Author's Note: I tried so desperately not to continue this, but it's Oakeneye's fault. Oh well…

Actually it was fun to write, so thanks for the inspiration. And who would ever think that Vetinari could be so dirty-minded…? I've had to up the rating on the story just because of that conversation.

Heehee.

Dave looked up as the bell above the door rang and tried to arrange his features into a friendly smile as the Watch Corporal sidled in. "Alright, Nobby?"

"Alright, Dave. My magazine in yet?"

"Yeah, here you go." He handed Nobby a copy of 'Conspiracy Monthly'. "It's a bumper issue this month; they're featuring the ten conspiracies the government don't want you to know about."

Nobby grinned. "Great."

Dave leaned over the counter. "Have you heard about the new one they're bringing out?" he whispered.

Nobby leaned closer. "No. What's it called?"

"'It's Not a Conspiracy Monthly'; some magazine the Patrician's supposed to be sponsoring on the quiet or something. First issue is about the Sock Dance rumours."

"Yeah? What's it say about it?" asked Nobby curiously.

"That it was just some new type of aerobics the secretary was trying out."

"Yeah right, like anyone would believe that." Nobby nodded a goodbye and turned to go but a magazine cover caught his eye. He wandered over to the magazine rack and pulled it out; a huge iconograph of Commander Vimes dominated the cover. "'Pink Pages'?" he murmured. "Here, Dave, what's this?"

"So Dave says they're doing this 'Men of Ankh-Morpork' edition, and Mr Vimes is one of the men," said Nobby excitedly. "Apparently they can't get enough of him."

Sally grinned as she flicked through the pages. "Looks like he's not the only one; Angua, you do know Carrot's in this, right?"

"What?" Angua grabbed the magazine. "'With his well-toned physique and sweet-hearted nature, here's one Captain of the Watch that can take us Downtown with him any time,'" she read out. "Where the hell did they get a picture of Carrot naked?"

"He's naked?" Sally squealed. She grinned sheepishly as Angua snarled at her. "Sorry, I forgot."

"Hmm." Angua glared at her for a few seconds more than looked back at the magazine. "Have you seen who else is in this list?"

"No, who?"

"The Patrician, the Patrician's secretary, Lord Downey, that man who runs the Post Office, Igor, Leonard da Quirm, that scrawny wizard from Unseen University, Reacher Gilt--"

Sally took the opportunity to peek over Angua's shoulder at the naked Carrot picture. "Wow…"

"Stop looking at it or you'll be doing shifts with Washpot for the next month—Igor, that pasty wizard with the glasses, that student he's always hanging around with, William de Worde--" Angua continued. "—Igor, and your friend Otto."

"So I'm not in there then?" asked Nobby glumly.

"Nobby, it's a magazine for gay men; do you really want to be here?"

Nobby shrugged. "It'd be nice." His eyes widened as Sally started to grin at him. He waved his hands frantically. "Not like that!"

"But don't you cross-dress?" asked Sally.

"Who told you that?"

"Everyone."

Nobby sniffed. "It's true that I like to express my feminine side once in a while but that doesn't mean that I'm…y'know."

"Gay?"

"Yeah. I mean no. I mean--"

Sally's grin grew wider. "Because it'd be awfully easy to think you were what with the wearing dresses and bringing in gay magazines to work and everything."

"But I'm not!"

"Are you sure?" She leaned closer. "Are you really sure?"

Nobby glared at her. "I'm going to talk to Fred now," he said coldly. He quickly scurried over to the relative safety of the other side of the room.

Angua snorted. "You can be such a bitch sometimes."

"Coming from you, sergeant, that's practically a compliment."

"Sir?"

"Yes, Carrot?"

"It's almost time for your meeting with Lord Vetinari, sir," said Carrot. "You'd better leave soon or you'll be late."

And we wouldn't want that, thought Vimes. "Actually I'm a bit busy right now. Um…why don't you go for me?"

Carrot frowned slightly. "But I went yesterday, sir. And the day before that. And the day before that. Lord Vetinari did specifically ask for you to visit today, sir."

I bet he did. "I would but I have so much to do--"

"He told me to tell you that if you said that then he's got a number of extremely fulfilling positions you could occupy at the Palace instead, sir."

Oh…bollocks. "Oh alright then," grumbled Vimes. His face brightened. "Why don't you come with me anyway, as a chaper—as Watch Captain?"

"But I am Watch Captain." The frown deepened. "Aren't I?"

"Exactly; and that's why you'll be there, Carrot."

