Canderous
The flight back to Dxun took a while. The Ebon Hawk was packed; fifteen on board was too much. I was in the common area with Jennet, Visas, Ladria, Bao Dur, Jarxel, Kelborn, and Disciple. The historian was reading Rikes' diaries, mumbling things like "Fascinating" and "Brilliant" under his breath every so often, and once in a while reading aloud things he found particularly interesting. Finally, I glared at him.
"Son, I just started to really like you. Don't make me regret saying so out loud." I was giving him my stare that usually makes people walk away quickly.
Disciple didn't look afraid, but he did flush a little. "Sorry," he said, and wandered off to read where it didn't bother me.
I'd spent only a few hours in Rikes' company this time but I didn't need to read his journals to know how twisted he had been. He was a cold remorseless bastard when I knew him before; the years had made him worse. He hadn't been sane, and he had enjoyed torturing me. Before Jennet arrived, he had described in detail what he had planned on doing to her; gang rape was just the beginning.
No, I didn't regret his death, only that it had been too quick. I didn't need to hear what else he had done.
I also didn't want to read or listen to them because it was too close to what I might have become. I knew it would probably be good for me to read through them eventually. Facing down the worst of who you are, or could have been, is the best way to exorcise that part of you. I wasn't ready to yet, though. I still thought it would be better to simply destroy the journals, but maybe Disciple had a point, and some good could come of them.
Jennet was staying close to me, not speaking, even mentally. She healed the rest of my hurts without comment, and I had showered and ran my clothes through the laundry. She was following her usual pattern of getting the job done, and quietly going to pieces after. She didn't shake or throw up, much to my relief, but she was reluctant to let me out of her sight. I understood; if it had been the other way around I wouldn't have let her go to the 'fresher alone for at least a day. I let her work things out on her own; she didn't seem to need or want my reassurances, only my presence.
I also knew she was still mad at me for shutting her out. That was something that we were going to have out, eventually. I didn't regret it a bit, and she knew it. I can't protect her from most things, but I could keep her safe from the worst they did to me. I was reasonably certain she would have done the same. So I waited patiently for the eventual explosion. I knew she wouldn't want to start a fight with me in front of everyone, so I took care not to provoke her. One wrong look or word and she wouldn't care if she skinned me alive in a marketplace at high noon. I do love that about her.
The chatter around us was lively, and people were wandering in and out. I was thinking about how to get the rest of the Mandoa population to Dxun, and discussing it with Jarxel. Jennet listened for a while, then finally secure that I was safe, got up and left the main cabin. I gave her about five minutes, then followed.
I found her in the cargo hold, alone. I was surprised at that; there were people all over the small ship. But the energy coming off Jennet was such that anyone with sense would avoid her. What that said about me, I refused to think about.
"Hey, Wildcat." I touched her arm, and she turned to me with a tight smile.
"Hey yourself." She looked away.
"Do you want to yell now, or wait 'til we're back on Dxun, with soundproofed walls?"
She snorted, and glared at me. "Would it do any good?"
"Probably not. Might make you feel better, though." I eyed her. This wasn't a mood I'd seen her in before, exactly. She was mad, sure, even without our bond I could see it. But she wasn't yelling, or wanting to hit anything. She was simply seething quietly, and I wasn't sure how to deal with that.
"I'm not going to apologize for blocking you," I finally said, simply to provoke some sort of response.
"I know," she said. "I'm not mad about that."
I looked at her, surprised. "You're not?"
"Well, yeah, I am, but since I would have done the same, I'll get over it." She looked thoughtful. "I'm mad because you don't trust yourself. And by extension, me."
"What the hell does that mean?" I asked. I was not only surprised by her statement, but starting to get irritated.
"This bond we have…it lets me in your head in ways I couldn't imagine were possible," Jennet said.
I looked at her, trying to see where this was going. She wasn't blocking me, but her own thoughts were confused enough that I wasn't picking through the tangle well. So I just eyed her, not without some suspicion because I had a feeling I wasn't going to like what she had to say, and waited for her to make herself clear.
She seemed to understand that, and looked at me, straight on. "I've seen more of what you were than you think I have," she said, her brown eyes serious and troubled. "I know, I think, how far you sank into rage and despair, how close you were to going to the dark side forever." She put up a hand as I started to speak. "You can't ever be Jedi, I know, but everyone lives by the Force, whether they know it, believe in it, or not. And everyone has the choice to live by the dark or light side. Some are born evil; I really believe that. Some are born so good they're never in question as to what side they're on. Most of us get there by choices."
