink on me are you?" Erin asked when Max turned to look back at her, eyebrow raised.
Max's reply was a snort and to carry on walking, "What the hell d'you think?"
Erin allowed herself to smirk back, "Good point."
They made their way to the bar in silence.
As usual, the warehouse was averagely full- once jobs were finished, soldiers of all ages made their way to the warehouse whether to drink and/or play depending on age, this place was most definitely a hit.
When they entered the site of Erin's interrogation, silence fell for a moment, the music in the background the only thing to be heard- some pre-pulse tune with a guy singing about looking at photographs or something. Erin found it vaguely familiar. As she looked around her, her eyes took in the looks directed her way before noise started up again at Max's glare. A fair few were weary, some were openly hostile but a tiny percentage, a transgenic here and there gave her a quick smile. Despite that, Erin still felt her heart drop. Too many glares. Too much fear. Of course they wouldn't like her being here. They didn't openly trust her anyway and now that she'd fallen out with the leaders… Erin turned to leave but Max's sudden strong grip on her arm stopped her. She looked up at Max and was greeted by a reassuring smile.
"You go grab us a table" Max nodded at the bar, "I'll get us a couple of beers."
Despite herself, Erin felt her feet obeying and carrying her over to an empty table in a corner. It wasn't for privacy- transgenic hearing ruined any chance of a private conversation if they truly wanted to listen, it was because Erin didn't feel like having her back to a room full of highly trained soldiers who felt betrayed by her decision.
Erin propped her chair back on it's back legs, the back of the chair resting against the wall as she surveyed the room. They weren't watching her but they were aware. If it wasn't for this new thing inside of her, she wouldn't have noticed the way they kept their fronts or sides facing her more often than not. She wouldn't have noticed that sometimes, their eyes flicked over to her, their shoulders slightly tensed, ready for action. But this thing WAS inside of her and she was aware and she knew in some part of her that something was dying with this awareness. Yet another part of her was closing itself out simply because another part of her appeared to have woken up- a part she didn't want to exist and never wanted to begin with.
Just then, Max appeared at the table, hooking a chair next opposite her with a foot as she placed her two beer bottles on the scarred tabletop before slumping down into the chair in a way that, with anyone Ordinary would've been sloppy, but she made the movement graceful.
Erin watched the X5 as they both picked up their beers- Erin rolling the bottle between her palms as Max took a single swig of hers, turned to look at the room and cleared her throat. "Did I ASK you to eavesdrop on my girlfriend time?" She raised an eyebrow in that haughty way of hers as a few of the soldiers had the grace to look a bit sheepish. "Jeez! She's not gonna launch herself across the table and beat me to death with her beer!" There were a few mutters, probably saying that she could possibly do exactly that. Erin couldn't help a small smirk at that before Max yelled out loudly "Mind your own!" before turning back to Erin and grinning. "Why were we hear again?"
"Did you mean that?" Erin had to ask as she watched most- but not all, of the soldiers go back to whatever it was they were doing before they entered. "You still consider me a friend?"
Max sighed exasperatedly and rolled her eyes, "If I didn't mean it, I wouldn't keep saying it. Sure, you're a bit weird in your Britishness and all, and you have this sometimes weird sense of humour, but hey, I was raised in a lab- can't really throw stones or whatever." Max took another swig of her beer, "Each to their own I guess, and you're one of us, whether you had your own test-tube or not."
Erin took that in with a nod, not really believing her, but not wanting to argue the point either. She'd never feel like one of them. She knew that now- the changes within her just emphasising how very different she was from them. From a whole different world- couldn't get much different than that could she?
"So…" She took another drink, her eyes on the transgenic before her, "What was it you wanted to talk about?"
She still felt so very tired. Her life seriously sucked right now, and she couldn't see it really improving unless she suddenly found a way back home.
"I want you to tell me what's on your mind, Erin." Max grimaced at the way she sounded, "I mean, I want you to tell me what it is that's had you brooding more than usual. Didn't ya know that that's my gig?"
"Ah, you don't' wanna listen to my inner musings, Max. It'll get you all depressed and no one needs the leader of TC to be thinking about anything other than the running of the city." Erin leant her head back against the wall as she started to pick at the label on her bottle with her thumbnail.
"Erin" Max gave her an insulted look, "I'm a genetically enhanced super solider with a higher IQ than the average Norm and no junk DNA. Plus, I'm a woman. Don't you think I can multitask?"
Erin paused. She did have a point. "You want to know what I've been thinking about?" Her chair legs hit the floor with a thud, "I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be in this world, in Seattle, in Terminal City. Hell, I should've even be in this time! While I have been here, I've been beaten up and I've turned into a killer, I've killed over 20 people gleefully, lied to the people I consider my friends, and I've fallen out with my boyfriend. I've tried to commit suicide, the world's been told I'm a transgenic, and oh yeah, I STILL don't know why I'm here or how I can get back."