Sally sighed as she flicked past the place where the picture of Carrot used to be; Angua had torn it out before she could stop her. Can't stop me from reading the accompanying story though, can she? Sally thought to herself. Her mouth dropped open as Story-Carrot began to something quite intriguing to Story-Vimes. "Wow…"

"Hello, Lance-Constable Humpeding, is Sam here?"

"Hmm?" Sally looked up into the smiling face of Sybil Vimes. "What? Oh…um…" she looked over at the Signing-In Book. "…No, he's gone for a meeting with the Patrician."

"Oh? Do you know when he'll be back?" asked Sybil.

Sally shrugged. "Pretty soon, I'd guess; he doesn't spend much time at the Palace now days."

Sybil smiled. "Okay, well when he gets back could you please tell him—why is Sam's picture in that magazine?"

"What? Oh, this? It's nothing," Sally tried to pull the magazine into a drawer but Sybil grabbed it before she had a chance.

Sybil managed to read a few words before her smile disappeared completely. "Why are Sam and Carrot…?"

"It didn't actually happen!" Sally explained hurriedly. "And no-one's saying it did! It's just a gay magazine where they feature fictional—fictional—stories about men having sex with other men. Even if they don't usually. Um."

"I see…" said Sybil slowly.

"Please don't tell Mr Vimes I was reading it," begged Sally. "I'm still in trouble for spying on the Watch and if he finds out he'll stick me on patrol with Visit; and he keeps trying to consecrate me with Holy Water. That stuff really stings, you know."

Sybil took a deep breath. "I'll tell you what I'll do; I won't tell Sam about this, but I am taking your magazine. You shouldn't be reading it on duty anyway."

"Thanks, Mrs Vimes."

Sybil shoved the offending magazine into a bag and hurried back to the carriage waiting outside. "People can be so silly sometimes," she chuckled to herself. "Thinking Sam would do that…so silly." She glanced at her bag, lying on the seat beside her. "Still…"

The carriage quickly made its way to Scoone Avenue and Sybil disembarked. "Did you have an enjoyable time, my lady?" asked Willikins politely.

"Yes, thank you, Willikins." Sybil paused. "Um…I shall be upstairs catching up on my correspondence; don't disturb me unless it's important."

"Yes, my lady."

Sybil made her way up to the bedroom that she and Sam shared, threw her coat and bag onto the bed and sat down at her desk, pulling out a piece of paper and a pen. 'Dear Roberta,' she wrote. She stopped suddenly and looked at her bag.

"You're being silly, Sybil," she muttered to herself. "It's just a story, it doesn't mean anything." But still, she thought, it's a story about Sam. "Maybe if I just read until the end of that story…"

"So, Vimes, would you say that you are fully satisfied in your current position?" asked Lord Vetinari innocently. "Because you haven't come to our daily meetings lately and your satisfaction is something that is very important to me."

Vimes focused his gaze on the usual spot on the wall above the Patrician's head. "I can assure you that I am, sir."

"Capital. But your performance recently has aroused certain…suspicions."

"Sir?"

"With regards to your level of happiness in your work, Vimes. Of course if your current position no longer pleases you then I'm sure I can find others you may find more pleasurable." Vetinari smiled. "In fact I'm thinking of several right now."

Bastard. "Thank you, sir. But I'm comfortable where I am."

"Are you sure? Because I would be more than happy to accommodate you here at the Palace."

"No thank you, sir." Vimes groaned inwardly as Vetinari gave him a seductive look. He glanced over at Carrot, who was standing perfectly to attention; how could he not notice this? Vetinari was practically offering to give him a lap-dance right there and then!

"Hmm, very well." Vetinari looked down at the notes on his desk. "I see you managed to arrest 'Gripper' Hoskins yesterday, Vimes."

"Yes sir."

"Mr Vimes arrested him personally, sir," added Carrot. "Gripper put up a bit of a fight but Mr Vimes wouldn't stop until he got his man."

"Really? How interesting. So you managed to keep it up then, Vimes? Despite the pounding Mr Gripper I hear gave you?"

Vimes glared at the wall. "Yes sir."

"He was very brave, sir," said Carrot. "Gripper kept coming at him but still Mr Vimes stood firm."

Oh gods, now they're both at it. Carrot, shut up, Vimes hissed mentally.

Vetinari looked Vimes up and down slowly. "Commendable. Although by engaging in a tussle with Mr Gripper it could be construed that you ended up playing right into his hands."

"Wouldn't dream of it, sir," Vimes spat through gritted teeth.

"But wouldn't such aggressive tactics in the pursuit of a man result in something of a messy situation?"

"Oh no, sir; Mr Vimes always knows how to make them come quietly," said Carrot.

