Once Upon a Time During SEX:

Hermione stood straight from the couch, spilling her tray of chocolates over the lap of her colleague.

"Watch it, Granger," Draco bit, but half-heartedly, too amused by the scene outside the portrait door. Hermione slapped him upside the head and shoved a large coconut custard into his smirking mouth.

"Belt up, or I'll let them in. I'm sure they're here to talk about yesterday afternoon; care to join in explanation?" Hermione asked him and Draco, who had been chewing furiously with intent of adding to the conversation, stopped altogether and smirked. He swallowed his half-chewed morsel and beamed up at her.

"Actually, Hermione, I'd like that very much."

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Chapter Eight: When I See You

"Hermione!" Four voices chorused the moment she opened the common room door, and Hermione sighed in exasperation.

"Ron, don't be mean to your sister. Ginny, that's a bit extreme- I'd never expect them to entirely leave me alone. Harry, I'm disappointed. I've come to expect overreactions and outbursts from Ron, but from you is something new. Aly, love, I'm sorry I got you mixed up in this," she stated quickly, turning to each of her callers in succession. With her tirade complete, Hermione was able to breathe freely, as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. "Why don't you all come in? Would anyone like something to drink?" She turned and ducked into the common room, pretending as if Draco (who still sat idly on the couch with a smirk of sheer amusement plastered on his face) was just some odd decoration.

The four sulking and/or exasperated teenagers followed their hostess into the room silently, taking the few needed steps to clear the doorway and allow the portrait to close itself. Immediately upon recognizing the human throw pillow that was Draco Malfoy, Harry and Ron stopped in their tracks and the girls paused moments later to stare back at them curiously.

"What's he doing here?" Harry asked before he could stop himself, his voice betraying nothing but surprise and bewilderment. Ron's eyebrows narrowed into a fiery line and he grunted his agreement.

"Yeah!" he shouted in indignation. Hermione, who was perkily preparing tea and biscuits, turned with a small "Hm?" of inquisition.

"Oh," she continued. "You mean that lump. He lives here, boys. Remember?" Aly and Ginny, entirely fed up with their respective boyfriends, rolled their eyes in a similar manner and finished the trek to the common room sofas. Aly made to sit on the plush settee opposite the man of so much attention, but Ginny discreetly caught her arm and gave her a look. Aly looked confused, but when Ginny boldly took a seat beside Draco, she quickly caught on and took his other side with a smirk. Amused, Draco lifted his arms over the back of the couch and slouched between the girls.

"Ladies..." he greeted suavely, and they smiled at each other before simultaneously leaning back against his arms. Harry and Ron wore identical looks of sheer shock, and their jaws fell into equal slack. Hermione trudged past, carrying a tray of cookies as the tea caddy floated behind her. Smirking to herself, she shoved a biscuit into each of their mouths and seated herself on the couch abandoned by the other girls.

"So; what brings you to our humble abode?" Hermione asked, pretending as if nothing had transpired, and taking few tasty tea cakes for herself. Ignoring her question, Harry stalked over to the more occupied couch and glared down at the boy in the middle, who playfully curled his arms around the girls' shoulders.

"Do you mind, Malfoy?" Harry asked tersely, pinching his lips in annoyance. Draco laughed, taking his arm from Aly's shoulders to pat on his knee before replacing it.

"'Course not, Potter. Plenty of room for more."

"Hermione," Ron whined childishly. "Make him leave." Hermione stared patronizingly up at him.

"Now, Ron, this is Draco's common room too. He has every right to be here that you do," she said, then paused. "Actually, you're not supposed to be here at all."

"Blimey, she's right," Draco noted as if it were a completely new realization. "Hermione," he whined in mockery. "Make them leave." Hermione fancied him with the same glare she had given Ron, and Draco smirked in contentment. She sighed.

"All right; Harry, Ron- both of you, sit down here," she instructed, and they followed orders mutely, staring daggers at their feather-haired foe. "Now," Hermione said, looking at her watch. "It's a bit late to be coming for a 'chat'. I'd like to get to bed some time before dawn; we've got to plan for class tomorrow night. So, if you would, please get to the point."

"Well," Ron started, eyeing Draco side-slantedly. "There're some... rumors."

"Rumors, hm? What sort of rumors?" Hermione inquired with false curiosity, munching hercookies and sitting back into the plush of the couch.

"About... well, you and... you know," Harry tried to expand, glare piercing the blond across the way, who was now picking playfully at Ginny's auburn curls.

"I'm afraid I don't, Harry. I haven't been much in the loop lately- myself and whom?"

"I think they mean me, love," Draco piped, momentarily distracted from his observation of the angels so blessedly gracing his flanks. Hermione hid her smirk behind hernapkin and pretended to look surprised.

