Once Upon a Time During SEX:
"What do you want to do; ask Madam Pomfrey? Oy, Madam... can I get pregnant if it's not my third moon?" she mocked, then laughed. "She'll think you've gone mad." Parvarti nodded.
"I guess you're right. It just got me wondering."
"Well, pay attention to your next rag, then, won't you? You're so naïve. I'm going back to my breakfast... and my boyfriend," Padma said before getting up from the bench and stalking back to the Ravenclaw table, now sparsely occupied as students began to filter out and enjoy their last day free of classes. Parvarti left soon after her sister, leaving the Great Hall without eating much of anything by means of breakfast. Hermione stayed behind, rethinking her talk with Dumbledore. Exactly how many people believed in this 'third moon' nonsense? She needed to conduct more tests. Where better to start than her partner in crime; her comrade in conduct; the all-influential Head Boy?
Where was Malfoy when you needed him?
-x- -x- -x-
Chapter Two: For Taste of Olive Juice
Hermione burst into her dorm just before lunch with her teeth clenched and her fists furious. She had spent all of three hours looking for Draco and had seen neither hide nor hair of the big headed blond. She'd even stooped to asking help from Slytherin, which proved lost cause as they'd rather have bitten off her fingers than helped her.
It was for this reason that, when she entered to see her counterpart hanging upside down and asleep on the couch in their common room, Hermione exploded. She was shocked for a moment, mouth agape, but her rage soon boiled over. She stalked up behind the couch with heavy steps and placed her palms to the soles of Draco's shoes. Hermione pushed hard against them, causing the blonde to flip unceremoniously off the couch and land sprawled, face down on the floor.
"Bloody hell, Granger," he cursed, getting to his feet. "What in the seven circles of hell did you do that for?" Hermione was in no mood to answer any question he might pose.
"Where the hell have you been, Malfoy? I've been looking for you since breakfast!"
"Aw, I didn't know you cared," Draco said impassively, concentrating on picking invisible lint balls off his robes. Hermione stood livid a few feet away, separated by only the leather settee, but she didn't seem to faze him.
"Malfoy!" Hermione whined, nearly stomping her foot. Draco chuckled, smoothing back his hair.
"Don't cry now," he teased, earning himself a heated glare. "All right, back off. You couldn't have been looking hard; I've been here nearly the entire time. Stopped by Snape's office to ask about extra credit, met some Ravenclaw near a broom closet and was... occupied there for a bit, hm... I think that's about it," Draco told her, ticking off actions on his fingers and looking up in all innocence. "Why were you looking for me anyway, Granger?" he asked, eyeing her dubiously. Hermione dramatically rolled her eyes before taking a few steps closer to him.
"I need your help," she said, attempting to keep her frustration in check and get through the experiment as calm and quickly as possible. "I'm getting desperate." At this, Draco grinned.
"I knew this would come sooner or later. All right, Granger; tickle your pleasure: one finger or two?" he asked, holding up his index and middle fingers subsequently. Hermione made a face of disgust and slapped him lightly across the face. Draco laughed. "Three?"
"Fuck off, Malfoy; honestly, you're such a jackass."
"Purebred."
"Come on, this is important; are you paying attention?"
"Yes, yes; what is it?" he asked, crossing his arms and looking bored with the situation. Hermione sighed, preparing herself. She had decided to go against the reverse psychology technique used on Harry and Ron and just be blunt with Draco; he either knew or he didn't. There was no point in easing the blow; she didn't particularly even like him.
"Does the term 'Third Moon' mean anything to you?" Hermione asked, looking anxious for his answer. Draco, obviously surprised, stared at her.
"Of course I know what it is, Granger, who do you think I am?" he answered, and Hermione sank to the couch, holding her head. Draco smirked to himself. "Why, Granger? Is it yours? Oh, I see what this is about; fancy a few little Dramiones running around?" Completely turned off to all offense in her devastation at being the only sane person left in England, Hermione looked up at the Head Boy with a relaxed and tired expression.
"That has got to be the stupidest idea to come out of the Wizarding world, honestly; meshing the parents' names together and actually using it as a title for their offspring? Hideous. Who are your parents, Malfoy? Dracula and Olive Oil?"
"You know very well who my parents are," Draco defended, narrowing his eyes at her. Hermione didn't bother to blink. "And by the way, I've met Dracula; he charmed me."
"First you're a jackass and now you're a vampire? Will it ever end?"
"I never said I was a vampire," Draco corrected, "though you'd never know it." Hermione lifted an eyebrow at this comment.
"I'm sorry, Malfoy," she said. "But, disregarding your tendency to hide beneath a 'cloak of darkness' and the putrid smell of rotting flesh that lingers near your mouth, I'd say you've nothing in common with a vampire." Draco glared.
"I'll show you, then," he said, turning away from her. Intrigued, Hermione leaned back into the sofa and crossed her legs, waiting for him to 'show her'. Draco seemed to be attempting to lose a tooth; he held it clasped between his forefinger and thumb and jostled it once before doing the same to a tooth on the other side of his mouth. When he turned around, it seemed all his trouble had gone into fixing a dashing smirk on his lips.
"Bet that took a lot of work," she said, rolling her eyes. Draco smiled to spite her, displaying two pearly white, pointed bicuspids. Hermione was visibly surprised. "Good show, Malfoy; I'm impressed. Turned on, even; maybe we should start working on those Dramiones before my moon is lost," she suggested sarcastically and Draco frowned, looking put out. Evidently, he was hoping to get a rise. "Has that EVER worked? On anyone?" He sighed.
"Pansy," he admitted, using the pads of his thumbs to push the charmed teeth back into his gumline. "Though I don't suppose that counts, does it?"