"What an interesting image that conjures up," Vetinari smiled again. "Tell me, Captain, do you find being under Commander Vimes an exciting experience?"

"Oh yes, sir," Carrot answered enthusiastically. "It can be very fulfilling."

Vimes' glare at the wall intensified. Perhaps he should've explained the situation to Carrot after all…

"Yes, I imagine it would be." Vetinari's smile widened and he gave Vimes a predatory stare. "You know, whenever I've found myself hard at it and coming up against some stiff competition I've always been stimulated by the thought that the Commander has no trouble rousing his men to greater heights."

Vimes sighed. This was going to be a long meeting…

Sybil lay back on the bed and fanned herself with her hand. My goodness, she thought, those stories are so…enthralling.

She'd looked back at the magazine and opened it at a dog-eared page. She'd been rather shocked at first at just how many men her husband had been paired with in its pages. The first story, the one with him and Carrot, had proved somewhat uncomfortable reading but it was like witnessing a coach crash; you should look away but you just can't help yourself. And before she knew it, she'd read every story in the magazine, getting more and more surprised with how much she enjoyed each paragraph before finally finding that story.

The one about Sam and Havelock.

She was reasonably sure that Havelock wasn't gay; despite his apparent self-enforced celibacy with regards to the fairer sex he'd never struck her as that type. Plus there were those rumours about him and Lady Margolotta to consider. And she knew that Sam had never once expressed anything but rage and frustration with regards to the Patrician. But the story had somehow managed to turn Sam's anger and Havelock's iciness into something else entirely. And it was something she felt rather guilty about, but the thought of the two of them locked in a passionate embrace was rather exciting…

She sighed happily and began to read the story again.

Vimes kicked viciously at a rolled-up newspaper as he stamped out of the Palace.

"Something wrong, sir?" asked Carrot with concern. "You seem a bit angry." He thought about it then added. "…er."

Vimes turned to glare at the Captain and snarl a reply but sighed when he saw Carrot's good-natured expression. "Carrot, did you really not notice anything strange in that meeting?"

"Like what, sir?"

"Like Vetinari--" Vimes grimaced. "—coming onto me."

"Oh that. Yes, I noticed."

"You did?" Vimes gave him a surprised look. "How? Why didn't you say anything?"

Carrot shrugged. "I didn't think it'd be polite. Anyway, it would've been pretty difficult not to have noticed; his Lordship does have quite the vocabulary, doesn't he?"

"Yes he does," said Vimes gloomily. "Hang on, you don't seem to mind though; don't dwarfs frown on that sort of thing?"

Carrot grinned. "Oh no, sir. What ever gave you that idea?"

"Well, the attitude to Sonkies--"

"That's different, sir. Interfering with--" Carrot blushed slightly. "—procreation like that, it's against the teachings. But well, you know how all dwarfs sort of look male…?"

"So you're saying that accidents happen?" asked Vimes slowly. This was certainly news to him.

"Not accidents, necessarily, more like misunderstandings. It's just that when the first step in courting is usually finding out the gender of your…friend, sometimes when you find out that they're actually the same gender as you, you already love them enough so that it doesn't matter," Carrot explained. "We dwarfs can be rather practical about that sort of thing."

"Oh." Vimes gave Carrot a sidelong glance. "So have you ever…?"

Carrot gave him a friendly smile that revealed nothing. "Ever what, sir?"

"Have you ever--" Vimes stopped as he saw a large group of people clustered around the doors of Pseudopolis Yard. "What the hells going on?" He elbowed his way to the front and came face to…face with a large poster of a naked Captain Carrot. "And what the hell is that?"

"…."

"Carrot, why is there a naked picture of you on the door?"

"…!"

Vimes looked around as there was a loud crash behind him; Carrot lay sprawled on the cobbles, his normally pale complexion glowing with acute embarrassment. As he looked at the fainted man with surprise, several people in the crowd squealed and surged forward at the watchmen.

"Detritus!" screamed Vimes as they began to tear at his clothing. "Detritus!"

Vimes glared at remnants of the poster on his desk then looked up so he could direct the glare at the assorted watchmen assembled in his office. "Detritus has finally managed to disperse the crowd," he said coldly. "So who would like to explain? Corporal Nobbs?"

Nobby shifted uncomfortably at this unwanted attention and decided to stick to a tried and true tactic. "Sir?"

The glare intensified. "Don't play dumb with me, Nobby," snapped Vimes. "I know this is your fault, all I need to know is how."

"I dunno what you're talking about, sir."

"Fine; Lance-Constable Humpeding?" Sally gave the Commander a panicked grin. "Explain. Now."

