Author's Note: Ahahahaha. I'm back. Sort of.

"So didn't you enjoy it just a little?" asked Sybil curiously. "You certainly seemed to be getting into it."

"Sybil, you promised me you wouldn't talk about this anymore."

"Yes, I know, Sam, and I won't but I just really want to know!"

"Okay, okay, calm down," said Vimes quickly. "You sure you want to know?"

Sybil nodded.

Vimes sighed. "Fine. It was…okay."

"Just 'okay'?"

"Look, Sybil, I really don't want to talk about this."

"Please, Sam."

"It…it…was a kiss, okay? It was…not bad to tell you the truth," snapped Vimes. "There, you happy now?"

Sybil smiled at her husband and cuddled up to him as the carriage turned a corner. "Thank you, Sam."

"And now I'm all confused."

"You are?"

"Wouldn't you be?" asked Vimes. "I just kissed another man, Sybil, and not just any man but Vetinari. And it wasn't awful." He sighed again.

Sybil grinned. "So now you're worrying about your sexuality? Honestly Sam, you always get worked up over nothing."

"I'd hardly call it noth--"

"Okay, then, answer this. Do you find Havelock attractive?"

"Er…no."

"And could you imagine doing all those things to him that those stories said?"

"Which ones?"

"Um…" Sybil tried to think of a good one. "Okay, could you do the thing to him with the feather?"

"You mean the thing where I'd…?" Vimes paled. "Oh gods, no."

"There you are then."

"But--"

"Maybe Havelock's just a good kisser, Sam." Sybil patted his leg absent-mindedly. "He certainly was when he was younger."

"What?" Vimes' jaw dropped. "You mean, you…and him? When?"

"Oh, it was a long time ago, Sam. There was an Assassin's Ball and he asked me to go as a friend and well, one thing sort of led to another." She giggled. "It was only one little kiss; I think he trying to prove something to himself to tell you the truth."

Vimes stared at her. "I…I…oh gods…"

Vetinari glared at the two men standing in front of his desk. "I want this stopped," he snapped, throwing a copy of 'Pink Pages' onto the desk. "All of these stories you're having your readers write are causing a significant amount of disruption to the running of the city."

"With all due respect, Lord Vetinari," said Mr Favisham, editor in chief of the 'Pink Pages'. "We wouldn't print these stories if our readers didn't want them in our magazine."

"Meaning?"

"If we stop publishing them, then the writers will simply go elsewhere. There are hundreds of such magazines being printed in the city."

"I thought you'd say that," said Vetinari thoughtfully. "Do you agree with Mr Favisham, Mr Donnelly?"

Donnelly swallowed nervously. "Er…he does have a point, my lord. Our readers are the ones who write the stories, we just print them. And they do seem to want you and Commander Vimes in particular to…y'know…have sex."

"Maybe if you did, the rumours would stop," offered Favisham. "If you and the Commander get down to it and give 'Pink Pages' the exclusive rights to iconograph and write about the event it might sate the public's curiosity and they'll obsess about something else."

Vetinari stared at the man in shock. "Are you suggesting," he said slowly. "That the Commander and I fornicate for the amusement of you and your readers?"

"Yes."

"I see. Drumknott!"

Drumknott quickly appeared. "Yes sir?"

"Summon the Palace Guard and have them escort Mr Favisham and Mr Donnelly to the scorpion pit, will you?"

"Yes sir."

Once the two men had been roughly manhandled from the room, much to their delight, Vetinari sat back in his chair and sighed.

"Do you know what those two said to me, Drumknott?"

"No sir."

"They actually suggested that Vimes and I have sex in front of them so they could write about it," Vetinari said glumly. "They said it would stop people wanting to hear about it if they actually got to."

"Astonishing, sir."

"The worst thing about it is that they may have a point."

"Sir?"

"I've often noticed that people tend to want that which is almost unachievable with a nearly maniacal fervour. Then once it actually does come to pass, they decide they don't want it anymore."

"Like my nephew with his pin collection, sir," said Drumknott. "He waited years to find a Clockspenny half-twist with the special emblem but as soon as he found one, it was all over with the pins and he moved on to stamps."

"Hmm." Vetinari brightened. "On the other hand, maybe if I just leave it then it might all blow over."