"I'd say no to that, but hey, you could always go find her and make some Pancos and Dransys," she suggested with false enthusiasm and Draco groaned.
"Has anyone ever told you how horrendously annoying you are?" he whined, then paused as Hermione grinned. "It's intriguing," he decided, taking pleasure in the drop of her satisfied countenance. "I'd consider dating you if you weren't in cahoots with all those ruddy Gryffindor." At this, Hermione smirked.
"Oh really? What a coincidence; I'd consider it too. You know, if you weren't... well, you."
"Smooth," he said, rolling his eyes and taking a seat beside her. Hermione seemed self satisfied. "Honestly, Granger; did you spend all that time looking for me just so you could start a verbal spar?"
"As much as I'm sure you'd love the devotion," Hermione answered. "You're insane if you think I'd waste so much time."
"Me insane?" Draco asked, sounding spuriously offended. "You're the one coming in here asking me straight out if I believe in the blinking third moon. You're the one away with the mixer." Hermione looked up, suddenly attentive.
"You mean you don't believe in it?" she asked, sounding genuinely surprised, and Draco rolled his eyes.
"Of course I do, Granger. And I believe in the stork and the tooth fairy and walking under a ladder and black cats and Pansy's virginity," he listed sarcastically. "Merlin, don't they teach you anything in the muggle world? Or Astronomy? A third moon couldn't exist if you wanted it to, much less be the only night you can conceive."
"You don't believe in the third moon," Hermione stated, gaping at him.
"Really, Granger? Whatever gave you that idea?"
"Malfoy, I could almost kiss you right now; you're the first person I've met today who isn't clinically insane. Would you believe it, I was asking around; no one had any idea that the third moon was a hoax. I caught P-... some students... doing things last night, and the girl tried to tell me it was all right, because it wasn't her Third Moon. This is a serious problem, Malfoy. I honestly think the school has gone mad," Hermione explained, digging frustrated fingers into her hair. Draco was staring off into space, deep in thought; Hermione suspected he hadn't heard a word she'd said. "Malfoy?"
"I should get a t-shirt..." he said offhandedly, marking out a space on the front of his robes. "Kiss me, I'm sane."
"Malfoy! This is serious! These children could be HAVING children if something isn't done to deter them. As Head Boy and Girl, it's our duty to..." Hermione began, but Draco interrupted her with a pained moan.
"Every time you say that it means I have to do extra work," he whined.
"Well, what do you propose we do? Nothing?"
"Actually, yes; that's exactly what I propose," he said, standing. "Well, now that that's settled." Hermione growled and grabbed his arm, pulling him back onto the sofa.
"Malfoy, this isn't funny. These kids are ruining their lives; do you honestly not care?"
"Granger, you're a muggle so I'll explain this slowly. It's. Nothing. To. Worry. About," he said. "It's just the way things are; when they graduate, their parents will tell them the truth. It's always been like that. Like an ignorance is bliss thing."
"Really?" Hermione asked, eyes narrowed. "Then why don't you believe in it?"
"Because my father is 5,000 years old and lives in Transylvania, and my mother is a drawing made out of rubber," Draco explained calmly, as if it were true. "I learned off the street." Hermione rolled her eyes.
"Could you be any more immature?"
"I could try."
"Spare me," she pleaded, placing her forehead in her hand.
"Make up your mind, woman."
"Malfoy, seriously for a moment, think about this. They're still having sex, even if they don't think they can get pregnant. I don't understand this; the Third Moon is apt to make them have MORE sex. Who thought of this, anyway? Were they ill?"
"Perhaps; hygiene wasn't that great in the fifteenth century," Draco answered, to which Hermione lifted an eyebrow. "Women wanted to get pregnant back then; if you're pregnant, the father would have an obligation to marry you, unlike today. The Third Moon was used to stop the woman from -literally and metaphorically- screwing the men. It worked well and is still used, even though times have changed. Most parents perform contraceptive charms on their kids over the summer; I wouldn't worry about it too much." Hermione listened, open mouthed, as Draco prepared to leave once again.
"That's just so wrong," she stated. "Don't you think?"
"It's just one of those things, Granger. Leave it alone," he said, turning around a few times as if looking for something.
"But it's so dishonest," she debated. "You're misleading them, their entire lives will change when they find out they've been lied to."
"Well, how is that different from telling some ankle-biter that there's a Santy Clause; isn't that dishonest? Misleading? Won't it break their heart when they find out? Does anyone care? No. It's back to that whole ignorant bliss idea. People want to be stupid; I say let them," Draco said as he found the book he was looking for and lifted it from its fallen spot on the floor. Hermione shook her head.
"No, it seems different to me. I want to talk to Dumbledore about it," she stated, not to be deterred. Draco shrugged.
"Knock yourself out, but he already knows; he was young once too, you know."
"Come with me?" she asked, almost pleading. Draco raised an eyebrow.
"Why?"
"Because he's old... and he's Dumbledore. I can't say the word 'sex' in front of him," she said, making a face and shaking her head.
"So you want to pawn it off on me, then?" Draco asked, sounding amused. "Get a bloke."
"Please, Malfoy? We're supposed to work TOGETHER, hence this shared common room and all that malarkey," Hermione said, motioning to the room in which they spoke.
"Sorry, Granger," Draco said, starting toward his room. "But there's just nothing in it for me."
"What if there was?" she asked, watching him retreat; he didn't pause.
"That would depend on it, then, wouldn't it?"
"What if it got you out of NEWT Transfiguration?" Hermione wondered aloud and Draco halted in his tracks. He turned around slowly, eyes suspicious.