She looked up at me, and I realized that along with her anger, which in any case was fading, she was sad; not pity, but a deep well of compassionate sorrow. I shifted uncomfortably, and looked away. Suddenly, I wished she was just blazing mad at me; this I didn't like at all.
"You don't trust that you're a good person, a compassionate man, or worthy to be mine," she said softly. "You don't trust yourself to come through for me as I have for you, either. When I was stupid and nearly died, you blamed yourself for not being able to heal me. You're mad that you fell into Rikes' hands, and I had to come get you. And you're starting to think that when it comes to it, I don't need you, and you can't do for me what I've done so far for you."
"What makes you think that?" I growled.
"Oh, please. You're very good at burying your feelings, but I have an inside track to your head. I'm sorry if this seems like I'm exploiting it, but you're not being honest with yourself, entirely. You really are wondering what I'm getting out of it, or if I'm with you because I see you as some sort of redemption project. Well, I don't. I didn't ask to be your Mate, but I am. And if the Force chose me, it's because you deserve it, and need it. As I deserve and need you. I did the best I could without you, but I had no direction, no home, few friends, and no one that I trusted to understand. You gave me that."
"And in return, I nearly get myself killed by a Hutt, have to watch while others heal you after saving my ass, put you on trial, get you into a duel, and put you in danger because my past caught up with me," I said bitterly. "How do you deserve all that?"
She looked at me seriously. "Do you know what I thought, when I saw you in the cantina, just before I got knocked out?"
"What?"
"I thought, oh, there you are." She said quietly. "I didn't know why, but I saw you standing there, and had to get you out of the way of the plasma blast. I knew, just for that second, that you were mine, somehow. I didn't remember thinking that for a while. When you told me about Mates, I fought it at first, not because I didn't want it, but because nothing I'd tried before worked out, and I didn't want, this time, to lose that sense of belonging again. I knew, deep down, that losing you would break me."
"Having me is not helping your chances at a long and peaceful life," I said sharply. "I've been nothing but trouble, and it's not likely to stop."
"And that's where the trust part comes in," she said calmly. "You're not trusting that I want this, or that I know what is best for me. I had a pretty dangerous life before you came along, you think whatever you can get us into is going to bother me? I may not have made as many enemies, but I'm perfectly capable of getting into trouble all by myself. And I trust you to help me out of it, when it happens."
"I will," I said shortly.
"Yes. But most of all, you're not trusting that how I see you is true. I checked your aura the second I opened my eyes back on Nar Shadaa. I knew then that you had done some very bad things, but you were on the side of the Light. It's gotten brighter since, and you think it's because of me. Well, you're wrong. It's because of the choices you're making. You started making them well before you ever met me, or I wouldn't have come with you to the Ebon Hawk."
I was stumped as to what to say. I just stared at her, silent, thoughts churning around in my head. I felt her there, watching, but not commenting. I really would rather her just start yelling and throwing things at me; that I could deal with. But this sense of compassion was unnerving, and I couldn't even find the energy to get angry about it.
"Just think about it, okay?" She stood on tiptoe, and kissed my cheek. "I love you, all of you, and you deserved it from the start. That's what's true."
She left me there, staring at the wall, totally unable to respond.
After a minute, I sat down on a barrel and just thought about things. She was right, but I wasn't ready to admit it, at least not out loud. I was questioning if I was good for her, or deserved to be happy. Happy isn't an emotion I was used to anymore. I couldn't change the things I had done, and if I spent the rest of my life tracking down those I betrayed, or the families of the ones I'd killed, I wouldn't have a spare minute to do anything else. No matter what I might want to do, I could only go forward, and try to help my own people. I hoped it was enough. I realized that there were only two things that scared me now; losing Jennet, and never being worthy of her.
Maybe she was right, and I did deserve her now. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life trying to, anyway. What I didn't get was she knew what I had been, and it really didn't faze her a bit. I also realized that something like this would take time. I hoped she had patience enough for both of us.
I was about to leave when Bao Dur came in, quiet as a cat.
"Everything okay?" he asked, seeing my face.
"Yeah," I said shortly. "Just thinking."