"Er…perhaps now may not be the best time to tell you about the new issue then, sir," said Drumknott hesitantly. "It hasn't gotten to the shops yet but Mr Favisham brought it in with him and I had a quick look through it while you were in your meeting…"

"Is it bad?"

"I, um, I think you'd better take a look at it for yourself, sir." Drumknott scurried out of the room and returned with the magazine under his arm. Vetinari took it and eyed its front cover warily.

"What page?"

"Thirteen."

With a resigned sigh he opened the magazine at the appropriate page. And stared.

Eventually he managed to find his voice again. "Drumknott, I am seeing an icono-story with Mr Favisham and Mr Donnelly dressed like the Commander and myself and performing a number of highly-explicit sex acts on one another, aren't I?"

"I'm afraid so, sir; with close-ups."

Carrot opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. "I just had the weirdest dream."

Angua smiled to herself as she brushed out her hair in front of the mirror. "Was it the one where you, Visit and Nobby form a singing cabaret group and perform at the Palace again?"

Carrot shook his head. "No. I was standing in front of the Yard with Mr Vimes and there were all these people around and suddenly I was standing naked by the front doors…"

"Oh that. Yeah, that actually happened."

"What?"

"Well, you weren't actually naked; it was a giant poster of you. Then you fainted and banged your head." She put down the brush and touched his forehead gingerly. "How are you feeling anyway?"

"A giant poster? Where from?" Carrot propped himself up on his elbows and somehow managed to frown and look panicked at the same time. "How many people saw it? How naked?""

"Yes, some gay magazine, everyone and full frontal." Angua pulled the page she'd ripped from Sally's copy out of her pocket. "See?"

The furrows in Carrot's brow deepened. "I don't remember this. When was this taken? How was this taken?"

"Last Tuesday, remember? You started doing naked push-ups beside the bed and I made fun of you and bet you two dollars that you wouldn't do naked star-jumps instead…" she grinned and pointed to the picture. "That's my knee, there. They managed to angle the iconograph so I was almost completely hidden by that cupboard."

"Why would they want to do that?"

"Well, it is from a gay magazine, Carrot."

"Yeah, but when you're…I think you look…" he blushed. "…y'know…beautiful and stuff…"

Angua smiled; sometimes Carrot could be so lovably dense. "Thanks, but I don't think they share your liking for the female body."

"I suppose not. How did they take that picture anyway?" asked Carrot. He glanced out of the window. "Did they stand on the Opera House roof or something?"

"Apparently."

"Oh. Why would they want to do that?"

"They probably needed a picture to go with that story about you and Vimes," said Angua, looking at the picture again. "I'm thinking of getting this framed."

"What story?

"Hmm?"

"Angua, what story?"

Angua waved a hand dismissively. "Oh, just some story about you and Mr Vimes being secret lovers or something. You have this crush on him and seduce him; it was actually quite good."

"Oh. Did…um…did Mr Vimes read the story?"

"I think so, why?"

Carrot shook his head. "I just wondered." He smiled.

"So the Commander just marched in there and kissed him?" asked Clerk Brian excitedly. "Did you see it? What was it like? Did his Lordship look like he was enjoying it?"

"I didn't see it," said Drumknott. "But yes, Vimes just walked in there and laid one on him."

"I can't believe I missed it," grumbled Brian. "So what was his Lordship like when you went in there? Was he trembling with desire for the Commander?"

"No. I do think he was trembling with shock though."

"Shocked because of the unbidden lust that was rising up in his loins?"

Drumknott stared at him. "Rising up in his--? You've been reading that magazine again, haven't you?"

"No." Brian tried to hold back his smile but couldn't quite manage it. "…Yes. Have you seen this month's issue?"

"Yes, and so has his Lordship, so keep out of his way, okay?" said Drumknott. "He's in a filthy mood."

"Filthy as in he can't stop thinking about that kiss?"

"No; more like he's considering personally flaying alive anyone who reads or writes that magazine."

Brian sighed. "It's such a shame. He and Vimes would make such a cute couple."

"Cute? Them?"

"Just think about it, Rufus. Lord Vetinari is so calm and controlled but Vimes is so rough and rugged. The two of them would be so…" he smiled dreamily. "…I'd give almost anything to see that."