"What are you playing at, Granger?"
"You want to drop, don't you?" she asked and Draco gave a nod.
"She'll never let me," he said. "She hates me, I'm Slytherin."
"She might if I put in a good word; said you were motivated to excel in your other classes. The points you score from working amiably with me couldn't hurt either," Hermione leaned back in the sofa, grinning satisfactorily. She'd caught him by the lip and reeled him in; now she just had to wait until he stopped flopping.
"You drive a hard bargain, Granger," he admitted, pointing his book at her. "But you know I can't say no to that. Tonight, after dinner."
"It's a date."
"Can't be," Draco corrected. "You're still a Gryffindor and I'm still me."
-x- -x- -x-
"Dammit, Granger," Draco said as he walked beside her, hands jammed into his pockets and face twisted into a scowl. "I can't believe you're making me do this."
"So you've said, Malfoy; belt up about it, won't you? I'm not changing my mind and you already agreed."
"Right, right," he said, flashing his eyes to the ceiling. "Word of honor to a lady and all that."
"Touched at your compliments as I am," Hermione noted, preoccupied, "I need you to be quiet for a minute; I can't concentrate." Draco turned to look at her, confused as to what she planned to use the silence to contemplate, and noted emotionlessly that she held in her hand a bound notebook, scribbling furiously with a quill as she attempted to keep up with his quick and agitated pace.
"What are you doing?" he asked in pure curiosity, a frown of naivety on his lips. Hermione looked up quickly, unfazed by his genuine question.
"I'm writing down everything I'll need to tell Dumbledore, in case I choke. I probably will, to warn you now; I've never been wonderful at public speaking; especially not about embarrassing topics," she admitted, bowing her head again to continue scribbling. Draco slowed his pace slightly, to ease her burden, and grinned evilly.
"Yes," he agreed. "I think I remember you presenting an oral on a Sensuality Elixir. Quite interesting, that."
"Was that a voluntary promise to pick up wherever I drop off?" she asked sweetly, smiling at him innocently. Draco rolled his eyes.
"I suppose. Hell, Granger, what are you good for?"
"If we were making Dramiones and not speaking to Dumbledore, you'd know what I'm good for."
"Ooh," he complimented, smirking as if proud of her. "You really want me in bed, don't you pet?"
"Yes, Malfoy; my life will not be complete unless I have had your pale little arse between my satin sheets," she mumbled distractedly, stopping to write something down. Draco, despite himself, laughed aloud, shaking his head. Hermione paid him no attention as she started speedily walking again, catching up to him.
"Are you ready, Granger?" he asked her, coming to a stop in front of Dumbledore's gargoyle.
"Yeah, sure," Hermione replied, eyes speeding over her notes. Draco, expecting she hadn't heard a word he'd said, tried once more.
"Have you ever eaten a lotus, Granger?" he asked, smirking in anticipation of her answer.
"No, Malfoy. Nor have I heard a siren, slept with a goddess, or blinded a Cyclops. Honey sticks," she answered, completely focused, and turned away from her notes as the gargoyle moved slowly to the side. Draco frowned in disappointment, defeated at his game, and followed her resentfully as she ascended the twisting staircase.
Hermione, calm and collected, tucked her notebook beneath her arm and lifted a hand to knock on the door. She held her chin high as she waited for admittance to Dumbledore's office and was appeased in moments by a short little house elf, who promptly disappeared.
"Miss Granger!" Dumbledore greeted jovially, as if her entrance a pleasant surprise. "And Mr. Malfoy," he continued with the same enthusiasm. "What can I do for you?"
"Well, sir," Hermione began, granting herself admission to the room. Dumbledore, who had stood to greet them, sat comfortably in his chair and transfigured two more opposite his desk for the Head Boy and Girl. "There is a matter of great importance which has recently come to my attention, and I believe thoroughly that it demands immediate notice."
"That sounds serious, Miss Granger. Both of you; take a seat," he requested, gesturing to the newly begotten chairs. Hermione nodded her thanks and sat down, while Draco plopped into the seat beside her, looking at ease and very bored. Dumbledore leaned forward onto his desk, hands splayed against the polished wood, face immersed in interest. "What seems to be the trouble?" Draco turned leisurely toward Hermione, fulfilling his promise to catch her if she fell. She looked instantly nervous with all eyes on her and turned her gaze away from Dumbledore, fiddling with the notebook in her lap.
"Well," she started, stalling as her eyes tracked nervously over her notes. "I, that is to say we, we..." Hermione sighed in frustration at her self, bringing her eyes to determinedly meet the professors. Dumbledore lifted a snowy eyebrow, waiting for her to continue. "You see, I was... I mean, the students... yes, they... oh, tosh." Draco rolled his eyes dramatically and Dumbledore chuckled, leaning back to lessen the pressure upon his Head Girl.
"She's badgered about the Third Moon," he explained, drawing Dumbledore's attention to his face; he looked surprised. Hermione shot a glare at him, but kept her calm, tinged with nerves.
"Right," she agreed, causing Dumbledore to turn again to her. Hermione opened her mouth to continue, but Draco stole the show, looking tiredly at the ceiling as he spoke.
"She's just found out that everyone believes it," he explained, lowering his head to look condescendingly at her. "And now she's bent on telling them the truth."
"Yes," Hermione offered again, looking warningly to the side. Dumbledore was listening with an uncharacteristic mask of bewilderment shrouding his usually all-knowing face. "I think they should be taught the truth before it gets them in trouble. This..." she winced. "fable, is apt to encourage promiscuous... relations. I propose that something be done." Draco groaned and let his head fall back in the chair, again tracing the rafters with his gaze. He waited for Dumbledore's cheery laugh, assuring Granger that she'd nothing to worry about, and anticipated the offer of a lemon drop. He smiled to himself; he always enjoyed a free lemon drop.