"I don't know--" Sally stopped when she saw the vein in Vimes' forehead begin to throb alarmingly; that was always a bad sign. "None of us put the poster up, sir."

"I've already worked that out for myself, Lance-Constable; I'm not in the habit of hiring suicidal watchmen. How did it get there?" Vimes nodded as Angua padded into the office. "How's Carrot?"

"Igor said he got a bang on the head when he fainted like that but he seems to have gotten over the initial shock," said Angua. "He probably won't stop blushing for a month though." She gave the poster an inquiring look. "What's that doing there?"

"You recognize this?" Vimes held up a scrap of the torn paper then reconsidered when he saw which bit of the picture he'd picked up. "I mean obviously you'd recognise tha--" Sally and Nobby started to grin despite themselves. "—you've seen this poster before?"

Angua nodded. "Yes, it was in a magazine that…a suspect brought in earlier," she replied with barely a hesitation.

Vimes glanced at Nobby. "A suspect brought this in?"

"Yes sir."

Vimes tried not to grin at the Sergeant's refusal to turn in an obviously guilty colleague, even if it was just Nobby. Suddenly his eyes widened as a worrying thought occurred to him. "What magazine?"

"Oh, um…The Pink…something, I think."

"'Pink Pages'?" Angua nodded and Vimes groaned. "Oh gods, who else saw it?"

"Just us, sir."

"…and your wife," added Sally quietly.

Vimes' eyes widened so much they were in danger of escaping his face entirely. "My wife saw it?" he asked in a choked voice. "Did she read it?" Sally nodded. "Oh gods, I'm getting divorced, aren't I?" He pushed his chair back, began to hit his forehead on the table and make moaning noises. It'd been a very trying day.

"Well, she didn't seem angry about it, sir," said Sally reassuringly. "Just…surprised."

The banging paused. "Funny surprised or angry surprised?"

"Um…shocked surprised," she tried hopefully.

The banging resumed.

"Sir, perhaps if you go and explain?" said Angua. "I mean, it's not as if you've done that stuff." She paused. "Have you?"

Vimes' head shot up and he subjected her to a full-on glare, but the effect was rather ruined by the piece of the poster that had stuck to his forehead. Especially when you considered which piece it was. "Of course not, sergeant," he hissed. He stood up suddenly and the watchmen stepped back hurriedly. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some things to do at home."

He pushed past them and stomped down the stairs. It wasn't until they heard him break into a run outside that they released the breath they hadn't realised they'd been holding.

"Sybil! Sybil!"

Sybil poked her head out the master bedroom as she heard her husband frantically calling for her. "Is everything all right, Sam?"

He gave her an anxious look. "I hope so. Um...Sally said you read something at the Yard today…"

Sybil smiled. "Oh, her little magazine? Yes, I read that."

"And you're not angry?"

"Why would I be? It was just a story; it's not like you've actually done any of that."

Vimes let out a sigh of relief.

"I actually found the idea of it rather attractive."

His jaw dropped. "W-what?"

Sybil grinned. "I said that the idea of you being with another man was rather attractive." She sighed happily. "It's so…"

"Unlikely?" asked Vimes incredulously. What the hell was going on today? First Carrot and now Sybil? Something was deeply wrong with the world. "I know we never discussed this before, Sybil, but you do know I'm actually straight, right? I like women; men just don't do it for me. Trust me, I'd know."

"Oh I know, Sam. But it's still so exciting." She winked at him. "I mean, wouldn't you find the idea of me with another woman attractive?"

Vimes' mouth opened and shut as he considered which answer wouldn't earn him a bed in the dragon-house for the night. "…I…um…Sybil, that's different…"

"How?"

"Because it just is." Vimes shifted uncomfortably. "With two women it'd be…y'know…gentler and nicer and stuff," he mumbled.

Sybil giggled. "You obviously didn't go to an all-girls school then." She grinned at the expression on his face. "Oh, believe me, Sam, I could certainly tell you a few stories; nicer doesn't even begin to come into it half the time. And as for gentle…" She giggled again.

"Yeah, but two men? It'd be all…" he waved his hands vaguely. "…and then…you really think that's attractive?"

"Oh yes, it's so deliciously naughty; especially when the men are usually not gay--"

Vimes froze. "—Sybil, exactly which stories have you been reading in that magazine?"

"All of them, Sam." She gave him a cheeky smile. "But the one with you and Havelock was my favourite."

"Oh gods." He sank to the floor. "Why me?"

Sybil knelt down beside him. "I keep telling you, Sam, you're a very handsome man; so is Havelock, albeit in a different way. And you both do keep arguing all the time, it'd be so easy to misconstrue that as some kind of sexual tension."