"Sure," he said, and proceeded to check the cargo area, tightening down a load here and there. I was about to leave when I heard him make a noise of startlement. I turned around to see him step back with a look of surprise. I swiftly moved to his side, and stared.
Hiding behind some containers was a woman and young girl, looking frightened, but defiant. They had made a nest for themselves with a couple of blankets and pillows.
"What the hell - ?" I said, surprised.
"It's okay," Bao Dur said gently to the pair. "We won't hurt you."
The woman stood, keeping herself in front of the child, and spoke in a language I didn't understand. Her voice was low and raspy, barely above a whisper; I wondered if something was wrong with her vocal cords. I glanced over at Bao Dur and saw a look of pure astonishment on his face. He said something I didn't understand, and the woman relaxed a little, but still stood, protecting who I assumed was her daughter. The little girl clung to her mother's skirts. They both were a bit bedraggled and wore simple long tunics, belted with good quality leather, and sandals on their feet. Servant's clothes; I could guess where the pair of them came from.
It occurred to me that perhaps Bao Dur and I weren't the most comforting people to look at; Bao Dur was a gentle soul, but he was big and ferocious looking, and even when I'm in a good mood, I can look fairly scary. I gave the Iridonian a glance and he nodded, understanding what I was thinking.
Wildcat, I need you and Ladria in here; something's up. I gave her a mental picture of the stowaways, and felt her surprise.
On our way, she answered simply.
The woman was human, and pretty in a fierce sort of way. She wasn't tall, but stood at least eight centimeters taller than Ladria or Jennet. Her long brown hair was in a braid down her back, and she had purple eyes, a startling color, that were currently blazing at Bao Dur. Her daughter looked to be about three, and was a miniature of her mother. They both were frightened, but defiant, and it was obvious the woman was prepared to do anything to defend her child. I was impressed with their courage.
Jennet and Ladria came in, approaching with caution, friendly smiles on their faces. Bao Dur continued to talk to the woman softly. Ladria looked a bit startled at that, and looked from him to the stowaway with some confusion.
"She speaks Iridoni?" She asked in surprise.
"Looks like," the Zabrak said. "I've never met a human that does, not even you."
He said something to her again, and translated her answer. "She says she was a captive of Falken Rikes, her and her daughter. She was afraid when we attacked the compound but figured we were safer than staying, and slipped out while the battle was going on. She found our ship and came aboard, hoping they could sneak away when we got to where we were going."
"Can she speak Galactic Basic?" Ladria asked. Jennet was smiling at the little girl reassuringly, and looking at the woman, trying to project a sense of safety and calm. The woman seemed to understand, but didn't relax much.
"I can," she answered with difficulty. "But not comfortably. Rikes strangled me a month ago; it damaged my throat. Is he really dead?"
"Yes," Jennet confirmed. "He really is. Canderous," she pointed to me, "and our friend Dax killed him. He won't hurt anyone ever again. You're safe with us; no one will harm you or your daughter."
"What is your name?" Ladria asked gently. I saw the woman relax visibly; when Ladria sets out to charm, no one is immune.
"Megari Bar," she said. "My daughter is Danni."
Bao Dur looked even more confused. "How is it as humans you speak Iridoni?"
"I was raised by an Iridoni family," she said in her raspy voice. "When I was no older than Danni, my people were killed by Mandalorian raiders," at this she glared at me. "They were traveling performers, and we were on Iridon when the raiders came. I survived, and was taken in by Dahn Varda and his wife Kana. They moved to Telos to escape the ruins of their planet. I met my husband there."
"Where is he?" Bao Dur asked quietly.
"Dead," Megari said flatly. "Rikes killed him. He was a Telonian militia officer. Rikes came for revenge against the Exchange; the militia arrested him for smuggling before he could do anything. He escaped, hunted down the three officers that had taken him in to custody, and took me and Danni. We've been with him a year."
I could only imagine the hell she'd lived in for the last year, and was impressed all over again that she'd survived relatively unbroken. No one that could face down me and Bao Dur as fiercely as she had was weak. She couldn't have escaped Rikes, as remote as the estate was.
Then it occurred to me that she wouldn't really view Bao Dur as a threat, if she had been raised by an Iridonian family. I was the threat; one of the race that killed both her people, and her adopted race. Hell, it might even have been me; I was there on Iridon when the attack was made.