Erin stared at Max, her blue eye challenging her to say something that'd help or make it seem worse. Either one would be difficult to do given the situation. "No matter what I do, things get worse."
"But you're not alone," Max said quietly, not taking her eyes from Erin's as she swallowed, "And while you're in this world, I swear to you-" Max reached forward and took the hand that wasn't holding onto the bottle of beer. "I swear" Max repeated vehemently, "you will never be alone."
"It doesn't matter- things are just getting more complicated. All I have is questions that never seem to be answered and I have no clue how I go about sorting this mess out."
Max considered the situation for the hundredth time. "My whole life has been full of questions, Erin. But I figure, no big deelio. That's what life is- a puzzle, and the only time we find out all the answers, is when we leave it." Max thought back to her life after Manticore- moving to Seattle, meeting Logan, searching for her family. And that was all before she'd found out she had some bigger purpose she was designed for- whatever the hell that was. "I'm not a religious person- besides my stint with the Blue Lady, I left the whole belief department to Ben. But there is one thing I do believe in" She forced a smile that came across as sad around the edges. "I believe that it'll all come out in the end. This may not be like in the movies or TV" Max looked down at the scarred tabletop- not seeing Erin open her mouth and quickly shut it again. "But I wouldn't be surprised if this whole thing got revealed in one big moment, where everything makes sense."
Erin looked down at the table, attempting to read the graffiti scratched into it's aged surface before abruptly giving up again. She closed her eyes briefly, and it could've been the light of the room but Max could've sworn her eyes were shinier than usual.
"I.. I just… I just want to go home." Erin looked into the bottom of her bottle, swirling the amber liquid round and watching the light dance with a mind of it's own.
And that was when it happened. It was then that Max just sat back, watching the girl before her and realized how much like them she truly was. Erin was an enigma wrapped up in an enigma. She had so many layers, so many different reactions to things, she was a maze of contradictions. Maybe that was what Alec had found so attractive about her. She was as complex as them, had so much baggage, so many layers that she was a mystery. She was a human chameleon. So many colours, so many faces- it was difficult to decide which was the real one. Max had always thought that Ordinaries were simple. Easy to understand in their ways as she mimicked them, as she hid beneath their cover. But here Erin was, human, well, sort of, yet she was like them too. She had a bad history, had gone through things she shouldn't have gone through, that no one should have gone through. She had trust issues and there were so many things she was trying to understand.
"You're like me in so many ways" Max murmured, looking at Erin in a whole new light yet again, "We're both on the edge, on the outside looking in, trying to comprehend, trying to fit, yet not quite managing it."
Erin looked up at Max, a questioning look in her eyes but she remained silent, waiting for Max to finish her thoughts as she watched the transgenic watching her. Examining her with a whole new light of understanding in her eyes.
"I'm a transgenic, yet I'm an '09er- I'd put a wall up between what I was and what I could pretend to be, now I'm trying to reclaim what I am, I'm trying to understand what it's like to be a transgenic. Yet, here we all are- transgenics, all trying to find a way to fit in the Ordinary world. To fit in with the humans." She looked down at their hands, side by side on the tabletop. Her small tanned hands- the hands of a soldier. And Erin's hands- small, pale- the hands of a fighter, a survivor. So different, yet the same in so may ways.
"And here you are- an Ordinary, trying to fit in with us freaks yet at the same time, I can guess you've been trying to fit in to the Ordinary world back home too- after what happened…." She looked up at Erin again, "we're both trying so hard to do what's right."
"Yet some days" Erin gave her a sad smile, "it feels like we're losing sight of who we really are as we try to be who we think we should be."
Max nodded, "Yep, it's like that every damned day."
"And it never seems to get any easier" Erin finished as she took another drink.
Max smirked, "I guess we're both screwed, huh?"
"Don't think that." Zane's voice snapped Alec's head around, his whole body tensing with the action as he leaned on the wall on the roof of the parking garage.
"Think what?" Alec knew his eyes were cold, hard as they stared the soldier down. For his part, Zane didn't flinch, didn't back down as he softly closed the stairwell door behind him, not turning his back, not making any threatening movements either.
"Think that it's your fault Erin said what she said." Zane moved over to the edge of the roof, to the left of Alec, not getting too close. His injuries were pretty much gone now- his black eye had disappeared overnight, his dislocated shoulder had been popped back in though it still ached a bit. The worst thing that was hurt was his pride. The whole time Jondy had been fixing him up, she'd been giving him a lecture about how he still hadn't learnt not to shoot his mouth off. Zack had simply stood in the background, arms folded, glaring. That had been enough. He'd made a mistake and he knew it. Now, he had to repair the damage he'd done.