"You are absolutely right, Miss Granger," Dumbledore stated in a final manner and Draco turned to tell his partner off with an 'I told you'. He realized none too late that the Headmaster had AGREED with Hermione and snapped to attention.
"What? What do you mean, she's right? It's just the ruddy Third Moon; it's never gotten anyone into trouble. Why can't we leave them ignorant?"
"Because, Mr. Malfoy, it is irresponsible. It is true, more young witches are having children now than they did in my day, and I assure you, we used the myth back then as well. I had no idea that the tale was still being told; it's unsafe to allow the students to copulate under the impression that they are safe from conception; I will not have such a thing in my school. I thank you, Miss Granger, for bringing this to my attention. How much of the student body believes in this nonsense?"
"Most of it, sir," Hermione supplied, ignoring the gaping Draco who was now much more interested in the conversation. "I know for sure that all of Gryffindor house believes it; I conducted a survey this afternoon. With the background Draco has supplied," she said, indicating her partner with a fleeting wave of her hand. "I've assumed that most of the other houses do as well."
"All of Gryffindor house? Are you sure?" Dumbledore asked, shock evident in his disbelieving voice.
"Yes, sir; even Harry. My hypothesis is that most of the pureblooded and halfblooded students were told the tale by their parents and grew up believing it. Any muggleborn, or in Harry's case, muggleraised students who had knowledge of the truth upon their arrival at Hogwarts were mislead by their peers, and at eleven, a child's mind is apt to conform to majority as opposed to defending its beliefs. It probably didn't help that most eleven year olds have very little knowledge of the... copulative world. They were simply brainwashed into it by their peers."
"If all this is true," Dumbledore asked suspiciously, eyeing the two students in front of him. "How is it that you two retained true knowledge?" Hermione and Draco shared a glance.
"Well," Hermione offered. "I didn't have many female friends growing up, and I wasn't about to talk to Harry and Ron about it," she admitted. "I suppose I just didn't catch wind." Now as red as the crest on her robes, Hermione turned to Draco, expecting him to explain as well; she wanted him to share her embarrassment. He shrugged as if the topic didn't faze him.
"My parents didn't bother to lie," he stated simply. "They prefer fact over blissful naivety." Hermione frowned slightly, her rosy cheeks tinting darker; he didn't seem at all embarrassed, merely apathetic.
"Well," Dumbledore stated, "this most certainly is something." He paused for a moment, stroking his white beard and eyeing thin air curiously. Hermione fidgeted in her seat, pressing chilled fingers to her cheeks in attempt to cool them, while Draco merely watched the situation with slight curiosity; he wondered what the headmaster's verdict would be. Struck with inspiration, Dumbledore stopped his stroking, turning his eyes back to the head girl. "Miss Granger," he asked, receiving her attention, "how much will you voluntarily commit to this cause?" Hermione, who looked slightly suspicious but always ready to charm a professor, folded her hands in her lap and lifted her chin slightly
"Well, I'll do as much as I can, if I have the time and resources."
"And you, Mr. Malfoy?" Dumbledore asked, seeming pleased with Hermione's answer. Draco just shrugged.
"Whatever."
"It's settled then," the headmaster finished cheerily. "Miss Granger, you will host a class on Sunday nights at nineteen hundred hours in the Transfiguration classroom to teach your peers about their escapades. Mr. Malfoy will be your assistant." The jaws of the Head Boy and Girl dropped simultaneously.
"What?" Draco barked, leaping to the edge of his seat.
"Professor," Hermione said almost warningly. "We're only seventh year students; no where near qualified enough to teach a class!"
"Unfortunately, Miss Granger," he explained. "There is no one on staff available for such a last minute assignment. You will only teach the seventh years; next year we will hire a trained instructor." Hermione turned nervously to Draco, who was staring daggers and obviously blamed her.
"Headmaster," she said, trying to compromise. "I really wouldn't feel comfortable..."
"Miss Granger," Dumbledore interrupted. "When you and Mr. Malfoy accepted the positions of Head Boy and Girl, you agreed to follow the quota of the position. It states clearly in the hand book that it is the job of the Head Boy and Girl to cater to the best intentions of the students; I do believe this falls under that category. If you refuse to take this position, you will be putting your fellow students in danger, and I would be forced to consider revoking your badge." Hermione gasped. "Do you understand, Miss Granger?" She nodded obediently, now completely convinced of her mission. "Mr. Malfoy?"
"It doesn't seem I have a choice," Draco complained, hiding his face with his hands and mumbling into his wrists. Dumbledore grinned.
"Good, good. I shall owl the students tomorrow morning and your first class will take place next week. I suggest you use the provided time to create a lesson plan. Off you go, then."
Lethargically, Hermione and Draco rose from their seats and started toward the door, Draco stalking while she pattered behind. As the door closed behind them, Hermione braced herself for his tantrum, but it never came.
"Looks like you were right after all, Granger. My mistake," he noted dully, adjusting his tie as if he were to be meeting someone important. "I suggest you go say goodnight and get to bed early; we've planning to do in the morning." Without another word, Draco clenched his jaw and started in the direction of their common room, leaving Hermione to stare after him.
Had he just apologized?
-x- -x- -x-
A/N: Damn! I'm on a roll! I probably won't be updating until next week when; spring break. I'm participating in the D/Hr Valentine's Day Fic Exchange, so I'll be working on that next. My request was very general and I want to make it super original, to blow their minds :oD. I hope my writer is just as excited as I am :oD
"What do you want to do; ask Madam Pomfrey? Oy, Madam... can I get pregnant if it's not my third moon?" she mocked, then laughed. "She'll think you've gone mad." Parvarti nodded.