"Oh," she quipped. "Well, whatever it is, it can't be all that bad. Out with it." Hermione popped the last cookie into her mouth and brushed the crumbs from her hands. Looking agitated, Harry leaned in to whisper in her ear. A moment later, her eyes widened and a hailstorm of biscuit crumbs littered the coffee table. Hermione jumped to her feet. "What? Surely you can't believe that!" Harry and Ron eyed each other guiltily and Hermione sighed, placing a thumb to her temple. "All right, look- there's nothing going on, all right? If there were, I would have told you, the lot of you. It'd do you well to trust me a bit more. He," she said, pointing to Draco without bothering to glance his way. "Is just my partner in this whole Heads thing, and co-teacher for that hell sent class we are burdened with once a week."

"And that would be your fault," Draco added, and Hermione set her jaw. She was sure he'd blame her for it eventually.

"Shut up Draco, all right? I'm tired, I don't need this-" she said, shutting him down successfully. Draco retracted his arms from the shoulders of his lady friends, sitting with a pout marring his face, as if reprimanded for pilfered cookies before supper. "You," Hermione continued, pointing to the boys on the couch. "Are prying, and untrusting, and untrustworthy. Aly told me about what you were planning and," she said sharply as Ron sent a glare at his girlfriend. "Ron, don't you dare be cross with her or I'll make you cross. Clear?" He nodded softly. "Now, I think we've had enough discussion for a while. I suggest you go to your rooms and think about what you've done." Harry and Ron shared a look, then slowly got up off the couch and started toward the door.

"Sorry, Mione," Harry called over his shoulder, sending her a pitiful look back, and Ron agreed with a nod.

"Yeah; I'm sorry too."

Hermione kept her stone stare, hands planted on her hips, as the two of them sulked through the door and it closed behind them. The moment they were gone, she allowed herself to fall limp, face first into the couch cushions. The common room was silent for a moment, but it was ultimately broken by Ginny in a lapsed moment of awe.

"Wow," she said, shaking her head slowly. Draco spared a glance at her. "You've got to teach me how to do that." Hermione snorted into her cushion and pushed herself up onto her elbows.

"Lots... and lots... and lots of practice," she admitted, groaning at the thought, and slumped her shoulders in a sigh. "Girls, I don't mean to be inhospitable or anything... but I'm emotionally spent. Would you mind terribly, just...?" Aly and Ginny shared a look and shook their heads.

"Sorry about all this, Mione," Aly said, repeating the words of her boyfriend and his best mate. "But for completely different reasons." Hermione smiled.

"'s fine. We should have a slumber party sometime; my room is plenty big enough, and I really don't think Draco'll mind- will you, love?" she asked, mocking his previous use of the accursed nickname. Draco smiled weakly.

"Whatever you want, Princess," he said softly, earning himself three equally raised eyebrows.

"Erm... well, we'll see you later then," Ginny offered, excusing them, and both she and Aly leaked through the door and into the hallway.

"Well, that was interesting. I knew they were friendly, but honestly..." Aly said, more to herself than to Ginny, but the younger girl agreed.

"You're telling me," she offered, and Aly turned to her curiously.

"Ginny... if you don't mind me asking... why are you being so nice to me? I thought you hated me. I told Ron and he said it was some sort of little sister complex," she asked and Ginny's eyes narrowed slightly.

"Well, Ron would think that," she said, and sighed. "I never hated you, Al. I was just trying to keep you out of all... this," she said, gesturing to the Heads' common room and the world around them in general. "It's commonplace in our everyday; I wasn't sure if you wanted that." She smiled.

"It's more interesting than spending all my time with my Ravenclaw friends," she admitted. "They take their stature there very seriously. It's like, just because you're Ravenclaw, you have to study a minimum of 46 hours a day..." she shuttered. "I don't even like studying. I'd much rather be entertained by your brother and his innocent little antics. He's really like a large child."

"Wait until you see him Christmas morning."

-x-

"Hermione?" Draco asked tentatively, daring to sit forward on the sofa. "Would you mind... stopping that?" Hermione, who had been staring at him with a curious expression for a much extended moment, shook herself from her daze and groaned.

"Sorry..." she mumbled, dropping her face into the couch. Draco pushed himself onto his feet.

"Maybe you should... go to bed or something," he suggested, eyeing her bewilderedly.

"Okay," Hermione slurred, then allowed herself to roll off the couch and onto the common room floor. She hadn't, however, anticipated the pit stop her head would make at the corner of coffee and table. "Ow," she stated flatly, but made no move to massage her injury or lift herself from the floor. A moment later, Draco appeared, hovering over her.

"Granger," he started. "I just want you to know that, no matter how amused I may look, I'm sympathetic on the inside." She cracked open an eye.

"Thanks, Malfoy. I really appreciate that."

Chuckling, Draco held out a hand and Hermione lazily took it, expecting him to be attempting chivalry by assisting her in standing. Much to her annoyance and later, amusement, he merely shook her accepted palm and let go.