"Yes, but it's not…" Vimes took a deep breath and looked up at his wife. "Sybil, I have something to tell you."

"Yes?"

"Lately Vetinari's been…flirting with me." He groaned as she gave him an excited grin. "It's not funny, dammit!"

She coughed and tried, without much success, to banish the grin from her face. "Oh course not, dear." She paused. "Did you…respond?"

He gave her a confused look. "In what way?"

"Well, did you kiss him or anything?"

"No!"

"Why not? You may have enjoyed it."

"Because I'm not--"

"You never know until you try it, Sam."

Vimes sighed; it was a losing battle. "If I did try it," he said slowly. "If I kissed him—only kissed, mind—and I didn't enjoy it, do you promise you'll stop talking about me doing…that?"

"That depends; do I get to watch?"

"Commander Vimes is here to see you again, sir."

Vetinari tried not to grin at the news; it'd been an extremely boring evening so far and he'd been itching for a chance to make Vimes squirm again. "Send him in, Drumknott." He downgraded the grin to a welcoming smile. "Commander--" The smile wavered uncertainly as he saw who was accompanying the Watch Commander. "—and Sybil; what a pleasant surprise."

Sybil returned the smile. "Havelock, it's wonderful to see you again."

"So what can I do for you both? Is there some kind of problem with the Watch?"

Vimes snorted. "Hardly. No, this is the problem. You've been flirting with me, my lord."

Vetinari gave him a carefully calculated look of bewilderment. "I have? I apologise most profusely, Commander, if my behaviour has been misconstrued as some kind of affection but--"

"Nice try, my lord, but if even Carrot's noticed it then trust me, it's obvious you're up to something," snapped Vimes. "And I'm sick of it. There's rumours about the two of us flying all over the city, I've got my own watchmen bringing that damn magazine into the Yard and now even Sybil's half-convinced we've got the hots for each other."

Vetinari's gaze flicked over to Sybil; she did seem rather flushed as she watched the two men argue. She seemed to be grinning rather dreamily too. Oh dear.

Vetinari sighed. "I admit that I've been amusing myself by pretending to have romantic intentions towards you, Commander. I shall desist immediately." He stood up and stuck out his hand. "I apologise if I have upset you unduly."

Vimes took his hand and shook it slowly. "That's not good enough."

"It's not?"

"No." Vimes gripped Vetinari's hand harder and pulled him closer. "You see, because of you, Sybil—my wife—is convinced that I am attracted to you on some subconscious level. I need to prove that's not true."

Vetinari tried in vain to extract his hand from Vimes'; damn, the man had a grip. "I can assure you, Commander, that is not necessary--"

"Oh, but it is." And with that Vimes pulled Vetinari even closer and with his free hand pulled the taller man's face down to his own.

And kissed him.

Vetinari's eyes opened wide as the Commander's lips pressed against his own. He tried desperately to suppress the urge to whip out a knife and stab him as the kiss deepened and Vimes' body pressed against his. Sybil sighed happily.

Don'tkillhimhe'simportantdon'tkillhimhe'simportantdon'tkillhimohgodsohgods…

After what seemed like an eternity Vimes finally pulled away and gave the Patrician a smirk. "There; feel anything?"

Vetinari gulped. "Yes, but I'm hoping that was just your truncheon," he said weakly.

"Well I didn't feel anything. So I assume that's sorted out then?"

Vetinari nodded quickly.

"Good. And you'll sort out that magazine's publishers?"

Vetinari nodded again, not trusting his voice to let out anything above a squeak.

Vimes gave him a calculating stare and smiled. "Right. Well enjoy the rest of your evening, my lord. Sybil, let's go home." He grabbed his wife's hand and turned to go.

"Er…Vimes?"

"Yes, my lord?"

"Did you have to be so liberal with your tongue?"

Vimes shrugged. "Sybil likes it," he said simply. Sybil turned back to the Patrician and winked.

Vetinari watched the Watch Commander and his wife leave the room and wandered over to the drinks cabinet; for the first time in years, he desperately needed a drink. As he poured himself a large brandy he glanced over at the issue of 'Pink Pages' he'd left on his desk as one of the props to wind up Vimes with. To his surprise he found he was rather looking forward to dealing with its publishers.

He downed the brandy as he realised he could still remember the feel of Vimes' body and lips pressed against his. He considered the sensation for a moment before sighing, picking up the magazine and whistling into the speaking tube on his desk.

"Drumknott, would you come in here for a moment? I have a rather urgent matter that needs attending to immediately."