"I guess you're right. It just got me wondering."
"Well, pay attention to your next rag, then, won't you? You're so naïve. I'm going back to my breakfast... and my boyfriend," Padma said before getting up from the bench and stalking back to the Ravenclaw table, now sparsely occupied as students began to filter out and enjoy their last day free of classes. Parvarti left soon after her sister, leaving the Great Hall without eating much of anything by means of breakfast. Hermione stayed behind, rethinking her talk with Dumbledore. Exactly how many people believed in this 'third moon' nonsense? She needed to conduct more tests. Where better to start than her partner in crime; her comrade in conduct; the all-influential Head Boy?
Where was Malfoy when you needed him?
-x- -x- -x-
Chapter Two: For Taste of Olive Juice
Hermione burst into her dorm just before lunch with her teeth clenched and her fists furious. She had spent all of three hours looking for Draco and had seen neither hide nor hair of the big headed blond. She'd even stooped to asking help from Slytherin, which proved lost cause as they'd rather have bitten off her fingers than helped her.
It was for this reason that, when she entered to see her counterpart hanging upside down and asleep on the couch in their common room, Hermione exploded. She was shocked for a moment, mouth agape, but her rage soon boiled over. She stalked up behind the couch with heavy steps and placed her palms to the soles of Draco's shoes. Hermione pushed hard against them, causing the blonde to flip unceremoniously off the couch and land sprawled, face down on the floor.
"Bloody hell, Granger," he cursed, getting to his feet. "What in the seven circles of hell did you do that for?" Hermione was in no mood to answer any question he might pose.
"Where the hell have you been, Malfoy? I've been looking for you since breakfast!"
"Aw, I didn't know you cared," Draco said impassively, concentrating on picking invisible lint balls off his robes. Hermione stood livid a few feet away, separated by only the leather settee, but she didn't seem to faze him.
"Malfoy!" Hermione whined, nearly stomping her foot. Draco chuckled, smoothing back his hair.
"Don't cry now," he teased, earning himself a heated glare. "All right, back off. You couldn't have been looking hard; I've been here nearly the entire time. Stopped by Snape's office to ask about extra credit, met some Ravenclaw near a broom closet and was... occupied there for a bit, hm... I think that's about it," Draco told her, ticking off actions on his fingers and looking up in all innocence. "Why were you looking for me anyway, Granger?" he asked, eyeing her dubiously. Hermione dramatically rolled her eyes before taking a few steps closer to him.
"I need your help," she said, attempting to keep her frustration in check and get through the experiment as calm and quickly as possible. "I'm getting desperate." At this, Draco grinned.
"I knew this would come sooner or later. All right, Granger; tickle your pleasure: one finger or two?" he asked, holding up his index and middle fingers subsequently. Hermione made a face of disgust and slapped him lightly across the face. Draco laughed. "Three?"
"Fuck off, Malfoy; honestly, you're such a jackass."
"Purebred."
"Come on, this is important; are you paying attention?"
"Yes, yes; what is it?" he asked, crossing his arms and looking bored with the situation. Hermione sighed, preparing herself. She had decided to go against the reverse psychology technique used on Harry and Ron and just be blunt with Draco; he either knew or he didn't. There was no point in easing the blow; she didn't particularly even like him.
"Does the term 'Third Moon' mean anything to you?" Hermione asked, looking anxious for his answer. Draco, obviously surprised, stared at her.
"Of course I know what it is, Granger, who do you think I am?" he answered, and Hermione sank to the couch, holding her head. Draco smirked to himself. "Why, Granger? Is it yours? Oh, I see what this is about; fancy a few little Dramiones running around?" Completely turned off to all offense in her devastation at being the only sane person left in England, Hermione looked up at the Head Boy with a relaxed and tired expression.
"That has got to be the stupidest idea to come out of the Wizarding world, honestly; meshing the parents' names together and actually using it as a title for their offspring? Hideous. Who are your parents, Malfoy? Dracula and Olive Oil?"
"You know very well who my parents are," Draco defended, narrowing his eyes at her. Hermione didn't bother to blink. "And by the way, I've met Dracula; he charmed me."
"First you're a jackass and now you're a vampire? Will it ever end?"
"I never said I was a vampire," Draco corrected, "though you'd never know it." Hermione lifted an eyebrow at this comment.
"I'm sorry, Malfoy," she said. "But, disregarding your tendency to hide beneath a 'cloak of darkness' and the putrid smell of rotting flesh that lingers near your mouth, I'd say you've nothing in common with a vampire." Draco glared.
"I'll show you, then," he said, turning away from her. Intrigued, Hermione leaned back into the sofa and crossed her legs, waiting for him to 'show her'. Draco seemed to be attempting to lose a tooth; he held it clasped between his forefinger and thumb and jostled it once before doing the same to a tooth on the other side of his mouth. When he turned around, it seemed all his trouble had gone into fixing a dashing smirk on his lips.
"Bet that took a lot of work," she said, rolling her eyes. Draco smiled to spite her, displaying two pearly white, pointed bicuspids. Hermione was visibly surprised. "Good show, Malfoy; I'm impressed. Turned on, even; maybe we should start working on those Dramiones before my moon is lost," she suggested sarcastically and Draco frowned, looking put out. Evidently, he was hoping to get a rise. "Has that EVER worked? On anyone?" He sighed.
"Pansy," he admitted, using the pads of his thumbs to push the charmed teeth back into his gumline. "Though I don't suppose that counts, does it?"