"Night, Granger. See you when I see you," he stated briskly, and disappeared a moment later into his bedroom.

"Arse goblin," Hermione muttered none too quietly, and a loud snort was heard from the room across the way. Smirking to herself, she pried her rigor-mortified body from the ground and dragged it toward the plush, upturned bed that awaited her. She didn't bother to discard her shoes.

-x- -x- -x-

"Good evening, class!" Hermione stated, fresh from the library, as she walked into the room, but her voice was unheard.

Draco was sitting at the front of the room in a very uncharacteristic slouch of sulk, with a look on his face that could be categorized as a pout, and the children insured the natural order of chaos by completely ignoring any direction and shooting hexes at one another. Immediately, Hermione was overcome with annoyance. She stomped to the front of the room and threw her books against the table; every head snapped forward.

"Can't I trust you to do anything, Malfoy?" she asked softly, and Draco sent her a fiery glare. "All right; pay attention, the lot of you! I am very disappointed in you. You're seventh years; start acting like it. This class counts toward your final scores and graduating capabilities just as any other and I would expect you to show a little respect and constraint. Keep in mind that there is no set time limit for this class. Last week, I let you out after twenty minutes. It was fair, you were well behaved. I could easily keep you here until midnight if I wanted to. Should, really; we've a lot of material to cover in a very short period of time. But, if you're going to act like children, I'll treat you like children. Heads down, come on. On the table. Ernie, would you get the lights, please? There. Ten minutes; anyone who falls asleep gets detention."

"What the bloody hell is this?" asked someone in the Slytherin corner of the room, and Hermione forgave him in her mind; it was no doubt embarrassing to be the only of your friends to actually need the class. And, she didn't have a doubt in her mind that he'd probably botched the essay on purpose; on a dare or something equally preposterous.

"It's called Time Out. Now, Time Out."

The student reluctantly put his head against the desktop. Hermione smiled softly at him and sat down in McGonagall's office chair, turning to talk to Draco. He held her with a look that seemed to be a cousin once removed of pride, but marred with the sulking and discontentment he had acquired at some point before Hermione had entered.

"What's wrong?" she asked him softly and he turned away, glaring across the room of children. "Draco?" Hermione quipped, somewhat concerned. "Say something." Draco rolled his eyes and drew a quill and parchment toward him, scribbling something quickly before shaking his head and scratching it out. Then, he wrote another statement, seeming to be restraining himself, and handed the paper to his partner. She took it in her hands and ran her eyes across the statement.

I can't; one of those bloody insufferable brats hexed me.

"Oh," Hermione said and Draco turned away in what she now identified as embarrassment. Taking the opportunity, she flipped the parchment over to read what he had originally jotted.

I can't, you dense, self obsessed, wench of a m

Hermione had no way of knowing how he planned to finish the sentence. Mudblood, muggleborn, muggle, mutant, mouse, moose, mousse... the list was ten miles long, but, judging from the previous bits of the sentence, she concluded it wouldn't be something flattering. She folded the paper into her pocket and sat back, dwelling on what to do about the situation. In the end, she decided that, although Draco was a bastard, it was just his temper talking. His ability to quell it before he had actually used it against her was admirable, and should be celebrated. In the end, Hermione decided to wait until Time Out was over to find the culprit, which she was already sure was Ron, and have the hex removed. She felt it an adequate punishment for his unbridled harshness. When Draco made to object, she shook a finger at him.

"I can't interrupt Time Out. That would nearly defeat the purpose. You'll just have to wait a minute."

He sulked the entire time, back facing her, and moving his mouth as if silently grumbling. Hermione stifled a laugh; it was really quite cute. Damn Malfoy and his attractiveness. She'd never forgive him.

"All right," she said, when their ten minutes was finished. "You can all get up. Ernie? Thank you, there. Now, first things first. I hope that taught you a bit of a lesson. We may be your peers, but we are also your teachers, so you will respect us. Keep in mind that we are head students, and do have the power to remove points from your houses and dish out detention. Now, if you'll notice, we're missing a few students this evening. The essays I asked you to write were used to determine..." Hermione began, but was interrupted as Draco persistently tugged at her sleeve. She sighed in exasperation. "What? ...oh. Ron, will you un-hex Draco for me? Thank you."

"What'dya mean, Hermione? I didn't hex him," Ron insisted innocently, doing his best to look anything but guilty.

"Yes you did," both Aly and Hermione chorused, smiled at each other and turned to Ron. "Don't make me take points," Hermione added. Very reluctantly, Ron took out his wand and removed the hex from Draco, who opened his mouth only to be stifled by Hermione's hand. "Say anything and I'll hex you. Set a good example, all right?" she told him through the side of her mouth, and Draco sat down again, fiery gaze on Ron.