"Have I ever mentioned that I find you very strange, Brian?"

"…I mean, imagine the passion, the intensity...and you know Lord Vetinari hasn't had any for a while so he'd be practically ripping Vimes' clothes off."

"How do you know that?" asked Drumknott. "What about Lady Margolotta?"

"Oh come on, Rufus; she's in Uberwald," scoffed Brian. "Besides, unless Lord Vetinari has some very strange associations with games of chess and thud, I doubt he's going to be anything like that out of it. Then again he could be using the pieces to--"

"I don't want to know!"

"Suit yourself."

"So you really kissed Vetinari? Like on the lips and everything?"

"Where else would I kiss him, Sam?" asked Sybil. She grinned. "Actually, don't think about that."

Vimes grimaced. "Too late."

Sybil snuggled up to him and rested her head on his chest. "So did you think about him at all during…?"

"No."

"Are you sure? You didn't even think about him because you were so busy trying not to think about him?"

Vimes shook his head in disbelief. "Sybil, do you really want me to say that I was thinking about Vetinari during sex with you?"

"Well no, but--"

"Stop talking about it then."

"So you weren't trying to prove anything?"

"Of course I was." Vimes froze. "Hang on, were you thinking about him?"

Sybil smiled. "I thought we weren't going to talk about it anymore."

"Sybil, I'm being serious."

"So am I, Sam. You can't just change the rules like that to suit you, it's unfair."

"Fine, be like that."

"I will."

Sybil waited. She didn't have to wait long.

"His beard itches," said Vimes.

"Did it?"

"And he's so cold. How can anyone be that cold and still be alive?"

"I don't know, Sam."

"He's bony too. All ribs and elbows."

"Yes I remember."

Vimes groaned. "Oh gods, I can't believe me and my wife have kissed the same man."

Sybil patted his chest reassuringly. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, Sam, you can go out and kiss another man to up your score."

"Very funny, Sybil."

"I thought so too, dear." Sybil looked up at him and grinned. "I wasn't thinking about Havelock before, Sam."

"Good."

"I was thinking about Ronnie Rust instead."

Vimes glared at her for a moment then burst out laughing. "Right, that's it. Come here--"

'Dear Havelock,

I vish you had told me of your affection for the Commander. I should have known something about you vas different; at least now I know vhy you vere so reluctant to invite me to your city…'

Vetinari put down the clacks and sighed as Drumknott handed him another one.

'Pookie,

Why didn't you tell me? I have lots of friends with eligible sons who would be dying to meet you. I don't know why I didn't guess it sooner, after all it explains so much…'

He threw the sheet of paper down onto the desk and glared at it. "I'm annoyed, Drumknott."

"Yes sir."

"I am very, very annoyed."

"Yes sir."

"I would even go as far as to say that I am furious."

"Yes sir."

Vetinari began tapping his foot against the leg of the desk irritably. "Why me, Drumknott?"

"Sir?"

"I don't understand it. Just because I'm a bachelor, living alone with nothing but a small dog and a palace full of mostly male clerks and servants to keep me company, that does not mean I'm gay."

"No sir."

"But magazine thinks I am. Half the city thinks I am. Now my aunt and my g—Margolotta think so too."

"Yes sir."

"I mean, honestly, from the way that magazine puts things, you'd think we held a daily orgy in the Great Hall."

Drumknott paled at the thought of this. "A…um…silly idea, sir."

"And those stories of theirs!" carried on Vetinari obliviously. "Just because Vimes and I disagree a lot does not mean that I secretly want him to bend me over my desk and…do things to me."

"N-no sir."

"I don't understand why Vimes wasn't paired more with Captain Carrot instead of me anyway. After all, they're both handsome in their different ways. Vimes is so rough, and the Captain is such a good-looking young man with that firm, muscular physique of his--" Vetinari stopped in mid-sentence as he examined what he had just said. He groaned. "It's because I say things like that, isn't it?"

"Possibly, sir." Drumknott took a deep breath to try and steady his nerves. "I…er…I think I may have an idea, sir."

Vetinari looked at him blankly for a moment, then leaned back in his chair and stared at him expectantly. "Well this should be interesting..."