"I'd say no to that, but hey, you could always go find her and make some Pancos and Dransys," she suggested with false enthusiasm and Draco groaned.
"Has anyone ever told you how horrendously annoying you are?" he whined, then paused as Hermione grinned. "It's intriguing," he decided, taking pleasure in the drop of her satisfied countenance. "I'd consider dating you if you weren't in cahoots with all those ruddy Gryffindor." At this, Hermione smirked.
"Oh really? What a coincidence; I'd consider it too. You know, if you weren't... well, you."
"Smooth," he said, rolling his eyes and taking a seat beside her. Hermione seemed self satisfied. "Honestly, Granger; did you spend all that time looking for me just so you could start a verbal spar?"
"As much as I'm sure you'd love the devotion," Hermione answered. "You're insane if you think I'd waste so much time."
"Me insane?" Draco asked, sounding spuriously offended. "You're the one coming in here asking me straight out if I believe in the blinking third moon. You're the one away with the mixer." Hermione looked up, suddenly attentive.
"You mean you don't believe in it?" she asked, sounding genuinely surprised, and Draco rolled his eyes.
"Of course I do, Granger. And I believe in the stork and the tooth fairy and walking under a ladder and black cats and Pansy's virginity," he listed sarcastically. "Merlin, don't they teach you anything in the muggle world? Or Astronomy? A third moon couldn't exist if you wanted it to, much less be the only night you can conceive."
"You don't believe in the third moon," Hermione stated, gaping at him.
"Really, Granger? Whatever gave you that idea?"
"Malfoy, I could almost kiss you right now; you're the first person I've met today who isn't clinically insane. Would you believe it, I was asking around; no one had any idea that the third moon was a hoax. I caught P-... some students... doing things last night, and the girl tried to tell me it was all right, because it wasn't her Third Moon. This is a serious problem, Malfoy. I honestly think the school has gone mad," Hermione explained, digging frustrated fingers into her hair. Draco was staring off into space, deep in thought; Hermione suspected he hadn't heard a word she'd said. "Malfoy?"
"I should get a t-shirt..." he said offhandedly, marking out a space on the front of his robes. "Kiss me, I'm sane."
"Malfoy! This is serious! These children could be HAVING children if something isn't done to deter them. As Head Boy and Girl, it's our duty to..." Hermione began, but Draco interrupted her with a pained moan.
"Every time you say that it means I have to do extra work," he whined.
"Well, what do you propose we do? Nothing?"
"Actually, yes; that's exactly what I propose," he said, standing. "Well, now that that's settled." Hermione growled and grabbed his arm, pulling him back onto the sofa.
"Malfoy, this isn't funny. These kids are ruining their lives; do you honestly not care?"
"Granger, you're a muggle so I'll explain this slowly. It's. Nothing. To. Worry. About," he said. "It's just the way things are; when they graduate, their parents will tell them the truth. It's always been like that. Like an ignorance is bliss thing."
"Really?" Hermione asked, eyes narrowed. "Then why don't you believe in it?"
"Because my father is 5,000 years old and lives in Transylvania, and my mother is a drawing made out of rubber," Draco explained calmly, as if it were true. "I learned off the street." Hermione rolled her eyes.
"Could you be any more immature?"
"I could try."
"Spare me," she pleaded, placing her forehead in her hand.
"Make up your mind, woman."
"Malfoy, seriously for a moment, think about this. They're still having sex, even if they don't think they can get pregnant. I don't understand this; the Third Moon is apt to make them have MORE sex. Who thought of this, anyway? Were they ill?"
"Perhaps; hygiene wasn't that great in the fifteenth century," Draco answered, to which Hermione lifted an eyebrow. "Women wanted to get pregnant back then; if you're pregnant, the father would have an obligation to marry you, unlike today. The Third Moon was used to stop the woman from -literally and metaphorically- screwing the men. It worked well and is still used, even though times have changed. Most parents perform contraceptive charms on their kids over the summer; I wouldn't worry about it too much." Hermione listened, open mouthed, as Draco prepared to leave once again.
"That's just so wrong," she stated. "Don't you think?"
"It's just one of those things, Granger. Leave it alone," he said, turning around a few times as if looking for something.
"But it's so dishonest," she debated. "You're misleading them, their entire lives will change when they find out they've been lied to."
"Well, how is that different from telling some ankle-biter that there's a Santy Clause; isn't that dishonest? Misleading? Won't it break their heart when they find out? Does anyone care? No. It's back to that whole ignorant bliss idea. People want to be stupid; I say let them," Draco said as he found the book he was looking for and lifted it from its fallen spot on the floor. Hermione shook her head.
"No, it seems different to me. I want to talk to Dumbledore about it," she stated, not to be deterred. Draco shrugged.
"Knock yourself out, but he already knows; he was young once too, you know."
"Come with me?" she asked, almost pleading. Draco raised an eyebrow.
"Why?"
"Because he's old... and he's Dumbledore. I can't say the word 'sex' in front of him," she said, making a face and shaking her head.
"So you want to pawn it off on me, then?" Draco asked, sounding amused. "Get a bloke."
"Please, Malfoy? We're supposed to work TOGETHER, hence this shared common room and all that malarkey," Hermione said, motioning to the room in which they spoke.
"Sorry, Granger," Draco said, starting toward his room. "But there's just nothing in it for me."
"What if there was?" she asked, watching him retreat; he didn't pause.
"That would depend on it, then, wouldn't it?"
"What if it got you out of NEWT Transfiguration?" Hermione wondered aloud and Draco halted in his tracks. He turned around slowly, eyes suspicious.