"She wants to die" Alec turned back around, hands pressed flat to the wall, his shoulders slightly hunched.
"Does she?" Zane too, turned to look out over the city, "maybe at first, maybe when she came back here. But think about it- what would you do in her situation? It's a reaction, Alec. Her head's all fucked up and she doesn't know how to deal with it all."
"Sure she does" Alec glared ahead of him, his jaw clenched, "she wants to die."
"She wants to leave you" Zane replied, forcing himself to remain still as he felt Alec's cold gaze back on him, "That's what you're thinking, right? You're thinking she wants to leave you?" He wondered in the back of his brain if it was the right thing coming to Alec when he was like this. He wondered if the rumours were true about how good Alec was as a solider. He wondered if his eyes held that same cold look whenever he got that angry yet at the same time, he wondered why he didn't care if they did.
"Wanting to die and wanting to leave me are kinda the same thing" Alec's tone was sarcastic yet there was steel there, hidden beneath the surface just like the X5 facade.
"No, they're not." Zane sat down on the wall, his back to the city as he thought about it, thought about the girl he'd thought he knew. He had to get Alec to see what the others were already beginning to see. He had to make things right between them and the only way he knew he could, was to help him understand Erin. "Right now, Erin needs stability- she doesn't have it so she tries to take herself out of the picture. She's alone- or feels it. She's changed, she's killed. She feels she's either a threat or a pawn in this war- maybe both. Her reaction is so glaringly obvious, even an Ordinary would get it." He refrained from pointing out that it took Jondy's lecture to get this through his own thick skull.
"I get that!" Alec protested, straightening up and glaring down at the ground, his jaw gritting and his eyes flashing.
"Do you?" Zane held up his hands when that glare turned back on him, "Just… just think about it from our point of view. Analyse the situation, then think about it from Erin's point of view- emotional, scared. Use all the psychological crap they taught us at Manticore. Just… just think about it alright?"
Zane took a deep breath and looked down at his scuffed boots, "I was wrong about what I said about her, alright? She isn't a traitor." His eyes wandered to Alec, grey eyes met unreadable hazel and he forced himself to continue, "She's just scared and she wants it to end. She wants the control back and right now, the only real control is whether she stays or leaves, whether she lives or dies."
"She hates not being able to control her emotions" Alec's gaze softened a fraction, "She's like one of us- she's got such a grip on how she feels, that when that control slips…"
"Exactly," Zane knew Alec was starting to really listen to him, "She can't help but go to extremes to get even some degree of that control back."
"That's all she's doing, man. She's just trying to make sense of it all."
They were both silent for a long time after that, looking out onto the freak city they'd claimed as their home.
Finally, Alec broke the silence with a sigh as he looked down at the wall, "Why does everything have to end with me being more screwed up than before?"
"Hey" Zane edged closer and chanced a smile, "If it's any consolation, I think it's a transgenic thing. Do you have any idea how long it was before Jondy and I hooked up? Years, man, years!"
Alec gave him a small smirk in response, "You do realize that, though this means I'm talking to you again, it doesn't mean I still don't think you're a dick."
"Is this the bonding bit over then?"
"Yeah, let's move on from the chick-flick moment and go grab us some beers before I need to get back to running you girls." Alec grabbed Zane's arm and dragged him towards the stairs.
She sat in the dark, again craving isolation and a place for her to simply sit and brood. She'd never truly realized how much that she did that- sit in a corner or some secluded spot and think of how her world had been screwed up this time. So she was pessimistic? It's not like her life was a fairytale. Nah, it was just a fucked up TV show that They hadn't allowed to continue on. Was Max right? Even if the girl didn't know that this place was a TV show, would it end in a similar way? Would all the questions be answered in some neat and direct way? All loose ends tied up, a happy ever after or death and peace? She didn't think so. Erin got the horrible feeling that it'd all end in a horrible bloody mess that would finally push her over the edge if she wasn't nearly there already. Was she insane yet? She had no idea. What did one use to truly self diagnose the symptoms of insanity? Her head was hurting. Stupid brain and it's stupid thought processes. Why couldn't she just sit here and think of nothing? She knew some people back at her college did it. They got this glazed look in their eyes that had been perfected early on as soon as they'd entered secondary school all those years ago at the age of 11. The teachers were either unable to read into the overall blankness in the expressions of over half their pupils each class, or they simply didn't give a shit. The more Erin thought about it, the more she figured it'd be something else- that they saw it, understood it and had simply given up caring after those first few stupidly optimistic months of believing that they could actually make a difference to young and impressionable minds. Ah, the British education system. What a joy that was.