I took a breath, and stood straight. I looked at her, and said as non-threateningly as I could, "I am sorry for what my people did to yours."
She eyed me with deep suspicion. "I doubt that," she said scathingly.
"I don't blame you," I answered.
Bao Dur said something to her, and she looked skeptical. She answered rapidly, and he nodded. She looked at me and said stiffly, "This one says you are a friend, and you are trustworthy. Are you really the leader of your people?"
"Yes," I said simply.
"You are too young to have been so when my people were attacked."
"I took the Helm five years ago," I confirmed. "We are still a warlike people, but I'm trying to channel that to be useful, not merely destructive."
She made a disbelieving noise. "I think you have an impossible task," she observed.
"Possibly. But times are changing," I said, giving her a small smile.
"I will give you the benefit of the doubt," she said generously.
"Thank you," I said gravely. She had spirit, and I saw Jennet smile.
"What can we do to help you?" Ladria asked quietly. Megari looked at her, and shrugged a little helplessly.
"I hadn't thought beyond getting to whatever space port you docked at, and trying to find work. My parents are gone; they died just after my marriage. My husband had no family either. I'm afraid Danni and I have nowhere to go. But we're no longer slaves, and Rikes is dead, so we're better off now than we were yesterday." She gave a fatalistic shrug. "If you allow me to work for you for a time, perhaps I could earn enough to settle us somewhere?"
Ladria smiled. "How about we say you're an honored guest for now, and we'll work something out?"
"There's what we took from Rikes's estate," I pointed out. "If anyone deserves those spoils, I'd say it was Megari here."
She looked down her nose at me. "You can't buy me off," she said, regal as a queen.
"I'm not trying to," I said carefully. "But I knew Rikes, and I have an idea what he put you through. Think of it as back wages."
Bao Dur said, "I think that's fair, and I know everyone will agree."
Ladria nodded. "If Megari agrees, it's done."
"I…" she seemed at a loss for words. "That's very kind," she said finally.
"It's settled, then," Ladria said briskly. "Where would you like us to take you?"
"I don't know," Megari said slowly, purple eyes troubled. "I've only lived on Telos, but there's nothing for me there now."
"Well," Jennet said, "We're going to Dxun now. You're welcome to stay with us as long as you like. It will give you some time to think about what to do next."
"What is on Dxun?" Megari asked, curious. "Where is it?"
"It's a moon near Onderon," Jennet said. "Some of the Mandalorian survivors have a camp there. We're hoping to bring the rest of them together soon and rebuild the people."
Megari's eyes sparked. "Why would I want to live among Mandalorians?" she spat.
"Well," I said easily, "You don't have to. We can stop on Onderon first, and get you set up there. But you're welcome to stay, and I guarantee you will be treated with respect."
"Look," Jennet said with a friendly smile, "I completely understand that staying with us could be uncomfortable, even frightening, for you, and you have no reason to trust Mandalorians. But I am the Mate of the Mandalore, and I can assure you that you'll be perfectly safe and treated well. If anyone mistreats you, which is extremely unlikely, they will answer to me, or Canderous. You have my word."
Megari looked at her, and me, then at Bao Dur. She spoke again in his language, and he answered with a reassuring smile. She looked doubtful, but nodded slowly.
"I accept your hospitality with thanks," she said formally.
"You're more than welcome," Jennet said warmly, and I nodded as well.
Bao Dur touched the woman gently on the arm. "Would you like to come out and meet the rest of the crew?" he asked quietly.
She put her arm protectively around Danni, and shook her head. "I don't wish to seem rude, but this has been a bit overwhelming for us. Would it be terrible of me to stay in here for a while?"
"Of course not," Bao Dur said with a smile. "I'll bring you something more comfortable to sleep on."
"Thank you," Megari said gravely.
The four of us left, and appraised the others of the new development. I warned my men to tread carefully around the new companions, and to be on their best behavior. There were nods all around, and Jarxel looked sober.
"We're getting old, Canderous," he joked grimly. "Since when did we care if someone feared us?"
"Speak for yourself," I answered with a smile. "I still don't. But I'll think of it as a lesson in diplomatic relations. If we're to ally ourselves with the Republic, we'll need some practice."
"I hate diplomacy," he growled.
"Maybe we won't need it," Dax said helpfully. "We could let Jennet speak for us, and they'll surrender just to shut her up."
That got a laugh, and I left my men in the garage, chuckling.