"What are you playing at, Granger?"
"You want to drop, don't you?" she asked and Draco gave a nod.
"She'll never let me," he said. "She hates me, I'm Slytherin."
"She might if I put in a good word; said you were motivated to excel in your other classes. The points you score from working amiably with me couldn't hurt either," Hermione leaned back in the sofa, grinning satisfactorily. She'd caught him by the lip and reeled him in; now she just had to wait until he stopped flopping.
"You drive a hard bargain, Granger," he admitted, pointing his book at her. "But you know I can't say no to that. Tonight, after dinner."
"It's a date."
"Can't be," Draco corrected. "You're still a Gryffindor and I'm still me."
-x- -x- -x-
"Dammit, Granger," Draco said as he walked beside her, hands jammed into his pockets and face twisted into a scowl. "I can't believe you're making me do this."
"So you've said, Malfoy; belt up about it, won't you? I'm not changing my mind and you already agreed."
"Right, right," he said, flashing his eyes to the ceiling. "Word of honor to a lady and all that."
"Touched at your compliments as I am," Hermione noted, preoccupied, "I need you to be quiet for a minute; I can't concentrate." Draco turned to look at her, confused as to what she planned to use the silence to contemplate, and noted emotionlessly that she held in her hand a bound notebook, scribbling furiously with a quill as she attempted to keep up with his quick and agitated pace.
"What are you doing?" he asked in pure curiosity, a frown of naivety on his lips. Hermione looked up quickly, unfazed by his genuine question.
"I'm writing down everything I'll need to tell Dumbledore, in case I choke. I probably will, to warn you now; I've never been wonderful at public speaking; especially not about embarrassing topics," she admitted, bowing her head again to continue scribbling. Draco slowed his pace slightly, to ease her burden, and grinned evilly.
"Yes," he agreed. "I think I remember you presenting an oral on a Sensuality Elixir. Quite interesting, that."
"Was that a voluntary promise to pick up wherever I drop off?" she asked sweetly, smiling at him innocently. Draco rolled his eyes.
"I suppose. Hell, Granger, what are you good for?"
"If we were making Dramiones and not speaking to Dumbledore, you'd know what I'm good for."
"Ooh," he complimented, smirking as if proud of her. "You really want me in bed, don't you pet?"
"Yes, Malfoy; my life will not be complete unless I have had your pale little arse between my satin sheets," she mumbled distractedly, stopping to write something down. Draco, despite himself, laughed aloud, shaking his head. Hermione paid him no attention as she started speedily walking again, catching up to him.
"Are you ready, Granger?" he asked her, coming to a stop in front of Dumbledore's gargoyle.
"Yeah, sure," Hermione replied, eyes speeding over her notes. Draco, expecting she hadn't heard a word he'd said, tried once more.
"Have you ever eaten a lotus, Granger?" he asked, smirking in anticipation of her answer.
"No, Malfoy. Nor have I heard a siren, slept with a goddess, or blinded a Cyclops. Honey sticks," she answered, completely focused, and turned away from her notes as the gargoyle moved slowly to the side. Draco frowned in disappointment, defeated at his game, and followed her resentfully as she ascended the twisting staircase.
Hermione, calm and collected, tucked her notebook beneath her arm and lifted a hand to knock on the door. She held her chin high as she waited for admittance to Dumbledore's office and was appeased in moments by a short little house elf, who promptly disappeared.
"Miss Granger!" Dumbledore greeted jovially, as if her entrance a pleasant surprise. "And Mr. Malfoy," he continued with the same enthusiasm. "What can I do for you?"
"Well, sir," Hermione began, granting herself admission to the room. Dumbledore, who had stood to greet them, sat comfortably in his chair and transfigured two more opposite his desk for the Head Boy and Girl. "There is a matter of great importance which has recently come to my attention, and I believe thoroughly that it demands immediate notice."
"That sounds serious, Miss Granger. Both of you; take a seat," he requested, gesturing to the newly begotten chairs. Hermione nodded her thanks and sat down, while Draco plopped into the seat beside her, looking at ease and very bored. Dumbledore leaned forward onto his desk, hands splayed against the polished wood, face immersed in interest. "What seems to be the trouble?" Draco turned leisurely toward Hermione, fulfilling his promise to catch her if she fell. She looked instantly nervous with all eyes on her and turned her gaze away from Dumbledore, fiddling with the notebook in her lap.
"Well," she started, stalling as her eyes tracked nervously over her notes. "I, that is to say we, we..." Hermione sighed in frustration at her self, bringing her eyes to determinedly meet the professors. Dumbledore lifted a snowy eyebrow, waiting for her to continue. "You see, I was... I mean, the students... yes, they... oh, tosh." Draco rolled his eyes dramatically and Dumbledore chuckled, leaning back to lessen the pressure upon his Head Girl.
"She's badgered about the Third Moon," he explained, drawing Dumbledore's attention to his face; he looked surprised. Hermione shot a glare at him, but kept her calm, tinged with nerves.
"Right," she agreed, causing Dumbledore to turn again to her. Hermione opened her mouth to continue, but Draco stole the show, looking tiredly at the ceiling as he spoke.
"She's just found out that everyone believes it," he explained, lowering his head to look condescendingly at her. "And now she's bent on telling them the truth."
"Yes," Hermione offered again, looking warningly to the side. Dumbledore was listening with an uncharacteristic mask of bewilderment shrouding his usually all-knowing face. "I think they should be taught the truth before it gets them in trouble. This..." she winced. "fable, is apt to encourage promiscuous... relations. I propose that something be done." Draco groaned and let his head fall back in the chair, again tracing the rafters with his gaze. He waited for Dumbledore's cheery laugh, assuring Granger that she'd nothing to worry about, and anticipated the offer of a lemon drop. He smiled to himself; he always enjoyed a free lemon drop.