Erin looked down and examined rough hands that used to be covered in ink stains and had held both pen and guitar. Hands that had killed only days ago.
Erin sighed. It always came back to that. She had killed, had extinguished life forces and ended years of life. But, she had to keep reminding herself that they were evil people right? They were going to kill everyone here and they delighted in the torture and death of so many people. Another part of her brain questioned if she'd be asking these questions if they'd killed Max or any of the others, while another part questioned if she'd not killed them, would there have been another way that wouldn't have ended in the blatantly probable death of the transgenic leader? She couldn't think of another way out of the situation. Maybe Max would've made some daring heroic move or sacrificed herself so the others could shoot the Familiars like fish in a barrel. But Max would've still been dead. There was nothing else Erin could think of, nothing she could've done that would've changed the situation any except for knocking everyone out and then where would they be? Would the beast have made her kill her friends? Would she have run out into Seattle and killed some other hapless victim that had nothing to do with war and blood? Erin was smart but she wasn't transgenic smart. So, there she sat- at the same table Max had left her at in the bar a couple of hours ago, craving isolation in both her mind and body. Things were a little quieter there now, though not by much, but that didn't matter to her. She was sat in shadow, a half empty bottle of beer by her left hand, her head back against the wall and only two feet of the chair touching the floor as she leaned back, her eyes closed. Right then and there, the bar didn't exist, and her brain wouldn't let her think of anything but the feel of bones snapping like brittle ice beneath her hands and blood spraying her body like warm phantom rain.
Her brow creased as her brain supplied images, flashes of the fight in the garage that made the Beast purr and the words 'Good kill' spoke in her head in her own voice but lower, surer, smoother.
Erin jerked upright in her chair, the legs thudding to the floor as she rubbed the bridge of her nose with her thumb. She had a voice now? The Beast could talk? Great, just what she needed. She felt sick and she could tell the Beast was smiling but it remained silent.
Erin slammed back her bottle of beer and chugged what was left of it down quickly.
Her eyes flicked to the door as it opened, and her grip on the bottle tightened as she recognised Alec and Zane as they made their way to the bar. Suddenly the bar wasn't a good place to be. Her eyes travelled over Alec as he made his way to the bar. Booted feet moving silently over the dusty floor, combat style jeans covering long lean legs, a dark grey t-shirt, battered brown leather jacket. Her heart sped up as Alec turned away from the guy behind the bar to lean with his elbows against the scarred surface as he said something to Zane, his lips moving into a small smile.
Her throat hurting and her vision blurry, Erin slammed the empty bottle onto the table and rubbed her eyes as she stood up. She had to get out of there. She couldn't sit in the same room as him and watch as he finally spotted her, giving her that look of disgust and betrayal.
Her head down, Erin moved away from the table and towards the door, walking quickly as her hair shielded her face from the bar.
She knew the instant that Alec spotted her, the feeling of his gaze travelling over her as familiar as breathing and she sucked in oxygen as her lungs decided to freeze before she was out of the door and into the cold damp air of Seattle's Terminal City. God, how could she live like this? Seeing him and knowing he wasn't hers anymore? As she made her way through the streets with no destination in mind, Erin felt her broken heart crack just that little bit more and wondered if heartbreak could kill her where a jump from the space needle couldn't.
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The tune mentioned in the bar scene is Nickelback's 'Photograph'
A/N: I always seem to be apologising for taking so long to get a chapter finished. I think I can safely say I'm never gonna be as fast as I used to be with updating. My writing style has changed and thanks to that, so has my speed. I sit there at my computer for hours just trying to get a few paragraphs finished. Now, don't get me wrong- I still know exactly where I want to go with this fic, it's just putting it down on paper that's the pain in the arse.
Kayla McGowan: Thanks! I know what you mean about dealing with suicide. It's incredibly difficult to come to terms with and it's right up there with dealing with serious grief. Hopefully soon, the chapters will begin to get lighter and less depressing.
Sadi: Thanks Sadi, I'm glad you like it.
gold stranger: You think this is messed up? Wait for one particular chapter I have planned later on. Definitly dark and angst Alec on the way.
MoonAngel23: It's not just real life- it's writers block. I know exactly where I want this story to go, it's just getting into the right mindset to write it is the problem. I'll sometimes sit in front of the computer for an hour just trying to write a sentence lately. It seems that my writing style has changed so dramatically from when I first started this story, that it's getting harder to put what I want onto paper.
Hyperlite.ho: You like it that much? Very cool! I still find it weird that people like my writing so much. I originally started posting because my friend dared me too. Let's hope the story doesn't take another 3 years, cos there's 1 more afterwards and I don't want it to take 9 years!