"Fine."

"Good. Now, as I was saying... the students missing tonight displayed a fair grip on the basics of the human reproductive system, and therefore have been given a passing grade. The same standard remains for the remainder of you. I'm requiring that all of you schedule a time in which you can meet with either Draco or I and re-write your essay; the faster you get it done, the faster you get out of these tedious classes. Everyone clear?"

There were no objections, so Hermione continued.

"Now, I thought we'd start off our time together with something a bit amusing. Actually, this was Draco's idea," Hermione said, turning and smiling proudly at him. "A class pet. Or, rather, two. The first, is a shoe. Her name is Chlamydia." Hermione withdrew a small box from her bag of classroom goodies and tapped it with her wand. The class watched in curiosity as the little square grew until it was nearly as big as a fish tank. Hermione cast a knowing eye about the room before stepping back. "Draco, will you do the honors?"

"Sure," he said, all fun of the mission lost on his left-footed start. Hermione put on a fake pout and pinched his side, which, against her wishes, did little to brighten him. Now he grumbled while rubbing his side.

Draco stood from his transfigured chair and stepped up to the table, taking the cover off the coffin-like box and reaching within to lift the life form from inside. Hermione assisted by removing the box and allowing him to place the 'class pet' where it had once been, attracting the eyes of all the students, particularly the men. As he set it down, the creature stirred from sleep and awoke, stretching from her fetus-like position to reveal herself as a siren-like young woman, dressed in a short, toga style dress, and blessed with the features of a fairy. She blinked her eyes and yawned, then turned to sit with legs dangling over the edge of the desk, kicking back and forth as she studied the population of the room. When her eyes met Draco, she giggled and waved at him. He seemed a little more amiable after that. Hermione cleared her throat and broke through the mindless trance the student body had fallen into.

"Can everyone say hello to Chlamydia?" she teased, but the students chorused their hello as requested. Chlamydia giggled and blew visible kisses to many of the boys in the front row.

"Wait a minute," Sherry Phillips of Hufflepuff said, raising her hand. "I thought you said it was a shoe."

"It was a shoe," Hermione confirmed, and Draco gave a nod.

"Damn straight it was a shoe. An Italian leather, imported from Sicily, very expensive shoe. So be damn careful with it," he added, rubbing the side of the shoe-girl's face with his finger.

"Now, her brother, who was the other shoe, is here in this box," Hermione said, extracting another small box, which she enlarged on the table top.

Movement could be heard inside the tote, and Hermione could tell that most of the girls were anticipating a god-like creation to emerge from the box, as Chlamydia had. Without delay, she lifted the trap-like door, and allowed the creature to scramble onto the table top. Most of the students gasped, looking on in awe, but Chlamydia screamed, standing and rushing to clutch Draco's arm. He cradled her against him, much to Hermione's chagrin and his own amusement.

"This," she said, pointing to the rat-like creature that had emerged, with large red eyes, matted fur, and the mutations of a thousand diseases. "Is Scabies. They will be assigned to be cared for by one student each every week. Now, obviously, you'll not all be able to care for both of them, but we'll try to be as fair as possible. Before we give them out, I'd like to inform you that any invasive acts attempted against or committed of these animals will have serious consequences. Understood?" The class chorused a half-hearted reply, eyes still rooted on Scabies, who was now chewing through the box that had kept him. "Good. Now, to the issuing. Chlamydia first... hm, volunteers?" As expected, nearly every male in the room raised their hands. Some, like Ron, were scolded by their girlfriends, but many, like Ron, remained persistent. "Aly, why don't you pick someone," Hermione suggested and immediately a redhead clasped his hands in plead, turning to his girlfriend with wide, beseeching eyes. Aly, unsure, looked to Hermione for assistance, and trusted the look on her face.

"All right, all right. Ron, I suppose."

Ron stood from his seat and kissed her full on the lips, ignoring the mocking swoons and "ooh"s from his classmates before scrambling to the front desk and taking over as protector of the little imp-like girl. He held her against him like a baby, shushing her and patting her back. Draco rolled his eyes and Hermione laughed.

"Next, Scabies. Volunteers? No?" she said, pretending to look surprised. "Draco, what do you think?" A devilish flash marred his eyes.

"I can't pick Weasley?" he asked feebly and Hermione shook her head.

"No, I don't think-" she started, but he interrupted her.

"Ian Whitcomb."

Scabies savagely jumped off the desk and scampered to Ian, who looked scared out of his mind. To his surprise, once the rat reached him, it lost much of its horribleness and curled into a ball on his lap. Ian hoped it wouldn't mind the dampness.

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A/N: Well, I hope you guys enjoyed that. I'm sorry it's been so long, but my computer isn't the most amiable. I'll try to update again as soon as possible. Thanks for sticking with me. And review! But I don't have to tell you guys that, do I?