"You are absolutely right, Miss Granger," Dumbledore stated in a final manner and Draco turned to tell his partner off with an 'I told you'. He realized none too late that the Headmaster had AGREED with Hermione and snapped to attention.
"What? What do you mean, she's right? It's just the ruddy Third Moon; it's never gotten anyone into trouble. Why can't we leave them ignorant?"
"Because, Mr. Malfoy, it is irresponsible. It is true, more young witches are having children now than they did in my day, and I assure you, we used the myth back then as well. I had no idea that the tale was still being told; it's unsafe to allow the students to copulate under the impression that they are safe from conception; I will not have such a thing in my school. I thank you, Miss Granger, for bringing this to my attention. How much of the student body believes in this nonsense?"
"Most of it, sir," Hermione supplied, ignoring the gaping Draco who was now much more interested in the conversation. "I know for sure that all of Gryffindor house believes it; I conducted a survey this afternoon. With the background Draco has supplied," she said, indicating her partner with a fleeting wave of her hand. "I've assumed that most of the other houses do as well."
"All of Gryffindor house? Are you sure?" Dumbledore asked, shock evident in his disbelieving voice.
"Yes, sir; even Harry. My hypothesis is that most of the pureblooded and halfblooded students were told the tale by their parents and grew up believing it. Any muggleborn, or in Harry's case, muggleraised students who had knowledge of the truth upon their arrival at Hogwarts were mislead by their peers, and at eleven, a child's mind is apt to conform to majority as opposed to defending its beliefs. It probably didn't help that most eleven year olds have very little knowledge of the... copulative world. They were simply brainwashed into it by their peers."
"If all this is true," Dumbledore asked suspiciously, eyeing the two students in front of him. "How is it that you two retained true knowledge?" Hermione and Draco shared a glance.
"Well," Hermione offered. "I didn't have many female friends growing up, and I wasn't about to talk to Harry and Ron about it," she admitted. "I suppose I just didn't catch wind." Now as red as the crest on her robes, Hermione turned to Draco, expecting him to explain as well; she wanted him to share her embarrassment. He shrugged as if the topic didn't faze him.
"My parents didn't bother to lie," he stated simply. "They prefer fact over blissful naivety." Hermione frowned slightly, her rosy cheeks tinting darker; he didn't seem at all embarrassed, merely apathetic.
"Well," Dumbledore stated, "this most certainly is something." He paused for a moment, stroking his white beard and eyeing thin air curiously. Hermione fidgeted in her seat, pressing chilled fingers to her cheeks in attempt to cool them, while Draco merely watched the situation with slight curiosity; he wondered what the headmaster's verdict would be. Struck with inspiration, Dumbledore stopped his stroking, turning his eyes back to the head girl. "Miss Granger," he asked, receiving her attention, "how much will you voluntarily commit to this cause?" Hermione, who looked slightly suspicious but always ready to charm a professor, folded her hands in her lap and lifted her chin slightly
"Well, I'll do as much as I can, if I have the time and resources."
"And you, Mr. Malfoy?" Dumbledore asked, seeming pleased with Hermione's answer. Draco just shrugged.
"Whatever."
"It's settled then," the headmaster finished cheerily. "Miss Granger, you will host a class on Sunday nights at nineteen hundred hours in the Transfiguration classroom to teach your peers about their escapades. Mr. Malfoy will be your assistant." The jaws of the Head Boy and Girl dropped simultaneously.
"What?" Draco barked, leaping to the edge of his seat.
"Professor," Hermione said almost warningly. "We're only seventh year students; no where near qualified enough to teach a class!"
"Unfortunately, Miss Granger," he explained. "There is no one on staff available for such a last minute assignment. You will only teach the seventh years; next year we will hire a trained instructor." Hermione turned nervously to Draco, who was staring daggers and obviously blamed her.
"Headmaster," she said, trying to compromise. "I really wouldn't feel comfortable..."
"Miss Granger," Dumbledore interrupted. "When you and Mr. Malfoy accepted the positions of Head Boy and Girl, you agreed to follow the quota of the position. It states clearly in the hand book that it is the job of the Head Boy and Girl to cater to the best intentions of the students; I do believe this falls under that category. If you refuse to take this position, you will be putting your fellow students in danger, and I would be forced to consider revoking your badge." Hermione gasped. "Do you understand, Miss Granger?" She nodded obediently, now completely convinced of her mission. "Mr. Malfoy?"
"It doesn't seem I have a choice," Draco complained, hiding his face with his hands and mumbling into his wrists. Dumbledore grinned.
"Good, good. I shall owl the students tomorrow morning and your first class will take place next week. I suggest you use the provided time to create a lesson plan. Off you go, then."
Lethargically, Hermione and Draco rose from their seats and started toward the door, Draco stalking while she pattered behind. As the door closed behind them, Hermione braced herself for his tantrum, but it never came.
"Looks like you were right after all, Granger. My mistake," he noted dully, adjusting his tie as if he were to be meeting someone important. "I suggest you go say goodnight and get to bed early; we've planning to do in the morning." Without another word, Draco clenched his jaw and started in the direction of their common room, leaving Hermione to stare after him.
Had he just apologized?
-x- -x- -x-
A/N: Damn! I'm on a roll! I probably won't be updating until next week when; spring break. I'm participating in the D/Hr Valentine's Day Fic Exchange, so I'll be working on that next. My request was very general and I want to make it super original, to blow their minds :oD. I hope my writer is just as excited as I am :oD